Electerik

I don't think those boats were meant for riders.

What's the name of this thread? Denmark, Norway, Sweden, and Finland? Anyway, here we are in Germany for Hansa Park. 09: Frog Frog Frog Inside the park looking back towards the entrance. It's quite nice, but unshaded compared to the rest of the park in a way that makes me feel like the whole area is new. While the park's two Marquee coasters are both Gerstlauers, the one I was most excited about was this Schwarzkopf, "Nessie." Which was fine, but not amazing. Maybe the most interesting thing about it was the finale, which was a drop into the (tunneled) brake run. Pretty great logo, though. Crazy Mine is a fun Maurer wild mouse with an attached observation tower you can climb to take photos. Fun story about how I'm stupid: As someone who doesn't speak German but pretty quickly picks up "entrance" and "exit" whilst visiting Northern European theme parks, I spent a long time looking for the entrance to said tower, but only kept finding the exit. Turns out there's only one way up and down, and "Aufgang" doesn't actually mean "exit," but rather "rising." Oops. Schwur des Kärnan (or "Kärnan's Oath") is pretty clearly the star of the park. Smisty's review: "You spend a lot of time on your back." I didn't ride it. Was on the fence, but leaning towards giving it shot. Then we got to a preshow in which I had to be separated from my glasses (strap or no) for who knows how long, and the ride ops were giving off a really weird energy. So yes, I went all the way to Hansa Park in Germany and then chose not to ride Kärnan. Hey, I don't tell you how to vacation! I liked the wild mouse, though. Animatronic butt. Not pictured: keyboard that made the frogs sing. And by "sing," I mean "say the word frog." Obstacle course and bouncy bridge! Smisty asked me to take a photo of her on the horse. And for not extra charge, I sexy-ied it up a little. Old West Christmas Store I was pretty excited about Hansa Park's proper powered observation tower, but it was down all day for queue painting...? Lame. I really did want to ride this, as Hansa Park is very near the Baltic Sea, but doesn't do much to really show off its location. Lunch at Restaurant Weltumsegler at the front of the park. Pretty good, and super-friendly staff. Also, I was able to keep my glasses on. This park is not ugly. Hansa doesn't have a proper dark ride, but it does have this boat ride with flowers and water features and fairies (or something). Sure, you can see every inch of it from the pathways that surround it, but I still like that it exists. Log flume #1 of 3! Pull yourself across the lake, but don't try to touch the Schlong of Midgard! I don't normally ride kiddie coasters, but this one seemed interesting and it was. There's an indoor section with an animatronic, and since the ride has two laps, he talks to the train twice--the first time is tell you to go kill the snake or whatever, and the second time is to complain about how much you failed the first time. (Or at least that's how I interpreted it.) These last four photos are all from a pretty nice kid's area. I probably should've led with that. Pirate-themed "doesn't get you wet" raft ride, with a cool station. *Ahem* ... With a cool station. These stupid rides are everywhere now. But very few are as nicely themed and plussed-up as this. Arigato. There's a little bridge that takes you over a road to this resort area. See? Sea. Misty didn't come see this. So now we're even, credit-wise. Flucht von Novgorod is the park's other Gerstlauer. It features a dark ride section and some other fun accompaniments to try to obscure the fact that it's a Eurofighter. Can you wear your glasses on this one? No idea. Didn't try. A warning about the over-the-head restraints? Look at this. In America, people would be straight up climbing onto the track and dying. God, we're stupid. On the other hand, we did invent country bears. So, you know, it all evens out. Log flume #2. This one features animatronic rats that scurry out towards the logs as you leave the station! (Well, "animatronic" might be an overstatement. Still awesome, though.) It also takes advantage of the terrain in order to feature something I'd never experienced but always wanted to: a single lift hill with drops both before and after it. Does anyone find that cool besides me? Probably not. But it's how I generally tried to build log flumes in RCT2, so I think it's neat. Log flume #3. Well, a super flume with a very simple layout, but still. Late in the day, someone posted photos of a outdoor tracked jungle adventure jeep ride which we had not seen, which led us to this whole area of the park we had somehow missed. Misty finally gets her photo on a horse without me screwing it up. The little jeep ride has "cameras," attached via cord, that you can pick up and point at things. They do absolutely nothing, but they exist. Woo! Two updates in a row that basically end with a jungle adventure jeep ride! The bridge across the road to the parking lot and our bus. A quick stop off for dinner at an intersection with a couple of different fast food choices. We went for something local, "Sunset Boulevard," where I got this pretty decent burger and a blizzard/concrete ice cream thing with popcorn in it. Back in Denmark (specifically Aarhus) and in our room by sunset. Okay, so, on a scale of 0 to 10 (where a 0 means I have no desire to ever return and a 10 means it's literally a top 10 park--a system that currently works just about perfectly since I've been to around 100 parks) I give Hansa Park a 6. Not sure why I'm giving them a numerical value. I've never done that before. Anyway, still more fun than sitting on my couch writing a trip report!

