Tell Me A Joke!

[benzo41190]

one day :shock: meet and they had kids the kid was a

 

that was stupid.

 

() ()

(. .)

(..)(..) <------- see the bunny

[DBru]

Two mushrooms were sitting on the edge of a cliff. On mushroom yells, "I'm gonna jump!" The other mushroom says, "Shhh, mushrooms don't talk!"

 

 

Three guys die in a car wreck and go to heaven. When they get there, God says, "I know it wasn't your fault you are here, so I'm going to give you each another chance at life. Jump over that cloud, and state what you want to return to Earth as. You will continue life with that occupation." So the first man jumps off and yells "Fireman!" He turns into a fireman. The second guy jumps over the cloud and yells, "Pilot", he turns into a pilot. The third guy goes to jump, but trips over a baby cloud and yells "Holy $hit!"

 

 

I will continue waisting your time when I can think of more...

[RIP Psyclone]

I don't have a joke, but I will say Lou will never be redundant.

[socalMAN123]

When God said "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said "Say pleasee!"

 

I've got a bucket full of those jokes, just ready to go.

---Brent

[XII]

^Chuck Norris Jokes suck!

Ok, here's a crappy bar joke I found.

 

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

 

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

[DBru]

One day school started and the teacher began taking role.

 

"Robert?"

 

"Here!"

 

"Lucy?"

 

"Present!"

 

The list continued...

 

"Billy Bob?"

 

No answer. The list continued...

 

"Bobby Gene?"

 

No answer. The teacher began class.

 

After about 30 minutes, Billy Bob entered the room.

 

"Billy Bob, where have you been?" Asked the teacher.

 

"On Blueberry Hill."

 

"Well take your seat, and open your English book to page 43." Class continued.

 

After about 1 hour, Bobby Gene entered the room.

 

"Bobby Gene, where have you been?" Asked the teacher.

 

"On top of Blueberry Hill."

 

"Well go sit down, we've just started learning Geometry!" Class continued.

 

After about 2 hours, a new girl entered the room.

 

"Hi new girl, what is your name?" The teacher asked.

 

"Blueberry Hill."

 

[BarryH]

What do you call 100 well-armed lesbians?

 

Militia Etheridge

[gnewton34]

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

 

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

 

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

[TheRapidsNerd]

An American, an Irishman, and a German are all drinking at a pub (why does this sound a like a TPR trip already?) Anyway, there are flies EVERYWHERE and they're landing in the beer foam.

 

The American says "Ugh! That's disgusting!" and won't drink.

The German just shrugs and drinks anyway.

The Irishman, grabs each fly by the wings, pats them on the back with his finger and says "Spit it out! Spit it Out!"

 

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Three strings are out in the middle of the countryside and see a small villiage. They're all really thirsty, so they hit the local pub. Sign out front says "No Strings Allowed."

 

String 1 one says "I got this." He walks in and says "I'll have 3 pints of your best, please." Bartender glares and say "Cantcha read? No strings! Now bugger off!"

 

String 2 sees String 1 fail and says "Pffft! Amateur!". String 2 goes in and orders. "3 of your best Ale, friend." Bartender scowls and points at the door. "Read the sign! No Strings! Now off with ya before I give ya a right good kickin!"

 

String 3 says nothing. He messes up his hair and confidently strides into the bar. The other 2 strings look at each other, expecting certain doom. Meanwhile, String 3 orders with a dodgy grin. "I'll have 3 pints of your best." Bartender whirls around, throws down his towel and booms "So help me, if yer another one of those strings...." String 3 says "Nope, I'm afraid not."

 

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Hang in there and feel better soon.

[Manny In England]

^ I hope she's feeling better since the first message was posted two and a half years ago.

[Team Thriller]

Here are some of the ones I know.

 

A man walks into a bathroom. He sees another man without arms trying to undo his zipper. The man without arms looks over at the person.

"Excuse me. Can you maybe...um...undo my zipper?"

 

The person seems not to want to but helps out the armless man anyway.

He unzipps the pants.

"Thank you. Do you think maybe you can...um...pull it out."

