Electerik

I was kind of hoping you were going to answer this question.

What I liked about Symbolica was that it seemed like the park was very much following its own muse. I mean, they could have made it shooting or 3-D or something for marketing reasons, but they were just like, "No, this is what we want." Or, at least, that's the impression that I got out of it.

Part 2: Coaster Trains & Bitterballen Here begins our coastering around Europe with TPR. A few preparatory notes: We skipped the 0th day pre-trip add-on. Bobbejaanland looked cool, but as it was our first trip to Europe, we really wanted to maximize our time in Amsterdam. So you'll need to look to AJ, Chuck, or Larry's trip reports for coverage of that. Efteling is big. It's also really good, and in retrospect was probably the best park of the trip. At least, for us. The group stayed at the Efteling hotel for two nights and had about a day and a half in the park. This was ideal for us, as it meant we could really take our time at Efteling and go back to the hotel anytime we needed a rest (because we're old). The park was very lightly attended on our first evening there, and we were able to do quite a bit. It was a bit busier on our second day, but filming on the coasters in the morning before the park opened got us a lot of rides knocked out, and we were able to spend most of the second day checking out the fairy tale section of the park, re-riding things we'd liked, and picking up those last few things we'd missed. Next up was Toverland. I don't follow theme park happenings as closely I used to, and all I really knew about Toverland is that it was mostly indoors, with a couple of coasters outside. But that's not really the case. The park is bigger than I'd imagined, and their newest section (Avalon) is really good. We spent about three-quarters of the day there, leaving early (by more or less unanimous group decision) to stay ahead of a fairly ominous approaching storm. The third park I'll be covering in this update is Walibi Holland. This is a former Six Flags, so I expected to just ride a couple of good coasters and ignore most of the rest, but it turned out to be a fairly nice park. By this time I was convinced that The Netherlands is just pretty and all you have to do in terms of landscaping is to get out of the way. It also helped that the park seemed legitimately excited that we were there, and were very nice to us (not that the other parks weren't, mind you). We also visited two smaller parks in Holland, but I'm pushing those to the next update, whether it makes any sense geographically or not. I'm confident you'll forgive me. Speaking of me, it might be a good time to mention that my opinions--especially regarding roller coasters--are often very different than that of other coaster nerds. This isn't because I'm contrarian (well, not entirely, anyway) but because I have what parks call "unusual body dimensions." Not only am I overweight, but more importantly, I have scoliosis. Riding roller coasters doesn't exacerbate my condition or anything, but a lot of the newer restraints on today's wilder rides simply don't fit me well, and this often results in rather uncomfortable rides. So keep that in mind when I say things like, "I would've been more excited to ride Robin Hood than Untamed." I'm not trying to be provocative. It makes sense if you're me. Cool? That bus life. There was a mouse in our room! Also, a board game. And somebody else's red shoes! The Royal Beef at De Hoffelijke Heraut restaurant, in the Efteling Hotel, was amazing. Apples in the mashed potatoes?! Well done, Holland! (Restaurant name translation: The Courteous Herald.) The hotel has its own entrance at the back of the park. This Efteling's main entrance, and this photo was taken midway through our second day in the park. TRUST NOTHING. Most of Efteling's coasters are clumped together. But we're not really here for the coasters.... Dark ride rundown! The partially gravity-powered Dreamflight! The brand new (trackless and semi-interactive) Symbolica! The totally not racist anymore Festival Carnival! The 1001 Arabian Nights themed Fata Morgana! Efteling is not ugly. In fact, it's kind of like if Busch Gardens Williamsburg and Disneyland had a baby, but then Disney refused to acknowledge being the father, and then Busch Gardens was like, "I don't want your money, I just want our child to know his father," and then the child grew up and decided to spend a gap year in Europe and never came home. And his parents were both bitter in their own ways, but the child lived a happy life and never held any grudges. It's like that. I was under the impressions that Joris en de Draak were dueling family coasters, or like junior woodies, but I would say they both qualify as true and proper wooden coasters. Great fun! I took this photo. If Robb posts claiming credit, don't believe him. (And if you think this is an unflattering photo, just wait until we get to Lech Coaster in the next installment!) Efteling has a large fairy tale section, presumably lorded over by king stumpy here. I don't think "The Wolf and the Seven Young Goats" story ever made it over to America. Hey, it's the same board game from our hotel room! This rapids ride is called Piraña, which I haven't quite been able to reconcile with the ride's pre-Columbian cultures theme. Is it the fish? I believe "piran" is "pirate." Any Dutch speakers want to help me out here? There's a famous story about a Dutch child putting his finger in a dam that I suddenly no longer want to talk about. The Flying Dutchman was cool. A nice themed section and not too wet. This caption was not funny. But maybe it was informative...? The station may remind you of a certain famous Disney ride. Or maybe it won't. I don't know. I'm not you, am I? Look, it's like Pirates of the Caribbean, okay? Is that what you wanted me to say? Have you noticed yet that I rant when I'm trying to distract from sub-standard photo quality? No? Well then never mind. This guy may remind you of a certain famous Efteling animatronic. I don't even remember what's in here. Something minor, I think. This park is awesome. The Octopus is a quick service restaurant and play area with sort of a Rainforest Cafe vibe. It's also just a great idea. Bitterballen, which the internet describes as "bite-size beef and gravy croquettes" and I describe as the greatest fried food I've ever eaten. Goldberg enjoying throwing away his trash just a little too much. Prepare for rant. (In my defense, it was taken through a plexiglass window designed to protect me from burning coal.) I posted this photo on Instagram with the caption, "Do you like your job? - "Neigh!" and got a flurry of angry responses in Dutch from people who apparently thought I was some sort of animal rights activist. But as soon as I assured them that I actually hate horses and want them all to burn they stopped responding to me. Glad I finally won them over! I'm "Electerik" on Instagram if you want to see more photos of things on fire! Baron 1983 was fine. It's always weird when your first example of something (in this case, SheiKra) turns out to be the best of its type. [Copy/paste to appropriate photo in Part 4 of this report.] Cool coaster people! I mean, cool-ish. Well, they're coaster people. Efteling's version of Harry Potter robes. Also, Efteling's version of a talking tree. The Monosnail! It's not really called that, but it should be. Also, it's great. This building houses a steam-powered carousel, and, like almost everything is this park, is great. Same building. Model trains. I need a thesaurus to look up some other words for great. Sorry, I've just been informed that I am on the internet. Well, that's just considerably above the normal or average. Vogel Rok is like Space Mountain except it's better and I have no idea what's going on. We might be egg thieves...? Nice geese? Can geese be a suggestive euphemism for boobs? Smisty says no. Nice...um...boobs, I guess. Nailed it. Toverland's new entrance. Sorry for the lack of transition. We're at Toverland now. Surprise! The "front part" of the park is kind of a big water play area and seating areas surrounded by all your standard main street type things (guests services, lockers, etc.) It's cool idea, but it has a real water park feel that I didn't really dig, if I'm being honest. It probably works really well for them, and points for doing something different. Fenix was my first wingrider, so I wasn't sure what to expect. I really enjoyed it, though. The star attraction of their new Avalon section, which could almost be a cool little park unto itself. Someone's been to Island of Adventure. Wait, is there like a left-leaning Libertarian option or something? Political humor! Fenix and Merlin's Quest (the boat ride). This caption is neither funny nor informative, if I'm being honest. You knew which one was the boat ride. Merlin's Quest has a dark ride section, and now I am happy. Avalon is where King Arthur went when he died, and Toverland is where fat Americans go to die. (For clarity, I mean me, not the very nice people in the photo.) It's a restaurant. It probably has a name. Hey, I went to a lot of parks in very short succession, and I'm tired of looking stuff up, okay? These fools offered all-you-can-eat ribs with Americans in the park! Let's show them how we do! Moments before disaster. This spinning coaster (Dwervelwind, happy?) was quite good. Nice theming in the station, too. (If you know what I mean.) (I don't know what I mean.) Possibly my first coaster named after a classical city of antiquity. Troy! For me, all GCIs are measured against Thunderhead. This was less good. Still fun, though. Moments before disaster. The indoor/outdoor log flume. We skipped it, as it seemed to be having quite a few mechanical problems this day. (Why, this log just went down backwards!) A thousand ways to kill yourself at Toverland. Super crazy roller skater. I am decidedly not a credit whore, and I still rode it. Booster Bike. I always liked the look of this layout. Good ride. The weird restraints and seating position are actually just fine for me. I would like to try this with some sort of normal sit-down trains, though, just out of curiosity. Toverland's old entrance. We were tracking approaching bad weather all day, but we managed to get everything we wanted done and still get out before it hit. I liked Toverland. But more the outdoor sections. The theming of the indoor sections just sort of butts up again the warehouse look of the non-themed parts in a really weird way. But now I feel weird saying that. Moving on. Back to our next hotel a bit earlier than originally planned, Smisty and I decided to head out in search of food and oddventure! Well, not really "in search of." We knew exactly where we were going.... IKEA! In addition to the obvious meatballs and such, we just had to try some weird stuff that's not on the menu where we're from (like satay, for example). "Hardgaan" is Dutch for "this park has a shite layout because it used to be a Six Flags." The cover for our upcoming mixtape, "F#ck Slow, Hard Gaan." El Rio Grande (rapids), Xpress: Platform 13 (outdoor Rock N Roller Coaster), and Goliath (Intamin hypercoaster). Walibi Holland doesn't have a dark ride, but it does have a Vekoma Madhouse with a graffiti problem. So, they re-themed their car ride to "speed dating," but just in case that's not lame enough, they only themed the entrance. There is absolutely no mention, suggestion, or hint of speed dating, love, or anything even vaguely related anywhere else on the ride! This stand sells waffles. You can get them with white chocolate or cherry compote on them. Or, if you're me, you can use your smooth-talking ways to get both. I've seen people trespassed out of parks for less than this. This guy didn't even get a "sit down" spiel. Europe is different. Also, everything about this boat is designed to keep you from getting wet, and that waterfall wasn't going to do much more than drip on them. So I'm not sure what he's freaking out about. If you tore this down, it would be easier to get to Goliath. Also, this was Gearhart's 600th coaster. And I can't think of a more appropriate one. This was...messed up. This was probably the coaster I was most excited about going in to the trip. And I was not disappointed. (However, I ended up riding two coasters I liked even better later in the week. Foreshadowing!) I wish it were still green, though. I'm not sure who took this photo. It wasn't me. I'm just going to assume Robb. But, if you recognize it as yours, well, now you have an opportunity to post a reply! This log flume was ho-hum. EXCEPT, the double-down drop, which was great (considerable, substantial, pronounced) and which I now believe should be standard on all log flumes going forward. Walibi Holland had this one very Toverland thing, which was this self-operated rope-pull raft. Lost Gravity was so screwed up, in the best way. It also had probably the best example of "junk theming" I've ever seen. The idea is that gravity has gone crazy and things are just floating and sideways and weird. This ride was not on my radar at all, but was really funky and fun. The restraints weren't great for me, but they were okay-ish. I rode it two or three times before I needed to stop, but I have fond memories of it! It's just...it's so weird. Somebody's been to Islands of Adventure. People tell me this is the best Boomerang. So now I can say that I skipped the best Boomerang. Larry says this was great (significant, appreciable, serious). I guess we all just have to take his word for it. Walibi Holland's "main street" has a building in the middle of it. Or I guess you could say that part of their "main street" is covered. And has a coaster entrance in it. Xpress: Platform 13 has quite an elaborate queue. It's almost a walk-through attraction, starting as being themed to a normal train station and slowly becoming more sinister. Worth checking out even if you're not interested in an outdoor version of Rock N Roller Coaster. I would've been more excited to ride Robin Hood. I did ride Untamed once, since I was there. It was uncomfortable, but I lived, so yay. Do you want an anti-RMC rant? No? Okay, I'll ask again when we get to Kolmarden. These guys seem to have enjoyed it--especially Rector. It's like, instead of designing a proper roller coaster, they purposely designed it wrong, and then had to create a restraint system so restrictive that it "protects" you from experiencing the injuries this bad design would naturally cause. Okay, okay. Sorry. To be fair, this was the best RMC I've been on. Thanks, Walibi! Don't let my whining about Untamed get you down. Everybody else seemed into it. And I really liked Goliath and Lost Gravity! Join us again in some indeterminate amount of time for Part 3, which will mostly cover Poland!

