When a loved one passes...

[Bucket]

A good friend of mine recently passed away. He was in a car accident about a year ago, and was paralyzed from the waist down. Although he couldn't walk, his mind and his thoughts were still clear, and he was pretty much still the same person. Unfortunately, he slipped without warning into a coma three days ago and he died peacefully on July 3, 2008 at around 15:24. I was extremely close with him, and he was almost like a brother to me. When I was accepted into university in the States, I decided to take the opportunity and leave Germany. I remember contemplating whether or not I should have gone, since my friend's health wasn't very good at the time, but my parents convinced me into going. I said "goodbye" to him about 5 months ago, but if I'd had known that would be the last time I would see him, I would have done it differently. I know that he's in a better place now, but the pain just doesn't seem to stop. Of course, it takes time to get over a loved one's passing... but as of now, myself and all of his friends who were close with him can't stop grieving, and it is so hard. It's almost like a nightmare in which you can't wake. Has anyone ever had to deal with the death of a loved one? If so, how did you cope with it? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

R.I.P -- Tobias Zimmermann

(December 12, 1986 - July 3, 2008)

[ebl]

^ Sorry to hear about your friend.

 

It is hard to cope with losing someone, and much harder when you're close. Thankfully I haven't lost too many people---family, friends.

 

You'll always have the memories of your time with them. That is priceless and can never be taken away.

 

Eric

[Goliath513]

In a way, that's un-nerving how your friend died exactly 4 years after a guy at my high school did after he was in a car accident back in 2004.

[christianscoasters]

There was a guy at my school who was in a fender-bender. Him and the guy in the other car got out and were talking and then were struck from an oncoming car. The guy from the other car was hospitalized for a while, but the guy at my school died. It was really hard on everyone. Especially considering he was on his way to school.

 

But I remember everyone coping by just talking to anyone and everyone about their feelings, and just having alone time.

 

I hope everything gets better for you.

[FLIPDUDE]

Well the best advice I can give you is don't try to hold it in. Express your sorrow, anger,a nd whatever you might be feeling. Cry, scream, whatever, just don't bottle it up.

 

The more you let out the sooner you can start feeling better.

 

Remember that just because you might be getting over the grief and pain does not mean you are being disrespectful to him in any way, as long as you keep him in heart and mind and don't try to block it out or whatnot.

[Bucket]

Remember that just because you might be getting over the grief and pain does not mean you are being disrespectful to him in any way, as long as you keep him in heart and mind and don't try to block it out or whatnot.

 

But that's the thing... every time I think about it, I get extremely sad. You're right, I don't want to be disrespectful to him but even thinking about the good times together that we all had hurts.

[Vekoma Fan Boy]

^And that is the thing. If you need to cry, then do it. Crying does for emotional pain what a bandage and antiseptic does for a wound. It helps it heal faster.

[FLIPDUDE]

If you need to be sad now then be sad as much as you feel you need to be. The more you let out the better you'll feel afterwards.

 

I noticed that in times where me or my faily members experienced something awful then the more we let it out the sooner we all felt better.

 

And of course, I am very sorry for your loss.

[CoastersNSich]

The last time someone I knew that was close to me died was almost 20 years ago (a grandmother) and even then I didn't feel too sad because I didn't know her too well, as she was in a hospital/nursing home most of the time I knew her, not to mention being very old. It was also the only time I really attended a funeral.

 

Now, my grandfather on my father's side, he's 88 and only getting more frail as time goes by. He had a cath lab exam at the hospital and is doing better than before then, as he was very nervous, and getting over his dog's death and his stepson's medical issues.

 

Now I learn that my best friend from grad school's brother is doing poorly. He was on the way West to see his girlfriend, and driving through Kansas felt ill and stopped at a motel to rest. Was throwing up a lot and had to go to the hospital and is in critical condition, supposedly having a tumor. I never met my friend's brother, but thinking about it gives me a heartache (emotionally).

[rollerboy]

Sorry about your friend bro, theres not much I can say about what to do, as I'm not to good at things like this (well anything really) but just do your best and I'm sure soon you will start to feel better.

Jordan.

[TheRapidsNerd]

First, my sympathies. Tough to lose a loved one.

 

Yes, it does hurt that that person (or even pet) is gone, and yes it does take a while to heal. Just know you gave him the gift of friendship and had some good times together. Likely, you were there to support each other in the tough times.

 

Whereever he is, I'm sure he's grateful for all the nice things you've done, the time you gave, and the laughs.

 

When I lost a high school friend, it just took a while. But eventually, it didn't hurt as much, and it comforted me to think he was watching over me and still looking out for me. And boy do I ever need it! Even to this day.

 

Take heart friend, time will heal. You'll know when things are ok again.

[cosmic hearse]

Wow, I'm sorry for your loss. I've had 2 close friends pass away (both suicides) in the past 2 years and it was my first time as an adult experiencing a loss like that. The first one had me sad for almost half a year. Allow yourself as much time as you need to grieve, there's typically 5 stages that people will go through as they grieve: (denial/shock/numbness, bargaining {what you could have done better, etc}, depression, anger, and acceptance). Some people go through the steps out of order or don't take long to go through them. Talking does help out a lot. I don't know how hard it is for you to talk to your old friends back in Germany, but talk to other friends that were close to him as well, it'll help you out a lot. If that isn't really an option you can always go talk to someone at school. The beauty of college tuition is you can go talk to a therapist for free. Also check around campus for support groups that deal with loss.

