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^That's too bad about the lack of scareactors. At BGT last year, you were bumping into roving hordes of zombie cheerleaders, doctors, lumberjacks, and other creatures all over the place. Maybe the crowds at Universal make the "roving horde" concept impractical.

^Er, no. Not even close to the spectacular views at Hong Kong's Ocean Park.

^I'm surprised that we all survived the shuttle loop, too--it really is terrifying when it falls onto its upstops (such as they are). Really, not very good. I'm enjoying your take on the trip, Megan. Here's a bonus Angus McNasty picture for you.

So much for Crab Island. How about a truly "Olympian" park and a look at how Beijing sees the outside world? NOTE: My thanks to Larry for providing a handy list of Chinese park and coaster names. This rather rundown little joint was actually built for the 2008 Olympic Games: Ayoun Fuwa Park. But look--a mouse coaster! (Better buy yourself an extra six pack of your favorite beverage, folks--you're going to be seeing a lot of these as this report unfolds.) This ride is yellowjacket approved. Please note that this is a "Crazy" (as opposed to "Jungle") Mouse. What a relief! This ride makes Robb happy . . . . . . and Hanno crazy. "Oh crap oh crap oh crap!" This rather impressive, Disneyesque entrance marks Beijing World Park. It's a cross between Epcot and Lego Miniland. The entrance plaza is indeed rather classy looking. Partially nude statues = "culture." Then again, there are spots in the park that look like this. Look--it's an adorable Cheshire Cat Pig! And lookie--an actual, honest-to-god jet aeroplane! Is there no end to the wonders we'll find here? Remember--You have been warned! Another good name for this coaster would be "Knee Cracker" (those trains are a bit of a tight fit). Hmm--in other parks this would be "theming." But in China, it could be a legitimate warning. Perhaps this dog's name is "Falling Rocks," and we're supposed to "be aware" of him. So, that's what happened to the "Golden Gate Bridge" at Disney California Adventure. Welcome to Manhattan . . . . . . er, excuse me--"Manhafttan," which could very well have a "Will Street," as far as I know. All these guys are trying to hide erections. Dan and the camel are enjoying this way too much. Look, Adam--an early concept for a Stormtrooper helmet! Bet you didn't see this at your last Star Wars nerd fest! Oh, I remember climbing to the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge during TPR's 2011 Australia Trip! What a splendid view . . ." Ow! Looks like he wasn't amused by my anecdote. Here's a picture of a Chinese courthouse, and because I work at the National Center for State Courts, I can write this trip off as a business expense! Score! We ended our day with a sales pitch, er, tea ceremony at an authentic Chinese tea house. Hmm--do alien face huggers hatch from these things? Phew! Apparently not! They can quarantine you at the Chinese border if you're a host to an alien chest burster. That's all for now. Next up: some culture. Get excited!

