Electerik

We absolutely never would have seen this ride if someone hadn't posted about it in the group chat. Even actively looking for it, it was tough to find!

We were originally going to visit the aquarium on day 5, but doing the math on our 4-day rail pass and the fact that the aquarium was kind of down near the airport, we decided to move it up to day 3. Is that an interesting introduction? No. But it's the best I've got and I already showed you the whiteboard plan, which this varies from. Which makes this is an absolutely necessary explanation if you're paying a frankly disturbing amount of attention to this trip report. 03: Copenhagen's Most Instagrammable Courtyards Aquariums are like zoos but with air conditioning. They're also mind-bending human hubris. We want to look at these fish but on land and not dead. Hey, I know, let's building a big tank full of ocean a thousand miles inland! Actually, the ocean is right outside of the National Aquarium Denmark. Except they call it the Baltic Sea for some reason. I guess because people didn't realize how far it stretched when they first named it? Common Octopus I'm not being judgmental, the person that named it is. You're special to me, dude. This was supposed to be a photo of undersea plant life. Sorry about the fish in the way. Love an aquarium tunnel. Speaking of human hubris. Looking at food all morning makes me hungry. See, because you can eat fish. And we were looking at fish all morning. Is the joke there. As far as Misty could get from me whilst still technically being at the aquarium. Because of the joke from the previous photo. Is the joke there. She was unhappy with it. So she went over there. To get away from me. But the joke's on her, because she'll never find me now! Damn gravity. Near the aquarium. At first I thought they were little hotel cabins. But nope. Saunas. And we're not even in Finland yet. One of Copenhagen's most instagrammable benches! And now off to the University of Copenhagen Botanical Garden. Leave it to Smisty to take a photo that looks like a renaissance painting. And hey, you can climb stairs to an upper walkway around this green house! On an 80+ degree day. I did not think this through. Honestly, the botanical garden was just okay. A lot of the grounds were blocked off for construction also, so that probably didn't help much. Still better than the associated Natural History Museum though. It's a real combo ticket of yawn! Also, this building not only doesn't have air conditioning, it doesn't even have bathrooms...? So that's weird. What it does have is a large exhibition of award-winning photographs. Which maybe sounds interesting for a second, if you've never been on the internet or heard of magazines. In the gift shop, you can buy rocks. Okay, so for those of you planning a trip to Copenhagen, I hope this has been helpful. As a pallet cleanser, we strolled casually through the King's Garden. (Which should really be renamed the Peoples' Garden, I should think.) The Round Tower was probably my favorite attraction in Copenhagen. (Other than Tivoli Gardens, of course.) Mostly just because it was so weird and interesting. So, basically, instead of stairs, the inside is a big circular ramp, so that horses and carts could travel up it, in order to move big heavy telescopes and such. That's right, it was an observatory. And then there's this adjacent connected building with a church and some other stuff that really messes with your sense of scale as you climb up this "tower." Hey, where are those people going? Oh, to look up and down the hollow core of the tower. Where they've now conveniently installed plexiglass to prevent anyone else from plunging to their death. Nice. Wait, but there are stairs now. Harrumph. Caged Copenhagen. To go up the last little bit, and back down, there's a one-way only staircase with "traffic lights" on a timer. And that works...? It would not work in America. Like, at all. There's also a "one person at a time" set of stairs that goes up just a little higher so that you can get a look at the observatory itself. But my picture of it was kind of meh, so let's just pretend that room doesn't exist. A big history exhibit/classroom/gift shop that's above the church...? Even though the church has a vaulted ceiling, I think? I don't know, this building makes no sense to me. I love it though. Having said that...how is this their magnet? Like, did the photographer miss, and they just went, "Well, can't take it again. Just a one use camera, I reckon. What can you do?" Seriously, this is shite. Okay, I'm good now. My first proper old fashioned Danish ice cream cone. No. Nyhavn. Which is Danish for "Gentrified Amsterdam." Angry signage is the best signage. Why? Because they weren't just angry, they stayed angry. They come in every day, and see this signage they put up, and go, "Yep, perfect." Still Nyhavn, I guess? Or at the very least, still Copenhagen. Okay, that's it for day 3. And while Chuck and Bert are ahead of me in Denmark with their trip reports, we're about to jump to Sweden! Ta-ta!

Yeah, the figure is situated in a way that kind of makes it seem like it's part of Deamonen's entrance.

What's there to do in Copenhagen? Lots of stuff! And we did some of it! 02: Drunk Elephants with Regret See? I really went to a zoo. And how can you tell it's in Denmark? I don't know, the trees or something? Well, you can certainly tell that it's not in America. "Am I boring you, ma'am?" What's you favorite dinosaur? Mine is the brontosaurus, but I don't need to explain myself to you. Not our dino. "Hey, um, could we get a fence or something here? Humans are scary." The Danish word for lion is love. So, yeah, if you're looking for love, maybe try a Danish zoo. Bistro PanPan allows you to enjoy some pretty tasty Asian fare whilst desperately searching the abutting enclosure for some sign of a panda. No really, there's one in there. If you can't see it, it's only because you're not looking hard enough. It's not the photographer's fault. I'd include a photo of the tunnel that goes under the road and over to the giraffes and such, but that would be exactly as interesting as it sounds. Elderly black bear, or world's dirtiest polar bear? You decide! One of the most interesting things about the Copenhagen Zoo is that it contains a 142-foot tall wooden observation tower (as seen here from an aviary). And you can climb it via these luxurious stairs! Pretty nice view of Copenhagen from up here. Maybe we'll just sit down and enjoy the view for a minute. Sorry for my use of the very American "minute." For you Europeans, that translates into roughly 15 "kvaksalvere." Okay, off to the next thing.... Cisternerne is a former underground reservoir now used as a art space. Every year the old exhibition comes out and a new one is installed. Honestly, just the space itself is super cool. And yes, obviously, a bit creepy. I wasn't terribly impressed by the art part of it, though. Looking online at some of the previous years doesn't do much to change my mind either. Still worthwhile though. A quiet Copenhagen street where a Dane might live. That's what they call themselves, Danes. Actually, I don't know for sure that that's true. Maybe it's just what English-speaking people call them. Okay, I looked it up. They call themselves "danskere." Might be a good time to mention that many, many Danes speak fluent English, and just what an embarrassing and humbling gift it is that so much of Europe speaks my home language while requiring me to learn basically nothing. An unquiet Copenhagen street where a Dane might party. Hooray, Smisty's beloved Swedish burger chain has made it to Denmark! Do I like Max Burger because it's actually better than, say, McDonald's, or just because it's more exotic (from my perspective)? Yes. Is this interesting? I can't tell. The Carlsberg (yes, the brewing company) Elephant Gate and Tower. "Larry, when I said we should all get tattoos, I meant like bamboo or something. What the hell, man?" (To be fair, this was way less weird when it was built back in 1901.) Let's end today with something a little more Normal. Yes, there will be more of this nonsense. In fact, we're just getting started.

Hej! Erik & Smisty here. You may remember us from such trip reports as Erik & Smisty & TPR do Holland, Poland, and Swedeland and Erik & Smisty & TPR do Germany, Belgium, and France. Well, it's time to complete the trilogy! To make it easier on myself this time, I'm going to break this up into much smaller parts than those previous ones. In fact, I'm basically just going to post one day at a time. So let's get started with a nice short Day 1, in which we left Seattle at 11:57am on Tuesday, 5/30/23 and arrived in Copenhagen at 11:40am on Wednesday, 5/31/23. Right, so this is Day 2 actually. Or, um, Days 1 & 2? Whatever, it doesn't matter. Lazy Links 01: Fragile Days 02: Drunk Elephants with Regret 03: Copenhagen's Most Instagrammable Courtyards 04: Enjoying Penis 05: Down This Toilet 06: Authentic Taco Toast 07: The Flying Trunk 08: Braking off the Chain 09: Frog Frog Frog 10: My Sense of Your Sense of Language 11: Hammer & Sword 12: Hooked on Fønix 13: Today in the Dog 14: Norway Jose 15: You Can't Put Shoes on a Shark 16: Godiscupcake 17: How You Do Anything Is How You Do Everything 18: Science Gun 19: Another Way to Stimulate Lions 20: Blue Train 21: Delicious Nut Cheese 22: The Happiest People in the World 23: Mixed Blueberry Feelings 24: Born To Boom 25: Sampo Circus 26: Cork Is Sorry 01: Fragile Days Yes, we begin at the world famous Tivoli Gardens where we've apparently stumbled onto some sort of race. But no, that's not where we start! We start with planning. Endless, endless planning. Because that's who we are. And then of course there's the flight. During which your boy turned on the charm in order to score himself two desserts. Or maybe I just stole Smisty's. It's hard to remember. Then a quick train ride from the airport and a short walk to the hotel for a nap. Then we wandered through the streets of Copenhagen. And then to Tivoli Gardens! But mostly just to look around, soak in the atmosphere, and get some food. Rides will happen later, with TPR. But first we have like four days to do Erik & Smisty things. Coming soon! Or, you know, soon-ish-ly. Fine. Eventually. Look, it'll happen when it happens, okay? Next up, Day 2! Or, um, 3, depending on how you count.

I believe you mean "Taco Toast."

Nothing gets me hyped like a video of a logo!