Bakken is the world's oldest amusement park. I guess. I mean, I'm not going to check. And I'm certainly not going to argue the point. Because, in the end, it doesn't really matter. Being old doesn't equate to being good. If it did, I would be awesome. 08: Braking off the Chain No entry fee for this park. You can be menaced by the clown for free. Is there a difference between this clown and the one at Tivoli Gardens? No. They literally have the same mascot, despite not being otherwise connected (as far as I know). Both park's also have a "Rutschebanen." Which isn't too surprising since it's literally just Dansk for "rollercoaster." There's one big difference, however. Whilst the one at Tivoli Gardens still operates with a brakeman, this one was converted a couple of years back to a more traditional coaster. And how exactly does one do such a thing without completely reprofiling the ride? Easy, you just add brakes everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I'm talking about an offensive amount of brakes. This ride should be called Brake Mountain. Like, leave some brakes for cars on the road. I'm not even sure this really counts as gravity-powered anymore. Of course, without all those brakes you would be dead. The same way this ride is dead. Except you probably wouldn't be converted to a zombie cyborg. Hopefully, Bakken would just let *you* die. Daniel and I both wore red, making it hard to tell us apart. Bakken is actually Dansk for, "We hope you like stairs." Actually, it's not that bad. It's mostly just the front part of the park that's hilly. It's just that once I start writing angry captions, it's hard to stop. Even if the park doesn't really deserve it. I'll try to calm down. THIS RIDE IS GARBAGE Literally the worst thing I did on the trip. To be fair, the park was trying to help us out by putting it in "Turbo Mode." And I'm sure some people enjoyed it. But I found it violently horrible. And it didn't even spin. At least not on my one and only ride that's ever going to be. This kid gets it. This is literally my new least-favorite roller coaster. It was quite warm this day, but luckily Bakken does have one (pretty-wet) water ride. Bumper cars. See, this is what happens when I stop being angry. It just becomes nothing. I am entirely rage-powered. What do you think is happening here? My theory: The regular-sized scientist has enlarged his girlfriend, and she's so excited about how far ahead she can now see that she doesn't notice things in the road right in front of her. The best coaster at Bakken is this surprising Intamin family coaster, Mine Train Ulven, which both doesn't beat the crap out of you and doesn't have brakes every five feet. It's not going to rearrange your top 10 list, but it's fast and smooth and fun and comes very close to quite a few trees. Hey, they have one of these things. And Smisty is on it. I didn't ride, mostly because I didn't want to sit in the sun for the loading and unloading process. And they have a fun, traditional dark ride. So things are starting to look up. Hells yeah, *I'm* an American! And I love dining! Huh. Yeah, I guess that's sort of American-ish. What if we put our double shot in a little pit? That would be cute, right? Yes. It's adorable. Well, what if we also put of wild mouse in a pit? Would you like that? Yes, yes I would! It's a Mack, and a fun one. Plus, you know, pit. I mostly took a photo of this place because of the horrific decoration of a demonic child going all Erik on a ice cream cone. But one nice thing that I'll say about Bakken is that there were lots of ice cream choices throughout. The best attraction at Bakken was this boat-themed fun house. 59 PXL_20230607_122500938.TS.mp4 I don't normally post videos, but it's hard to really convey the movement of this thing via photo. An obvious reference to, "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish." Best new-to-me fun house of the trip. I don't normally think of theme park games as being particularly attractive to seniors, but damned if Bakken didn't figure it out! Outdoor tracked jungle-themed ride. It was so hot the sun singed off part of my hair! Indoor tracked jungle-themed ride. That probably would have flowed better without the weird hair joke photo in-between. We nearly passed this by because we didn't think it was a dark ride initially. Not sure why. It looks like a dark ride here. Another white clown, another swastika. Yeah, I don't have to go that bad. (That joke was overdone during the trip, but I don't have anything better so...there you go.) Done with Denmark forever, we head to Germany via ferry. And then a bus ride. And then a surprise late dinner by our very thoughtful host hotel for the evening. And then our unique room in the basement. And then, finally, sleep. Oh yeah, Bakken. Well, I think I liked it just a little bit better than BobBon-Land, so: 4

And now for Tivoli Gardens proper! This is probably the park that I was most looking forward to before the trip, and while it didn't end up being my favorite, it still has quite a lot to offer. 07: The Flying Trunk Of course we'd already walked around, took photos, and sampled some of the food here while staying across the street these last few days--but now we're actually going to ride stuff! It's a hotel. Disney really did get all their ideas from this place! (Actually, whilst the building itself is quite old, it's only been a hotel for like 20 years.) This park is absolutely charming and wonderful. But...there's only like 2 good rides (in my estimation). And this is one of them. Rutschebanen. Okay, remember the seemingly-pointless story about my internet-friend who did a recreation of BobBon-Land in OpenRCT2? Well, that's him. He's the brakeman. So now we're real friends. WHETHER HE LIKES IT OR NOT Behind the scenes tour. Because, you know, TPR. Also, nudity. Because, you know, TPR. Obviously, with the brakeman controlling the speed, there will be some variation from ride to ride. None of my rides were extreme or anything, but it's smooth, there was some airtime and laterals, and the brakemen really put on a show. Super fun and reridable. (Yeah, I know "reridable" isn't actually a word. But maybe it will be someday.) This certainly feels like the oldest section of the park, so I'll just assume that it is. The Fun House Unlike most other fun houses I've been in, this is not a continuous path with gags along it, but more an open space where you can choose what to explore. Which, to be honest, I didn't like as much. Still, as an American, any fun house is a good fun house (because we really don't have them). Hey, it's me! The middle one, with the ice cream cones and the similar screen name. ICE CREAM CONES (you hush) Hey, it's also me. Except on a Ferris wheel. And for some reason without an ice cream cone. So, a rare photo indeed. Minen, Rutschebanen, the fun house, and a bunch of other little things, all occupy the same "building." Which very much pleases me. Minen is an old mill type ride with a small drop and a weird switch-track that just turns you a little bit (in a way that could have been just as easily achieved with a turn). It's also equipped with very noisy flashlight guns that you use to annoy me. Er...I mean, that you use to shoot at randomly-placed static reflectors. This is cool, though. We really don't need the shooting part. Get off my lawn. This is a Smisty and Bert ride. Powered coaster on your right, restaurant on your left. Guess what the next photo will be. If you want your pizzas cut, ask for our "pizzaslicer" Bert was otherwise engaged. Photo by AJ, I'm pretty sure. But don't worry, I found something else to do. Note my pocket napkin technique. This ain't my first ice rodeo. Cute kids ride that I never saw running. Smisty likes spinning. I like ice cream. We both like candy stores. Flyvende Kuffert is the other great ride at Tivoli Gardens. Shown here prior to park open. (Because, you know, TPR.) What is this, a toilet? That would be a great joke if I'd put these photos in a different order.) Anyway, that previous photo was just the facade. The ride itself is mostly underground. Yes, it's a whirlwind tour of Hans Christian Andersen's most famous stories! Complete with narration in either Danish or English (your choice). AJ giving the international signal for "couldn't they have at least put a cover over the hole?" A truly unique and wonderful dark ride! Daemonen is the park's other full-size coaster. And while the layout is compact and interesting, the ride itself didn't really do much for me. I'm not usually a big demand-er of consistency. Different rides are designed differently and that means that what might work at one ride won't necessarily work at another. No sense trying to make one set of rules that everything has to fit into. That, in my opinion, ultimately just ends up making operations less safe. Having said that, it was quite jarring to go from Rutschebanen, where guests can jump on and off moving trains, to Deamoeneaon, where you can't even wear glasses with a strap. Daeameaoneaonea's exit path is barely even in the park. Few survive eating this burger? Is it on the other side of Chuck Norris Avenue? A small but charming car ride. Everyone was excited about the two outward facing vehicles, but I had never been on a condor-type ride at all, so even just the regular cars were interesting to me. I love the ladder. Tivoli is oddly laid out--at least as an amusement park--as there are large areas that don't contain rides at all. But I don't know why I'm mentioning that here, because there's clearly a ride in this photo. Misty, you're going the wrong way. Humans to the left. Tivoli also has a small aquarium. That's maybe mostly exists as a waiting area for a show venue...? A kids area, and behind that, a building with offices (I think) and a haunted walk-through. A statue of Reed Copenhagen, founder of Denmark. Wait, does that say, "Cakenhagen"? It does indeed. This park may only have two good rides, but it does also have some pretty good food options. Most bathrooms in this park--and in Copenhagen--and in Denmark--are in the basement. In fact, it was so common that I just started saying that I had to go to the basement whenever nature called. Yeah, I really should've put this photo before that earlier one. That is a sad clown. Tivoli was good. Maybe not quite great, but good. Erik's score: 8 I'm too lazy to explain the scale again. If you love this park, then just pretend it's on a scale of 1 to 8. And, I guess if you hate the place, assume it's on a scale of 1 to 100. Crap, it would've been way less typing to just tell you what my scale actually is. That's it, I'm