Handy-Dandy Table of Contents Chapter 1: Random Thoughts and Credit Whoring (scroll down) Chapter 2: The TPR High-Speed Tour of Beijing; or, All You Need to Know (and Will Most Likely Forget) About Chinese History in One Day Chapter 3: How Much More "China" Can You Get?--Shijingshan and Sun Park Chapter 4: Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'--Happy Valley Bejing Chapter 5: Hard Rock Park China?--Victory Kingdom and Credit Whoring Chapter 6: Epcot Meets Six Flags--Floraland and More Credit Whoring Chapter 7: A Wetter, Happier Place than Beijing--Happy Valley Chendu Chapter 8: Hey, Don't Bogart that Bamboo, Dude--Chendu's Panda Base Chapter 9: A Park that's Almost There--Happy Valley Wuhan Chapter 10: More of What You Crave: Culture (sort of) in Shanghai Chapter 11: Whose Brilliant Idea Was This?--A Looping Toboggan and Other Shanghai Credit Whoring Chapter 12: Still More Shanghai Credit Whoring--or How to Fix a Golden Horse Spinning Coaster with a Big Stick Chapter 13: "Innovative" and "Delightful"--Happy Valley Shanghai with a Side of Giant Wheel Park Chapter 14: Joyful and Jurassic Hijinks--World Joyland and China Dinosaurs Park Chapter 15: Yes! More Crazy Mice!--Whorin' the Credits in Guongdong Chapter 16: A Chinese Version of a Good Six Flags Park?--Chimelong Paradise Chapter 17: The Chinese Knott's Berry Farm?--Chuanlord Holiday Manor Chapter 18: From the Mountains to the City: Knight Valley and Window of the World Chapter 19: One Last Fling in Mainland China--Happy Valley Shenzhen Chapter 20: The Best Park in China? Hmm . . . Could Be: Ocean Park Chapter 21: A Bus, a Boat, and a Tram--Hong Kong Sightseeing Chapter 22: Disneyland Calls Him "Mini Me"--Hong Kong Disneyland Chapter 1: Random Thoughts and Credit Whoring Ever since I was a kid, I've wanted to visit China. Yes, to walk upon the Great Wall, tread in the footsteps of Genghis Khan, see the wonders of the Forbidden City, and ride god-only-knows how many Jungle (or Crazy) Mouse coasters, not to mention knockoff Loopscrews, SLCs, and Spinning Mouse coasters, would be splendid, indeed. I wonder if the defunct Splendid China in Orlando had its own Jungle Mouse? They do seem to be an important part of Chinese culture, along with pandas, goose-head soup, laser pointers, and "sexy" massages. (Relax--all will be explained in time. Maybe. I'm not sure I understand it all myself, yet.) Here are some random observations about this fascinating land of one-billion-plus people: 1. Chinese people like to shout a lot, usually at close range. Now, this shouting isn't necessarily a sign that they are angry; it's just how they prefer to communicate. That being said, I did encounter plenty of nice Chinese folks who didn't resort to shouting, at least not at me. 2. Chinese persons may be perfectly rational until they get behind the wheel of a car or the handlebars of a bicycle, scooter, or motorbike-- then they become snarling, shouting maniacs with little regard for human life. Is the traffic hopelessly backed up just before your intersection? No problem! Just drive on the wrong side of the road, blast your horn, and shout at any hapless pedestrians who have the audacity to cross the street when it's their turn. I think the ultimate, unexploited video game concept would be "Chinese Bus Driver v. The Rest of China." Oh, the virtual carnage you could cause! (I'm just surprised that we neither witnessed, nor were involved in, any fatal accidents during the TPR trip.) 3. Chinese knockoff rides try to kill you by beating you to death or shaking you to pieces. Government-appointed Chinese tour guides try to kill you through sheer stubbornness. My respect for Robb and Elissa, which was already considerable before China, has only grown after seeing what they had to put up with from the, for lack of a better term, "well-meaning" guides. More on this tribe later. That's enough "random thinking" for now--it's time for our first day of good, old-fashioned TPR credit whoring in Beijing! Yes, the capital of the Peoples Republic is quite the treasure trove of whacked-out coasters and other attractions. Opening day provided a perfect cross-section of what to expect as the trip went on: a knockoff Wacky Worm, SLC, and Mine Train and, of course, a Crazy Mouse--along with a "factory" (in this case, a tea house) tour. All that was missing was a powered Sliding Dragon coaster. Let the credit whoring begin! Welcome to China! Oh, the places you'll see and the accidents you'll narrowly avoid on this bus. "Hey, thanks for coming! I'm Howlin' Robb Alvey, and I'll be singin' some blues and blowin' a little harp for y'all for the next three weeks." "So, let's start with a little 'Chinese Tour Guide Blues.'" (Meet Bruce--if you need a new suit, a factory tour, a "non-sexy" massage, or instructions on how to count in Chinese, he's your guy.) This is a building. In China. Just to remind you. First stop: Crab Island Resort. (Do not have a "sexy massage" in a place with "crab" in its name.) For your shopping convenience, Crab Island is proud to provide "Shop." Yes, all your shopping needs can be met at "Shop." Unless you want soup. There is no soup at "Shop." First park of the trip--woo hoo! Welcome to Crab Island Children's Amusement Park. "The world is a carousel of color! Wonderful, wonderful color!" Behold, in all it splendor, our first Chinese coaster credit: Green Worm Sliding Car. Oh, dear lord, those poor Chinese people in the first car never knew what hit them. "Aghh! The seat belts do nothing!" Low bridge, Jon! Ka-freakin'-ching! Next up, a cross between a Disk-O and a Wacky Worm on stilts. As near as we can tell, this is called Cool Surfing Coaster, but I think "Broken Washing-Machine Agitator: The Ride" would fit, as well. This ride is such a marvel of Chinese engineering that people can live under it. Look at that attention to detail. If only the Great Wall had been built with such care. "Yay! We are thoroughly enjoying this wonder of Chinese coaster technology!" Looks like we missed the Chinese September version of Oktoberfest by a few days. We were greeted by three bunnies--seriously drunken bunnies. "Hey, September Oktoberfest is over. The bunnies outside should've told you." Welcome to Crab Island Amusement Park. Ow! This fully licensed, perfectly legal version of the giant bird from "Up" just bit me. And just how does Crab Island Amusement Park "re-create" reality? By providing us with a Chinese re-creation of a Vekoma SLC . . . . . . with an identity crisis. Martin is looking a bit concerned. But he's gone too far to turn back now. This ride is like being involved in a "series of rear-end collisions," says Elissa, and I agree. I call this the "bone mangler." This train moves so slow that you wonder whether it'll complete the course. These are some type of "sit-down Segways." We saw people rollin' and rockin' in these contrivances at a few other Chinese parks. More credit whoring to come!

