Electerik

Well, we're about halfway through the trip, and it's time to leave Denmark for good and head to Norway. So it'll just be a short "travel day" update. 14: Delicious Nut Cheese And how does one get from Denmark to Norway? Well, I suppose one could fly, but where's the fun in that? This ferry was a bit different, in that we had to get off the bus and board individually. Here's most of our group mixed with a bunch of randos, while I watch from the heavens like a god. Everyone on the ferry gets an assigned seat. Ours were in the buffet. Thanks, Elissa. You really know us. Apparently, Robb wasn't allowed to buy any more stuffed animals. So Smisty ran off and bought one for him...? I don't know. I don't get involved in such things. I was too busy with the 4-hour buffet. I've been on plenty of ferries--I live in Seattle. But I daresay this is the biggest ferry I've ever been on. We boarded on foot, but we leave on the bus. After a bit of a tight squeeze to get back on, mind you. I don't know what bridge this is, but...welcome to Norway! In front of our hotel is this lovely statue of Fry and Frya, twin babies who were raised by halibut and founded Oslo, according to Norwegian mythology. So, our hotel was two stories tall but quite long, with elevators only on one side and stairs that were emergency use only. As a result, the shortest path to our particular room was a bit of a trek. PXL_20230613_190317639.mp4 If this is impossible to watch--or just painfully unfunny--my apologies. I don't normally do video. The view from our room made the long walk worth it, though. Also, we could walk right from the hotel lobby into this mall/transportation hub. Now where have I seen this before? We had a couple hours left in the day for sightseeing in Oslo. Some people went much farther than us, and stayed out much later--but we're old and need our sleep, so we kept pretty close to the hotel. Luckily, there was some good stuff nearby. I mean, I say "luckily," but I guess I really should say, "Elissaly," as the hotel being near good stuff was certainly no accident. The Oslo Opera House is designed to be walked up, serving as a sort of public park/observation deck, and giving some pretty nice views of the harbor. A bit of the view, and a bit of the inside. Mexican food is a big deal for both Smisty and I, and because we're weird, we can't help but to keep trying Northern Europe's weird takes on Mexican food. But Oslo was different. El Camino was analogous to Chipotle. Now, sure, Chipotle isn't exactly authentic, per se--but it is closer to real Mexican food than the pickled onions and taco toast we'd been "enjoying" everywhere else in the region. Which is less an actual endorsement of El Camino, I suppose, and more just something I found interesting. I wouldn't say that we really saw everything that Oslo had to offer, but I did very much enjoy what we were able to explore. Thor's Hammer. But not the roller coaster at Djurs Sommerland. I must say it's quite interesting that Scandinavia wants to keep naming things "Thor's Hammer," when I as an American know the actual name of the thing. But nope, no Mjolnir round these parts, just "Thor's Hammer." Goodbye, Oslo. I can't imagine that I'll ever be back--but I'd certainly welcome returning. Next time: Thor's Hammer!