Apparently, the villain of Underland is not a magician (as I had also initially assumed) but merely a snidely whiplash type. However, one of the bunnies is a magician! It's all very confusing.

What's this? An actual theme park update?! Indeed so! 06: Authentic Taco Toast That TPR bus life. But to where...?! This isn't really much of a cliffhanger, if you're reading Chuck or Bert's trip reports. Or read my first update where I literally spoil everything. Turns out you have to be a superhero to visit BonBon Land. But that's okay because I can talk to animals. I'm also extremely lactose-tolerant. Fun story. No, wait, what's that other thing? Tedious. Tedious Story. I was somewhat more familiar with this park's layout and history because my internet-friend JazzAnden recreated it on the DKMP OpenRCT2 discord server as park of a timeline park "contest." (I was also part of that contest, though my park was entirely made up, and also not as good.) I am telling you this for a reason, though the payoff won't be until the next update, at which point you'll probably have forgotten. This park is very normal. Founded on/with/because of a candy factory in much the same way Knott's was built around a berry farm or Plopsaland De Panne was founded on honey--except that this candy is gross. Or at least it's themed that way. I've never actually had it. I did buy a bag, and brought it home--but strictly for display. Smisty found her jam. And I found mine. I am among my people. Although, my people are apparently very weird. I'm all for a themed log flume--even if that theme is cheese-making sewer rats--but this one had some rough, clunky transitions (not unlike Diamond River at Legendia). *sigh* ... the dogfart coaster There's a bit of this sort of thing. I think this is supposed to be an albatross. But, thanks to Bert, all I can see now is "transvestite chicken." Have you ever wanted to say that you've ridden the very first Eurofighter? I didn't. On the other hand, this spinning coaster was quite good. With the highlight being that bunny hill on the right, which offered a nice pop of airtime whilst the car was spinning. Smisty and I were able to get a car to ourselves, and sit together, early in the day. (And, baby, you don't know what "imbalanced" is until you've ridden with me!) Oh, Henry. You are one gastrointestinally-distressed doggo. Is this the world's longest coaster train? Let's not do any research and just say that it is. Speaking of gastrointestinally-distressed, it was time for a group lunch at gross-candy-themed Danish theme park Mexican buffet. I'm sorry, "Mexican" should really have quotes around it there. If you're worried that this might prove to be too spicy, a.) don't, and b.) congratulations, you are Danish. I was trying to figure out what the turtle's problem was, and then I realized he was skewered on a spinning pole and had chair swings attached to the bottom of his shell. BonBon Land doesn't have a proper dark ride, but they do have an outdoor boat ride with scenery. Which is the next best thing in my book. It's fun how the unload station is just "get out during the ride and then walk into the actual station even though the boat is moving and you're just impatient but no one will be mad at you because you're in Europe so that's fine." And also there's only one ride op and who even knows if there are rules? Just, the best photo ever. My finest work. Hundreds of young people are gathering for the latest craze An acid house party in a disused warehouse This child thinks his hands are guns. Because he's stupid. Super hidden rapids ride. Which is also smelly according to that goat. But I rode it and it was fine. And not even particularly wet (though there is of course an element of randomness). The theme is beavers. But just kind of regular beavers, not gross candy ones. Newer stuff really does not embrace the whole gross mascots thing. Which is sad, but also...yeah. Listen. y'all, I live in Cowboy Town. *salutes in American* Not a dark ride. Dark. And shooty. But not a ride. Just a room with guns. So, like, America. That skeleton has eyes but no skin. Also, where did that other one get their shirt? Because it looks like it's really held up in a way that mine never do. Also, is he a prisoner, or...? Fun story: When I was a kid, I thought if someone got prison time of "life plus [x number of] years" that they just left them in jail for that long after they died. I also thought all dogs were male and all cats were female. This all really explains a lot, huh? I should shut up. Let's get the hell out of here, Hankatten. On a scale of 0-10, with 0 being a park I have no desire to return to in its current state, and 10 being one of my 10 favorite parks, I give BonBon Land a 3. Which is probably not as bad as it sounds, but yeah this park was just okay.