That's because they get vandalized with inappropriate drawings. I'm not quite sure what Busch was thinking making everything so accessible to the public, they are just asking for it to be destroyed. Hopefully they replace everything that gets messed up. "Asking for it"? Yes, I suppose you can always depend on people to act like idiots. And I echo what others have said about BGW moderating their Facebook page. Far too many people believe that Facebook is a forum to spout any bile they feel like spewing (save that for your personal pages, folks).

Good luck with your new venture, Shane. I think you should rig up one of those big buckets to a slot machine--three cherries gets you soaked.

^Well, he or she could take a very short ride on it, I guess.

The "High Five" element is great--this is one insane ride.

Grizzly Gulch Runaway Mine Cars at Hong Kong Disneyland last Friday night. An excellent family coaster that easily tops Expedition: Everest (at least Grizzly Gulch's animatronic critters work)--well done, Disney!

Looks like the Justice League shooter is an excellent replacement for the old Batman simulator--just the kind of attraction Movie World needs.

I disagree with this statement completely. I really enjoyed Movie Park back in 2008, and it looks like they have a solid new ride in Van Helsing. As Elissa said, there are parks that are far worse than Movie Park.

I'm shocked how many genuinely good coaster we rode in China. I love the megalites but sky scrapper was also excellent, by far my favorite flyer. (it helps that it's in "Warcraft" park ) China is definitely a land of extremes when it comes to coasters--the two Mega Lites were great, too (as one would expect).

For me, it's a toss up between the new GCI at Knight Valley and the the "High Five" coaster (aka "Dauling Dragons") at Happy Valley Wuhan (on the blue-train side). HKD's new Grizzly Gulch Runaway Mine Cars ride is a a lot of fun, too.

Runaway Mine Cars is a perfect Disney coaster, and the launched section packs a nice punch. I enjoyed the rest of Hong Kong Disney, too.

"Dualing Dragons" is nuts, and the "High Five" element is insane.

I watched Silent Hill right before leaving for China. It's a good little horror flick and should make a good maze—especially if you're into stacked, butt-ugly nurses (have not played the video games). Thanks for the sneak peek, Jack and Jacqui.

The locals seem absolutely terrified of the Megalite. I've never seen so many people leave the station without boarding.

In addition, there is no Santa Claus. The Kidsville area was long overdue for an overhaul.

Cedar Point is better than DisneySea too, it seems. Sure. People need to get out more.

All is forgiven, Erik. Vekoma SLCs are smooth as glass compared to their Chinese cousins.

It was exactly as advertised.

^Why, so you are, Martin!

^Pirates don't say "whee!" They say "Arrr" when riding Piraten!

Aghh! No! Thought I was gonna die on the one at Tivoli Gardens. I'm not a flat-ride person, but swinging ships, Condors, and Rainbows can be fun.