LEGO House has been on our radar for a few years now, but just didn't seem like the kind of place we were likely to get to. But when this trip came up, it suddenly started to feel like a possibility, existing just down the road from Legoland Billund. Still, some logistical challenges remained. Basically, we would have to take 2 or 3 hours away from an already short-ish operating day at the world's fullest Legoland (which looked quite good and which we had also never been to). Would we be able to pull it off without shortchanging ourselves in the park? Am I trying to build suspense for some reason? Am I going to name this update "No Butter No Chicken"? The answers lie ahead.... 13: Today in the Dog Enough Daniel! It's Erik's special day! This shirt proved very popular with both the staff and the park's patrons. Full disclosure: I'd only ever been to one other Legoland Park, Florida's. Which I quite like. But, of course, that park has an interesting mixed-cultural parentage. Which is sort of its claim to fame. Billund's claim to fame is that it has a whole slew of rides that the other parks just don't. Much of Legoland Billund, with Lego Campus and LEGO House both in the distance. The park has 4 roller coasters, 3 of which are roller coasters, and none of which are particularly good. Most in the group seemed to like this one, Polar X-Plorer. The Lego Movie World section before park open. Lots of nice details, though the area does feel a little cramped. Yes, it's a flying theater! Turns out that Dansk for "Awesome" is "Super Duper!" I've no idea what "Today in the Dog" means. It was fun. But the smell-effects only worked on one side of it...!? World's Least Wild Wild Mouse Indoor/Outdoor Pirate Ride (though not nearly as elaborate as a Disney Pirate Ride). Le-Go, Le-Go, a plastic life for me! That's terrible. The queue for Dragen. The dark ride section at the beginning is quite similar to the one in Florida, but I don't think this works as well as a powered coaster, personally. Legoland Billund has a full scale (in terms of boats and trough-width) miniature (in terms of height) log flume! It basically just goes up, cruises past some Lego animals, and then ends in a small drop. But it's fun. Careful, Mr. Spider, those children really hurt if you step on one. A Legoland haunted house? Mostly a walk-through... ...that ends with an enclosed mini drop tower. Maybe the best attraction here? There was a walk-up selling different kinds of fancy hot dogs, and one that had steak instead of the hot dog. So I asked if I could get the steak on the hot dog, and the man shed a single tear and whispered, "American." Hey, I've been to the real version of this place! Now, when was that? Oh, like, 10 days ago. There's a miniature of the LEGO House in Legoland Billund. Which kind of makes sense, but is still interesting in historical context. The quick and dirty version: Lego, doing quite well with their product and their factory tour, decides to build a theme park. Then comes more theme parks. Then comes hard financial times and they sell off the theme parks in order to survive. They recover and try to buy the theme parks back, but no luck. So, back in their original position of doing quite well with their product, they build the LEGO House. So LEGO owns LEGO House, but not Legoland. However, Lego started an investment company a couple of years back that now has a 30% stake in Merlin, who currently own the Legoland parks. So...yeah. Man, all that corporate business talk has made me hungry. Time for group lunch at the pizza buffet! Traditional Danish hot dog and corn pizza. You already know if I used this as the title of this update, but I don't. Legoland Billund has a SeaLife Aquarium, but it's a bit smaller in scale and included with park admission. Yup, it's a real aquarium. Lego theming is the easiest theming. A view of the entry midway from the main store. At this point, we've decided to go for the LEGO House. And here it is! That wasn't so bad. The CreativiTree. It's not called that. Hang on. "Tree of Creativity" Wow. Mine is actually better. Is this better than a theme park? Well, no. But as someone who was into Lego as a kid, but doesn't do anything with them now, I'd say the LEGO House is still pretty cool, and well worth a visit. I might need help with this caption. Bert? The basement level is more museum-like. You order your food by putting Lego together. Like, a blue brick equals a tuna sandwich, and a red brick equals an apple, or whatever. We ran into AJ, who (as far as I know) is the only other member of our group to head over here. For clarity, this is not a photo of AJ, but rather of an elevator shaft. See, many parts of the LEGO House are free, included roof access. Which I had no idea was even a thing and probably would've missed if not for AJ. Looking back at Lego Campus and Legoland. It took all of our strength not to check this out. And, in different circumstances. But we were already on a pretty tight schedule, and there were still things back at the park we hadn't done yet. So LEGO House, yes. Teddy Bear Art Museum, unfortunately no. LEGO Campus. Not really for civilians and more of a fun-for-employees headquarters. We made no attempt to enter. We also passed by a couple of Lego Hotels on the way back to the park. So many transportation rides. Time for a shooting dark ride but karate chops instead of guns and also you can't do it! A classic Legoland "let the kids play with Lego while the adults wait in line" setup. Is it a good dark ride? I dunno, I spent most of it trying to figure out what hand movements to make to actually shoot at the targets. But maybe it's not really for me. I bet the kids figure it our right away. Ah well. Stupid kids. Lego sex is only for the very brave. Smisty insisted on a plushy. I tried to talk her out of it. I did not succeed. Legoland Billund also has a rapids ride. Yes, I know this is a photo of pigs. Look behind them. Complete with a vertical lift and a drop. The more normal shooting dark ride, The Temple. A pretty common Legoland ride. Basically, this park has most of the common ones, and then a bunch of rare and unique ones. Okay, time to make like a mummy and Lego. That made no sense. Score: 7

My wife can claim she's ridden 2. Because of that one at Walygator, you see. I mean, I rode both of them also. This isn't working.

So did I. But a quick internet search suggested porcupine. Then you posted this, and I searched a bit deeper, and now I have no idea. We'll go with hedgehog.