Having experienced all of the touristy things in Copenhagen that were on our list, and with only the TPR welcome dinner on the agenda for this day, we decided to wander around some different areas of the city and also do something beneath us. 05: Down This Toilet We've been to a lot of Ripley's Believe It or Not Museums. Not because they're good, mind you. Call it a guilty pleasure. This was to be our first international one, though. And it also had an attached Hans Christian Andersen "Experience." These places usually mix about half "standard" stuff that can be found at any of their locations and half "original" exhibits that are unique to that location. Or at least I've heard them claim that. This room featured an extremely squeaky floor. On purpose...? I do like this gate that you have to figure out how to open (if you're too stupid to just go around). Spinning tunnel! In 1919, 29-year-old Robert Ripley married actress Beatrice Roberts, who was 14 at the time. Believe it or not! Smisty looking at nothing. (What an attraction!) Whilst Bert and Chuck are deep into actual amusement park updates in their trip reports, I'm still wasting your time with this nonsense. Robert Ripley died in 1949, live on his own television show. Believe it or not! This guy is kind of a big deal 'round these parts. This scene represents Copenhagen, where Hans Christian Andersen lived. And is also the place this is located in. This scene represents some dumb-ass fairy tale in which a young girl suffers while a prince lives a wonderful life. Probably. Most of them are basically that. Smørrebrød are a staple of Danish cuisine. It's usually described as a fancy open-faced sandwich, but that's kind of selling it short. In Summer, the Danes sunbath along the canals. Which is way better than what the Dutch do along their canals. But we didn't come here to look at scantily-clad Scandinavians, we came here for ice cream! This weird bridge is for bicycles. Copenhagen Mall Oh. Oh, no. Copenhagen, please, you can do better than America's most disgusting food-court chain. A Danish board game store. Not in the mall, even though this trip report may make it seem that way. My name is everywhere in this city. Time to meet up with some friends. And nobody got Covid this time! The TPR welcome dinner was at Tivoli Garden's Wagamama, because Elissa. Quite a few members of the group had only recently arrived and choose to explore Tivoli Gardens after dinner, but having already done that, we headed back out into the city. While we're not quite done with Copenhagen, now seems like a good time to mention that I really enjoyed the city and everything it had to offer. I mean, it's no Stockholm, but it's still pretty great. Maybe the real Copenhagen was the friends we made along the way. And maybe, just maybe, we'll actually visit an amusement park in the next update. Whenever that ends up being.

I would just like to point out that the name of that powered coaster is not "T-Rex" "Family Coaster" but rather "T-RexFamily" "Coaster." Ergo, that sign should in fact be understood as "Tyrannosauridae Coaster." I insist.

Tapas!

"The Steadfast Tin Soldier." Thanks for riding the crazy stuff with Smisty!

The Øresund is a combined railway and automotive bridge/tunnel that connects Denmark and Sweden. And I like bridges. So we took a day trip from Copenhagen to Sweden's third largest city, Malmö. But before we go any further, I should warn you that this update may not be entirely safe for work--and is most definitely not safe for dinner. 04: Enjoying Penis Sadly, the Øresund is not super-visible from where we were in Copenhagen, nor from where we started and ended in Malmö, and it would've required quite the side-quest to get close enough to it for a decent photo. So here's a shot from on the train...which is also not particularly good. You're welcome. The Optimist Orchestra welcomes you. No idea what any of this is, but I already love Malmö. Admittedly, the city could use an amusement park. (But Tivoli Gardens is less than an hour away thanks to the Øresund.) What the city does have, though--and you can actually see the outside of the building in the upper left of this photo--is quite possibly the worst attraction in the entire world. And I mean that in a good way. Yes, your ticket is a barf bag, and your bingo card is an invitation to self-harm. But what else would you expect at the Disgusting Food Museum? Yes, disgusting is in the mind of the beholder. With USA's disgusting food contribution turning out to be...A&W Root Beer? Which people is Northern Europe apparently think tastes like toothpaste? I mean...I don't see it, but okay. Vegemite. From Australia, of course. Hey, maybe this isn't going to be so bad! Well, at least it's super-difficult to prepare. Much of the layout. The blue-topped jars are for smelling. You know, just in case looking at this stuff isn't awful enough for you. This sounds made up. Like the food equivalent of those sex position "jokes" like the rusty trombone or whatever. There's no way you could make this one up. But okay, you look at some gross food, you read about it. Maybe take a whiff from a jar. But that's not the same as actually eating this stuff, right? Well, the Disgusting Food Museum agrees with you. Because the last part of the experience is the sample bar. Remember that bingo card? Hey Misty, I think you have some dung beetle stuck in your teeth. Yes, she tried everything. Which is weird, because she's normally one of those super-picky chicken-tenders-and-fries kind of eaters. But bring out the Stinking Bishop Cheese and Three Penis Wine and all of a sudden she's all in. I did not get bingo. But I did try Hákarl. Feel free to google it. Following the DFM, we needed a mental palate cleanser... ...and an actual palate cleanser. I note with some satisfaction that there was no ice cream deemed disgusting enough for inclusion at the DFM. Anyway, I can wholeheartedly recommend the Sweet Spot in Malmö, which I am reasonably sure would've still been great even if we hadn't just eaten a bunch of dare-you-to-try-it garbage foods. In Sweden, when a loved one dies, they bury them in the ground. See, that's why I love to travel. So weird! Our second big attraction in the city is Malmö Castle, which has a long and interesting history that I'm not going to tell you about because it's actually not that interesting even though it isn't really even all that long. Inside is stuff that once was the height of luxury but now looks to my modern butt as mostly uncomfortable. A view of the city from a high castle window. Note the Turning Torso, which is by far the tallest building in Malmö but doesn't have any sort of observation deck, so forget it. The castle also has art. But remember, this isn't Stockholm. Or even Gothenburg. This is Sweden's third largest city. So the art here is melty chairs and stuff. There's also whatever this is! Like, a natural history section, I guess? And, most importantly, a small (but not as small as I expected) aquarium! (Yes, that's why I'm wearing my fish shirt again. I coordinate. Just wait until Legoland!) If you know what kind of jellyfish these are, post a response telling everyone because I've forgotten! And if you don't know what kind of jellyfish these are, post a response with some made up name and see if you can fool me! Or maybe you'll make something up and it'll turn out to be correct! Seems unlikely, but that would be cool! Elon, no! I think you're supposed to sit on the snake...? That's what...he said...? Insert Netherlands joke here. I'll make something up later. Don't worry, I'm not actually going to publish it this way! These murals are probably famous or something. Okay, here's the problem with letting me choose a restaurant in a city I've never been in before. I see someplace that's circus themed and I get all excited because I forget that children exist. And that's who this restaurant is for. This food is awful. But at least there's a lot of it. Which is the problem with letting Smisty order while you're in the bathroom. And some wiener nougat for dessert. You thought there was going to be a Disgusting Food Museum callback here, didn't you? I'm better than that. Malmö's symbol is a griffin. Or is he a mascot? I dunno. He's on the crest. And on this ball thing. Wait...is that supposed to be a globe? Anyway, Malmö is great and I'm glad we visited. Most of my snarky comments were me just trying to be funny. All in good fun, Sweden! Can I move to you, please?