They're both the worst/most haunted room in the Overlook Hotel in The Shining. 217 in the book, 237 in the movie.

Honestly, I was surprised it was still there on my last visit (December 2022). I much preferred the first version, though it admittedly made no sense story-wise. Really cool to have such an elaborate walk-through exist in the park, but the inside never really lived up to the outside.

I feel like you probably would've remembered it. It was really good! If it makes you feel any better, we didn't ride Torrne 2 Zeus!

Pretty sure you imagined that. There wasn't a proper dark ride that I could find. There was a mostly outdoor boat ride with scenes, a car ride with scenes, a walk through about the comic strip, and a mad house. The castle was one end of a short indoor section with shops that seemed like it used to have more stuff in it and maybe was once a more important part of the park. At least, that's how I remember it. Of course, we were in pretty bad shape by then, and left early. Still thought this park was pretty cool. I wonder how much more I would've liked it if I wasn't exhausted and unwell at that point.

Personalty, I prefer Mako to VelociCoaster. I'm sure I'm in the minority on that, but yeah SeaWorld.

Me! It disappointed me!

I submit to you that I am not "slow," but rather a master of suspense. Anyway, here it is, the fourth and final installment of our 2022 trip to Europe, in which I mostly complain about Disney. So enjoy that. And, also, there are people who started 2019 trip reports that still haven't finished them, so cram it. Nah, I'm just joshin' ya'. I love you guys! Part 4: America in France Welcome to Parc Asterix, a place I honestly knew very little about going in. In fact, I pretty much just knew they had Tonnerre de Zeus and Goudurix and that the park was themed around a French newspaper cartoon. When I heard you could ride an ass on their carousel, this isn't quite what I'd pictured. This park is actually pretty great. I really liked it. Yes, that's my caption. I'm already out of jokes. I don't remember the names of any of these rides, but I'm definitely counting them both as credits. By which I mean I'm giving the park credit for having a dark ride, even though it doesn't really have one, strictly speaking. This boat ride works, though. Actually, most of the ride names in this park seem a bit unimaginative, even in French, mostly being variations of "Caesar's Spinning Thing" or somesuch. We interrupt this trip report to insert a random photo of Montu. Actually, I liked this better than Montu. And quite a lot better than Black Mamba. You should know by now the kind of trickery I engage in when putting these trip reports together. This is a restaurant, and the next photo is of food. And yet...! ...this food is not from that restaurant! In fact, I'm not even sure what this food is. Pizza? Or like quiche? We'll just go with quiche pizza. I love these kinds of car rides. But while I do usually enjoy them, I am also frequently just a little bit disappointed that there isn't more to them. But not in this case. This thing was great. Scenery, animatronics, buildings you go through with scenery and animatronics. This might just be my new favorite car ride and I had no idea this park even had a car ride. In fact, I liked it so much I'm going to go look up the name of it! Hang on. "Nationale 7" Right. I did mention that the ride names were largely kind of bland, didn't I? The ride isn't bland though. I just put "Nationale 7" through google translate and it shocking didn't come back as "driving past old people having sex in a barn." You've seen this photo, right? Or a version of it? Well, just in case you haven't, here you go. The park has a couple of these indoor areas that feel mostly abandoned. Which is a shame because they're really cool even without the shops, restaurants, and little attractions that look like used to exist within them. Goudurix is the one clear exception to the bland ride name rule, apparently translating as "the taste of danger." It's reputation, as I'm sure you're aware, is that it's maybe the most painful coaster in existence. It was closed most of the day, apparently for mechanical problems. Actually, it may have been closed all day. I have no idea. I never intended to ride it. We also didn't ride Tonnerre 2 Zeus, but did intend to. It just kind of ended up being later in the day for us, and right after we got it line, it went down. It probably reopened, but we never made it back. It may seem strange to hear me be so blasé about it, but as awesome as these trips are, they can also sort of end up being like a Brazilian steakhouse. Yes, all this food is amazing and I'm paying the same amount regardless and I really would like to try this cut of meat because I've never had it before but also I'm about to fall asleep and I'm currently covered in bruises and you expect me to backtrack to ride something that may or may not be open by the time I get there? I think I'll just head to the hotel and take a nap, thanks. You get the idea, I'm sure. We never skip a water cups ride, though. The park didn't even make them do this! This was the trip of madhouses and we rode all of them. This was the best, as the story involved some sort of experimental medieval submarine being attached by a giant octopus. (Maybe...? I mean, it was in French and I don't speak French, so I may have misunderstood some of the finer details. It was great though. ) Yeah, Parc Asterix was quite good. Thus endeth the last official park of the trip, but this report is just getting started! Yeah, sorry, there's a whole bunch more. Back in Paris, where cars rule and there are no rules for cars. One of those famous Parisian street cafes you're always hearing about. We're pretty big zoo and aquarium fans, so we wanted to check out Paris's zoo. And...it was fine, but I'm just about ready to add zoos to the short list of things the US is better at (along with airports and desserts). Still, it's always fun to look at long-necked horsies. Chubby sea lions. Sometimes people are in the way of your photo, and sometime people make your photo. The Biozone Amazonie-Guyane. Or for those of you that don't speak French, the Amazonia-Guyana Biozone. You're welcome. Statement. Maximum security. Reserved for large cats that have repeatedly escaped. It's a perfectly pleasant zoo, but probably doesn't need to be super high up on most peoples' list of places to visit in Paris. Disneyland Paris! Okay, here we go. I'll try not to belabor the point, but I'm not a huge Disney fan. I used to be. I grew up with Disneyland and loved it. But I got older and Disney and I grew apart. Maybe the best way to explain where I'm at now is this: I love Disney's rides--especially the classic older ones--but I hate what I have to do to get to them. Which is to say, I dislike the Disney park "experience." Still, we elected to visit Disneyland Paris because we'd never been and we wanted to see it. And we stacked the deck to give us every advantage we could, staying at an on-property hotel and buying their best/most expensive fast pass option. Did this help? Yes, it dulled the Disney negatives a bit. So success. But...yeah, it didn't really change my mind about Disney parks overall. Sleeping Beauty's castle is quite nice, both inside and out. Hey, it's a famously unique-to-Disneyland-Paris thing! Just a quick visit that first night, and then we went to the Rainforest Cafe. Why? I don't know, man. Because it was funny...? Our first full day at Disneyland Paris began with the second gate, Walt Disney Studios Paris. Gross. This area is nice, though. I enjoyed the 3 little flat rides and the fun theming. Doesn't really look like a Disney ride, does it? These cuddle up whip things are always fun. Several cars out of commission for first thing in the morning at a park that should be able to afford the very best maintenance, though. Hey, I'm just saying. A bold choice to include a map of a better area at a better park. Crush's Coaster is the big unique ride at this park, and it's fun. But it is mostly just a spinning coaster in a box, and its wait times are intense. Of course, we had the pay fast passes, which still resulted in around a 20 minute wait. Which is not a complaint. Well, actually it is. But I'm not complaining about waiting 20 minutes after buying a fast pass. No, I get that. I'm complaining about Disney deliberately putting in a low capacity ride, knowing full well what kind of lines it would generate, when they could easily have created something similar or better with much better capacity by spending a bit more money that they obviously had. But they went cheap because they knew they could get away with it and pass that misery onto you. And yes, I already knew all of this when I decided to go. But this is why I no longer go to Disney parks very often. Also note that staying on-site gave us 60 minutes of early access. But also note that you can't use your pay fast passes during that hour, and (especially at Disneyland Paris) many of the smaller rides aren't open during that hour. It's just like, a bunch of weird math pop quizzes to negotiate at every turn. I suspect that big Disney Park fans like the challenge. They're like couponers. They just really enjoy feeling like they outsmarted the system. Like people dropping $100 into slot machines in Vegas while patting themselves on the back that they got two free drinks. Okay, okay. I'm okay. Deep breathes. I can do this. Keep positive. The best ride at Walt Disney Studios Paris, at least in my opinion, is not exactly unique. But I don't care. I'm always down to ride Tower of Terror. I don't even care that it's the "lesser" version without the 5th dimension scene. It's still great. Interestingly enough, what really makes this one unique, is the strange focus on the little girl character. Do French people find little girls especially creepy or something? Is that a cultural thing? It's the same characters from the Orlando and original California versions, but the little girl becomes the centerpiece of almost ever scene in a way I found really weird and highly amusing. We experienced a breakdown about halfway through the cycle, sat for a few minutes, got cycled off, and were then given a proper full ride, so that was fun and interesting. (Not sarcasm, for clarity. I just don't know how to say it in a way that doesn't sound sarcastic. To be honest, I don't really know how to say anything that doesn't sound sarcastic. It's just who I am.) Ratatouille is a solid trackless dark ride that of course now also exists at Epcot. I quite liked it, but I have the same minor complaint that I had about Mouse au Chocolat at Phantasialand--which is that the 3-D glasses make the real non-screen scenery look a bit muddled, which is a shame because that all looks quite good if you take the glasses off. But then of course you need them on for the 3-D screens. Next door is the wonderfully themed and beautiful Bistrot Chez Rémy. The food is pretty good also, but really I'm recommending it for the decor. And by "recommend it," I mean make sure you make reservations 2 months in advance or resign yourself to waiting in long lines to eat at a cart because this is a Disney park. Their disaster canyon tram ride has been rethemed to Cars Road Trip. It's pretty weak, but at least it has amazing capacity, so you shouldn't need to wait long. Back to our soulless hotel, the Cheyenne. This is themed to Woody from Toy Story. But also kind of not...? I assume they're trying to appeal to both children and adults by being both Toy Story but also just generic old west...? It did the job and it was close enough to the parks, so yeah, pretty good. This is outside the nearby Hotel Santa Fe, which is similarly kind-of-themed to Cars. You probably know that Walt Disney Studios Paris is a bit lacking in terms of number of attractions. But what you might not know is that Disneyland Paris is similarly afflicted--perhaps not compared to its second gate, but certainly when compared to Disneyland or even Magic Kingdom. Main Street has two side "hallways" that run the length of it, creating more footpath to get in and out from the entrance to the hub. No doubt hugely beneficial during parades and such. I'm for it, but one amusing thing is that Disney lists these pathways as attractions on the park map, and the symbol it uses for attractions is a little coaster car--creating the hilarious implication that Disney considers this hallway to be a roller-coaster. Buzz Lightyear's Laser Rangers or whatever is fine and fun and pretty much the same (other than being in French, of course). I was told I got the highest score in the park's history. Which makes sense. Autopia is fun. It's interesting to think that when I was a kid the entire point seemed to be to run into the car in front of you. But then again kids are jerks. Kids, but not jerks. (Unless you own Disney stock. Then you probably think we're jerks.) The Nautilus was closed during the 3 or 4 days we were around. As was 'it's a small world,' the Disneyland Railroad, Mickey's PhilharMagic, Swiss Family Treehouse, the Pirate Galleon, and probably some other minor stuff that I've forgotten. But, hey, what do you expect when you visit in July? Here's a shot of Star Wars Hyperspace Mountain broken down. We did ride it a bit later and it didn't hurt me too bad but also isn't something I ever need to ride again. That probably says more about me than Disney, though. Smisty built her own droid in the Star Tours gift shop. Pretty much just a red R2-D2 with a sombrero. So basically the greatest droid ever. The best Pixar movie. A little snack stand in Fantasyland. So why include a photo of it? Because they had bitterballen! Storybooklandcanalboats. Casey Jr. goes over the stone bridge. I like that these are here. Another unique-to-Disneyland Paris thing is Alice's Curious Labyrinth. I was a bit worried about how this would work capacity-wise, but it wasn't too crowded when we went. Maybe it's just not that popular. I enjoyed it, though. Almost an observation tower! You know how I mentioned that Disneyland Paris feels pretty light attractions-wise? Well, it's in Adventureland and Frontierland that you really feel it. Adventureland has an Indiana Jones coaster and Pirates, and Frontierland has Big Thunder and Phantom Manor. There is a handful of other small attractions (most of which were closed while we were there), but what there isn't is: Splash Mountain, Winnie the Pooh, Country Bear Jamboree, Enchanted Tiki Room, and/or Jungle Cruise. Interestingly, this means that there are no rides at the resort that get guests wet. But I guess you can just go to Parc Asterix for that. And also to have fun. Zing! Okay, okay. You can probably guess how I feel about this. Pirates of the Caribbean is legitimately interesting. It pretty much has all the same scenes as the one at Disneyland, but in a completely different order. Which is fascinating if you're super familiar with Disneyland's but have never been on this one. Featuring Johnny Depp speaking French! Looks cool. Closed. This was open, though. Love a rope bridge. Or a bouncy bridge. Any kind of bridge really. If Disneyland Paris was one big bridge, I'd probably be singing a very different tune, is what I'm saying. Most people say this is the best Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. And I don't know, maybe. The tunnels between the station and the island are cool, no doubt, but this one felt a big rougher than the others I've ridden. Lots of push/pull. Maybe I just caught it on a bad day or whatever. Phantom Manor might've been the highlight of the resort for me. I'm not saying it's better than Disneyland or Magic Kingdom's Haunted Mansions. They're all sort of dynamically equal to me. But this one has lots and lots of unique elements that I really enjoyed, and I'm really happy I got to ride it a few times, because it's really good and also super interesting if you've been on the other ones a bunch of times. I almost want to say I like this one the best...but there are a couple of things missing that I miss. Oh, what the heck, I'll give Disneyland Paris this one. Sign me up as happy haunt #100! Ah. Okay, sorry for being such a Disney hater. But, but, but...I really did enjoy the rides! Especially Tower of Terror; Ratatouille; Pirates of the Caribbean; Snow White, Pinocchio, and Peter Pan in Fantasyland--which I didn't mention but did ride; Buzz Lightyear; Star Tours; and Autopia. Crush's Coaster was fun, and all the little Toy Story rides were good. They're all just hard to get to. And I don't just mean because they're in France. Delta One both ways, not because I'm rich but because I'm too old to prioritize money over comfort at this point. Bonus points for anyone who can identify the movie onscreen. That's it! Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for my visit to Walt Disney World next month!