I feel like there's nothing Larry can tell me about that he hasn't already.

Hello! Erik & Smisty here. You may remember us from such Trip Reports as Erik & Smisty's Vancouver Oddventure or Erik & Smisty at the Mall of America. We'd always wanted to go on a TPR trip, the timing just never seemed to be right. But now we have! We visited something like 10 parks in 10 days, covering The Netherlands, Poland, and Sweden. Since this was also our first trip to Europe, we spent a few days on our own both before and after the official trip. This first part will be covering our pre-trip wanderings around Amsterdam. But, not to worry, we've managed to sneak in a ride or two.... But before we get to the photos, more words! A few observations about Amsterdam: If you're at all worried about being lost or at a disadvantage because you don't speak the language, almost everyone in Amsterdam seems to speak English just about as well I do. Do be aware that it's very much UK English, though. So it's a lift, not an elevator. On a related note, I've never felt so much like a big old hunk of Ameritrash as when a citizen of a country I'm visiting apologizes to me for their poor English-language skills. Most signs are in English and Dutch, but if it is only in one language, that language is usually English. We were told that if you take a photo of a prostitute in Amsterdam, they will throw piss at you. Which is interesting because in America they charge for that. We didn't go to the Red Light District at all, except once by accident, where we saw a lady in lingerie hanging out in front of a window. I would've taken a photo, but, well, you know. In Amsterdam, "coffee shops" sell marijuana, "cafes" serve coffee, a "restaurant" is a type of fish, and "whore houses" are just places that play Burt Reynolds films. Crazy! The Dutch struck me as rather conservative in terms of dress and personal appearance, which is interesting considering how tolerant they are culturally. The city is beautiful, but there's a consistency to the look of the old town streets/canals that borders on sameness. A lot of the buildings are wonky. I mean, they're old and built on marshland. But, also, a lot of them were originally warehouses and built with front-facing facades that tapered out as they went up, so they could hoist things to the upper floors without cargo damaging the front of the building. If you look, you'll often see a steel beam sticking out from the front of the building near the top. The canals look cool, but don't seem to serve much of a purpose anymore, beyond transporting tour boats. There are no proper water taxis or citizens rowing over to their neighbor's house, that I saw, and no real industry (utilizing the canals) besides tourism. There were some houseboats, but they just sit there, so, really, those could just be land houseboats on land canals. There are a lot of bicycles in Amsterdam. No matter how many bicycles you are imagining based on that statement, there are more. As an American, we often think of ourselves as largely coming from England, culturally. But being in The Netherlands really reminded me of just how much my country was influenced by Dutch culture. Restaurant service is slow, especially towards the end, as full-service dining is apparently meant to be a leisurely activity, and you're supposed to feel at home and not like you're being rushed out. Not always ideal if you're on vacation and eager to get to the next thing. Holland is two regions of The Netherlands, and calling the country Holland is roughly akin to calling the UK "England," except that the Dutch don't really seem to mind. So I will mostly just say Holland because it's easier to type. Except, of course, when I don't. But within the context of these trip reports, forgive my ugly American-ness and just consider the two names to be interchangeable. What the Dutch call a staircase, Americans call a ladder. Okay, let's do this.... Part 1: Bicycles & Stroopwaffles - Page 1 Part 2: Coaster Trains & Bitterballen - Page 2 Part 3: Planes & Pierogi - Page 3 Part 4: Buses & Glassbombers - Page 5 Part 5: Ships & Meatballs - Page 6 Part 1: Bicycles & Stroopwaffles After 13 hours in the air, we took the train into the city-proper. THIS IS THE TRAIN STATION. Seriously? F-you, Amsterdam! Our hotel, the Sir Adam, part of the A'DAM Tower, beckons across the IJ River. But first we must cross the Intersection of Doom from the train station to the free ferry as pedestrians, bicycles and scooters zoom every which way in what was probably a well-coordinated dance until we blundered into the middle of it. The karaoke elevator. (Not pictured, but also in our hotel: the disco elevator.) Every room at the Sir Adam has a record player, and there are bins full of vinyl down in the lobby. Also, the view wasn't bad and whenever anyone asks me what my favorite thing on the trip was, my first thought is this hotel room but I try not to say it because that seems uncultured and bad. Atop the building is the A'DAM Lookout observation deck. The giant red horse represents, um, Holland...defeating...the horse tribes of Northern Europe...in the 1600's, I'm pretty sure. "Over the Edge" is a swing ride over the side of the tower. And while "Europe's highest swing" is quite nice, it's no Stratosphere. It costs 5 euros, but obviously I have no idea how much that is. Pictured here is our cousin Marcolio and his girlfriend Nefertiti. Also in the building, this high-end burger chain that a lot of trip participants seem to have checked out at one point or another. It was pretty good, too. This is what Amsterdam looks like. I'm going to try to post photos that look different from this, but those will largely be lies and trickery. This is Amsterdam. Bebo is the leading chain of faux-vending machine fast food places that have been all the rage in Holland since the invention of little doors. I imagine that one of the more stressful jobs in Amsterdam is driving instructor. If you don't think we went to the Amsterdam Cheese Museum, you've obviously never read one of our trip reports. It's really more of a cheese shop with some exhibits in the basement, but I honestly would've gone in if it were only a cheese shop, so it's a win in my book. Check out the Dutch stairs in the background. Good luck! Little known fact: Almost all of the cobblestones in Amsterdam were imported from Hell. Lunch with Marcorio and Nerfetti at De Carrousel. I had the ham, egg, and cheese pancake and strawberry nutella poffertjes. We skipped the Anne Frank House but this one's lighthearted name keeps it from being too depressing! On the other hand, it seems even more disrespectful than my comment that there is a road going through what is supposed to be a memorial to Holocaust victims. Based on our research ahead of time, we were going to skip the Rijksmuseum in the interest of not overmuseuming. But once we saw it in person, we had to go. I enjoyed this massive medieval mixed medium museum much, I must say. Rembrandts and the full museum experience. I don't know much about art, but I know what I like. If you're going to spend months carving a statue, I think you really owe it to yourself to ensure that it's picking its nose. We also went to the Van Gogh Museum, but since they clearly hate publicity and don't allow photography, and the Rijksmuseum has Van Goghs of their own, maybe just go here. One of these things