We absolutely never would have seen this ride if someone hadn't posted about it in the group chat. Even actively looking for it, it was tough to find!

We were originally going to visit the aquarium on day 5, but doing the math on our 4-day rail pass and the fact that the aquarium was kind of down near the airport, we decided to move it up to day 3. Is that an interesting introduction? No. But it's the best I've got and I already showed you the whiteboard plan, which this varies from. Which makes this is an absolutely necessary explanation if you're paying a frankly disturbing amount of attention to this trip report. 03: Copenhagen's Most Instagrammable Courtyards Aquariums are like zoos but with air conditioning. They're also mind-bending human hubris. We want to look at these fish but on land and not dead. Hey, I know, let's building a big tank full of ocean a thousand miles inland! Actually, the ocean is right outside of the National Aquarium Denmark. Except they call it the Baltic Sea for some reason. I guess because people didn't realize how far it stretched when they first named it? Common Octopus I'm not being judgmental, the person that named it is. You're special to me, dude. This was supposed to be a photo of undersea plant life. Sorry about the fish in the way. Love an aquarium tunnel. Speaking of human hubris. Looking at food all morning makes me hungry. See, because you can eat fish. And we were looking at fish all morning. Is the joke there. As far as Misty could get from me whilst still technically being at the aquarium. Because of the joke from the previous photo. Is the joke there. She was unhappy with it. So she went over there. To get away from me. But the joke's on her, because she'll never find me now! Damn gravity. Near the aquarium. At first I thought they were little hotel cabins. But nope. Saunas. And we're not even in Finland yet. One of Copenhagen's most instagrammable benches! And now off to the University of Copenhagen Botanical Garden. Leave it to Smisty to take a photo that looks like a renaissance painting. And hey, you can climb stairs to an upper walkway around this green house! On an 80+ degree day. I did not think this through. Honestly, the botanical garden was just okay. A lot of the grounds were blocked off for construction also, so that probably didn't help much. Still better than the associated Natural History Museum though. It's a real combo ticket of yawn! Also, this building not only doesn't have air conditioning, it doesn't even have bathrooms...? So that's weird. What it does have is a large exhibition of award-winning photographs. Which maybe sounds interesting for a second, if you've never been on the internet or heard of magazines. In the gift shop, you can buy rocks. Okay, so for those of you planning a trip to Copenhagen, I hope this has been helpful. As a pallet cleanser, we strolled casually through the King's Garden. (Which should really be renamed the Peoples' Garden, I should think.) The Round Tower was probably my favorite attraction in Copenhagen. (Other than Tivoli Gardens, of course.) Mostly just because it was so weird and interesting. So, basically, instead of stairs, the inside is a big circular ramp, so that horses and carts could travel up it, in order to move big heavy telescopes and such. That's right, it was an observatory. And then there's this adjacent connected building with a church and some other stuff that really messes with your sense of scale as you climb up this "tower." Hey, where are those people going? Oh, to look up and down the hollow core of the tower. Where they've now conveniently installed plexiglass to prevent anyone else from plunging to their death. Nice. Wait, but there are stairs now. Harrumph. Caged Copenhagen. To go up the last little bit, and back down, there's a one-way only staircase with "traffic lights" on a timer. And that works...? It would not work in America. Like, at all. There's also a "one person at a time" set of stairs that goes up just a little higher so that you can get a look at the observatory itself. But my picture of it was kind of meh, so let's just pretend that room doesn't exist. A big history exhibit/classroom/gift shop that's above the church...? Even though the church has a vaulted ceiling, I think? I don't know, this building makes no sense to me. I love it though. Having said that...how is this their magnet? Like, did the photographer miss, and they just went, "Well, can't take it again. Just a one use camera, I reckon. What can you do?" Seriously, this is shite. Okay, I'm good now. My first proper old fashioned Danish ice cream cone. No. Nyhavn. Which is Danish for "Gentrified Amsterdam." Angry signage is the best signage. Why? Because they weren't just angry, they stayed angry. They come in every day, and see this signage they put up, and go, "Yep, perfect." Still Nyhavn, I guess? Or at the very least, still Copenhagen. Okay, that's it for day 3. And while Chuck and Bert are ahead of me in Denmark with their trip reports, we're about to jump to Sweden! Ta-ta!

Yeah, the figure is situated in a way that kind of makes it seem like it's part of Deamonen's entrance.