Part 3: Exotic Belgium The third part of our story begins in at Walibi Belgium, with this vaguely W-shaped flower display. But actually that's a lie, because our story really begins with Smisty eating escargot from a vendor at a random Belgium street fair down the road from our hotel and then riding a couple of questionably maintained and operated spinning rides with Bert and Goldballs. Summoning all of my courage, I bravely stood by and watched. Loup-Garou, like Anaconda at Walygator, was a wooden coaster with a bad reputation that was actually pretty good. This one wasn't quite as smooth, but did have a bit of airtime--a trade off that was well worth it, in my opinion. Tiki-Waka was a very pretty Gerstlauer Bobsled that interacts quite nicely with the surrounding Polynesian-themed area. Smooth and fun, if not particularly forceful. Just a really nice family coaster. Smisty likes two things: octopuses and spinning. Whereas if I encountered either of those things in a dark alley, I would curl into a ball and pray for a quick death. No, I'm just kidding. I would try to run a bit first. In addition to some nicely themed areas, Walibi Belgium features two shooting dark rides, both of which were really good. This one is Challenge of Tutankhamon, a Sally Dark Ride that really shows what Sally is capable of with a decent budget. Easily the best Sally Dark Ride I've been on, with very complete theming and some really cool effects. Calamity Mine is a Vekoma Mine Train Coaster that was...okay. The most interesting thing about this one is the side by side lift hills. It's worth mentioning the park was absolutely jammed with school kids, resulting in very long queues for the thrill rides. But we had the highest level paid fastpass at every park that offered it, and that absolutely saved us here. A gift shop in the park's old west section. What, you don't want to know what the gift shop looks like? Then go read someone else's report! Oh...I'm the only one doing one this time. Well, then, learn to like gift shop photos, I guess. For a (former) Six Flags, it's quite pleasant-looking here. The building left of center is the park's mad house. We went on a lot of these this trip. Which is cool, because they're fun. This one was themed to a djinn or something...I think. It's kind of hard to keep them straight at this point. I don't know much, but I do know one thing: If your Karma World has a Boomerang in it, you were a very bad person in a previous life. By Grabthar's hammer, what a savings. Apparently the highlight of the park. Isn't this supposed to be a whole checklist worth of rides? No? Just the rapids ride? Okay. Welp, I didn't ride it, so I guess I've still never been to Walibi Belgium. The park's other shooting dark ride, the weirdly/awesomely themed Popcorn Revenge. This one was built by, um...Alterface. Alterface? That's the name of the company? Alterface. On their website, 'Alterface' describe this as an "erratic ride." *looks around* Is this a prank? There are like 500 spoof movie posters in this rides queue and along the exit path and they are all exactly this good. The vehicles enter and exit the station facing backwards, for no discernible reason. The ride itself is quite enjoyable, and seems like it doesn't take up much space (since you're just moving from screen to screen to shoot at different genres of popcorn creature). I'll take "What do Belgians think Mexican food is?" for $500, Alex. Well, I guess not Alex. Ken or Mayim now. Unless you're reading this far enough into the future that there's a different host now. I'll take "What do Belgians think Mexican food is?" for $500, Undead Cyborg Alex. The best thing about Pulsar, operationally-speaking, is that it can run two boats via a turntable. As demonstrated here on the busiest day in the history of visiting-children-who-enjoy-thrilling-water-rides ever by its running of one boat. Such a weirdly cool ride. I could watch this splashdown area empty into and then refill with water from the lake all day. Just a fun car ride not themed to speed dating, much like its counterpart at Walibi Holland which is also not themed to speed dating. Smisty says I just can't let that go. And she's right. I don't even want to. It's called Vampire because it'll make your neck bleed! It's called Vampire because... Nope, I just had that one. I was trying to take a selfie with this cool ladybug that landed on me but instead I got a weird twilight zone photo of what I'll look like when I need to carry around an oxygen tank with me everywhere I go. Did I mention that the park was busy? This log flume is themed to...uh...tunnels with Christmas tree lights? Steam punk but without steam or punk? Like, colorful retro-future farming? Boxes? It's called "Flash Back" if that helps. It's a European log flume. Enjoyable enough, but...I wonder if people in Europe just think log flumes are all the same everywhere else in the world too? Like, they come to America and they see a log flume but they skip it because they've been on log flumes before? That makes me sad. The bright new star of the park, Kondaa. Did I like it? Yes, I did. The restraints weren't great for me, but they were good enough. As for the layout, well, I liked the first three hills a lot. The "non-inverting cobra roll" kind of seemed like a waste of track, though. It doesn't even really work as a turnaround because it's not at the end of an out-and-back section but kind of off to the side. But, it's fine. Really, the whole middle third feels kind of like they didn't really know what to do here. They had a clear idea for the magic carpet "this is what RMC does, right?" finale, though. And it's...interesting? Man, it sounds like I hate this ride. But I actually really enjoyed it. The nearest analog, that I've been on, would probably be Hyperion (though the seating arrangement is quite different). And I prefer Hyperion. Um...anyway, Kondaa is good! This is the best photo I took of Kondaa and now I feel like I need to do a whole explanation of why there was only one person riding it. But I don't feel like it, so just make something up that works for you. Next park: Plopsaland De Panne! Not really a great sounding name to a native English speaker, but I guess that's my problem, not theirs. So, like, if you live in Belgium, and you have a baby, do you need to cross reference whatever name you're thinking about giving it with every surrounding language? Like, this sounds great in French, but does it mean something bad in Flemish? How about German? English? Danish? Oh, it means "bumpy ears" in Polish? That's unfortunate. Seems like a real burden. In America, we'd just name it Dylan or whatever and never care that it means "bad at sex" in Norwegian. From Kondaa to Ride to Happiness by Tomorrowland! I enjoyed this more than I thought I might. It was fun! The slow roll out of the station is a gimmick I could do without, though. Especially as I suspect that it's the reason they won't let you wear glasses on the ride even with a strap. Which brings up a bigger issue for me. Like, I kind of don't like that they keep making more and more extreme rides but then you can't really enjoy them because the safety features need to be equally extreme. Like, I'd rather just ride Wodan, you know? I guess this is really just my RMC complaint put in a broader context, isn't it? Smisty was disappointed that it didn't spin more! Heidi The Ride is a lot like White Lightning at Fun Spot in Orlando. Except that I remember that having airtime...? It's been a few years, so maybe I'm wrong. This one has the benefit of a small scene at the end. (Calling it a dark ride section would be too much, but I'll take it regardless.) Not a fan of staggered openings. They just really punish the planners. And then it had technical problems and still didn't open at it's "posted at the ride" opening time. So we gave up. The dinosaur theming looks cool, though. Pretty sure Plopsaland and Holiday Park are are part of the same company. Because both parks have nearly identical cartoon Viking areas (as well as very similar indoor kids ride sections). An all-dessert restaurant? Best park ever. Oh. It's closed all day. Worst park ever. Anubis has a cool station building. And a queue you could live in! Smisty's description of the ride: "Average." Okay, so you know how Knott's started as a berry stand? Well, Plopsaland started as a honey stand. (In case it's not clear, that's not a dumb Erik joke. It is factual.) What's the best ride at Plopsaland? Het Bos van Plop! Or, you know, Ride to Happiness. But this indoor boat ride dark ride through a weird puppet village is pretty great. Is Plopsaland boring you, Ma'am? While I'll never forgive them for that dessert restaurant thing being closed, these are the best Dunkin' Donuts flavors I've ever seen or eaten or stuck parts of my body into. My fingers, you freaks. Maybe a little tongue. I am not the problem. Indoor kids rides. And a bee character. Because honey. Or it's a coincidence. I think this bee character was at Holiday Park also. This food item had a name. I like when I don't have to write jokes. Plopsaland De Panne was okay. We had fun. In the grand scheme of things, though, it was probably one of the less good parks we visited. I mean, that's how it works, right? There has to be a best park of the trip (*cough* Europa) and there has to be a least best park of the trip (spoilers!) It's like that song, "Walking in Belgium." That's a real song, right? No, I don't know what she's doing. Belgian stuff. Our lovely homey hotel in De Panne. Fun fact, this part of Belgium mostly speaks Flemish (which is really just Dutch). Whereas Wavre (where Walibi is) mostly speaks French. But, of course, most people speak multiple languages because Europe is better than America. This was supposed to be our hotel, but none of the men could find it. I insist that this is the best caption I've ever written. De Panne is a seaside resort town. I probably should've started with that information. Well, too late now. We're moving on. I will never spell the name of this park correctly. We start with two of their most interesting rides: Hurican (a mostly indoor dark ride/family coaster) and El Volador (one of the last remaining Huss Topple Towers). Hurican was fun. Again, a family coaster, but a nice dark ride section full of Aztec temple stuff and big stone faces (like the one above) followed by a short outdoor section (you can see all of it in the previous photo) and finally a dark-ish "coaster in a box" section. In general, Bellwardeeee's coaster lineup is very family-friendly, with a Boomerang being the only real "thrill coaster." The log flume wasn't earth-shattering, but it least is was a different layout than most of the other European ones. No reverser section! Woo! (How on earth did hating reverse sections on log flumes become my thing? I'm the "RMCs are bad actually" guy!) The French may or may not hate "American culture," but they sure do love the American Old West. Wait, what part of Belgium are we in? The Dutch-speaking part? Okay. Well...the Belgians apparently like the Old West also. You got a problem with that? Hey, it's that ladybug coaster from RollerCoaster Tycoon! Beleweraerd is also kind of a zoo! This is an ass. Sorry, wait. This is an ass of a oxen. He was a jerk is what I'm saying. He wouldn't even face me. This is not the best caption I've ever written. This was supposed to be our hotel, but none of the men could find it. The park's themed "tow boat" ride, with animals. Known by various names over the years, including Jungle Mission, Jungle Adventure, Het Zoemende Ei, Voodoo River, The Ride to Happiness by Tomorrowland, and Steve and Rebecca Marry a Big Snake. Dude. Put down the pipe. My something something brings all the goats to the fence. I think I'm having a stroke. I don't know, guys. It's a rapids ride. I'm all out of caption juice. A mad house! This one was themed to Harry Houdini, but he was evil for some reason? It didn't really make sense. But also it was in Dutch I think, and we went on like 8 of these and they're all starting to blend together now. Okay, this was cool. A train ride through animal enclosures, featuring lions and tigers. A lion. I think you'll find that it is. I'm almost 100% sure. Wakala is a Gerstlauer family coaster with switch track and reversing sections that they stole from the log flume. Just a little rainy today. Good for (not having) crowds, not normally great for photos, but I like how this one turned out. Ice Cream Burger Their words, not mine. Big Chute, with Dawson Duel in the background. Dawson Duel are a pair of dueling alpine coasters. Except instead of being built on a mountainside like sensible alpine coasters, they're just built up in the air with tall supports. So that's different, Not sure why we have to walk up to the top though. The thing has a perfectly serviceable-looking lift. I'm going to be honest. I only rode one side because I didn't want to walk up there again. Bellaweirdy was funky and interesting and unique. Not exactly a thrill park, but I enjoyed it. And it had animals too! Well, that's it for Belgium. Next up, the thrilling French conclusion! As always, thanks for reading.