is not like the others. Oooh, stroopwaffles.... Smisty, nooooooooooo! Approximately 15,000 bicycles are pulled out of Amsterdam's canals every year. That's actually not a joke. I did research. The Artis Amsterdam Royal Zoo opened in 1838, making it the world's fifth oldest zoo. The best part of this photo is that on the right hand side of it is a canal, and on the other side of that are multi-story apartment buildings. Which means that one could theoretically have an apartment in Amsterdam with a view of elephants, zebras, and giraffes. Which is honestly something I never even considered as a possibility but now is the only thing I can think about. Artis also has an aquarium in it, which I am for. And inside this aquarium, for some reason, is a black and white poster-sized photo of The Big One at Blackpool Pleasure Beach, which I nearly included a photo of here just so I could say there was a photo of a roller coaster in this section of the trip report. But, in the end, I decided I was above such trickery and besides you're reading it anyway. "Dude, I can totally see inside that apartment building!" I don't think I can poop here. This bird looks like it deserves to be in prison. I would have bought these guys, but there's no way I could handle that level of judgement. This is a monkey riding a cow. I'm not sure how consensual it is on the part of the cow. Maybe the cow is for it. Maybe they are in love. I don't know, and I'd prefer not to speculate. Micropia is a separately ticketed part of Artis dedicated to microscopic animals and bacteria. You are a disgusting ecosystem. Micropia isn't terribly large (which makes sense, I guess), but it is interesting. I wish I knew, kid. I wish I knew. On the right is the Hortus Botanicus botanical garden. We would've gone inside, but it was beginning to get hot in Amsterdam (foreshadowing!) and what we'd experience so far in the city suggested that a greenhouse here would likely not be equipped to keep us comfortable, temperature-wise. Oh, you don't want one of those, believe me. "Grillroom Donny" was a hole-in-the-wall, but it served amazing street food and the dude who ran it was awesome. The thing on the right is a waffle, by the way. It's just hard to tell. Soarin' Over Holland. Conveniently located next to A'DAM Tower and our hotel room. They create people here. Misty really liked that the preshow told you what parts of Holland you were going to fly over. This one also gets a bit dark, as at one point you run directly into one of the blades of those giant modern windmills, destroying it in a process that I can only assume would result in your immediate and spray-form demise. Oh, and pretty much every transition spritzes you, whether it makes any sense or not. So, yeah, awesome. Weird salad at the Eye Film Museum's restaurant. The Eye Film Museum and the IJ River at Sunset, circa almost 10:00pm. Stay tuned for part 2, featuring actual roller coasters!

Hey, is everybody cool if I just take Chuck's TR and repost it with my name on it? Going through my photos now, and we have a lot of similar shots. It's almost like we went on the same trip!

Thank you. That was exactly the goal. Sorry to those who miss the more direct commentary--just experimenting a bit with the form. In my own opinion, my photography is nothing special. If I have a strength, it's storytelling. As for American Girl, all I knew was that they sold dolls and had a cafe with an interesting dessert menu. I mean, I expected it to be both frilly and creepy--and wanted to experience that--but I never expected the hostess to ask us this question: "And would you like a doll friend to join you?"

Quoth the Smisty: "I'm sorry for every other time I said I was cold. I was wrong."

Ooh, ooh, I have memories! Scandia Ontario with Erik & Smisty Fun little park. Shame to see it go.

I do miss Dollywood at Christmas--and every other time. Thanks, John!

Coaster snacks, you say? Thanks, Chuck. I enjoyed your happy talking time!

Thanks for that. I did not answer myself, because I did not know the answer!

Our final day in Vancouver left us with a bit of a vacancy. Having moved up our previously scheduled oddventures, we had half a day to fill before we needed to be back on the train to Seattle. And I knew just the thing. Already, I'd been thinking about it...haunted by it. It was a risk, of course, but I had to know.... Erik & Smisty's Vancouver Oddventure Day 5: 84 Loonie Bruises Playland, for one reason and one reason only. C$37 per human be damned! But, we were also carrying our "luggage," since we'd already checked out of our hotel. So BC$20 for a place to put our two backpacks, with a VCR$10 rebate upon return of the key. This was fun, though. You can buy a loquer before the rope drop, but you can't access them until after. But look where they are! I just want to get myself sorted! For pity's sake! We were close now. I could almost taste it. I had to know if it was everything I'd imagined.... Tiger Tiger ice cream. Bam. Credit acquired. Thanks for reading, everyone! Oh, wait, there's more. I mean, since we're back here, we might as well give this thing a whirl, since it's running now. So, if you like your coasters violent, you'll probably really dig this. Me, personally, I'm more of a "strong floater air" type. So while I enjoyed the ride (mostly), it must also be said that it's not really my thing. We rode three times: once in the second row, once in the front, and once in the back. And in the back, for just a second, I honestly thought that I might've broken some ribs. Happily, this was not the case. However, Smisty still has bruises, and it's been 11 days. So, yes, happy we rode it, had a good time, are never riding it in the back seat again. Lest you think Vancouver is all monopoly money and licorice ice cream.... ...it too has issues with drugs and homelessness. Earnest Ice Cream had a mix of traditional and stupid hipster flavors, and was quite good. Seriously, ash and bone marrow are not ice cream flavors. Just admit that you don't like ice cream and go back to Starbucks. "Telus World of Science" "Tell you what?" "Tell us why people think puns are a type of humor." Science in Canada primarily involves throwing things, which is cool. This is more my speed. Just kidding. This stuff looks like you could make some pretty good ice cream out of it. The "torture a hippo" exhibit. Holy crap, is that the same kid?! Cool bridge in the former Olympic Village area. You can't hang with us. #icecreambitches A statue in honor of Vancouver's founder, Watchman Satanicus. Wait, is that an A&W in the train station? Iceless root beer in a frosty mug. I like how Canada is trying to be all hard here, but then just can't help itself. "Or, it might not be." Back on the train game. This is Patrick (probably). Patrick is an idiot who brought food back from the dining car to his seat, spilled his drink all over himself, and then fell asleep before the customs check. Can I just say that the Canadian customs officers we encountered were all super nice. I'll let you guess how the US customs officers were? Let's just say that one of them threatened to send Patrick back to Canada. Which, how is that even a threat?! That's like being suspended for missing too much school! "You're way too relaxed, mister! Back to the comfy chair!" Goodbye, British Columbia! You're not ugly! Yes, back in America! Go to hell, Canada!

