Rate My Reseach Paper (about Amusement Parks)

[Carnage]

All I have to say has already been said apart from one thing:

 

"No matter how you put it, life wouldn’t be as exciting without the Amusement Park."

 

That's quite a bold statment you've got there. A themepark isn't the only source of fun. If it was most of our lives would be VERY boring indeed.

 

That's a good point.

 

A research paper is supposed to be based off of facts. You seem to be trying to use your personal opinion as facts. You need to back up everything you say. Don't use such vague, and possibly wrong statements.

 

The teacher is probably going to rip apart quite a few of the statements you're trying to say.

[shesaidboom]

This is a big problem with colleges these days - high school students just don't know how to write, and then they go to college and have to start in bottom level English classes to catch up.

This is very sad, but so true! My first year in college, all but three people failed our first assignment because they didn't know how to use embedded citations. They pretty much just wrote what they wanted and didn't cite anything, much like this essay. It really made me wonder how these people got accepted in the first place. How do you make it through high school not knowing how to write a proper essay?

[Purplepills]

I was surprised that it was written by a 17 year old, as others have said is it a serious paper? Or just a quick assignment? Mainly the let down was the way it was written, bad grammar, it just didn't flow very well.

 

I'm going with E.

 

Apparantely you can't get an E so I'll upgrade to a D. I guess English and American grades are different.

[odene497]

Don't say "etc..." after so many sentences. You can't etcetera on something like roller coaster elements, their names aren't similar at all, and the reader isn't going to be able to think in terms of "so on" when it comes to elements.

 

You did it for roller coaster styles, flat rides, and water rides too.

 

 

I said C, but change my mind to D.

[Kennyweird]

First of all, it doesn't flow well, it' way too broad, and it doesn't follow the criteria for a research paper. Not only that, you mention things but fail to elaborate on them; most people have no idea what an Immelmann loop is or what the difference is between an in-line twist and a heartline roll. Finally, you used way too many "umbrella" words (words like get/got, nice, wonderful, bad, good, thing, etc.).

 

In conclusion, I give it an F, and so would my English teacher.

[Wathell]

Thanks everybody for taking the time and reading my paper, I know there are many errors, grammatical and spelling, but I wrote this paper within a five hour period and it's not due until the first week of June. That is the reason why I wanted to show everybody here and see what they think.

 

Remember this is only a rough draft, and yes I still need to cite my sources, but I was just getting on top of things and getting it done early.

Suprisingly you guys must think my teacher is crazy because when I showed her this paper she said it was a well written paper. (go figure?)

When I'm done with my final copy i will sure to re-post it.

 

ADMIN EDIT: Please be sure to use proper grammar and spelling when posting.-Joey

[Jew]

^I hope you put more effort into the final draft. Just using the spell check feature on TPR alone, it corrected 7 different things when I edited your most recent post.

 

Make sure you proof read your posts and your papers before writing them. Everyone here is willing to help with your paper, but we definitely are not here to do it all for you and correct everything.

[Carnage]

I find it funny that after reading all these scathing reviews you voted an A in your own poll.

[taytig]

I applaud your intentions - you obviously have a passion for themeparks. As a teacher, I would like to offer a bit of feedback that could help.

 

Voice - your writing has a good voice, but research papers should not have a voice - they are driven by facts.

 

Effective use of Language- needs some work. You have written this report like it is an oral presentation. Language you would use for a written report is very different than a speech.

 

Conventions of writing- Punctuation and grammar - you really need to work on this. Keep complete thoughts together and vary your sentence length a bit - it helps the reader. You also need to make sure to read your work OUT LOUD - when you do this, you will see what does not make complete sense.

 

Organization - you are all over the map. When I read, I was often wondering where you were going with the report. Is about themepark history or about rolller coasters. Make sure to define your topic in the first paragraph and stick to it. At times it seems like you added things to make it longer-it really distracted from the rest of the report.

 

Ideas and Content - I think you did well with your ideas and content, you just lacked the ability to put it all together. I also think a few quotes from reputable sources are necessary. This links with the "Voice" section. You need to make sure that this is a proper research report, rather that a knowledgable person shaing what they know.

