EDIT: SuperCrack beat me to the Ralph qoute, damn his hide!
Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas time? You know, the birth of Santa.
Duffman: Hey Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar looooooove Duff?
Carl: Hey guy's, it's Duffman!
Lenny: Newsweek said you died of liver failure.
Duffman: Duffman can never die, only the actors who play him. Oooh yeah!
Chief Wiggum on phone: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god! He's dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'm sorry. He was DUI. I get those two confused. (hangs up the phone)
Woman walks in: My name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DUI?
Chief Wiggum: Uh... talk to one of those officers over there. I'm going out to lunch.