Fårup Sommerland is located...um, I dunno, in Denmark somewhere. I wasn't driving. But it definitely felt remote! Or at least out in the woods. The park is wooded. That's what I should've said. 12: Hooked on Fønix If there's an award for "Worst Park Layout," Fårup Sommerland wins. (Or, um loses?) It's just dead ends on dead ends. It's like Six Flags Over Georgia had a baby with Six Flags Over Texas and it died. Okay, that was dark. To be fair, a bad layout doesn't actually ruin a park, in my opinion. In fact, this park is pretty good. And it is mostly flat, so I guess it's not that bad. Look, I have to talk about something, okay? Dammit, Daniel. I'm trying to take a photo of Smisty! This ride actually has a really interesting layout. And the straight sections were pretty smooth. But the turns were super shuffle-y. Orkanen is one of those fun Vekoma family suspended coasters that dives into an underwater tunnel. There are better places to take photos of it, but I like this one. In the background, on the left, you can just make out the park's onsite hotel. [Transition!] I think the official lunch was another pizza buffet, but I wanted to check out the hotel restaurant, and avoid a possible rush by eating lunch early. Which worked out spectacularly. Food was pretty good, too. And they even had ice! Fårup means "sheep's cry." I did not see any sheep in the park. Their mascot is a hedgehog. My wife refused to wait one more train to ride in the front seat. Or, to put it another way, will use any excuse to not sit with me. Fårup Rafting was mildly fun and not too wet. We hung out with Hawk and Doug a lot at this park. Or, to put it another way, they had a hard time avoiding us. I blame the dead ends. The queue for the rickety spin mouse is not wheelchair accessible. Flagermusen spun a lot for our unbalanced asses. Wild in the best way. Flagermusen means "bat." Getting from there to Dracula is up to you. Lynet means "lightning." And Gerstlauer over-the-shoulder-restraints means "not riding." This looks inviting. An outdoor obstacle course maze and slides kind of thing. Followed by an indoor fun house crooked house kind of thing. Not sure how I got Misty in here, but this was the only time for all three European trips. Wasn't sure what this was, exactly--but it looked cool from out here, so we went in. Turned out to be a roller skater. And kind of rough and bumpy compared to most. But surrounded by trees, so that was cool. Another park without a proper dark ride, but at least it had this outdoor tracked car ride. SMIIIL The last train of the morning that got to ride again if they participated in a "hand, shoulders, knees, and toes" demonstration and sing along. Another look at the Saven family boomerang, this time from the park's train. More Danish Mexican food, because we just can't help ourselves. Fårup Sommerland also has the largest water park in the country. A fact I'm choosing to share with you in conjunction with this photo of sand. I like how this little carousel has photo of other rides in the park. The pirate ship is actually part of the "advanced" obstacle course. I think. I didn't go anywhere near the thing. Was too busy defending my ice cream. Fun story. Back when we were at Tivoli Friheden, I sent some work friends back home that photo of Smisty on the Ferris wheel with the Space Needle fan, and they recreated it with a homemade "Tivoli Friheden" fan. This started a whole weird thing, of which the following might've been the highlight: So there you go. We like log flumes. And we were going to ride this one. But when we got up to the station, the ride op insisted that we ride up front together. Not so that more people could ride with us, mind you, but "to balance the log and keep you from getting so wet." Now, I've never been on this particular log flume, so I could be wrong...but that don't sound right to me. Also, the station looked like this. So we bailed. Rides are like dark alleys. If it doesn't feel right, don't go. Okay, now, I don't normally do this. I try to be very selective with what I post. But I'm going to spend the rest of this report just spamming Fønix photos: Like an octopus in the wilderness. You heard me. Me: "These restraints are really good for me." Someone else on the trip: "These restraints are good for everybody." This ride is so smooth, so well-engineered, so..."confident"...that it makes all other manufacturers look like amateurs. The best coaster of the trip, for my money. Didn't think I'd like the stall very much, but I did. At this point, new Vekoma might be able to make me like broccoli. As great as it is, I do prefer Lech. Fønix has more airtime--but Lech is wilder, more out of control, and more intense. None of which should be taken as a slight on Fønix, which currently sits at #3 on my top 10 coaster list. Smisty says Fønix is her favorite steel coaster. And she's also been on Lech, so there you go. Fårup Sommerland's score: 8 (But it's mostly that high because of Fønix.) Next time: The debut of a new shirt!

It was a blatant ploy to get replies. And also I didn't have one. My "random hot dudes" folder seems to be empty, for some reason.