I really need to get to this park. And I don't agree that names are unimportant, but I also don't agree that this name is bad. The worst names are those that are already in use! The worst unique name is better than the best copycat name.

Day 4 was spent exploring Stanley Park--which is sort of like New York's Central Park, except smaller and less central. And it's not in New York. Actually, it's nothing like New York's Central Park. In fact, everything in Vancouver is completely unique, no matter what any of those other cities might tell you. I'm not crazy. You're the one that's crazy. Erik & Smisty's Vancouver Oddventure Day 4: Sexy Room Temperature Bread If you're anti-spoiler, then don't look at this map. Or indeed any map, ever. Most of Stanley Park looks like this, except less blurry. Vancouver's Aquarium has a pretty good reputation, so we were excited! And, in fact, it was good. But not amazing, honestly. I've come to the realization that I don't like "west coast style" aquariums (which tend to have booth indoor and outdoor sections) as much as east coast ones (which tend to be entirely indoor). I'm not sure why. It seems like it should only be an advantage. Note the occasional lack of fencing beyond those doors--which, in the United States, would of course mean, "Please trample our exhibits." Monkeys Snake Oh, thanks heavens, a fish! Most people seemed to miss that you could light up the hanging jellyfish from this console. White Strawberry Jellyfish (I'm just seeing if anyone is going to call me on this.) Small Canadian Humans Remember how the Miami Seaquarium only has one Killer Whale, so they gave her some Pacific White Sided Dolphins as pets? Well, this is that same kind of dolphin. And, also, I'm sorry that this report is not as good as the one from the Miami Seaquarium, or that nothing ever will be. I already used this joke on Instagram, but.... Are we sure these guys aren't Americans? This looks pretty amazing here, but really those are just graphics. If you want to show your boobs to seals, but not other humans, the Vancouver Aquarium has you covered. Depressing aquarium is depressing. ...and features a weird art exhibit about trash. Okay, well, it kind of seems like you're part of the problem here, Vancouver Aquarium. They had a cafe, but it was mediocre. Also, they were playing religious music in it, for reasons that are lost on me. There's also a 4-D theater, but it seems to have long gross-looking lines, so let's move on. "I am sad that you hate my home." No no, Mr. Sea Turtle. It is actually a very nice aquarium. It's just...well, have you ever thought about moving to Georgia? You are not an octopus. I'm sorry. I don't know what they told you, but you're not. I love Canada so much. The figure at the very bottom right has frogs for boobies. Walking the seawall along Vancouver Harbour. (Yes, "Harbour." Damn you, American spellcheck!) I love Canada so much. "Girl in a Wetsuit" Copenhagen is watching you, Vancouver. Free water play area for kids. Free shady trees for adults. The Stanley Park Railroad was the surprise of the day. It was on my list as something we should have a look at, but it turned out to be pretty awesome. I think this might be the best pure train ride we've been on. Fight me. No one screamed in this tunnel. I love Canada so much. Maybe the surprise of the trip...? We thought about riding again, but then we got distracted looking at other stuff. Ever onward. Lions Gate Bridge San Francisco is watching you, Vancouver. Prospect Point Bar & Grill We have to keep our energy up! There are still more photos to take! Prospect Point is quite nice, and features a multi-level observation terrace that I'm not actually going to show you for some reason. But here's a photo of a cruise ship leaving the harbour, taken from said observation terrace. This photo was actually taken from Lions Gate Bridge, though that may appear questionable. Vancouver Harbour Do we have any Canadians here? Can you explain this sign to me? I am 100% serious. I think it might be that horse carriages can't park here, but anything else can...but maybe it's the other way around? Please help me. Of course there are gardens. Free, too. There's lots of stuff in Stanley Park. We didn't see it all, and we're not showing you everything we did see. But I think it's fair to say that no visit to Vancouver would be complete without a visit to Stanley Park. I love Canada so much.

We generally have a plan for each day when we vacation, with some room built in for rearranging and/or spontaneity. The plan for Day 3 was Capilano Suspension Bridge Park and then board games. But since we were ahead on Day 2, we had already done the board game stuff, and when we ran ahead on this day, we brought forward some Day 5 stuff to here. If you're wondering why I've told you all that, I understand. Let's just assume that it might be relevant later.... Erik & Smisty's Vancouver Oddventure Day 3: Safety Nature Capilano is in North Vancouver, but wisely runs free shuttles from the downtown area up to themselves. Here we are aboard one such shuttle bus, crossing Lion's Gate Bridge. (More on that in Day 4.) Oof. That doesn't look good. But not to worry! First of all, this is the line to buy tickets, and we'd bought ours ahead of time. And second, this photo was actually taken on our way out, but I've placed it here for narrative purposes. (You've got to watch me; I'm tricky.) Totemy things, is the technical name for these, I believe. Here you can see the rest of our party: Damien, Becka, Backpack Man, Hat Boy, Hat Boy's Mom, and Angry Steve. These people are not with us. It might be worth mentioning that I love bridges--especially ones that move. Smisty...not so much. (Please use handrails.) Yub nub, eee chop yub nub. So...they built a crooked wooden house, but first they poured level concrete? These settlers have some very inconsistent construction skills. EXTREME BOARDWALKING "What have I done with my life?" "Dude, I can go." This is probably what Playland looked like before they paved it. Not that I'm bitter. Cliff House Restaurant I ordered the ravioli, with salmon. They forgot the salmon. I wouldn't normally make a fuss, but we were literally the first and only customers at this point. Capilano has a photo of me where I look fatter, on permanent display. These girls are not laughing at me. I don't think. Oh, god. We mostly kept ahead, but it did get a bit crowded. (It was Saturday, after all.) All told, we walked over 11 miles on this day. So here's a photo of the real heroes, our feet. (Well, one of my feet and those of a total stranger, but still.) Tourists can obtain more than 85% of their information from plaques. Nature thing. Quiet, it might hear you. The waterfall, I mean. It doesn't make sense. I'm trying to be funny. Sorry. While I appreciate the warning, a bit more specificity would be welcome. What exactly is the danger? Snakes? Rusty nails? Socialists? How can I be expected to make good decisions based on incomplete information? I don't know this person. But she wouldn't move, so now she's with us forever, in photographic spirit. This is an erosion display. But all it takes it for one person to reach out and touch it and soon all these idiots are washing their hands off in it. Like, you weren't even touching anything and this isn't the end of your not touching anything and it's clearly marked as an erosion display, what is wrong with you? God, I hate people. This photo is objectively terrible, but I love it, so here you go. "Man Explodes into Gift Shop." This "band" is named The Capilanos. I am not kidding. After a brief stop back at the hotel, we took a journey via Vancouver's hilariously named public transportation system, the Skytrain. We rode this all over town, and while it's a lovely amenity, there was not one second of it that was not underground. And where were we going, you ask? Well, thanks for asking! Queen Elizabeth Park. Misty is very proud of this photo, and rightfully so. I guess it's okay for people to be in this fountain...? I don't know how Canada works. Anyway, that dome is our next stop, the Bloedel Conservatory. Uncle Fester is no longer here. Stop asking. It's one frigging plant. Look, we have loads more. And statues. And birds. Seriously, we're more than just a home for Uncle Fester. Look at this thing. This is nice. There's a big dome. It's pretty. It's gone, and it's never coming back, okay. Check out these animals, instead. This Uncle Fester joke is getting tough to maintain, but the payoff is almost here. Wait for it.... Awkward.... (Bam. Nailed it!) Queen Elizabeth Park, as you can see, is very nice--even if the Conservatory is a pale imitation of itself without Uncle Fester. Smisty is good with bridges that don't move. I think this was a lynching. Canadian justice can be harsh. This sculpture ("Love in the Rain") was designed for people to attach padlocks to. (I'm guessing so that they would leave Vancouver's bridges alone?) Goodbye, Queen Elizabeth Park! We'd love to stay, but we have more trees and flowers to look at! Just a couple of blocks away from the Bloedel Conservatory (still my favorite Bond film) is VanDusen Botanical Garden. Are you sick of looking at trees, yet? Well, Vancouver says too bad! I hope you enjoy this brief moment of being inside. We wanted to sit for a minute, but these selfish jerks hogged up this bench the whole time we were there! Okay, that joke was dumb. They can't all be hilarious. You need to breathe on occasion. I'm just looking out for you. This is a fancier restaurant than the cafe back in the entrance building, but there was a wedding going on in it, just like everywhere else. Seriously, we saw at least three weddings at VanDusen, and two or three more back at Queen Elizabeth Park. Canadians need to calm the hell down with all their wedlock, man. This place is big. If we had realized just how big, we might not have tackled it on this day. We saw a good chunk, and what we saw, we really liked, but we weren't quite able to cover all of it. Ah well, another reason to venture back to Vancouver one day, I suppose. Istanbul, Not Constantinople Wait, that's not right.... I am so sick of looking at trees and flowers. I just need a few meters of concrete and like an A&W or something. Please. If I'm being completely honest, this is why we're here at VanDusen. A proper hedge maze! And it wasn't easy, either. Good stuff! Unless they get Uncle Fester back, you can probably skip the Blofeld Conspiracy, but VanDusen is definitely worth a visit. Christmas card? Yearbook photo? Album cover? Fear of fire ants? Something weird is going on here. I'd show you the Canadian one, but it wasn't as good. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! No, I'm just kidding. We suck. I mean, look at this Canadian gift shop! It's brilliant! I'm hungry, though. Let's get out of here. When in Rome....

