pete4winds Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 I have no idea where to begin, other than to acknowledge (more to myself than anything) that I'm hurting. My daughter Ceilidh Anna (Kay-lee AAH-na) was stillborn over the weekend at 33 weeks. My Little Dragonfly was absolutely beautiful when she was born Saturday December 9th, 2006 just before noon, 11:51 AM specifically. Ceilidh weighed only 1lb 14.8oz. She had already died several days before (sometime between Monday night and Tuesday morning), but when she arrived in this world and Jen & I held her, her spirit was every bit as alive as it could've been. I've always believed that no parent should ever outlive his or her own child. For me personally (and for Jen), knowing in advance about Ceilidh's Trisomy 18 (the chromosomal disorder that killed her) and the ramifications of her diagnosis really helped us prepare for her passing, but nothing will ever really make it ok. Jen's placenta had to be removed surgically, so I had the pleasure of sitting with my daughter Ceilidh for a good hour or more while Jen was away. A little daddy/daughter time. As Jen was being prepared for transport to surgery, our doula helped me dress Ceilidh. I chose an off-white velvet dress with a pink rose that my mom's sister (a labor/delivery nurse herself) gave us, a hand-knitted white sweater and bonnet set with purple ribbons that my mom had made (the matching booties were too big), and placed her atop several folded hospital blankets. The hospital blankets made a very soft and puffy pad, and in thinking about it, I think I used them because subconsciously I was afraid of hurting her, she was so delicate. I held her (folded blankets and all), sitting on the gurney I'd used as a bed during our labor room stay. We talked, cried, and sang together. Even though she already been living in the spirit world for several days, I knew she was right there with me. When Jen was ready for visitors, our family ended up visiting for several hours (a blink of an eye compared to the several days they'd lived in the hospital lobby in support of us). Ceilidh's Nana (my mom) and Duda (my dad - Duda is the Mohawk word for Grandpa) both got to hold her, as did my mom's sister Claire (the aforementioned L&D nurse and source of the velvet dress) and my step-mother Ann. We had a wonderful photographer from the organization "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" (http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org) there for a bereavement photo shoot, and she took some amazing pictures of us with our beautiful Ceilidh. Ceilidh looked just like her dad. She had my dark eyes, my nearly-black hair, my little tiny nose (thankfully mine has since grown to match my face) and even the same widow's peak I have. The one thing she got from her mother Jen was her attitude. Before she passed away, Ceilidh was known to kick like a soccer star...not the "usual" in utero baby kicks. These kicks had purpose. Because she was so small, she had the rooom to get a running start and drive herself into Jen's side. It was that kind of drive, determination, and attitude she got from Jen. The kind of attitude I fell in love with, the attidute that ultimately led to the birth of our daughter Ceilidh Anna Giove. Our Little Dragonfly may be gone from the physical world, but we know she'll never be truly gone...not just because we'll never let her leave our hearts, but because we know her spirit will be riding on the backs of every dragonfly we ever see from now on. Mommy and Daddy love you always, Ceilidh, and we will miss you forever until someday we can hold you in our arms again. When you occasionally come by to check up on us (we know you will), just remember that we'll know it's you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapseofreason Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 I'm really sorry to hear that. My thoughts are with you guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr.Six Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 Wow. My thoughts really go to you guys as I can not even begin to imagine the pain you guys must be going through. _six Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wes Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 I'm sorry for your loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vjgx Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 Wow... I'm quite sorry to hear that. Good luck for your family in the future... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SharkTums Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 It's hard for me to read this right now, but know that KidTums and I are thinking of all of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erik Johnson Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 I am sorry for your loss. I have been following several of your posts over these past months about your baby. It was sad to hear this news. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmousefan Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 My prayers are with you and your family. Shes an angel now taking care of all of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pkdcoaster Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 I am very sorry to hear this, I remember your announcement post and how excited you were. I don't know how anybody can handle that kind of situation without falling apart. (I know I would) I know it was very hard to write that but I appreciate you taking the time to let us know of your sad loss, I also think it was a great thing (although hard) to have pictures taken of your family with your princess. My thoughts are with you and your family. JEFF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zaneymon Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 Im so sorry for you loss. Like other people have said theres no way to imagain how much your hurting at the moment. May Ceilidh be in the Hearts of every TPR member. Zane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the sound Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 I'm very sorry you lost your daughter. Although, i am sure nothing that i can say can ease your pain that you must feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wishmaster Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 I'm sorry to hear that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Primogen18 Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 I remember when first hearing you and you wife were expecting, Pete, and I know how happy you were, you are good people and Im sorry such a tragedy struck you. It is a great loss to loose a child, especially one so innocent. My thoughts and sympathys are with you, as I'm sure everyones is. Im sure she was right there with you in your arms, celebrating the life she really had and that will go on in her spirit and in your hearts and memories. My brother's twin died very soon after birth, yet he still feels very connected to him even now that hes in his 20s. He is about to get a tatoo of his son actually on his shoulder, with his twin looking over him almost as a guardian angel, it is very beautiful. I know it doesn't help, but I thought Id share that as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weeow Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 I am very sorry to hear this. My friend lost a baby sibling. They were devastated. My prayers are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas2 Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 First of all I like to say that it was a really beautiful text you wrote in your first post. It really struck me by it's simplicity yet it is so profound (sorry but I can't find the right words in English). Secondly: My godfather lost his daughter in September and it was really awful. I was never so speechless than that time. Seeing them, I know what you must be going trough. I wish you and you're wife all the strength you need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cfc Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 I can't imagine the pain you're going through right now, but my thoughts are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waterviper Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 I am very sorry for you and your wifes loss!! I can only imagine the pain you are going through. My prayers and thoughts go out to you and your wife in hopes that you can bear with this tragic loss!! I believe in my heart that your little daughter is safe up in heaven and her living spirit will always be with you!! May Gods grace and love be with you and your wife! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennywood!007 Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 Sorry for your loss. Your post made me realize a lot of things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DerekRx Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 In my line of work I see many people sick and eventually pass. I consider myself fortunate enough that we do not work on pediatric patients, simply because of all that innocense lost so early. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you. I'm deeply sorry for your loss, I remember how excited you were to share the news of her conception with TPR several months ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkybadger Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Clinksalot Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Wow, I can't even imagine. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scaparri Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 That is awful Pete, and I'm truly sorry for your loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buttonman700 Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 My deepest sympathy go out to you and your wife. Kasey and I lost our only child to a mis carrage at 6 months, I still hurt to this day and this was almost 7 years ago. Our prayers are with you. Ed Roberts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freefallbestrideever Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 My prayers go out to you and your family -l- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
masterofthematrix91 Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 sorry for your loss..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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