Some bad news out of a park a group of us just visited about 6 weeks ago, as a 57 year-old woman reportedly fell from the Heiße Fahrt coaster and died. Here's the best English-language source I could find: https://euroweeklynews.com/2022/08/07/woman-falls-from-roller-coaster-and-dies/ Woman falls from roller coaster and dies By Annie Dabb • 07 August 2022 • 11:51 On Saturday afternoon, a woman died in a theme park in the Klotten, Mosela, after falling from a moving roller coaster. The woman died after several attempts to revive her. No one knows the cause of the accident. “On Sunday 7th August Klotti Park will close permanently” reads the webpage of Klotten theme park in Mosel. The park originally opened in 1970 as a wildlife park in the heights of Mosela. A 57 year old woman from Sarre fell from a moving roller coaster and suffered fatal injuries. The attempts to revive her were unsuccessful. A rescue helicopter arrived along with voluntary firefighters to help, but nothing more could be done for her. The roller coaster track is 532 metres in length and reaches a height of 17.5 metres. The theme park’s website advises that it “is not for cowards”. The rollercoaster track has “many curves, a steep incline and speeds of up to 60 kilometres per hour, that can take your breath away and make your heart beat out of place.” Through the night, the police could say little at the time of the accident and further investigations have been unable to confirm the cause of the accident so far. It is unknown whether it was due to a technical fault, ride negligence, or fatal carelessness. There is also speculation around whether the woman’s death was due to her injuries or a natural cause like a heart attack, as reported by welt.de Thank you for taking the time to read this article, do remember to come back and check The Euro Weekly News website for all your up-to-date local and international news stories and remember, you can also follow us on Facebook and Instagram.

Oh my. The man died, son.

Interesting if true! Yeah? Too bad you're anonymous. I like water rides. The log flume at Europa was awesome. I liked Chiapas, as well. I actually like most log flumes. I just don't think they need to go backwards.