No, he was just pregnant before. (Seriously, it's sort of not cool to ask about someone's weight...) I was just as surprised at how thin I looked in that Glass House photo as you were. That's why I included it! But, no, I don't think so. Fat as ever.

When planning this holiday, there was a choice to be made regarding Playland. Should we try to visit during the PNE Fair, when the park expands with additional rides, shows, and crowds, or see it in its "normal" state? I won't say it was an easy decision, and I'm still not sure we made the right choice, but in the end we went with experiencing Playland in its flaccid form. (I know. I'm sorry.) Erik & Smisty's Vancouver Oddventure Day 2: Sad Fountains of British Columbia We don't visit parks as often as we used to, but it's still exciting to go to a new one! Playland exists within the boarders of Hastings Park, which contains quite a few other attractions and special event spaces. This is Momiji Gardens. It's free, completely accessible from all directions, and unguarded (at least that we saw). This thing wouldn't last a week in the US. Momiji Gardens represents an apology, because we're in Canada. This is around the back of Playland, and I assume most people miss it unless the Fair is happening. Fun story: Right after this photo was taken, and employee walked out and added "Roller Coaster" to the Attractions Not Operating Today sign. While there is some landscaping, it mostly exists in the form of planters and such. Playland is basically a "Fair in a parking lot" kind of park, which is baffling because it opened in 1910 and is in the Pacific Northwest--a region that will literally just grow beautiful trees and flowers all on its own if you don't stop it. Well, at least the Kettle Creek Mine Coaster is running. Two of my favorite things: Pirate Ships and Water Fountain Lions. They have a glass maze. It's super easy though because there are no mirrors and the wooden floor has a path worn into it. Still, it's cool that it exists. Bug Whirled was surprisingly fun for an extremely short kiddy coaster. That fountain is just pitiful. I honestly feel bad for it. We skipped the Vekoma Corkscrew. I'm more of a "unique experience whore." This photo is really just here to show you what kind of park Playland is. Which is not to say that it's a bad park, or that we didn't have fun. But if somebody told me that this was a top 10 park for them, I'd say that they hadn't been to more than 10 parks. Once I was the King of Spain (now I eat humble pie)! Wait, what? Does that say orange ice cream swirled with black licorice ripple? That's too weird, even for me. Canada is different, man. Best photo op cut-out ever. Yup, there it is. The star of the park. The main reason to come here. A ride that still shows up on some pretty well-traveled enthusiasts' top 10 lists. Can't ride it, though. It's broke. The park hasn't gotten rid of the crew yet, though. And ride engineers are out on the track banging on stuff. So there's hope still, right? Mini golf is included with admission, which is nice. You may not know this about us, but we like mini golf. First we'll get some sweet tats. Then, cheeseburgers. And poutine, obviously. I mean, you can get it in the states, but it's still fairly rare. It's seriously everywhere in Canada, though. And amazing. And us fat Americans should love it even more than they do. I mean, it's friggin' french fries with gravy and cheese(curds) on it! Okay, yes, the name does start with "poo," but whatever. Let's call it Freedom Salad and get it out there to the US masses! I'm generally anti-upcharge, but I make an exception for walk-through haunted houses. This one screwed with my American sensibilities, too, because the pop-out figures come very close to you, and in fairly confined spaces. Anyway, it was good. I think she's a ghost. The antlers are a dead giveaway. Misty's first Enterprise. She was skeptical, but I convinced her with the word, "Schwarzkopf." Starflyers combine being absolutely terrifying with the sensation of complete boredom. And this one was no exception. I'm not sure what I'm doing here. She asked me to pose and I panicked. Corkscrew as seen from the Westcoast Wheel, and that for some reason looks all tilt-shifted. Still no movement at Roller Coaster. *le sigh* See, like, what's going on here? I'm not asking you to be Disney. I don't even really like Disney all that much. (Their parks are mediocre.) But that's clearly a brand new trailer more or less permanently installed on a walkway. It's like you don't even want to be good. Model log flume. I can't even be arsed to look up who made it. But at least it has a cool name: "Flume." There's a path around the outside of Playland that allows for some additional views of Roller Coaster. Still, it's not the easiest ride to photograph. But at least I don't have to wait for a train to be in my photo! We waited as long as we could. I'm not sure if it eventually opened or not. But let us not dwell on sadness. We had fun, and there's more fun yet to be had! Slidey slides! That's what they're called. Seriously, go back to photo number 2 of this report and look on the map. Slidey slides. This playground equipment looks suspiciously like exercise machines. To the local hobby board game store! We bought a comic book and a Canadian board game. I have no idea how much they cost, though, because I'm stupid and the exchange rate confuses me. We might be bankrupt now. There's really no telling. I'm pretty sure the gas stations were charging like $150 per gallon. Er...I mean, per millimeter or something. Board game cafes are a thing in several cities now, but this is a board game pizza parlor. The Sticky Little Prince. Did you know that Hawaiian pizza was invented in Canada? You did? Well, I guess I'm not interesting then. Jesus Christ, Canada. You're making me cry here. That's a f**king shower head! Everyone is judging you! Perverted Ice Cream is the name of this place. And the ice cream was fine. But the esthetic was like a sex dungeon designed by junior high school kids who knew that their parents would eventually be coming by to see it. They're just trying way too hard here. It's soft serve, guys. I am immigrating to Canada. And then starting a fountain installation business. So far North, Superman lives here. Pixel Orca! (And like some witches or something. Canada is weird.) Thus endeth Day 2. Stay tuned for Day 3 in like a week or something.