 

This time. The man really doesn't want to. He was about to walk away, but decides to help out.

He pulls it out.

 

It's the grosses thing the man had ever seen: Scars, scratches, and other nasty skin problems.

 

After the armless man did his buisness.

"Can you maybe do on last thing. Put it back in."

 

The man does it trying not to gag. After a brief moment the man looked at the armless man:

"So..um...what happened to your...um...thing?"

 

The armless mans arms come out of his sleeves.

"I don't know. But I'm not touching it."

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

 

A man is walking through a National Park. He looks over and sees a naked homeless person hugging a tree.

 

The man walks over to the naked homeless person.

"Excuse me, why are you hugging the trees"

 

The homeless man replies.

"It's national tree hugging day."

"Really? I better join in then."

 

The man runs over and hugs a tree.

The naked homeless man pulls out a rope and ties the mans arms so he is tied to the tree. The man tried to escape from the ropes but the naked homeless guy tied it to tight.

 

2 hours later:

 

The Ranger walks by:

"Excuse me. Why are you naked and tied to a tree?"

 

--James

[TheRapidsNerd]

^ I hope she's feeling better since the first message was posted two and a half years ago.

 

*sigh* I fail. But it's still the thought that counts. (laughing) Looks like Lou, Ginzo and Wes have new material. I'm so hosed.....

[astroworldfan1]

How do you get a one armed Dumb Blonde out of a tree?

 

You wave to her!

 

-Tatum

[Manny In England]

^^ Lets think about this. If the homeless guy is naked, where is he pulling the rope out of? Just a disturbing little detail I noticed.

[CoasterNut17]

Here. I've got a couple!

 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

 

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

 

"You're going to die," she replied.

 

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

 

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies.

 

"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly in trouble. "Is there snything I can do?"

 

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

 

 

 

There's plenty more where that came from!

[supertrooper]

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

 

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

[DBru]

^LMAO! That was the best joke ever!

[cosmic hearse]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

[Team Thriller]

^^ Lets think about this. If the homeless guy is naked, where is he pulling the rope out of? Just a disturbing little detail I noticed.

 

Good catch. Since I didn't write the joke, I have no clue. But maybe it was rapped around his waste like a belt.

Dang, now I'll be thinking bout' it all day.

 

--James

[carolinacaniac]

Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and George Bush are in a helicopter seeing the damages of the floods after Katrina. Karl Rove says "Those fools, they all want the federal government to fix all of their problems. They should seek help from private companies, in fact...." Just then he pulls out his wallet, grabs a 10 thousand dollar bill, and says " I am gonna throw this out the window and make someone really happy!

 

Well, not wanting to be out done, Dick Cheney pulls his wallet out, and takes out 10 one thousand dollar bills, and says "I am gonna throw these out the window, and make 10 people really happy!

 

George Bush doesn't want to be left out, so he pulls out a hundred dollar bill, and says "When I break this, I am gonna throw it out the window and make a hundred people happy!"

 

As the three men are doing this, the helicopter pilot says to himself, "Idiots, I could throw all three of them out and make 300 million people happy!"

[BarryH]

A female student visited her professor's office.

 

"I'd do anything for an A," the student said.

 

"Anything?" the professor said.

 

The student whispered in the professor's ear, "Anything..."

 

The professor whispered back, "Would you...study?"

[thrillrideseeker]

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard the drinks were on the house.

 

There were two ants living in a girls pair of panties. One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in one hour. So, one ant went in one cave and the other ant in a different cave. After and hour went by, the two ants met back up. One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Ewww!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant. "It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky." replied the ant. "So how was your cave?" "Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

 

What's the definition of innocence?

A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making little sleeping bags for mice.

 

I will come up with more later

~Matthew

[no_brain_er]

Okay, here's one. (got it from funny.com) And yes, it's a long one.

 

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

 

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

 

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

 

To: My loving wife

 

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

 

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

 

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!

[KrazyT]

Your momma is so stupid, on her job application under Emergency Contact she put 911.

[ash.1111]

What's the hardest part about roller skating?

 

Telling your parents you're gay LOL