Okay, time for part 2. And this will be the longest one, I think. So let's get started! Part 2: Germany in Germany Day 4 of the official trip began with a park that had been on my radar for quite some time, Erlebnispark Tripsdrill! Tripsdrill is a small, oddly laid-out, oddly-everythinged park that seems to be transitioning to bigger park status. This is the park-end of their "main street." I've always been fascinated by this ride (G'sente Sau) and the way it interacts with their log flume (Badewannenfahrt zum Jungbrunnen...because screw you if you don't speak German). I was even more excited to ride it after experiencing Vilda Musen at Grona Lund back in 2019. However, it turned out to be quite tame. Still, it wasn't bad, by any means. This ride is famous for a small dark ride section that features an animatronic that drops her top to show her boobs. Sadly, this animatronic was broken and had her top permanently in the down position--which, obviously, is an outrage. Through no fault of my own, I came off of this ride overboobed. Smisty ditched me to ride with other TPR members. That seems okay...right? Being left behind in the station did allow me to witness some German teens throw their bags across the track, and one leap *over* the track to gently place his bag on the other side. He didn't even get fussed at by the operator. That was even more mentally assaulting than the continuous unbroken boob exposure. Tripsdrill has two of these weird spinning-tub-on-a-powered-track rides. Please note the guest barrier between the midway and the ride area. Speaking of which, please take a moment to examine this duck ride. No fences, no signage, no queue. You just get on a duck when it stops, I guess. Look, I spent many years of my life as a ride op at various US parks. This is noteworthy to me. Shoot an egg out of a chicken's ass into the mouth of the animal or human of your choice. I am not being vulgar. I'm just describing the thing. Of course, it will cost you money. Making this someone out there's exact kink. Maybe Mr. Erlebnispark. Mammut, as I understand it, is the only wooden coaster ever built by Gerstlauer. And I can see why they stopped. To be fair, the layout looks nice, the queue has some stuff to look at, the restraints aren't bad, and there's a cool little malfunctioning-sawmill dark-ride scene between the station and the lift--but otherwise this ride is quite dull. Just very slow and forceless. And yet, it still manages to have a notable push-pull shuffle throughout the entire ride. I can't even hate this ride. I feel sorry for it. It only has one train, also. Like, they could RMC it and I wouldn't even be mad. And if you know me, that's really saying something. Climb up a ladder and an animatronic come out of the window to shout at you in German. I like to think they're yelling at you for climbing up their ladder and trying to look in their window. You are a perv. Inside the building is a walk-through attraction that consists of a dark, narrow, twisting hallway with buttons on the wall that will light up a little mannequin who will tell you their life story (I think). Guess what her life story is. This not-quite a tilt-a-whirl is themed to baking. Literally translated, "Gugelhupf" means, "You are a muffin." Probably. This park is quite pretty. And there's a wine museum, if you're into that sort of thing. There's also a quite simple, rustic-looking fun house. And a death slide. Karacho has the most alarming beginning of any coaster I've even been on. You roll out of the station into a tunnel, where you take a quick dip, turn, slow roll inversion, and launch, all in total darkness. Um...spoilers, I guess. Maybe I should've said that first. But I suppose if you don't want to be spoiled, maybe you shouldn't be looking at a trip report. Take some responsibility for your own actions, man. Anyway, Smisty really liked this one. And I thought it was okay. The restraints weren't the worst. What the...? Why?! Every other parks' water cannons are a lie. The rapids ride is themed to laundry. Although...I'm not quite sure from what era. All of them, I guess? A fairly uninteresting splash battle, the famously "don't look that scary" drop towers, and their two new Vekoma family coasters, Volldampf (which means "goat-sex") and Hals-über-Kopf (which means "head up your butt.") Goat Sex was kind of boring (which...frankly, was a surprise to me) but Head Up Your Butt was the best coaster in the park. Not that I was here for the coasters. I was here for weird. And despite the lack of a proper dark ride, Tripsdrill delivered the weird. But there's no time to consider what just happened! Back on the bus! We left Tripsdrill early in order to get to Holiday Park before they closed, in order to have Expedition GeForce ERT at the end of the day (when the ride was good and warmed up) rather than the next morning. Rain came in, but many hardy souls kept riding anyway. Proof that I rode it. And I also took this photo. Because I'm that good. So...did I like it? Well, I didn't dislike it. But here was the problem.... [Feel free to skip to the next photo if you don't want a long boring explanation about restraints and the way they fit me.] I usually like these Intamin T-bar and European-style seatbelts just fine. They tend to be tight, as the parks shorten the seatbelts in order to be the determinator of whether or not someone is too big, and then allow the lapbar to rest comfortably in one's lap--which allows me slight upward movement (i.e., airtime) even as the seatbelt is holding me (tightly) back toward my seat. But Holiday Park does it differently. Here, the seatbelt is relatively long, but the lapbar has to be down to "within two fingers" of the seat side bar. So, I fit, but I was so stapled that any and all airtime was experienced by me as pressure on my upper legs. This wasn't painful, but it also wasn't particularly exciting. Kind of what I imagine a deaf person's experience of music might be. Like, they can't actually hear it, but they know it's there because they can feel the bass. None of which is me complaining. I'm just trying to explain why, for me, even though I love rides like Millennium Force, Ride of Steel, or Goliath at Walibi Holland, Expedition GeForce didn't do much for me. Seems like most other folks on the trip quite liked it, though. After ERT, Smisty and I headed to a German grocery store because....well, why would we not do that? Because we needed water. Yeah, that's it. Water. Biggest bathroom of the trip. Not sure if everyone's was like this. I assume not. The next morning we had ERT on Sky Scream. That's the red Premier Sky Rocket in the back, not the leftover piece of old-school Vekoma track there for decoration. This one is special because it has lapbars rather than over-the-shoulder restraints. Not special enough for me to ride it, though. Smisty did. I just asked her what she thought of it, but she doesn't remember. These are cool. I like that you can kind of tailor the ride to the kind of experience you want to have (although it takes skill if you want it to be wild). Haunted Mansion rip-off #2. I say "rip-off" with love, though. This one was the most torture-y, as I recall. The back of the park had a beach-themed area. We rode the Sky Flyer three times in a row, by ourselves, because no one else was back there yet. And we like those. It had a nice view. And it was already hot out and the breeze felt nice. Look, I don't need to explain myself to you. Also, this is not the Sky Flyer. I don't know what "Wickie" is but a couple of park's we visited had really similar "Wickielands." It seems to have something to do with cartoonish viking characters. Also, log flumes in Europe have no faith in themselves. They're all about turntables and backward sections. Just be log flumes, guys. I love when parks have little museums dedicated to themselves. Holiday Park has theirs as part of a restaurant. So that's pretty cool. Two parks on this trip had dinosaur-themed water rides. I intended to ride both, but wound up riding neither, for whatever reason. Hey, you gotta roll with the situation, you know? Wow. That's quite an admission, Holiday Park. I mean, yes, it's true. I just didn't expect *you* to put it out there like that. Back on the bus! A quick drive through beautiful German resort areas brought us to Wild- & Freizeitpark Klotten. (And yes, that hyphen is part of the name. Yes, in the spot, with a space after it and then the & symbol. Don't ask me.) We only had about 2 hours to explore this very strange place, but it's not particularly large. It is weird, though. Like, weirder than Tripsdrill weird. Self-operated rides? Yup. Allow me to explain how this one works. I have no idea. It's powered? And there are multiple buttons, some of which are red and some of which are black. And you have to climb over bars to get into the seats. And then you push the buttons. Which do something...? Or maybe they don't? No one on the ride could figure it out either. Oh yeah. So this is just a small kids ride that goes in a circle. But it has water guns that you shoot at the park's mascot in the middle. So it's got that going for it. A saucy puppet show. It might not have been saucy. I didn't watch it. But I have watched Futurama. Um, no thank you, Hey, it's another one of those Gerstauler Bobsled coasters like at Tripsdrill! Oh s#!t, no it's not! This thing is waaaaay wilder. It also wraps around a big round...um, castle thing...that also houses a log flume and a shooting dark ride. Zum Rittersturz features a spiraling vertical lift and a trim brake on the drop...?! Also water. Lots of water. I did not take this photo. I think Robb did. But I'm borrowing it because y'all need to see this. So, here's what I think happened: The park said they wanted magic wands instead of guns, but the designer wasn't sure what those should look like, so they googled "magic wand" but didn't realize that safe search was off, and well...this was the result. It's quite a short, simple dark ride. But they did a good job of hiding how little is actually going on. I do mean that as a compliment. It feels like they had very little money but made it work. Maybe someone donated the, um, "wands" and they just went with it. Here's another photo of Heiße Fahrt. And it will make you fahrt! Wait, that just means "journey." Airtime could be described as a journey, right? This isn't working. Look, there's airtime. And laterals. Sometimes at the same time. I liked it better than Expedition GeForce, let's just say that. Wait, that's going to get me hate mail. Look, cute animals: See, Klotten is also a zoo. Grizzly bears! Wait...are all of these animals from North America? I mean, I guess that's cool for their normal clientele. But all these guys live down the street from me! I didn't travel all the way to Germany to see American animals! You're not fooling me, Trash Gremlins! Homemade whip type thing. I would've liked to have ridden it, but when the