Hello! Remember when we lived in Pigeon Forge and we had a thread about all the cool stuff there? And then we moved to Orlando and did another one? And then we moved to Las Vegas and there was no thread? Well, now we live in Seattle, and again there's no thread. However, we did recently spend 5 days in Vancouver, British Columbia, doing pretty much everything touristy there is to do there. So I think that's worth a little something, don't you? Erik & Smisty's Vancouver Oddventure Day 1: Inside A Cobra Up early for a walk to the train station. Just like in Pigeon Forge, we (happily) don't own a car. This was to be a trip of firsts. Our first time on a proper train. Our first visit to a foreign country. Our first time having a bus apologize to us. No idea idea how I got so old without experiencing any of those things, but here we are. On the ride up, you have to fill out a customs form, which they take (while checking your passport) at the border. Also, you have to guesstimate how much poutine you're going to eat while in Canada. Be careful! If you guess too low, they don't let you in! Well, I can't argue with that. "Beautiful" weather today, eh? What can you do on a train? Well, you can get up and go to another train car and eat cheeseburgers, for one thing. You can also play a board game. Board games are basically what we do now instead of going to amusement parks all the time. This game is called Muse. See if you can figure out which card matches the clue, "Columbus Day." It takes about 4 hours to go from Seattle to Vancouver via the Amtrak Cascades. Definitely more enjoyable than flying, though clearly much slower. The gloomy Pacific Northwest weather had burned off by the afternoon. Or maybe Canada is just prettier. In Erik-&-Smisty-land, vacationing is not for the faint of heart. We don't lie on the beach and drink Mai Tais. We're on the clock here, people! Vancouver, obviously jealous of Seattle's Pike Place Market, created this: the Granville Island Public Market. I've been staring at this photo for 5 full minutes trying to think of a caption, and all I've come up with so far is, "Fruit." Puffcream, obviously. Bought with Canadian monies, which are much more interesting and colorful than US monies. Plus, they don't have pennies, because pennies aren't actually money, and their dollar coins are affectionately known as, "Loonies," which is awesome. Here I am on a boat, looking at stuff. Vancouver is a lot like Seattle, which is a lot like Portland. Really, the three cities are just very similar to one another, which probably means this was a stupid place to go considering where we live. But there are differences. For example, in Vancouver, the most popular fast food chain is A&W. So that's weird. Vancouver also has special trick-riding bicycle lanes. Smisty has never seen a swing she didn't want to swing on. Crazy black hole vortex fountain, with Canada Place in the background. FlyOver Canada is basically Soarin'. (Seattle has one, too! "Wings Over Washington.") Photos of the ride are not allowed. However, I found a clever way to photograph what it looks like on the inside without breaking any rules! At first, I thought this was a straight copy (mechanically) of Soarin'. But, we rode in the middle row, and there were no feet in our view, so it's not exactly the same. Also, unlike both Soarin(s) and Wings Over Washington, this one uses wipes and fades to switch between scenes rather than smash cuts, which is something I've always wanted to see in one of these. Unfortunately, there is a bit of dodgy CG work in some of the scenes, where they pretty obviously added something (like, say, a sailboat or a train) into a scene that clearly wasn't there when they filmed it. There was also a dreadful preshow that featured lots of parkour because that's what the kids like these days...? That could look better. Looking back from Canada Place. Note how Vancouver Lookout is basically just Space Needle/Stratosphere style observation decks attached to the top of a regular building like mismatched Lego. (Yes, of course we're going there.) What? We're tourists. If you look carefully at this photo, the next one will make more sense. Well, kind of. Fritz European Fry House was a tiny establishment with weird seating, but absolutely amazing pulled-pork poutine. We bought tickets and were directed to stand in line (ahead right) and wait for the elevator (far left). We were not instructed that we should first walk over to the elevator and push the button to summon it. Operational oddities aside, it was a nice attraction. But then, I am a sucker for observation towers. We got there right before sunset. (It's almost like we know what we're doing!) Vancouver Lookout is 168 meters tall. (Figure it out, filthy Americans!) It features a 360-degree observation deck and a rotating restaurant. (But we just ate at Fritz, so no restaurant for us.) Canada Place is the thing that looks like sails, and is a double-sided cruise ship dock and event space, as well as being home to FlyOver Canada. I really liked Vancouver Lookout's open floor plan. I'm good at photos. You'll just have to trust me on that point, though, because Misty took this one. Back down on the ground and in the nearby Gas Town area of Vancouver, featuring a clock that runs on steam for some reason. The view from our hotel room. Well, that wraps up Day 1. Let's see how long it takes me to sort out Day 2, which is the part of the Trip Report you're actually interested in.

Dear Ms. Parton, Please make check out to: Erik & Smisty's Smoky Mountain Adventures Thank you,

Aw...you're too kind! Go on.... Ours cousins, Tot, Al, and Stran (Gers not pictured).

Greetings, friends! Erik (of Erik & Smisty fame) here. You may remember us from such trip reports as Lagoon & Salt Lake City or Scandia Ontario with Erik & Smisty. It's been said that a review tells you more about the reviewer than the thing being reviewed. So let me tell you who I am. I am a guy who likes small spaces, minimalism, and things that are odd, different, interesting, and/or funky. I'm also an aging theme park enthusiast who--while generally not unwell--is the heaviest and least healthy he's ever been. When I go to Cedar Point, I barely fit on the rides, and you're not going to find me marathoning The Voyage any time soon. But, happily, there are still places for people like me out there in amusement park land--special places. And I'm here today to tell you about one of those places: Enchanted Forest Of course, you'd better not have a problem with hills and stairs.... It had been 10 years since I last visit Enchanted Forest. I'd enjoyed the park immensely then, and I was eager for Misty to experience it. Boring stuff, because adults like that sort of thing. The left third of the park (very roughly) is walk-by and/or walk-through representations of classic fairy tale stories. I'm not going to show you everything, but suffice it to say that this is a small--but very detailed--park. Hey, kids, let's have fun reading! Apparently this was damaged and then replaced since my last visit. It looks the same. Indeed, the park really hasn't noticeably changed at all since the last time I was here. Here's a photo of Smisty's back. See, what happens is, I stop to take a photo, but she keeps walking. I tell you this for no reason. "Mad as a hatter" is a colloquial English phrase used in conversation to suggest (lightheartedly) that a person is suffering from insanity. The origin of the saying may derive from mercury poisoning (or Korsakoff's syndrome) experienced by hat-makers as a result of the long-term use of mercury products in the hat-making trade. If you already knew that, you may be old and sad. So, like, when they say "forest," they ain't kidding. This is a small maze. It is fun for children of all ages. While I've made much of how adult-friendly this park is, I wouldn't want to try to push a wheelchair around it. Wait...bears don't live in honeycombs. This can't be right. I'd like to speak to your supervisor. The Seven Dwarfs of Enchanted Forest are slightly different than Disney's Seven Dwarfs. Does that say, "Lumpy"? Okay, let's be clear: This is the least interesting section of the park, and it's still completely awesome. One of the park's most iconic images, and the first of its 3 slides. Note also four of the dwarfs who weren't selected for mining duty today, bottom-right. I believe that's Dinky, Shminky, Bobo, and Log. Enchanted Forest has an unguided crooked house! Also, Enchanted Forest *is* an unguided crooked house! This was the first thing the park's founder (more on him later) started building at Enchanted Forest. Yay, history! "Whee!" "Sir, are you all right? Are you having a stroke?" The middle third of the park is the kinda-sorta western themed Tofteville. "I can see it now! You'll be a star!" Remote control boats. I have zero interest, but at least these look nice. Fort Fearless contains the park's third big slide, as well as "Indian Caves." It's a crooked town. Inside the Opera House is a gift shop and continuous-looping history lesson about the park. Sorry for the spot on the lens. It rains in Oregon. I'm not sure if you knew that. Roger Tofte, the man who build this park, also drew the park map. Does this photo seem off, somehow? Anyway, this small BBQ restaurant is one of the very few new things I encountered on this visit. So we ate there. Boring old people love to eat. You know what else older active adults like? Muziums! I don't get it. Halloween is the favorite holiday of basically every adult I know. Whereas I like an occasion where I can take more photos of Smity's back. So, hey, how about a walk-through haunted house! (Also, "3 Tickets" is a weird address.) Spooooooky ghoooost haaaands....! Oingo Boingo are like, "This is stupid." The Haunted House is long, and mostly everything works. It's not particularly scary, and I don't think it really wants to be, but it is fun. Misty says it's the first thing she'd make better if we owned the park. This is a photo of a pathway that leads through an empty tunnel with no one in it. I guess this not-terribly-interesting dead-end kiddy ride section is park of Tofteville...? It consists of kiddy bumper boats, a small Ferris wheel, a Frog Hopper, kiddy train, and bumper cars. It's all fine, really. It's fine. Doesn't look like us old folks are going to be riding that. We can ride this train, though!. We didn't, but we can. Honestly, the train (while short) is the best thing back here. The landscape is themed with little fantasy buildings and the cars rock back and forth and have little buttons that make animal noises. So that's pretty cool. But even better is that employee's jacket! How do I get one of those?! That's right. Forget the rides, let's talk about clothes! One of the park's three big ride, the Big Timber Log Ride. (See, it even has BIG and RIDE in its name.) They still do loaner ponchos, too. Which is awesome, but also cheating and I'll have none of it thank you very much. This is seriously one of the two or three best log flume rides I've been on. At the top of the big lift hill, you enter into a section that's more than a little reminiscent of Knott's Timber Mountain Log Ride--but that's not a bad thing! Then we follow the terrain a bit, which is nice. Scenery is nice. Let's all have a sit. The woods here are blurry. It's not the photographer's fault. Also, I'm using an ancient and temperamental waterproof camera. But I really wanted you to see the waterless dip that's about to happen. The pacing is really interesting here. First you do the waterless dip and ascend, then a quick turn to the big drop finale. It's a great finish for a great ride. No poncho for me, thanks. I'm an adult. Yes, all three of the park's big rides are all right together. But while the Big Timber Log Ride is part of Tofteville, the Ice Mountain Bobsleds are part of the park's third area, the mystical Old European Village. This coaster was built in house, and has no restraints--unless of course you count being completely enclosed in your car as being restrained, which I guess yeah it is. Some of the course is icy and some is forested. Magic, I guess. That looks funky. Yay! There's no airtime, really--but this ride is weird, wild, and fun! You definitely need a car to yourself (especially if you're on the biggerness side) but that shouldn't be a problem if the park's not too busy. (And I'm pretty sure they wouldn't try to put you with a stranger in this thing.) Weird POV! Everyone has this photo. Challenge of Mondor is the park's third big ride. I think it was pretty new when I last visited. It's a trackless shooting dark ride. I didn't get many photos of this one. Because it's a shooting dark ride. But I can tell you the cars stop occasionally and spin. (Slowly, though--so don't worry, grampa!) The Old European Village proper is full of little details, window displays, and walk-throughs. So, like the rest of the park, it's awesome. Long John's Lookout is a small indoor seating area with a view of the Ice Mountain Bobsleds. Smisty's back likes to gift shop! Geppetto was not racist. A short simple animation show on a continuous loop. I'm not sure if the MC is supposed to be English or Australian, based on his accent, but it's fun and and and...this thing exists here and that's awesome! "Free Water Show" sounds like a trap. It's not, though. This eatery (pizza and burgers and such) has a dancing waters fountain show in it. Do you see why I love this place, yet? How about now? Also, I'm Oregonian. Check out my hat. This is a picture of benches. I'll put this up against a picture of benches anywhere. Go on, I dare you. Hit me with a better bench photo. Back at the front of the park, looking back up towards Old European Village. Smisty had a great time (true). Also, it was her birthday (not true). She's 5 now (really really not true). We end as we began, with a photo of the parking lot. But, really, isn't that how all theme park visits begin and end? Pretty deep, right? Enchanted Forest. Quite simply, one of my favorite places in the world.