Still comfortably ensconced at our Zleep Aarhus hotel, it was time to venture out to our first Sommerland, Djurs. 11: Hammer & Sword You never want to be late. So we're usually first. Which leads to arty photos of nerds milling around the entrance. Wild Asia is home to no animals. (I don't know, it just sounds like an area that would have animals. I think it's the "wild" part.) But. it is home to an Intamin family invert called DrageKongen, which means "Drag King." I'm sorry. "Drag on King." And it was fine, I guess? I dunno, it's been like 4 months now. I rode a lot of stuff. Some of the elements were kind of crunchy, I think? Does that help? The last two European trips had a lot of log flumes with reversing sections. That really wasn't a thing this time. Instead, there were a lot of log flumes that had two drops that crossed over each other and just went up and right back down. If you don't understand what I'm describing, I insist that it is your fault. My explanations are flawless. Bert and Big Mike enjoying their ride on Long Cun. I'll leave it to you to decided which dirty mispronunciation is funnier. If there was an award for "best themes" for a park's areas--and there is, surprise!--it has to go to Djurs Sommerland, which has areas themed to pirates, vikings, farm animals, and dinosaurs (among other things). Lunch was at the Dino Pizza buffet...which was a bit of a disaster, honestly. They opened at noon and were immediately overwhelmed. Of course, it was a busy Saturday. And I'm a firm believer that you're not stuck in traffic, you are traffic. Still, it's no fun to get to the front of the line to discover that there are no trays, no plates, and no pizza. But hey, at least there was salad, knives, and napkins. Make it work, man. Djurs does not have a proper dark ride. But it does have this long and highly enjoyable outdoor tracked ride with indoor sections and absolutely no reason for the mix of dig site excavation work and real actual dinosaurs and also King Kong for some reason and I love it. Oh, oh, oh! And! This is great. There are small seats up front for kids, and big seats in the back for adults. And at one point, the front seats get squirted with water, but the back seats don't. Which is brilliant, because kids love getting randomly squirted with water and adults usually don't. It's the little things, you know? He's guarding that oil! (Perhaps a relative?) Right next to the jeep ride, we have the powered T-RexFamily Coaster. (Hey, that's how it's written on the sign.) Both rides exit into the same gift shop, where your wife can buy goofy little dino stamps she can put all over your arms and legs for the rest of the day. SpinOsaurus. (Or, um, spine-osuarus?) My dog's name is Disco. Viking-land! Probably actually called something else! I'm too lazy to look it up! Where little vikings learn to be tough. Where adult vikings learn to drink goat piss beer. Thor's Hammer - the Gerstlauer bobsled coaster. Of course, in Norse mythology, Thor's hammer has a name (Mjölnir). But this is not called that. This is called Thor's Hammer. Quite a fun ride. Especially if you like stagnant water. Or Gerstlauer bobsled coasters. Which I do. The second one. Not the stagnant water. The ride's exit gift shop sells proper ice cream. So, yeah, best ride ever. Are we really calling these things "straddle coasters"? Because that's awful. As anyone who has even been to Mexico can tell you, the place is lousy with ATV's. It's fun. That's my review. "Straddle coaster." Jesus. Either this ride was called Quetzalcoatl or I just want it to have been. Um...what? This photo reminds me that the Djurs ride ops have area-specific themed uniforms. Which is odd because this photo does not show that. But I do have another one that does. You can't see it though. I don't have a joke here. Or even an informative opinion. Didn't ride it. The line was too long. I don't like lines. I have a poorly chosen hobby. Luckily, it's cheap. Wait. A game where you shoot real guns. Step aside, Danes, Mr. America is here. I'm just kidding. Why would I pay for something I can do for free at home? I think we can sneak past that guy. The "kill yo self" area of the park. This area is themed after George Orwell's 1945 romp, Animal Farm. I feel stalked. Muddy Pigs! Pirate Land is very cool. However, it is also a fairly long dead end in which bathrooms are only located at the front. I guess pirates just go in the water. Don't you try it though, or you'll find out just how un-pirate-y these posers really are. I haven't quite figured out if piranha are just called pirate fish in Dansk, or... Nope, I've figured it out. It's that. Baby log flume! Daniel, it's for BABIES. There were a couple of these on the trip. I must say that it looks like a rather dull trip back to the station. Some nice theming though. Pirates. It's themed to pirates. This is Daniel's favorite kind of flat ride. I'm not sure why this is all about Daniel all of a sudden. I mean, I guess it's always kind of all about Daniel. Would you like to hear the story of how it took both the world's hunkiest maintenance guy and the literal park owner to get my seatbelt to connect? No? Well, your loss. It's a pretty great story. Okay, who wants to pose with the sword for me before the game begins? Goddammit, Daniel. Best park of the trip to this point? Yes. Final Pirate Score: 9 Djurbloons Stay tuned for our next installment (if I ever get around to it) featuring the best coaster of the trip!

Did you? I've no idea. I don't read your stuff.

The next park on the trip was Tivoli Friheden. We knew this park was unlikely to occupy us for the entire day, but the entire day we had. Luckily, we were in Denmark's second largest city, Aarhus, which had plenty of other stuff to do.... 10: My Sense of Your Sense of Language A nice simple entrance. Looks like it confused Daniel, though. This is the best theme park logo I've ever seen. The main draw here is the last remaining SCAD tower. It's not so much a ride as just being dropped into a net. Of course, I have a medical condition that prevented me from experiencing it: cowardice. Also, they strap a flat plastic mat to your back and I have scoliosis. I might also weight too much? At the very least, I'm right on the line. What I'm getting at here is that I didn't ride it, had no interest in riding it, probably shouldn't ride it, and also no. Smisty also passed. But lots of folks did do it, and some maybe even enjoyed it...? Don't worry though, I kept myself occupied by eating all of the ice cream and not sharing with any deadbeat broke-ass children. What else does this park have? Well, some pretty nice landscaping, fountains, and a fun house of illusions. Interesting that there was an upper level where you could look down on the mirror maze area. Not much to write home about on the coaster front. Just a very slow-moving "not particularly spinny" spin mouse and an SBF Visa spinner. Of course, the park used to have another, more thrilling coaster. And by "more thrilling," I of course mean that you might non-metaphorically die. Speaking of death, you can also hunt zombies in this weird new-school meets old-school dark ride. Okay, so, imagine that you wanted to combine a classic dark ride with a modern one. If you aced it, if you did absolutely everything right, you'd have created something like Blue Train at Gröna Lund. If, on the other hand, you completely botched the job, you would have this. However, in all fairness, I still really liked it. (Maybe not for all the right reasons, but nevertheless.) #beesforreed Ooh, a Ferris Wheel! But first, let's have some PIT.sa! Not a lot of great food options available. It looked like there was a full service restaurant at the back, but it was closed for a private event. This pizza buffet was passable, though. Smisty repping Seattle. Looking back towards the front of the park. Erik's score for Tivoli Friheden: 2 I still had fun. Don't be tricked into thinking a 2 means that I hated it. My ratings are so inscrutable as to be counterproductive to include them at all. You're welcome. Construction update! We enjoy walking. Especially around new places. And, you know, Europe. And across streets on green viking walk signs. This is a parking garage and transportation hub. This building houses the Gender Museum. Which sounded weird enough for us to check out. Okay. Honestly, I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. I put my balls in the barometer, but like the rest of the museum, it was disappointingly uninteresting. This is a little better, I guess. I don't know. Just kind of meh. Aarhus (in the middle of our street). Down this rather suspicious stairway lies a viking museum. But I mean, if you get robbed or murdered at a viking museum, can you really complain? This is pretty much it. There's not even an employee. Just a machine to buy tickets from and a sign telling you that you really should buy a ticket. But don't worry, the third museum is really going to hit! Can you even call yourself a European city if you don't have a canal? ARoS Aarhus Art Museum Spoiler: This place was great. One of the best museums we've been to. Just lots of different interesting types of art. Handy floor guide. That was not a hand pun. But now I guess it is, no matter what I say. "Your Rainbow Panorama" An art and an observation deck. What could be better? My first thought was penis. Allow me to explain. A lot of classical roman statues are nude figures that sometimes modern prudes object to, and demand be covered up. This figure seems to have been covered in a way that is injuring him, by driving spikes into his flesh that hold up the cloth that covers his junk. Thus, a statement. Or I'm totally off base. But isn't art supposed to make you think? And when one thinks, isn't one, in a sense, supposed to think of penises? I have always felt it to be so. Also a penis. I assume. Jesus, guys, is everything here just a penis? Who is Boy? I, also, am an artist. I call this photograph, "Penis." Comedy comes in threes and that was four. Comes. Ah yes, the third manned mission to land on the moon. Apollo 14, the one where they started to get experimental. French artist Annette Messager has quite a large area dedicated to her work, some of which is really interesting and thought-provoking and some of which is this. Bathrooms in Denmark are weird. And for some reason I got thrown out of the museum right after this and I'm not sure why. Maybe I wasn't supposed to take pictures in there? I guess that makes sense. Any one of these could've been the title of this update. What's the next park we're going to? Djurs? Maybe "Meow Meow Ocean Burst" could work for that one. This unisex bathroom was even weirder. But I do like Denmark. Not as much as I like Sweden. Okay, okay, I'm going! Something tells you that you've got to get away from it.... Condiments are very specific in Denmark. Flea Market Genes