 

I hope this feedback helps. If this were graded by me, I would return it and ask you to critically evaluate your writing and make some changes, based on feedback. If you have the opportunity to conference with your teacher prior to submitting this report - please do, you will find that together you, with teacher guidance and direction, could make this report meet expections.

 

Based on the fact that I don't have the details of the assignment, I will not put a grade on it, just my comments!

 

Best of luck!

 

David

[SharkTums]

Ok...some questions...

 

What grade are you in?

Are you in any sort of 'special' class or school?

What was the exact assignment here?

Is your teacher breathing?

 

There is no way this would ever have been accepted even as a rough draft in my high school.

[zburns999]

I actually find this thread fairly interesting, as I've also decided to write my senior research paper on Amusement Parks. First of all, when you pick a topic like this, you're treading on thin ice already. It's just such a vast topic that can be taken in so many different directions. Unfortunately, your paper has no clear thesis, lacks direction, and is full of such blatant redundancies that I thought my head was going to explode. If I may, I'd suggest narrowing down your topic to a smaller aspect of the amusement industry. Right now, you seem to be just offering a really half-assed summary of whatever you came up with off the top of your head. Perhaps trying something like "The Evolution of the Amusement Park Industry" or "The Impact of the Amusement Park Industry upon Society (and/or Economy)." Basically what I'm getting at here is that you've taken a subject that is primarily elementary in nature, and you've gone about it in the most basic, unintelligent way which, in all seriousness, could have been done the same justice by a third grader who's telling his friend about how much he loves roller coasters. You've got an idea that's really fun to work with. That doesn't mean that you can use your love of roller coasters as an excuse for writing a poor paper. Do the topic some justice. Sorry. Keep at it though.

 

EDIT:

Some people might have some questions about amusement parks, such as what is the history?, What types of rides are there?, Why people like or don’t like Amusement Parks?, and What is the future of parks?.

Did you just make up your own rules of grammar here? You can't just throw question marks into a sentence at random.

[niiicolaaah]

I could not bring myself to read the whole thing, because the paragraphs were way too long. You never want to have one paragraph take up a whole page. But that's the least of your problems, you definitely have some work to do. Good luck!

[robbalvey]

I find it funny that after reading all these scathing reviews you voted an A in your own poll.

Wow. That really says a lot.

 

Wathell, did you give yourself an "A" because you really think you deserved it?

 

It's "ok" to criticize your own work. I do it to myself anytime we produce a video, update, or DVD. I always look it over and think to myself "how can I make this better?" "Is this the best it can be?"

 

And if I ask someone else for an opinion you HAVE to be willing to accept criticism. You open yourself up to it, so be prepared to take it.

 

But seeing as you gave yourself an "A" I do have to wonder if you REALLY believe your paper was deserving of that grade and you just think this 4 pages of comments was just total B.S.

 

--Robb

[missingmusician]

Everything that needed to be said has already been said. Personally, if I were you, I'd have a friend or two who are a bit more skilled with essay writing look at your paper.

 

I have a friend who writes poorly, but he knows it and has his girlfriend and I proof his papers. We usually can manage to deconstruct his paper into actually saying what he meant in a way that will get him a good grade in a college English class.

 

Good luck!

[krazekiddd]

Thanks everybody for taking the time and reading my paper, I know there are many errors, grammatical and spelling, but I wrote this paper within a five hour period and it's not due until the first week of June.

 

Maybe its because I forgot what high school papers are like, but in my current writing class, my professor would have killed me for that.

 

For example, since its entry level writing, we can schedule meetings with her to make sure we are on the right path and following proper format and citing. If we have basic grammatical and spelling errors like your paper currently has, she would ask us to leave and reschedule when we have them corrected. She don't see a point in reviewing (helping) with us if she can't read from so many basic errors.

 

I personally would never show anyone a paper, even a rough draft, until I make sure I at least have proof read it a lot. My writing skills suck but before I ask for help, I go over it to make sure I at least look like I know how to form proper sentences.

 

So keeping in mind this is a rough draft, I'm giving an F based on not proof reading before putting your work online to be read by others. Submitting it to us, although in rough draft form, is basically publishing it.

 

As my professor says, "Never send a paper/memo/e-mail out prematurely as you never know who may be on the other end reading it".