What's there to do in Copenhagen? Lots of stuff! And we did some of it! 02: Drunk Elephants with Regret See? I really went to a zoo. And how can you tell it's in Denmark? I don't know, the trees or something? Well, you can certainly tell that it's not in America. "Am I boring you, ma'am?" What's you favorite dinosaur? Mine is the brontosaurus, but I don't need to explain myself to you. Not our dino. "Hey, um, could we get a fence or something here? Humans are scary." The Danish word for lion is love. So, yeah, if you're looking for love, maybe try a Danish zoo. Bistro PanPan allows you to enjoy some pretty tasty Asian fare whilst desperately searching the abutting enclosure for some sign of a panda. No really, there's one in there. If you can't see it, it's only because you're not looking hard enough. It's not the photographer's fault. I'd include a photo of the tunnel that goes under the road and over to the giraffes and such, but that would be exactly as interesting as it sounds. Elderly black bear, or world's dirtiest polar bear? You decide! One of the most interesting things about the Copenhagen Zoo is that it contains a 142-foot tall wooden observation tower (as seen here from an aviary). And you can climb it via these luxurious stairs! Pretty nice view of Copenhagen from up here. Maybe we'll just sit down and enjoy the view for a minute. Sorry for my use of the very American "minute." For you Europeans, that translates into roughly 15 "kvaksalvere." Okay, off to the next thing.... Cisternerne is a former underground reservoir now used as a art space. Every year the old exhibition comes out and a new one is installed. Honestly, just the space itself is super cool. And yes, obviously, a bit creepy. I wasn't terribly impressed by the art part of it, though. Looking online at some of the previous years doesn't do much to change my mind either. Still worthwhile though. A quiet Copenhagen street where a Dane might live. That's what they call themselves, Danes. Actually, I don't know for sure that that's true. Maybe it's just what English-speaking people call them. Okay, I looked it up. They call themselves "danskere." Might be a good time to mention that many, many Danes speak fluent English, and just what an embarrassing and humbling gift it is that so much of Europe speaks my home language while requiring me to learn basically nothing. An unquiet Copenhagen street where a Dane might party. Hooray, Smisty's beloved Swedish burger chain has made it to Denmark! Do I like Max Burger because it's actually better than, say, McDonald's, or just because it's more exotic (from my perspective)? Yes. Is this interesting? I can't tell. The Carlsberg (yes, the brewing company) Elephant Gate and Tower. "Larry, when I said we should all get tattoos, I meant like bamboo or something. What the hell, man?" (To be fair, this was way less weird when it was built back in 1901.) Let's end today with something a little more Normal. Yes, there will be more of this nonsense. In fact, we're just getting started.

Hej! Erik & Smisty here. You may remember us from such trip reports as Erik & Smisty & TPR do Holland, Poland, and Swedeland and Erik & Smisty & TPR do Germany, Belgium, and France. Well, it's time to complete the trilogy! To make it easier on myself this time, I'm going to break this up into much smaller parts than those previous ones. In fact, I'm basically just going to post one day at a time. So let's get started with a nice short Day 1, in which we left Seattle at 11:57am on Tuesday, 5/30/23 and arrived in Copenhagen at 11:40am on Wednesday, 5/31/23. Right, so this is Day 2 actually. Or, um, Days 1 & 2? Whatever, it doesn't matter. Lazy Links 01: Fragile Days 02: Drunk Elephants with Regret 03: Copenhagen's Most Instagrammable Courtyards 04: Enjoying Penis 05: Down This Toilet 06: Authentic Taco Toast 07: The Flying Trunk 08: Braking off the Chain 09: Frog Frog Frog 10: My Sense of Your Sense of Language 11: Hammer & Sword 12: Hooked on Fønix 13: Today in the Dog 14: Norway Jose 15: You Can't Put Shoes on a Shark 16: Godiscupcake 17: How You Do Anything Is How You Do Everything 18: Science Gun 19: Another Way to Stimulate Lions 20: Blue Train 21: Delicious Nut Cheese 22: The Happiest People in the World 23: Mixed Blueberry Feelings 24: Born To Boom 25: Sampo Circus 26: Cork Is Sorry 27: The Holy Grail of Vertical Conveyances 28: Big Finnish 01: Fragile Days Yes, we begin at the world famous Tivoli Gardens where we've apparently stumbled onto some sort of race. But no, that's not where we start! We start with planning. Endless, endless planning. Because that's who we are. And then of course there's the flight. During which your boy turned on the charm in order to score himself two desserts. Or maybe I just stole Smisty's. It's hard to remember. Then a quick train ride from the airport and a short walk to the hotel for a nap. Then we wandered through the streets of Copenhagen. And then to Tivoli Gardens! But mostly just to look around, soak in the atmosphere, and get some food. Rides will happen later, with TPR. But first we have like four days to do Erik & Smisty things. Coming soon! Or, you know, soon-ish-ly. Fine. Eventually. Look, it'll happen when it happens, okay? Next up, Day 2! Or, um, 3, depending on how you count.

I believe you mean "Taco Toast."

Nothing gets me hyped like a video of a logo!

They're both the worst/most haunted room in the Overlook Hotel in The Shining. 217 in the book, 237 in the movie.

Honestly, I was surprised it was still there on my last visit (December 2022). I much preferred the first version, though it admittedly made no sense story-wise. Really cool to have such an elaborate walk-through exist in the park, but the inside never really lived up to the outside.

I feel like you probably would've remembered it. It was really good! If it makes you feel any better, we didn't ride Torrne 2 Zeus!

Pretty sure you imagined that. There wasn't a proper dark ride that I could find. There was a mostly outdoor boat ride with scenes, a car ride with scenes, a walk through about the comic strip, and a mad house. The castle was one end of a short indoor section with shops that seemed like it used to have more stuff in it and maybe was once a more important part of the park. At least, that's how I remember it. Of course, we were in pretty bad shape by then, and left early. Still thought this park was pretty cool. I wonder how much more I would've liked it if I wasn't exhausted and unwell at that point.

Personalty, I prefer Mako to VelociCoaster. I'm sure I'm in the minority on that, but yeah SeaWorld.

Me! It disappointed me!