Well, with all due respect, I didn't say that you believed it. Dang it! I intended to mention that! Fry sauce is one part ketchup and two parts mayonnaise, and seems to exist everywhere in the region that french fries do. Thank you, everyone, for the kind words! I'm glad you enjoyed the TR. I always worry when I post something so wide in scope.

Hello! Erik and Smisty here. You may not remember us from such trip reports as Lake Winnepesaukah & Rock City or Holiday World & Santa Claus, Indiana, because they were a long time ago. Here's the deal. We love theme parks. But not just theme parks. So there will be some photos of roller coasters--but there will also be lots and lots of photos of not roller coasters. Sorry about that. We live in Las Vegas, so Utah isn't all that far away. Of course, Salt Lake City isn't exactly located in the part that's close to us. Zion National Park is much closer. And awesome. I highly recommend it, if you like nature stuff. However, on this trip, we just drove by it. Our first stop, just south of Salt Lake City, was Draper--home of the only aquarium in Utah. Well, actually, I'm lying. We stopped for gas and to pee and stuff a couple times prior to that. But this was the first stop that I'm going to share photos of with you. It's a relatively small aquarium, but quite nice. It has fish. The South American area was the highlight--and was also itself an aviary. What do you think, Smisty? Good, right? We like mini golf. This was the one we researched ahead of time. It also has a proper golf course, driving range, and putting greens. But who cares? There are two 18-hole courses that both culminate in your balls being mummified. What? I like courses that have "rough" and "sand" areas. A nice course. We had fun. None of the water features were on yet, though. It's possible we should have waited a couple more weeks to make this trip. Spring hadn't really sprung in SLC yet. Leatherby's Ice Cream is a SLC institution, apparently. And it was good. We ended up going twice during our four day visit to the area. Saturday morning, we got up and walked across the street from our hotel. I will prepare myself mentally for not being entertained, thank you. Many parts of Lagoon are very pretty--I imagine even more so once things start to bloom. Lagoon has two old-school dark rides, and they're both extremely well-maintained. I don't think I'd ever been on a ride called "Roller Coaster" before. Lagoon has some issues, however. I was not prepared for the weird mix of "laid back family park" and "corporate park rule enforcement" that exists here. For example: Glasses, no problem. But bags and hats must be placed in lockers prior to entering the queue. Okay, fine. However, lockers either cost 75-cents (and there were no change machines) or they were free for a limited time but didn't work. One helpful employee suggested that we could just wait until it started working. This ride was closed in the morning. As you can easily tell if you walk all the way through the queue and up to the platform. We did ride it later, and I quite liked it. Misty thought Wicked was dull. Lagoon has a very casual approach to opening their rides in the morning. Of the four coasters in this area of the park, two were running by 10:30am and two still weren't. Again, we did ride it eventually, and quite liked it. I didn't much like the lines I had to wait in later, but hey. I'd always wanted to visit a park with this sort of old school chairlift-over-gardens midway arrangement. Obviously, Lagoon has expanded quite a lot, but it still has that. It also has a freakin' Rock-O-Plane! The Lagoon, I imagine. The back half of the park is largely made up of Pioneer Village, which was virtually abandoned for most of the day. But we thought it was great. The train goes around the lake and passed quite a few animal exhibits--most of which can't be viewed any other way. So the park doesn't really have a zoo section, so much as a zoo ride. Lots of walk-through buildings detailing frontier life. Quite well done, but of course the kids weren't interested in this area. And, believe me, there were a lot of kids in the park. In fact, there are a lot of kids in SLC, period. Like, 3 or 4 for every 2 adults. Is it time to talk about the Mormon thing, yet? No? Okay. This is my "no, I don't like trains particularly" stance. Which I have chosen to adopt in the train museum. Pioneer Village also contains the park's two water rides, which were running. However, it was still a bit cold. Also note in the previous photo (I know, I'm bad at this) that while the park seems to be strictly pay-one-price, and is entirely fenced in, the ride signs (even Cannibal) all list a cost in tickets. Also, you get your hand stamped when entering the park, and are asked to show that stamp at every single ride. I still can't figure it out. We asked several employees why they checked hand stamps, when you clearly had to buy full admission for park entry, but no one seemed to understand the question. Eventually, we gave up. Certainly, there are no individual tickets listed for sale anywhere. It's just weird. This is a photo of every single person on the ride at the time this photo was taken. Many parts of Lagoon are pretty, but some parts are just sort of "ghetto theme park." This area is both. They have Dole Whip. Also (and not pictured) a full-blown rip off of IOA's "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" ride, complete with imitation song. Not that I disapprove, mind you. I like the mushroom. That's not a drug reference. The tea cup ride had a very cool chandelier feature. Except for Pioneer Village, Lagoon doesn't really have individually themed areas. So sometime they just theme a ride to whatever they want and put it wherever, which is cool. At the ticketing windows up front, they listed one ride down for the day. It was not this ride, or any of the other rides that bore this sign. I didn't count, and I obviously would have gone into the park anyway. Still, it seems like bad form. And, yes, this is a generic sign that blames Europe for their problems. Me trying to be artsy. Cannibal opened last year, and has sort of a vaguely African theme. They could have called it anything, but they chose Cannibal. Which is, like Lagoon itself, both bafflingly stupid and incredibly awesome at the same time. This weird and elaborate set-up was, I think, designed to make people exit through the gift shop (though you could still go around that, so who knows?) Also, there were lockers, but they had all been disabled. Instead, four employees manned an elaborate station where guests placed their loose articles in plastic containers and were given a claim ticket for it. Even Cedar Point (literally, the most paranoid park I can think of) can sort out bins in (most of) their coaster stations. Like Lagoon itself...what? I'm not a huge fan of being held upside-down by a single restraint, which, were it to fail, would most certainly result in my unavoidable death. However, this ride is pretty great. The deliberate hang-time section just after the block brake is my least favorite part of it, but still. Also worth mentioning that this ride was designed and built largely in-house. What small parks do that anymore?! Ultimately, we enjoyed our visit to Lagoon. It's a good park, and well worth a visit if you're nearby. However, I didn't love the park, and I really wanted to. It has so much going for it, but it's just kind of...not quite amazing. For dinner, we went in search of a place in Farmington called Cherry Hill Pie Pantry, because that sounds amazing. However, despite its hours indicating that it should be open, it was closed. However, however, surprise mini golf! This, however, is a photo of a (dry) water slide. The whole place is an RV campground complex, or something...? This mini gold course didn't even come up in searches when I was standing on it. One 18-hole course, but pretty good. Inside the castle. An enclosed loop-de-loop. Great signage. Fun course. No pie. The original plan was to spend both Saturday and Sunday at Lagoon, but we'd pretty much done everything we wanted to by the end of Saturday, and we weren't as in love with the park as we'd hoped to be, so we opted to do other stuff on Sunday, instead. Misty is kind of a zoo enthusiast. I think this is our ninth proper zoo now? Like the aquarium, it wasn't particularly large, but it was quite good. Hogle Zoo doesn't mess around. When you walk in, you're not greeted by flamingos or alligators or something. No, this place is like, blam, giraffes! Zebras! Now Lions! Elephants! Go, go, go! Pretty much every zoo we've been to has had some really nice new sections, and some old crappy concrete sections. Not this one. Pretty much everything felt new and up-to-date. So much so that I actually looked it up to see when this zoo first opened. 