German-only-speaking ride op asked me how many kilos I was, I had no choice but to fold. Um....800,000? Does that sound right? I would like Klotten to be my home park. Not so much because of it, but because I want to live here. It was cool, though. Our hotel at Phantasialand. Are you tired of my coaster opinions yet? No? F.L.Y. was terrible. It was cool staying in a hotel that was built all around a coaster, though. The weird, ugly proper entrance to Phantasialand. Which I'm not sure is bad, actually. It makes for quite a dramatic transition once inside the park, certainly. Phantasialand's "main street" is interesting in several ways, not the least of which is that rather that being full of shops and services, it's mostly eateries and attractions. It's also called "Berlin." Their main street is Berlin. "Berlin is on this map!" "So it is." For example, their hotel-themed fun house is located there. Which contains this weird elevator that doesn't go anywhere and an operator with fake ponytails who only communicates via whistle. Maybe not quite as fun as the one at Grona Lund, but elevated by its awesome crooked house hotel theming. Misty doesn't like fun houses, so this is what she did instead. The far end of Berlin, where you must then choose to go left or right. The park's layout is weird. In fact, I'm not even going to try to explain it. Okay, I will. Imagine the roman numeral 3, but not connected at the bottom. Kind of like this: TTT And that middle part is Berlin. Or just google a map of Phantasialand. That might be easier. The park's newest dark ride, Maus au Chocolat, is also in Berlin. It's like Toy Story Mania, but better and way longer. The covered midway that connects Berlin to Wuze Town. On the left is the only gift shop in Berlin. That's just fun to say. So, they're all about dragons in this park, with each dragon representing a separate themed area. Whereas I am all about chocolate-covered fruit. I opted for the pineapple, whilst Misty got grapes. Also pictured, apples (of course) strawberries (sure) and pears(!?) Looks like it's closed. No doubt to be replaced soon by Spectre, now that they have the rights. That joke is really just for me. Don't worry about it. Chiapas is quite a well-regarded log flume, and rightfully so. A bit on the wet side, and the restraints are awful (I suspect for everybody, not just me) but the theming is great and it has a neat soundtrack! On the other hand, it's in Europe, so it goes backwards for entirely too long. Still, it was really good! Phantasialand has a reputation for great theming. And I think this is a pretty good example of that. But I will say that it seems like there are several areas that are highly-themed but just have like one thing in them. This is Mexico, but really it just has Chiapas. At least, that you can see here. I guess there are technically two other rides in "Mexico," but it doesn't really feel like it. This isn't really a complaint so much as me saying that in the grand battle of Europa versus Phantasialand, I much prefer Europa's ride layering. Meanwhile, in a completely different part of Mexico, the famous Talocan--combining fire, water, intensity, inversions, and nope. The African section, which contains Black Mamba and...um...this stairway. Okay, so when you're in a foreign country, you don't want to be problem. We went to ride Black Mamba and got in line for the front row, when a ride op came over and told me that I had to ride in row 5. Now, I know what's going on here. I'm fat, and he's directing me to the big boy seat. Of course, I can usually fit in any row of a B&M invert, but I don't want to argue with the guy. And, like, what if he's right and I insist on the front only to not fit and I hold up the whole operation? I don't want that. So we moved to row 5. And the ride sucked. Look, Black Mamba is supposed to be themed. I say "supposed to be" because you can't see anything on a B&M invert unless you're in the front, So who knows if it's themed or not? Not me. I can tell you that it was intense in a way that I didn't really care for (ball-crushing positive g's in every pull out) and probably wouldn't have liked in the front row either. So, yeah, one and done for me. No big deal, though. It was unlikely that I was going to love a B&M invert anyway. Moving on. Presented without comment. Colorado Adventure is themed to the old west and located in Mexico, allegedly. What's the most frightened you've ever been on a roller coaster? For me, it was the moment I realized that the entire middle third of this arrow mine train was going to be in complete darkness. Good ride, though. The Asia section contains *two* rides, a super goofy kung-fu themed mad house and the park's other dark ride, "Ghost Rickshaw." Yes, it's Haunted Mansion rip-off #3--but this one distinguishes itself by being filled with weird monsters from Asian Mythology (I assume). And, as such, it was the best of the 3. Beware of hitchhiking ghosts! Ah yes, the 4 slushie flavors of the apocalypse: Flamingo, Gummibarchen, Waldmeister, and Fresh and Cool. The Asia section looks quite nice, though. This is a full-service restaurant, in case your curious. The queue for River Quest, the park's raids ride, located in the (*ahem*) Mystery section of the park. That's an option?! You can just have a "mystery" section? Nobody tell Six Flags. I knew this ride had some tricks, so I wanted to check it out. However, I was kind of disappointed. Yeah, the vertical lift and the 3 drops were fun, but otherwise it just meandered around, with no rapids to speak of. And the theming was (appropriately enough) a bit of a mystery. I mean, it's a castle, I guess. And the boats have bats on them. But there's nothing else to suggest, say, vampires or whatever it's supposed to be. And the name doesn't help much. It's just kind of a mystery castle. Mystery Castle. It's a completely enclosed drop ride. But not like Tower of Terror. More of a normal drop tower, but with a variable programs and some theming. So like Tower of Terror. But not really. I normally skip drop towers these days. But the theming drew me in. And I enjoyed it! Of course they built an enclosed one because of neighbors-who-complain-of-noise, but I think it all worked out in this case. Now we enter Klugheim, which as near as I can tell is part of "Mystery." It's also home to a full-service restaurant that serves meat to the brave. And let me tell you I am brave. Smisty had soup. Klugheim is also home to two intertwined roller coasters: Raik, a Vekoma family boomerang--and Taron, a custom Intamin launch coaster. For my money, Taron is the best coaster in the park. Fast, smooth, airtime, some laterals...it's just fun. Wuze Town. So for those of you keeping track, the themed areas are: Berlin (a city in Germany), Rookburgh (a made-up steampunk place), Mexico (which includes the American Old West), Asia, Mystery (which includes Klugheim, which is again made up), Africa, and Wuze Town (which is made up also, I think?) This indoor section was interesting but felt a little rundown and dingy. As for Winjas, they were fun...but both tracks kind of seemed to be fighting against themselves in terms of spinning, as they both pretty much just follow a right turn, left turn, right turn, left turn pattern. Having said that, it seemed like most people I talked to preferred Fear, but I actually like Force better. For one thing, I thought it's track trick was more interesting. But also, for me, the larger drops of Fear didn't combine particularly well with the ride's seat horn. Some neat-looking kids rides sort of hidden at the top back part of the indoor area. Okay, so the other thing people talk about with Phantasialand (besides the theming) is how little room they have to work with. Which is interesting because they have this area, which is like a quarter of the park and consists of a long winding path around some grassland and a lake that contains nothing, and a gigantic "calm boat ride" that clearly used to be Splash Battle but isn't any more. I can only describe this area as "unpopular," as it only seems to be (briefly) visited by people who are on day 2 at the park (like us) and the profoundly lost. Clearly, this can and should all go. And, I can only imagine, will. The orange and yellow building in the background of the last photo can probably go as well, as it houses a long-closed dark ride (Hollywood Tour, which I would've liked to see) and Crazy Bats, an indoor coaster that's been give the VR treatment. We did ride Crazy Bats, and it was my first ever VR coaster (a concept I have little use for, but it wasn't an upcharge and we were here and had time, so why not?) It was...fine. I mean, it probably would've been better in one of its previous regular-indoor-coaster iterations, but whatever. Yeah, fire sale this whole area. (I mean, not Wuze Town. Wait, is this Wuze Town? What even is this area?) Back to the Charles Lindbergh Hotel. I probably should've taken a picture of it before we scattered our junk everywhere, but hey. I must say that I didn't love this room as much as I thought I would. I dig small spaces, but the thing is, if you're going to design a small space, the you can't afford mistakes. Everything has to work together. You can't have, say, a really low, shallow sink and a really high faucet. Or effectively no air in the room and a window that's just a big round door. (I mean, I know Europe has a different view of air conditioning than the US does, but at least give me a window I can open with a curtain over it.) I suppose it's a bit of a metaphor for all of Phantasialand. They do their own thing, and they march to their own drum, but it just doesn't always work they way they think it does. Nice view, though. Okay, so F.L.Y. Look, I don't really like flying coasters anyway. I just don't find them very coaster-like. It doesn't feel comfortable or natural to me to be facing downward. But, this is a new generation Vekoma, so I thought there might be some hope. But it was kind of just like lying face-down on the ground while someone jumps up and down on your back. It's certainly intense, if that's what you're looking for. And there is one moment of airtime (which is cool, if kind of weird). But even with nothing to obstruct the view, it turns out that, even with all that theming, the ground is mostly just ground. As an aside, this is also the first coaster that ever put me through a metal detector. I wasn't particularly bothered by it...but still, wow. To be fair, most of the group seemed to love it. But Misty didn't like it either, so it wasn't just me. Overall, though, I do think Phantasialand is a pretty good park. I like Taron and Chiapas and Maus au Chocolat quite a lot. Colorado Adventure and Geister Rikscha were pretty good too. They have a cool fun house, some beautiful theming, and some amazing sweets. Okay, whew. That was a long one. Join me again in like two weeks to hear me complain about some parks in Belgium!