I don't think those boats were meant for riders.

What's the name of this thread? Denmark, Norway, Sweden, and Finland? Anyway, here we are in Germany for Hansa Park. 09: Frog Frog Frog Inside the park looking back towards the entrance. It's quite nice, but unshaded compared to the rest of the park in a way that makes me feel like the whole area is new. While the park's two Marquee coasters are both Gerstlauers, the one I was most excited about was this Schwarzkopf, "Nessie." Which was fine, but not amazing. Maybe the most interesting thing about it was the finale, which was a drop into the (tunneled) brake run. Pretty great logo, though. Crazy Mine is a fun Maurer wild mouse with an attached observation tower you can climb to take photos. Fun story about how I'm stupid: As someone who doesn't speak German but pretty quickly picks up "entrance" and "exit" whilst visiting Northern European theme parks, I spent a long time looking for the entrance to said tower, but only kept finding the exit. Turns out there's only one way up and down, and "Aufgang" doesn't actually mean "exit," but rather "rising." Oops. Schwur des Kärnan (or "Kärnan's Oath") is pretty clearly the star of the park. Smisty's review: "You spend a lot of time on your back." I didn't ride it. Was on the fence, but leaning towards giving it shot. Then we got to a preshow in which I had to be separated from my glasses (strap or no) for who knows how long, and the ride ops were giving off a really weird energy. So yes, I went all the way to Hansa Park in Germany and then chose not to ride Kärnan. Hey, I don't tell you how to vacation! I liked the wild mouse, though. Animatronic butt. Not pictured: keyboard that made the frogs sing. And by "sing," I mean "say the word frog." Obstacle course and bouncy bridge! Smisty asked me to take a photo of her on the horse. And for not extra charge, I sexy-ied it up a little. Old West Christmas Store I was pretty excited about Hansa Park's proper powered observation tower, but it was down all day for queue painting...? Lame. I really did want to ride this, as Hansa Park is very near the Baltic Sea, but doesn't do much to really show off its location. Lunch at Restaurant Weltumsegler at the front of the park. Pretty good, and super-friendly staff. Also, I was able to keep my glasses on. This park is not ugly. Hansa doesn't have a proper dark ride, but it does have this boat ride with flowers and water features and fairies (or something). Sure, you can see every inch of it from the pathways that surround it, but I still like that it exists. Log flume #1 of 3! Pull yourself across the lake, but don't try to touch the Schlong of Midgard! I don't normally ride kiddie coasters, but this one seemed interesting and it was. There's an indoor section with an animatronic, and since the ride has two laps, he talks to the train twice--the first time is tell you to go kill the snake or whatever, and the second time is to complain about how much you failed the first time. (Or at least that's how I interpreted it.) These last four photos are all from a pretty nice kid's area. I probably should've led with that. Pirate-themed "doesn't get you wet" raft ride, with a cool station. *Ahem* ... With a cool station. These stupid rides are everywhere now. But very few are as nicely themed and plussed-up as this. Arigato. There's a little bridge that takes you over a road to this resort area. See? Sea. Misty didn't come see this. So now we're even, credit-wise. Flucht von Novgorod is the park's other Gerstlauer. It features a dark ride section and some other fun accompaniments to try to obscure the fact that it's a Eurofighter. Can you wear your glasses on this one? No idea. Didn't try. A warning about the over-the-head restraints? Look at this. In America, people would be straight up climbing onto the track and dying. God, we're stupid. On the other hand, we did invent country bears. So, you know, it all evens out. Log flume #2. This one features animatronic rats that scurry out towards the logs as you leave the station! (Well, "animatronic" might be an overstatement. Still awesome, though.) It also takes advantage of the terrain in order to feature something I'd never experienced but always wanted to: a single lift hill with drops both before and after it. Does anyone find that cool besides me? Probably not. But it's how I generally tried to build log flumes in RCT2, so I think it's neat. Log flume #3. Well, a super flume with a very simple layout, but still. Late in the day, someone posted photos of a outdoor tracked jungle adventure jeep ride which we had not seen, which led us to this whole area of the park we had somehow missed. Misty finally gets her photo on a horse without me screwing it up. The little jeep ride has "cameras," attached via cord, that you can pick up and point at things. They do absolutely nothing, but they exist. Woo! Two updates in a row that basically end with a jungle adventure jeep ride! The bridge across the road to the parking lot and our bus. A quick stop off for dinner at an intersection with a couple of different fast food choices. We went for something local, "Sunset Boulevard," where I got this pretty decent burger and a blizzard/concrete ice cream thing with popcorn in it. Back in Denmark (specifically Aarhus) and in our room by sunset. Okay, so, on a scale of 0 to 10 (where a 0 means I have no desire to ever return and a 10 means it's literally a top 10 park--a system that currently works just about perfectly since I've been to around 100 parks) I give Hansa Park a 6. Not sure why I'm giving them a numerical value. I've never done that before. Anyway, still more fun than sitting on my couch writing a trip report!