1931. Best. Zoo. Ever. Don't eat too much, Smisty! You don't want to gain weight! See? I told you! The name of that restaurant was The Beastro, by the way. Man, I am so bad at this. Huffalumps. No indication that it would, but this did open later. And what a weird collection of animals on it. A praying mantis? Two snakes on a log? Sea lion. I'm just trying to generate responses, man. Grizzly bear. Not a photo from the aquarium that I accidentally put in the wrong place. Actually, the "small animal house" was the one thing at the Hogle Zoo that felt a bit dated. Still, a great zoo. The train had two sections. First it goes around the Savannah area, then it goes off on a weird "Rivers of America" type thing. Well worth the $2 upcharge to ride it, though. Zoo was good. How about a garden? They were having a special orchid show. All I know about orchids is that Hugo Drax must be stopped. But it won't be easy. Again, this place was really nice. But it'll probably be freaking amazing once SLC decides to join the rest of us here in Springtime. The map makes it look more intimidating than it really is. Sometimes I take okay photos. This one is for all you camouflage enthusiasts out there. If that comment confused you, look closer. There's actually a woman in this photo! Red Butte Gardens And right next door, Utah's Natural History Museum, why not? I was a little disappointed. I was hoping for some creationist stuff. The joke's on me, though, as a bit of post-visit research reveals that the Church of Latter-day Saints has no official position on evolution. Utah is actually quite famous for dinosaur fossils. That's not a joke. I'm all for Native American stuff. But is it really, "Natural History"? It is? Okay. Nice view of the city from here. This is as good a place to mention that Salt Lakers are a bit stand-offish. Not rude, exactly. But not friendly, either. Or, at least, they tend not to engage first. Eh, it's a museum. I'd wanted to check out a place called Chedda Burger for dinner. But, like so much of Salt Lake City, it's closed on Sundays. Luckilly, Lucky 13 was not. probably because it's pretty much a bar. But whatever, the burgers were amazing. Our home away from the hotel in Farmington quickly became Harmons Grocery Store. It has two stories and a gourmet salt section...? Monday was our last full day in Utah, and we wanted to see the Great Salt Lake. I guess I'd just assumed it would be a presence in Salt Lake City, but not really. Anyway, this is Antelope Island, accessible from the mainland via causeway. At one point, many of the LDS church leaders kept their animals on this island. Bison are doing quite well here. Some have even started to learn the art of camouflage. Demonstration ranch. Proceeds from which once went to the Perpetual Emigration Fund, which helped pay the way for new Mormon coverts to move to Utah. I learned a lot about Mormons on my trip to Salt Lake City. F-off, all you unimportant birds! Unimportant bugs who tried to get into our car the hard way. Downtown Salt Lake City is amazing. Of all the downtown areas I've been to, this one seems the most vital and of-a-piece with its city. What's not amazing, though, are the street names here. See, they don't really have them. And when they do, they're not actually real. (No, seriously, most actual street names here are honorary, and cannot by law appear on maps.) Instead streets are numbered in the style of longitude and latitude. Which might be pretty cool if you lived here and had mastered it, but ain't no damn good if you're a tourist. "Misty, where do I turn?" "Um...East 11600 South." "Excuse me?" "It should be here." "The signs says, 'Stevens.'" Right across from the true center of town--we'll get to that in a minute--is a giants indoor/outdoor shopping mall with underground parking called City Creek Center. Farr's is the other big deal local ice cream brand here. It was good, but Leatherby's was better. We weren't originally going to visit Temple Square or any of the "Mormon stuff." But, it quickly became apparent that so much of the character of Salt Lake City comes from that, that to skip over it would almost be not to see the city. So, I'm just going to lay it out here. We're atheists. So I think all religion is misguided foolishness, at best. Having said that, the Mormons aren't MORE crazy than anyone else. If anything, in my view, a lot of their beliefs make perfect sense--if you already believe the basics of Christianity. So, there you go, Mormons. Some faint praise from an atheist. Enjoy. Temple Square is the most visited tourist attraction in Utah, with more annual visitors than all of their many national parks combined. There are two separate visitor centers, the tabernacle, some administration buildings, a couple of restaurants, lots of gardens, statues, and fountains, and of course the Temple itself. There are also plenty of missionaries stalking the grounds, eager to proselytize unwary visitors. But, hey, you came to them--so you can't really complain, now can you? So, under fundamentalist Mormonism (and not currently endorsed by the modern Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), Adam and God are actually the same person...? In a nutshell, Mormons believe in the regular Christian bible, plus some extra stuff that came from their founder, Joseph Smith (or I guess, from God to Joseph Smith, if you're of a mind). For the most part, this "extra stuff" isn't particularly incompatible or even really all the different from the normal Christian stuff in terms of what it asks of its followers. Where it's a bit out there is in that it states that a tribe of Jews came to the Americas before Christ's birth, and that Christ appeared before them shortly after his resurrection. See? Trip reports can be educational. Unless you're a Mormon, in which case it's likely that all you've learned is that I'm going to Hell. Psych! Mormons don't believe in Hell! Okay, I'll stop. This is the Assembly Hall. Looks like a church to me. A pretty one, too. Misty says this one is better looking than the Temple. A model of the inside, since tourists are (not unreasonably) not allowed in the Temple. It's hard to see in this photo, but my favorite bit is the oxen. This is the angel Moroni, which no one had heard of before Joseph Smith started talking about him. (What? That's pretty neutral!) This is where God is buried. Okay, that was wrong of me. I actually don't have any idea what it is, but I like the photo. The Lion House is a restaurant. But it was once the home of Brigham Young, the second president of the church, the guy who led the Mormons to Utah, and the one who started the whole polygamy thing. Essentially, "Fundamentalist Mormons" still follow the policies and teachings of Brigham Young, while the modern church has moved away from (or, in some cases, rejected) them. One last shot of Salt Lake Temple. I'm glad we ended up visiting Temple Square--not so much because I wanted to make fun, but because it's legitimately interesting (to me) and quite pretty. Thank for reading about our trip to Salt Lake City, and I apologize to anyone that Misty may have offended!

So happy to see that there weren't three photos of me standing around looking derpy! Oh, wait....