I submit to you that I am not "slow," but rather a master of suspense. Anyway, here it is, the fourth and final installment of our 2022 trip to Europe, in which I mostly complain about Disney. So enjoy that. And, also, there are people who started 2019 trip reports that still haven't finished them, so cram it. Nah, I'm just joshin' ya'. I love you guys! Part 4: America in France Welcome to Parc Asterix, a place I honestly knew very little about going in. In fact, I pretty much just knew they had Tonnerre de Zeus and Goudurix and that the park was themed around a French newspaper cartoon. When I heard you could ride an ass on their carousel, this isn't quite what I'd pictured. This park is actually pretty great. I really liked it. Yes, that's my caption. I'm already out of jokes. I don't remember the names of any of these rides, but I'm definitely counting them both as credits. By which I mean I'm giving the park credit for having a dark ride, even though it doesn't really have one, strictly speaking. This boat ride works, though. Actually, most of the ride names in this park seem a bit unimaginative, even in French, mostly being variations of "Caesar's Spinning Thing" or somesuch. We interrupt this trip report to insert a random photo of Montu. Actually, I liked this better than Montu. And quite a lot better than Black Mamba. You should know by now the kind of trickery I engage in when putting these trip reports together. This is a restaurant, and the next photo is of food. And yet...! ...this food is not from that restaurant! In fact, I'm not even sure what this food is. Pizza? Or like quiche? We'll just go with quiche pizza. I love these kinds of car rides. But while I do usually enjoy them, I am also frequently just a little bit disappointed that there isn't more to them. But not in this case. This thing was great. Scenery, animatronics, buildings you go through with scenery and animatronics. This might just be my new favorite car ride and I had no idea this park even had a car ride. In fact, I liked it so much I'm going to go look up the name of it! Hang on. "Nationale 7" Right. I did mention that the ride names were largely kind of bland, didn't I? The ride isn't bland though. I just put "Nationale 7" through google translate and it shocking didn't come back as "driving past old people having sex in a barn." You've seen this photo, right? Or a version of it? Well, just in case you haven't, here you go. The park has a couple of these indoor areas that feel mostly abandoned. Which is a shame because they're really cool even without the shops, restaurants, and little attractions that look like used to exist within them. Goudurix is the one clear exception to the bland ride name rule, apparently translating as "the taste of danger." It's reputation, as I'm sure you're aware, is that it's maybe the most painful coaster in existence. It was closed most of the day, apparently for mechanical problems. Actually, it may have been closed all day. I have no idea. I never intended to ride it. We also didn't ride Tonnerre 2 Zeus, but did intend to. It just kind of ended up being later in the day for us, and right after we got it line, it went down. It probably reopened, but we never made it back. It may seem strange to hear me be so blasé about it, but as awesome as these trips are, they can also sort of end up being like a Brazilian steakhouse. Yes, all this food is amazing and I'm paying the same amount regardless and I really would like to try this cut of meat because I've never had it before but also I'm about to fall asleep and I'm currently covered in bruises and you expect me to backtrack to ride something that may or may not be open by the time I get there? I think I'll just head to the hotel and take a nap, thanks. You get the idea, I'm sure. We never skip a water cups ride, though. The park didn't even make them do this! This was the trip of madhouses and we rode all of them. This was the best, as the story involved some sort of experimental medieval submarine being attached by a giant octopus. (Maybe...? I mean, it was in French and I don't speak French, so I may have misunderstood some of the finer details. It was great though. ) Yeah, Parc Asterix was quite good. Thus endeth the last official park of the trip, but this report is just getting started! Yeah, sorry, there's a whole bunch more. Back in Paris, where cars rule and there are no rules for cars. One of those famous Parisian street cafes you're always hearing about. We're pretty big zoo and aquarium fans, so we wanted to check out Paris's zoo. And...it was fine, but I'm just about ready to add zoos to the short list of things the US is better at (along with airports and desserts). Still, it's always fun to look at long-necked horsies. Chubby sea lions. Sometimes people are in the way of your photo, and sometime people make your photo. The Biozone Amazonie-Guyane. Or for those of you that don't speak French, the Amazonia-Guyana Biozone. You're welcome. Statement. Maximum security. Reserved for large cats that have repeatedly escaped. It's a perfectly pleasant zoo, but probably doesn't need to be super high up on most peoples' list of places to visit in Paris. Disneyland Paris! Okay, here we go. I'll try not to belabor the point, but I'm not a huge Disney fan. I used to be. I grew up with Disneyland and loved it. But I got older and Disney and I grew apart. Maybe the best way to explain where I'm at now is this: I love Disney's rides--especially the classic older ones--but I hate what I have to do to get to them. Which is to say, I dislike the Disney park "experience." Still, we elected to visit Disneyland Paris because we'd never been and we wanted to see it. And we stacked the deck to give us every advantage we could, staying at an on-property hotel and buying their best/most expensive fast pass option. Did this help? Yes, it dulled the Disney negatives a bit. So success. But...yeah, it didn't really change my mind about Disney parks overall. Sleeping Beauty's castle is quite nice, both inside and out. Hey, it's a famously unique-to-Disneyland-Paris thing! Just a quick visit that first night, and then we went to the Rainforest Cafe. Why? I don't know, man. Because it was funny...? Our first full day at Disneyland Paris began with the second gate, Walt Disney Studios Paris. Gross. This area is nice, though. I enjoyed the 3 little flat rides and the fun theming. Doesn't really look like a Disney ride, does it? These cuddle up whip things are always fun. Several cars out of commission for first thing in the morning at a park that should be able to afford the very best maintenance, though. Hey, I'm just saying. A bold choice to include a map of a better area at a better park. Crush's Coaster is the big unique ride at this park, and it's fun. But it is mostly just a spinning coaster in a box, and its wait times are intense. Of course, we had the pay fast passes, which still resulted in around a 20 minute wait. Which is not a complaint. Well, actually it is. But I'm not complaining about waiting 20 minutes after buying a fast pass. No, I get that. I'm complaining about Disney deliberately putting in a low capacity ride, knowing full well what kind of lines it would generate, when they could easily have created something similar or better with much better capacity by spending a bit more money that they obviously had. But they went cheap because they knew they could get away with it and pass that misery onto you. And yes, I already knew all of this when I decided to go. But this is why I no longer go to Disney parks very often. Also note that staying on-site gave us 60 minutes of early access. But also note that you can't use your pay fast passes during that hour, and (especially at Disneyland Paris) many of the smaller rides aren't open during that hour. It's