Bakken is the world's oldest amusement park. I guess. I mean, I'm not going to check. And I'm certainly not going to argue the point. Because, in the end, it doesn't really matter. Being old doesn't equate to being good. If it did, I would be awesome. 08: Braking off the Chain No entry fee for this park. You can be menaced by the clown for free. Is there a difference between this clown and the one at Tivoli Gardens? No. They literally have the same mascot, despite not being otherwise connected (as far as I know). Both park's also have a "Rutschebanen." Which isn't too surprising since it's literally just Dansk for "rollercoaster." There's one big difference, however. Whilst the one at Tivoli Gardens still operates with a brakeman, this one was converted a couple of years back to a more traditional coaster. And how exactly does one do such a thing without completely reprofiling the ride? Easy, you just add brakes everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I'm talking about an offensive amount of brakes. This ride should be called Brake Mountain. Like, leave some brakes for cars on the road. I'm not even sure this really counts as gravity-powered anymore. Of course, without all those brakes you would be dead. The same way this ride is dead. Except you probably wouldn't be converted to a zombie cyborg. Hopefully, Bakken would just let *you* die. Daniel and I both wore red, making it hard to tell us apart. Bakken is actually Dansk for, "We hope you like stairs." Actually, it's not that bad. It's mostly just the front part of the park that's hilly. It's just that once I start writing angry captions, it's hard to stop. Even if the park doesn't really deserve it. I'll try to calm down. THIS RIDE IS GARBAGE Literally the worst thing I did on the trip. To be fair, the park was trying to help us out by putting it in "Turbo Mode." And I'm sure some people enjoyed it. But I found it violently horrible. And it didn't even spin. At least not on my one and only ride that's ever going to be. This kid gets it. This is literally my new least-favorite roller coaster. It was quite warm this day, but luckily Bakken does have one (pretty-wet) water ride. Bumper cars. See, this is what happens when I stop being angry. It just becomes nothing. I am entirely rage-powered. What do you think is happening here? My theory: The regular-sized scientist has enlarged his girlfriend, and she's so excited about how far ahead she can now see that she doesn't notice things in the road right in front of her. The best coaster at Bakken is this surprising Intamin family coaster, Mine Train Ulven, which both doesn't beat the crap out of you and doesn't have brakes every five feet. It's not going to rearrange your top 10 list, but it's fast and smooth and fun and comes very close to quite a few trees. Hey, they have one of these things. And Smisty is on it. I didn't ride, mostly because I didn't want to sit in the sun for the loading and unloading process. And they have a fun, traditional dark ride. So things are starting to look up. Hells yeah, *I'm* an American! And I love dining! Huh. Yeah, I guess that's sort of American-ish. What if we put our double shot in a little pit? That would be cute, right? Yes. It's adorable. Well, what if we also put of wild mouse in a pit? Would you like that? Yes, yes I would! It's a Mack, and a fun one. Plus, you know, pit. I mostly took a photo of this place because of the horrific decoration of a demonic child going all Erik on a ice cream cone. But one nice thing that I'll say about Bakken is that there were lots of ice cream choices throughout. The best attraction at Bakken was this boat-themed fun house. 59 PXL_20230607_122500938.TS.mp4 I don't normally post videos, but it's hard to really convey the movement of this thing via photo. An obvious reference to, "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish." Best new-to-me fun house of the trip. I don't normally think of theme park games as being particularly attractive to seniors, but damned if Bakken didn't figure it out! Outdoor tracked jungle-themed ride. It was so hot the sun singed off part of my hair! Indoor tracked jungle-themed ride. That probably would have flowed better without the weird hair joke photo in-between. We nearly passed this by because we didn't think it was a dark ride initially. Not sure why. It looks like a dark ride here. Another white clown, another swastika. Yeah, I don't have to go that bad. (That joke was overdone during the trip, but I don't have anything better so...there you go.) Done with Denmark forever, we head to Germany via ferry. And then a bus ride. And then a surprise late dinner by our very thoughtful host hotel for the evening. And then our unique room in the basement. And then, finally, sleep. Oh yeah, Bakken. Well, I think I liked it just a little bit better than BobBon-Land, so: 4