No, I love you for your food influence. Not sure you should go by me, but I think I'd like to spend about 4 days there, just to really feel like I did everything as much as I wanted to. And I would definitely stay on site (again). For most people, I would say that 1 day is certainly not enough to do everything, but 2 probably is. What I've come to realize is that I love Disney rides but I dislike Disney parks. But that's a story for the final part of this trip report. Two more to go before that!

Oh wow. I had no idea they were creating that. Looks cool.

Well, thank you. But honestly I don't really think of myself as a photographer, per se. More of a storyteller, if anything. I just use my phone these day (currently a Pixel 6). I did play around with the photos a bit before posting them, which should be fairly obvious on a least a few of them. Thanks for reading and replying!

Bonjour! Erik & Smisty here. You may remember us from such trip reports as Erik & Smisty & TPR do Holland, Poland, and Swedeland. Travel has been kind of weird the past 3 years--and still is--but if TPR was ready to give organized trips a go again, we were down. We went to 12 new-to-us theme parks, rode something like 40-45 new roller coasters (I don't really count) and 30-40 new dark rides. There was less sightseeing on our own this trip, both because of timing and the fact that we flew in and out of the same city this time. But we still got in a few extra things. As a reminder, in addition to being overweight, I have scoliosis. And while my condition has never (to my knowledge) been exacerbated by riding roller coasters, and I can generally fit on most everything, how a particular ride's restraints fit me will often greatly affect my opinion of the ride in a way that often won't make a lot of sense to other people. On the other hand, I tend to be pretty forgiving of general roughness or violence as long as it's not specifically targeting me. So, for example, I find Helix (at Liseberg) awful, but I love Desperado (at Buffalo Bill's). So, just because I don't like a particular ride certainly doesn't mean that you won't love it. Everybody good with that? Okay, great! Also, please bear in mind that I am crafting the first part of this trip report whilst under the influence of European Brand COVID™, so my already often strange captions may or may not end up being total gibberish. Off we go...! Part 1: France in Germany Part 2: Germany in Germany Part 3: Exotic Belgium Part 4: America in France Paris! Okay, enough of that. Wait, this is my first coaster of the trip?! I don't even ride s#!t like this! But the park was so nice to us that I didn't want to appear rude. Which, I guess I'm kind of being rude now. Sorry. Let's start again. The first official park of the trip was originally meant to be Europa. But since that's a 10-hour drive from Paris, and European labor laws required a fairly lengthy break in the middle of that for our bus driver (fair enough) it just made sense to stop at Walygator Grand Est. Just one problem: Walygator was closed that day. But Robb somehow convinced them to bring in a few people to walk us around and let us ride a couple of their coasters. So that's kind of amazing. This is Anaconda. A William Cobb woodie with a super-interesting layout and a super-bad reputation. However, the park has recently put quite a bit of work into it, and that reputation needs to be reexamined. Sure, it's not particularly wild, but it's very smooth. How smooth? Well, I started with a front seat ride to get a feel for it, and then happily hopped into a wheel seat towards the back--which was also good. This ride is tons of fun! I mean, it doesn't really have airtime or significant laterals or anything, but it's certainly not the second-worst coaster in Europe or whatever. Great job, Walygator! I skipped this, but Misty loved it! Here you can see her having convinced the poor Walygator PR guy to ride with her. If Anaconda is not intense, it's only because this ride has sucked all the intensity to itself. I'm not sure that makes sense, but basically this is Raptor except somebody forgot to install brakes on the mid-course brake platform, resulting in a first half of Raptor-ish intensity, followed by a second half of holy-crap-Raptor-is-a-kiddie-ride intensity. I respect it, but once was enough for me. It wasn't part of the plan, but Smisty asked Elissa if she could talk the park into letting her by a stuffed Waly Gator. So they opened up a gift shop for us. Now, I had pretty much convinced Misty to buy a gator that would fit into her bag. But then Elissa (who is now dead to me) was all Satanic-influence with, "Hey, they opened this gift shop for, you have to get the big one!" But it gets worse. See, Misty was then talking to one of the park managers and thanked him for opening up the gift shop so she could buy a stuffed alligator, and he responded by gifting her a frigging Monster road wheel. Happily, they also gave 9 other wheels to the group, and I'm pretty sure that everyone who wanted one got one, so I'm not the only one who knows the joy of trying to get what (out of context) looks a bit like part of a nuclear reactor through airport security. But hold on, there's lots more parks before we start worrying about heading home! Our first day at Europa began with ERT on the indoor CanCan Coaster, followed by Silver Star (in the rain). CanCan Coaster (inside the golf ball) was fun and well-themed, though the restraints/seat horns weren't entirely ideal for me. Still, I rode it three times (once with the lights on) so they weren't that bad. I liked Silver Star a lot, despite a bit of rattle. That rattle was a deal-breaker for Misty, though. And yes, the golf ball is rather Epcot-like--except they put a roller coaster in it. Good artists borrow. Great artists steal. Now on our own, we headed for the park's newest dark ride, Arthur. But, really, Arthur is more than a dark ride. It's an indoor/outdoor powered coaster dark ride with a whole indoor area built around it. And it's great. We rode it 3 or 4 times over our 2 days at Europa, which required some effort and commitment considering how popular it is. I honestly had no idea that Europa had a fairy tell walk-through and push-button area! See, after the last trip, I was left with a conundrum: did I prefer Efteling or Gröna Lund? Thankfully, I now have an answer: I prefer Europa. Look, they even have self-operated rides! (Well, one. ) It pretty much rained the entire first day. But that was fine by me! It kept it from getting too hot and scared most of the locals away. No lightning, though. So we rode lots of stuff, including some water rides--including this splash battle, which also had indoor dark ride sections. Because everything at Europa is a dark ride. Of course, the weather wasn't ideal for photography. But that just gives me an excuse for my crappy photos! So, again, a win. This powered coaster intertwines with the log flume and then they both intertwine inside a man-made mountain along with a walk-though attraction about elven slave-labor gem mining. The nice gentleman working the log flume asked if we wanted to stay on and ride again and we did. Is a dive show in the middle of a water ride safer if the guy misses the pool or less safe? There was a small language barrier with the guy in the ice cream shop on account of the fact that I am an American and do not speak any other languages secure in the knowledge that I will never need to understand any other culture and his English was only almost perfect. But it did result in this amazing waffle cone sundae thing and my new motto: "Yes to everything." Actually, this might be the park's newest dark ride: Snorri Touren. It's easy to find as it's located in a basement through a random door in the Scandinavian section of the park. And Misty had a stuffy of Snorri shipped to us in the states months before we visited this park. Josefina's Magical Imperial Journey might be the snootiest name for a ride ever. It also has a fascinating narrative, in that it's utterly unburdened by conflict or adversity. Basically, a princess meets a prince, their respective families approve, everything is what it seems, they get married, and everything is wonderful. See? They don't just rip off Disney. We didn't eat at Food Loop because Elissa said the food was bad. But I don't why I should listen to her "buy the big gator" slander. Oh right, the line was also long. Looks like I'll trust her opinion after all and just take a photo instead. I'm told that folks around these parts like pictures of roller coasters. So here are two in one photo. Can I go back to pictures of foliage now? Wodan is my new favorite GCI, by the way, and probably the best coaster I rode on this trip. For anyone who doesn't know, Europa Park was ostensibly started as a showcase for Mack Rides. But there's clearly more to it then that. Indoor spinning ride? Check. Okay, I do have one minor complaint. This is a Mack water coaster. Essentially, it's the same ride type as Journey to Atlantis at SeaWorld Orlando. Except what's cool about that ride is that it's a log flume and a dark ride and a coaster. This is just out in the open, and mostly unthemed (outside of the station). Which is doubly odd as everything at Europa is a dark ride. Except this, which really should be. It's like, a duck is cool because it can walk and swim and fly. But a duck just walking is kind of lame. Get a goat or a cheetah or something. I insist that this is a perfect analogy and will not hear otherwise. By my count, Europa has 6 proper dark rides. Including this one, Geisterschloss, which roughly translates to "Moist Cattle." I'm sorry, that should've been "Clothed Hassle." Damned auto-correct. This ride is just a bunch of things that Germans think Italians are into, but it ends with a gelato room, so I like it. And also the Russian dark ride is worse because it's so much about snow and ice and cold that penguins actually show up at the end. But those all pale in comparison to this one. As near as I can figure--and I did zero research but don't correct me--there was an existing dinosaur themed ride but they wanted to retheme whatever this section of the park was before to France and this was how they bridged the gap: an old French women collects weird things, including and mostly consisting of live dinosaurs. The best part of this ride was that a live squirrel wandered into it and was just as confused about the whole situation as I was. Ireland is the park's kid section, which seems kind of insulting if you're Irish...? Except that when I say "kid section" I actually mean completely awesome family section filled with more tracked outdoor scenic rides than I can count. I mean, I would give a lot of parks half credit for having a dark ride if they had anything half as good as any one of these indoor/outdoor scenic rides, and this area has like 4 or 5 of them. And also one of those Lindt chocolate stores that Ireland is so famous for. God, I love Europa so much. But mostly because I'm not Irish. This nightmarishly-themed water cups ride is called (and I'm not making this up) "Puppet Boat Ride." Note that the sign in the background reads "CIRCUS MACK'S IMUS" because Mack. Old Mac Donald's Tractor Fun Yes, that's its actual name. Note the observation tower in the background, as we're going there next. I am the master of transitions. You know how people are always like, "They should have benches in the queue." Well, these crazy bastards went and did it. Also, Misty representing. Her favorite ride manufacturer was Mack before we went to Europa. Yes, she likes this park, A view from the observation tower of the 3 coasters we'll have ERT on the following day. Back to our on-site hotel, El Andaluz. A large contingent of the group headed to Europa's new indoor waterpark, Rulantica, for the evening. But we're old and tired and I'm under court order not to be seen in a bathing suit. This tapas at the hotel restaurant was so good we ended up going back and getting it again the next evening. Yes, we got this two nights in a row, also. The big bed is for gauchos and donkeys. The top bunk is for little boys. The bottom bunk is for maracas. Day 2 started with ERT on Euro-Mir. This was Mack's prototype spinning coaster. It's kind of weird, it doesn't free spin, and some of the transitions are a bit...Arrow. But I like weird, the spiral disco lift and the mirrored towers are fun, and it's not overly painful. I rode twice, once experiencing the bulk of the ride forwards, and once experiencing the bulk of the ride backwards. So I figure I pretty much got the full experience. I'd hate for them to get rid of this ride. But I also feel like they could do better now. Maybe like a full-scale revamp/refurb? Make it spin freely and reprofile some of those transitions? I'd say they might just go full Ride to Happiness, but I don't think Mack wants really extreme rides in their park. Still, they have two water coasters, so who knows? Voletarium is their flying theater ride. You know, like Soarin'. But when was the last time you rode Soarin' and there wasn't a seam or a blemish on the screen or a bit of trash at the bottom? Everything at Europa works. Buttons actually activate things, screens are pristine, animatronics move like they're supposed to, operations are top notch, and policies actually make sense. Also, the transitions were really good. (I hate smash cuts.) And the ending? Oh yeah, you end at Europa with fireworks going off. I don't carry a big camera. I just use my phone. Both because I want to travel light, and because I don't want to fall into focusing so much on photography that I miss out on just , you know, experiencing things. But I did want to bip out the front gate for some quick photos of the park entrance and Silver Star. So here's an example of what I was talking about before. If you leave the park, and wish to return that same day, there's an automated system that takes your photo and attaches it to your ticket. Now, obviously, that's to prevent people from giving their tickets to others. But, you just know that if a US park were to do something like this, they'd make everyone attach their photo upon initial entry. But why? Most people don't leave in the middle of the day and come back again. So Europa only does it when it matters. And, yes, I suppose you could go with a traditional handstamp instead, but kids were defeating that when I was a kid, and I'm old as dirt. A small Mack/Europa museum at the front of the park. And a much weirder "Narrenscheune Museum" (whatever that is). Just a weird garden-y section near the front of the park. I imagine that a lot of people miss it. And again, this park is so much more than just a Mack Rides showroom. How am I supposed to drive this thing?! The steering wheel is on the wrong side!? Also, there are no guns on this thing! That's like an America joke, right? I have no idea. I'm way too handsome to be an ugly American. Sex joke...? Wait, maybe this is the park's newest dark ride. Yes, it's a Pirates of the Caribbean rip off. But really, I think of it as more of a companion piece. Like, I honestly think you'd enjoy it more if you were already familiar with PotC. Quality-wise, it's pretty much on par (or maybe just a slight notch below) but has much more of an Asian-vibe. Or, to put it another way, how can you improve Pirates of the Caribbean? If your answer is "add a tiger," then this ride might be for you! Honestly, what kind of lunatic makes an otter in a tiny pirate costume walk the plank? Is this theming Disney quality? I dunno, I'm not that into Disney. This is good enough for me, though. Raclette. The hype is real. Was excited to see this football bumper car thing, but it's apparently been replaced by some kind of virtual garbage. Boo. How about some ERT on my new favorite GCI? It's just so good. Plus, no seat belts, so operations are lightning fast. Speaking of which: This story is second hand, but I don't think anyone would object to my paraphrasing it here. Essentially, the ides is that Europa feels that they have to have excellent operations because they want to sell these rides to other parks, and they don't want those parks to think they make low-capacity rides. Of course, this isn't a Mack ride, so I guess maybe they just want to take care of their guests, as well. Everything is a dark ride. I haven't really talked too much about Blue Fire. I dug it. The restraints were mostly pretty okay for me, but that last hangtime inversion was a little owie, so I stopped after about 3 rides. Still, that's a pretty decent amount for me. In fact, I rode all 5 of their big coasters 2-4 times. There really wasn't one that I rode once and was done with. Which, if you know me, is pretty good. We asked Robb and Elissa if they could just leave us here, but apparently Europa insisted that we go experience some other German parks...? Seems a bit insulting, but I guess we have to respect their wishes. Anyway, is Europa the best park in the world? Well, I haven't been to every park in the world, and we still have 10 more parks to talk about from this trip, so technically it's too early to say. But yes.