just like, a bunch of weird math pop quizzes to negotiate at every turn. I suspect that big Disney Park fans like the challenge. They're like couponers. They just really enjoy feeling like they outsmarted the system. Like people dropping $100 into slot machines in Vegas while patting themselves on the back that they got two free drinks. Okay, okay. I'm okay. Deep breathes. I can do this. Keep positive. The best ride at Walt Disney Studios Paris, at least in my opinion, is not exactly unique. But I don't care. I'm always down to ride Tower of Terror. I don't even care that it's the "lesser" version without the 5th dimension scene. It's still great. Interestingly enough, what really makes this one unique, is the strange focus on the little girl character. Do French people find little girls especially creepy or something? Is that a cultural thing? It's the same characters from the Orlando and original California versions, but the little girl becomes the centerpiece of almost ever scene in a way I found really weird and highly amusing. We experienced a breakdown about halfway through the cycle, sat for a few minutes, got cycled off, and were then given a proper full ride, so that was fun and interesting. (Not sarcasm, for clarity. I just don't know how to say it in a way that doesn't sound sarcastic. To be honest, I don't really know how to say anything that doesn't sound sarcastic. It's just who I am.) Ratatouille is a solid trackless dark ride that of course now also exists at Epcot. I quite liked it, but I have the same minor complaint that I had about Mouse au Chocolat at Phantasialand--which is that the 3-D glasses make the real non-screen scenery look a bit muddled, which is a shame because that all looks quite good if you take the glasses off. But then of course you need them on for the 3-D screens. Next door is the wonderfully themed and beautiful Bistrot Chez Rémy. The food is pretty good also, but really I'm recommending it for the decor. And by "recommend it," I mean make sure you make reservations 2 months in advance or resign yourself to waiting in long lines to eat at a cart because this is a Disney park. Their disaster canyon tram ride has been rethemed to Cars Road Trip. It's pretty weak, but at least it has amazing capacity, so you shouldn't need to wait long. Back to our soulless hotel, the Cheyenne. This is themed to Woody from Toy Story. But also kind of not...? I assume they're trying to appeal to both children and adults by being both Toy Story but also just generic old west...? It did the job and it was close enough to the parks, so yeah, pretty good. This is outside the nearby Hotel Santa Fe, which is similarly kind-of-themed to Cars. You probably know that Walt Disney Studios Paris is a bit lacking in terms of number of attractions. But what you might not know is that Disneyland Paris is similarly afflicted--perhaps not compared to its second gate, but certainly when compared to Disneyland or even Magic Kingdom. Main Street has two side "hallways" that run the length of it, creating more footpath to get in and out from the entrance to the hub. No doubt hugely beneficial during parades and such. I'm for it, but one amusing thing is that Disney lists these pathways as attractions on the park map, and the symbol it uses for attractions is a little coaster car--creating the hilarious implication that Disney considers this hallway to be a roller-coaster. Buzz Lightyear's Laser Rangers or whatever is fine and fun and pretty much the same (other than being in French, of course). I was told I got the highest score in the park's history. Which makes sense. Autopia is fun. It's interesting to think that when I was a kid the entire point seemed to be to run into the car in front of you. But then again kids are jerks. Kids, but not jerks. (Unless you own Disney stock. Then you probably think we're jerks.) The Nautilus was closed during the 3 or 4 days we were around. As was 'it's a small world,' the Disneyland Railroad, Mickey's PhilharMagic, Swiss Family Treehouse, the Pirate Galleon, and probably some other minor stuff that I've forgotten. But, hey, what do you expect when you visit in July? Here's a shot of Star Wars Hyperspace Mountain broken down. We did ride it a bit later and it didn't hurt me too bad but also isn't something I ever need to ride again. That probably says more about me than Disney, though. Smisty built her own droid in the Star Tours gift shop. Pretty much just a red R2-D2 with a sombrero. So basically the greatest droid ever. The best Pixar movie. A little snack stand in Fantasyland. So why include a photo of it? Because they had bitterballen! Storybooklandcanalboats. Casey Jr. goes over the stone bridge. I like that these are here. Another unique-to-Disneyland Paris thing is Alice's Curious Labyrinth. I was a bit worried about how this would work capacity-wise, but it wasn't too crowded when we went. Maybe it's just not that popular. I enjoyed it, though. Almost an observation tower! You know how I mentioned that Disneyland Paris feels pretty light attractions-wise? Well, it's in Adventureland and Frontierland that you really feel it. Adventureland has an Indiana Jones coaster and Pirates, and Frontierland has Big Thunder and Phantom Manor. There is a handful of other small attractions (most of which were closed while we were there), but what there isn't is: Splash Mountain, Winnie the Pooh, Country Bear Jamboree, Enchanted Tiki Room, and/or Jungle Cruise. Interestingly, this means that there are no rides at the resort that get guests wet. But I guess you can just go to Parc Asterix for that. And also to have fun. Zing! Okay, okay. You can probably guess how I feel about this. Pirates of the Caribbean is legitimately interesting. It pretty much has all the same scenes as the one at Disneyland, but in a completely different order. Which is fascinating if you're super familiar with Disneyland's but have never been on this one. Featuring Johnny Depp speaking French! Looks cool. Closed. This was open, though. Love a rope bridge. Or a bouncy bridge. Any kind of bridge really. If Disneyland Paris was one big bridge, I'd probably be singing a very different tune, is what I'm saying. Most people say this is the best Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. And I don't know, maybe. The tunnels between the station and the island are cool, no doubt, but this one felt a big rougher than the others I've ridden. Lots of push/pull. Maybe I just caught it on a bad day or whatever. Phantom Manor might've been the highlight of the resort for me. I'm not saying it's better than Disneyland or Magic Kingdom's Haunted Mansions. They're all sort of dynamically equal to me. But this one has lots and lots of unique elements that I really enjoyed, and I'm really happy I got to ride it a few times, because it's really good and also super interesting if you've been on the other ones a bunch of times. I almost want to say I like this one the best...but there are a couple of things missing that I miss. Oh, what the heck, I'll give Disneyland Paris this one. Sign me up as happy haunt #100! Ah. Okay, sorry for being such a Disney hater. But, but, but...I really did enjoy the rides! Especially Tower of Terror; Ratatouille; Pirates of the Caribbean; Snow White, Pinocchio, and Peter Pan in Fantasyland--which I didn't mention but did ride; Buzz Lightyear; Star Tours; and Autopia. Crush's Coaster was fun, and all the little Toy Story rides were good. They're all just hard to get to. And I don't just mean because they're in France. Delta One both ways, not because I'm rich but because I'm too old to prioritize money over comfort at this point. Bonus points for anyone who can identify the movie onscreen. That's it! Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for my visit to Walt Disney World next month!