And now for Tivoli Gardens proper! This is probably the park that I was most looking forward to before the trip, and while it didn't end up being my favorite, it still has quite a lot to offer. 07: The Flying Trunk Of course we'd already walked around, took photos, and sampled some of the food here while staying across the street these last few days--but now we're actually going to ride stuff! It's a hotel. Disney really did get all their ideas from this place! (Actually, whilst the building itself is quite old, it's only been a hotel for like 20 years.) This park is absolutely charming and wonderful. But...there's only like 2 good rides (in my estimation). And this is one of them. Rutschebanen. Okay, remember the seemingly-pointless story about my internet-friend who did a recreation of BobBon-Land in OpenRCT2? Well, that's him. He's the brakeman. So now we're real friends. WHETHER HE LIKES IT OR NOT Behind the scenes tour. Because, you know, TPR. Also, nudity. Because, you know, TPR. Obviously, with the brakeman controlling the speed, there will be some variation from ride to ride. None of my rides were extreme or anything, but it's smooth, there was some airtime and laterals, and the brakemen really put on a show. Super fun and reridable. (Yeah, I know "reridable" isn't actually a word. But maybe it will be someday.) This certainly feels like the oldest section of the park, so I'll just assume that it is. The Fun House Unlike most other fun houses I've been in, this is not a continuous path with gags along it, but more an open space where you can choose what to explore. Which, to be honest, I didn't like as much. Still, as an American, any fun house is a good fun house (because we really don't have them). Hey, it's me! The middle one, with the ice cream cones and the similar screen name. ICE CREAM CONES (you hush) Hey, it's also me. Except on a Ferris wheel. And for some reason without an ice cream cone. So, a rare photo indeed. Minen, Rutschebanen, the fun house, and a bunch of other little things, all occupy the same "building." Which very much pleases me. Minen is an old mill type ride with a small drop and a weird switch-track that just turns you a little bit (in a way that could have been just as easily achieved with a turn). It's also equipped with very noisy flashlight guns that you use annoy me. Er...I mean, that you use to shoot at randomly-placed static reflectors. This is cool, though. We really don't need the shooting part. Get off my lawn. This is a Smisty and Bert ride. Powered coaster on your right, restaurant on your left. Guess what the next photo will be. If you want your pizzas cut, ask for our "pizzaslicer" Bert was otherwise engaged. Photo by AJ, I'm pretty sure. But don't worry, I found something else to do. Note my pocket napkin technique. This ain't my first ice rodeo. Cute kids ride that I never saw running. Smisty likes spinning. I like ice cream. We both like candy stores. Flyvende Kuffert is the other great ride at Tivoli Gardens. Shown here prior to park open. (Because, you know, TPR.) What is this, a toilet? That would be a great joke if I'd put these photos in a different order.) Anyway, that previous photo was just the facade. The ride itself is mostly underground. Yes, it's a whirlwind tour of Hans Christian Andersen's most famous stories! Complete with narration in either Danish or English (your choice). AJ giving the international signal for "couldn't they have at least put a cover over the hole?" A truly unique and wonderful dark ride! Daemonen is the park's other full-size coaster. And while the layout is compact and interesting, the ride itself didn't really do much for me. I'm not usually a big demand-er of consistency. Different rides are designed differently and that means that what might work at one ride won't necessarily work at another. No sense trying to make one set of rules that everything has to fit into. That, in my opinion, ultimately just ends up making operations less safe. Having said that, it was quite jarring to go from Rutschebanen, where guests can jump on and off moving trains, to Deamoeneaon, where you can't even wear glasses with a strap. Daeameaoneaonea's exit path is barely even in the park. Few survive eating this burger? Is it on the other side of Chuck Norris Avenue? A small but charming car ride. Everyone was excited about the two outward facing vehicles, but I had never been on a condor-type ride at all, so even just the regular cars were interesting to me. I love the ladder. Tivoli is oddly laid out--at least as an amusement park--as there are large areas that don't contain rides at all. But I don't know why I'm mentioning that here, because there's clearly a ride in this photo. Misty, you're going the wrong way. Humans to the left. Tivoli also has a small aquarium. That's maybe mostly exists as a waiting area for a show venue...? A kids area, and behind that, a building with offices (I think) and a haunted walk-through. A statue of Reed Copenhagen, founder of Denmark. Wait, does that say, "Cakenhagen"? It does indeed. This park may only have two good rides, but it does also have some pretty good food options. Most bathrooms in this park--and in Copenhagen--and in Denmark--are in the basement. In fact, it was so common that I just started saying that I had to go to the basement whenever nature called. Yeah, I really should've put this photo before that earlier one. That is a sad clown. Tivoli was good. Maybe not quite great, but good. Erik's score: 8 I'm too lazy to explain the scale again. If you love this park, then just pretend it's on a scale of 1 to 8. And, I guess if you hate the place, assume it's on a scale of 1 to 100. Crap, it would've been way less typing to just tell you what my scale actually is. That's it, I'm