Vogel Rok

Well, here it is: the final (and most disappointing) chapter of our tale.... Not Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park Probably the biggest single thing that attracted us to Denver isn't actually in Denver, but a 2.5 hour drive west of Denver. So important to the trip was it, that we planned to go on Day 1, with the possibility of Day 2 being dedicated to it as well. However, shortly before our arrival in Denver, mudslides took out I-70--the one direct connection between Denver and Glenwood Springs. This left 2 possibilities: a 4.5 hour winding southern route, or an almost 8 hour winding northern route. We opted for the southern route, since it was theoretically shorter. But after 6 hours of driving, detour after detour, roads that were closed when we got to them and directed us somewhere else (that was also inevitable closed) and still being told that we were 4.5 hours away from the park, with no clear way to get there, we crawled back to Denver with our tails between our legs. Which then left us having wasted most of Day 1, and no guarantee that the supposedly 8-hour northern route would treat us any better. Best case scenario: 16 more hours of driving, likely sacrificing an additional day's worth of planned activities whether we succeeded or failed. So, we shuffled what we could forward and tried to save a day for the end of the trip, just in case they were able to clear I-70 before we had to head home. (Spoiler: they didn't.) This update therefore will not be Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park, but rather all the other things we did in and around Denver that didn't merit their own update. So wash that rotten orange juice taste out of your mouth with some minty toothpaste and put your random-oddventuring veil on, because here we go! The Eisenhower Johnson Memorial Tunnel, which is easily accessible while wasting your time trying to get to Glenwood Springs. Not that it was all bad. The Denver Museum of Nature & Science Kicking rocks. A temporary mirror maze--which was not much to write home about, but still cool that it was there, even if it was part of an exhibit celebrating the golden ratio, which is kind of science related, in that the ratio can be expressed with math, but which is otherwise pretty questionable in terms of claims made about it. Anyway...yay, a mirror maze! A view of City Park and the smoke-choked Denver skyline from the museum's super-secret not-that-secret outdoor viewing deck. Village Inn! Maybe you have these near you. We did when we lived in Orlando, but haven't for a while now, and really miss them because we're weird. One of our hotel's four elevators. The others depicted a ski lift, the cockpit of a jumbo jet, and a spaceship. But I think I know my audience well enough to confidently go with this one. Our hotel's 13th floor. The Curtis Denver, if you're curious. The good news is that our hotel had a view of an amusement park. The bad news is that it was Elitch Gardens. (I used that joke on Instagram, but I'm just going to assume that you've forgotten it by now, even if you do follow me there.) Colorodeos really love their flag. Coloridiots? Coloradicals? Ice cream was had. The first permanent structure in Denver was a saloon. They are a hardy people. Sakura House (not too far from Coors Field) was unassuming and kind of hard to find, but amazing. Denver Botanic Garden just missed getting its own update, but I figured y'all only wanted to look at so many pictures of flowers. Flower photo. If you wanted more of this, just keep scrolling back up to here every once in a while. This Dale Chihuly glass work is entitled "Colorado." I mean, not to brag or anything, but Seattle has an entire museum-type attraction dedicated to his work and we're weirdly competitive about it. I really enjoy Brutalist architecture. I've phrased that in such a way so that if someone tells me this is actually an example of some other type of architecture I can say, "Yeah, I know. I wish it *were* brutalism because then I would like it." I don't like to lose. [*takes bite of apple*] Really enjoyed this art exhibit by Yoshitomo Saito. The Denver Botanic Gardens also had an exhibit of Salvador Dalí. But I'm pretty sure these things change with the seasons, so they might not be there when you visit. But hey that's life you know? Change. We didn't get to experience as much of Casa Bonita as we wanted, since they were mostly closed except for a small gift shop and occasional tours. But this place is fascinating. Between when this photo was taken and when it was posted, Trey Parker and Matt Stone have bought the place with the promise to "change nothing and improve everything." But since we couldn't eat at Casa Bonita, we hit up Culver's again! We've never actually lived close to one of these, but we wish we did. Adventure Golf & Raceway has three 18-hole courses, one of which is really nice and two of which are good but obviously older. They also have go karts, a ropes course, and a maze. We did the maze, which we paid for but seemed to be run on the honor system, and perhaps unsurprisingly had some maintenance issues. If you miss, it sprays water. But kind of late. Like, when the next player is about to putt. So that's fun. Garden of the Gods It's like a bite-sized national park. Inside the visitor's center. It won't take you all day, but well worth checking out. Back on our mini golf BS. This one is called Colorado Journey and might be run by the city...? Each hole is themed to a local landmark. So kind of like Urban Putt, but more traditional. Do not look directly at the sun. No, wait, it's fine. Blucifer surveys his sulfuric kingdom. Thus endeth the disappointment. Though obviously that was mostly a just framing device. We always have fun on vacation. Even to Hell on Earth