 

Keep an eye out if you notice yourself avoiding your feelings or overworking or preoccupying yourself to avoid dealing with it. Also watch out for using drugs or alcohol as a form of self-medication. All those can hinder your grieving process.

[holyblakbelt]

Sorry for the loss. In October a classmate from my school died. A lot of the students were saddened and they shared her memories throughout the school year.

 

How do I cope with loss? I pray for comfort and hope for the best. I don't really cry much but I do express sadness.

[Teacups Make Me Sick]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is difficult to loose anybody...but someone so young can be even harder.

 

Your friend had an unfortunate accident that he faced a lifetime of struggling. Maybe you can take peace in knowing that he passed on without pain and he is in a place where he can walk again.

 

A girl I went to HS with was dating a boy that suddenly passed of cancer (they never detected it until it was too late). She started fund rasing for cancer research and it comforted her to know that she is helping people that are in a similar situation.

[Bucket]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It's quite difficult to go through this, and it's comforting to know that people care.

 

Yesterday was his funeral, and unfortunately I could not make it because I am in New Hampshire. It was so hard, because his girlfriend called me and was absolutely devastated with the entire thing. She was so good to him after the car accident and stayed with him the entire time he was paralyzed. I couldn't do or say anything to make her feel better and that was the hardest part. I know that Tobias is in a better place now, but I wish that I could just see his face and laugh with him for the last time.

Me and Tobias in Vienna, before the car accident.

[cedarpointfangirl]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know that it hurts, time is about the only thing that can heal your pain. I lost my Godson James on Mothers Day, May 13 2007. He was 9, he had Burketts Lymphoma, he had two Bone Marrow Transplants, beat the Cancer and finally went home. He passed two weeks later from CMV, his immune systems was non existent after all the chemo and radiation. It has been a little over a year now. It still hurts, however, when I think of him and start to cry I just try and think of all the good times we had and all the crazy stuff he did, and I do mean crazy!! I loved this quote from Helen Keller, I even have it on my Myspace page in the heroes section that is dedicated to James.

 

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose....all that we love deeply becomes a part of us. - Helen Keller_

[Primogen18]

I am sorry for your loss, it is a tough situation everyone heals and deals with differently.

 

I lost someone close to me this year in February. My boyfriend Brian died on Feb. 19th, and it is still something i cry about from time to time. He died while visiting his parents 7 hours away, I found out just in time to make it to the funeral from his brother (his parents not very good with how things were in his life, and not knowing about me, I went out with a friend of mine and just minded my own business but still wanting to be at the funeral) He died of a seizure one night, right after discussing our plans and his surprise to spend time together when he got home. He had always had them but they seemed to be getting further and further apart and he told me not to worry. Crazy how our last conversations went, last days together etc. Long story to tell, but I was lucky I had a few chances to show him really how much I cared about him. A few eerie things as well, and now I can never hear a few songs without breaking down into tears.

 

Just know the best thing you can do is live your life to the fullest, you never know when things might come to an end. I am having one of THE best if not the best summer of my life for him, doing things we had planned to do together or talked about etc. I have even began dating someone for the first time since Feb, and while I know some fears have been instilled in me, I am confident I am able to pick up again and start to move on. I will NEVER forget him or our time together (funny how when some people say "i will spend the rest of my life with you" ?? how odd a feeling for me, it was true when he said this?) but I know he would want me to keep living my life, and I am sure your friend would want the same.

 

I wish you good luck and best wishes, as well as my condolences.

[silverstreak]

Sorry for your loss. I too lost loved ones in the past. My father about 8 years ago. Then my mother about 5 years ago. It makes it harder when you are really close to the person you lost. For me, im a mama's boy. So i miss her dearly. Think of her everyday.

What i do to cope? Pray for her. Talk to my sisters & some close friends. Honestly I still miss my mom alot & i do get depressed @ times. Its even hard for me to talk about her till this day without getting teary eyed. Remember its been 5 years since my mom passed & im still mourning her.

Coping with death is not easy for me.

My family always bring up that old saying, "Time heals all wounds." We call B.S. To that saying!! lol!

**Also as you get older its not going to get easier.

[terrancew_hod]

There is a saying: Time heals all wounds.

 

Give yourself time. Eventually it will get better for you.

 

Years ago a good friend of mine died of AIDS. I was depressed and sad, but I know he's in a better place because he was in so much pain. But eventually it got better for me. One of the reasons I volunteer at Care Resource is to honor his memory. Also last year on the Midwest Trip I came across a pinball game that we use to play together every week; so I dropped a few quarters in and played a few games. After all these years, I still suck at it. I'm sure he got a laugh out of me trying though.

 

Terry

[HHN Dylan]

He was so young, I hate it whenever people that haven't lived a good life die so young.

 

But I know how you feel, my Great Grandma died recently, and it was like wow, I'll never see her again...

 

It was really hard for me, but I just had to get over it. He knows you loved him and miss him.