Apparently, the villain of Underland is not a magician (as I had also initially assumed) but merely a snidely whiplash type. However, one of the bunnies is a magician! It's all very confusing.

What's this? An actual theme park update?! Indeed so! 06: Authentic Taco Toast That TPR bus life. But to where...?! This isn't really much of a cliffhanger, if you're reading Chuck or Bert's trip reports. Or read my first update where I literally spoil everything. Turns out you have to be a superhero to visit BonBon Land. But that's okay because I can talk to animals. I'm also extremely lactose-tolerant. Fun story. No, wait, what's that other thing? Tedious. Tedious Story. I was somewhat more familiar with this park's layout and history because my internet-friend JazzAnden recreated it on the DKMP OpenRCT2 discord server as park of a timeline park "contest." (I was also part of that contest, though my park was entirely made up, and also not as good.) I am telling you this for a reason, though the payoff won't be until the next update, at which point you'll probably have forgotten. This park is very normal. Founded on/with/because of a candy factory in much the same way Knott's was built around a berry farm or Plopsaland De Panne was founded on honey--except that this candy is gross. Or at least it's themed that way. I've never actually had it. I did buy a bag, and brought it home--but strictly for display. Smisty found her jam. And I found mine. I am among my people. Although, my people are apparently very weird. I'm all for a themed log flume--even if that theme is cheese-making sewer rats--but this one had some rough, clunky transitions (not unlike Diamond River at Legendia). *sigh* ... the dogfart coaster There's a bit of this sort of thing. I think this is supposed to be an albatross. But, thanks to Bert, all I can see now is "transvestite chicken." Have you ever wanted to say that you've ridden the very first Eurofighter? I didn't. On the other hand, this spinning coaster was quite good. With the highlight being that bunny hill on the right, which offered a nice pop of airtime whilst the car was spinning. Smisty and I were able to get a car to ourselves, and sit together, early in the day. (And, baby, you don't know what "imbalanced" is until you've ridden with me!) Oh, Henry. You are one gastrointestinally-distressed doggo. Is this the world's longest coaster train? Let's not do any research and just say that it is. Speaking of gastrointestinally-distressed, it was time for a group lunch at gross-candy-themed Danish theme park Mexican buffet. I'm sorry, "Mexican" should really have quotes around it there. If you're worried that this might prove to be too spicy, a.) don't, and b.) congratulations, you are Danish. I was trying to figure out what the turtle's problem was, and then I realized he was skewered on a spinning pole and had chair swings attached to the bottom of his shell. BonBon Land doesn't have a proper dark ride, but they do have an outdoor boat ride with scenery. Which is the next best thing in my book. It's fun how the unload station is just "get out during the ride and then walk into the actual station even though the boat is moving and you're just impatient but no one will be mad at you because you're in Europe so that's fine." And also there's only one ride op and who even knows if there are rules? Just, the best photo ever. My finest work. Hundreds of young people are gathering for the latest craze An acid house party in a disused warehouse This child thinks his hands are guns. Because he's stupid. Super hidden rapids ride. Which is also smelly according to that goat. But I rode it and it was fine. And not even particularly wet (though there is of course an element of randomness). The theme is beavers. But just kind of regular beavers, not gross candy ones. Newer stuff really does not embrace the whole gross mascots thing. Which is sad, but also...yeah. Listen. y'all, I live in Cowboy Town. *salutes in American* Not a dark ride. Dark. And shooty. But not a ride. Just a room with guns. So, like, America. That skeleton has eyes but no skin. Also, where did that other one get their shirt? Because it looks like it's really held up in a way that mine never do. Also, is he a prisoner, or...? Fun story: When I was a kid, I thought if someone got prison time of "life plus [x number of] years" that they just left them in jail for that long after they died. I also thought all dogs were male and all cats were female. This all really explains a lot, huh? I should shut up. Let's get the hell out of here, Hankatten. On a scale of 0-10, with 0 being a park I have no desire to return to in its current state, and 10 being one of my 10 favorite parks, I give BonBon Land a 3. Which is probably not as bad as it sounds, but yeah this park was just okay.