Electerik

The Jacksonville Zoo had been on our list for a while, being in Florida, as it is--but it wasn't until our friends Corinne and Lauren moved up there that we finally decided to make the trip. The Jacksonville Zoo and Gardens Yay, a new zoo credit! Let's start with the aviary! Or, more precisely, an aviary. Because this zoo has a few of them. Which is good. I like aviaries. There's no joke here. Move on. Most of this zoo is very nice. There are a few rough sections, but this isn't one of them. It's laid out fairly well, too. This is the cheetah exhibit, allegedly. As almost-zoo enthusiasts, we can tell you, you're never going to see all the animals any zoo claims to have. "So what? I'm way cooler than any cheetah!" I really wanted to go on the train, but Corinne and Lauren were all like, "No, trains are stupid. Shut up, Erik." BFR, yo. YES NO This lioness was very disappointed by the fake zebra. No further explanation was provided, but we don't really need one, do we? I'm sure nothing bad happened. Why would anyone even think that? There were actually two bald eagles, but I only took a picture of one. Well, actually, I took photos of both of them, but I'm only going to show you one, because the other eagle was ugly. Yes, he's asleep. But very out in the open, so that's a zoological victory, really. Corinne, Smisty, and Lauren in front of some kind of plant monster? In addition to aviaries, this zoo also has lots of reptile houses. Which is, again, a good thing. This is a type of snake. And this is a frog doing pantomime. There's even a nice old lady exhibit. It's hard to make her out, but she's there, in the back, asleep. Jacksonians love feeding giraffes. This was the only thing in the zoo that was swamped. The gardens were a bit underwhelming--but, to be fair, it was February. The main restaurant was surprisingly nice. I didn't take a photo of the food, because I didn't want Corinne and Lauren to think me weird. In retrospect, taking a photo of the menu was probably just as bad, though.... My favorite part of the Jacksonville Zoo was The Lost Temple. A nicely South American themed reptile house inside, and Jaguars outside. I'm not sure what I was going for here, but I think what I achieved was a look of smugness...? A mother jaguar having a sleepy lick-fight with her cub, for those of you who are into super cute things. And, another aviary! I'm not sure what kind of bird this is, but he's very excitable. Hmmm, I see where the kids' entrance is, but how do adults get into the maze? Hey, a carousel! That adults can't ride, because screw you, Erik & Misty. Penguins. But the stupid kind you can see anywhere. Lauren is perplexed at how to brush a goat in a bucket. It's like they couldn't agree on what excuse to use.... The rear end of the zoo. Or, as we almost-zoo enthusiasts call it, the back part. Corinne is sad because she paid a dollar to feed lorikeets but none of them are hungry. Serves her right for not letting me ride the train. "We are not dead," insists this rather suspicious sign. Randomly, a pier that you can walk out on to for legitimately no reason. See, now, this is the reason we go places. Because, seriously, there's no reason for this and it's awesome. The, um...the what now? The Asia section is new, but has so little in it yet as for me to question why it's open at all. Heading back toward the front, we get some hot lemur action. By which I mean, here are some lemurs. Some of the primate areas were quite run down. But, to be fair, there didn't appear to be anything in those areas, so I guess that's okay...? And, anyway, this isn't a photo of that. This is a tiger. I actually did make everyone ride the train with me. Come on...it's me. The view from the train. And Erik is happy. Oh, yeah. An elephant and a giraffe. I have no idea what that is. Corinne is sad again because we didn't get to see the Great Ape Fight House. And, also, she's just sad a lot. Lie to all your friends about the animals you saw at the Jacksonville Zoo via your refrigerator! Thanks for reading. And thanks to Corinne, Lauren, and Alex (never properly shown, sorry) for hanging out with us and showing us around J-Town! J-Town. That's a thing, right? I'm just assuming it is.

Cheetah Hunt. They built a ride to celebrate cheetahs, but they gave it a name that says you're going to be hunting cheetahs. You don't think the name implies that? Substitute the word "duck" for "cheetah" and try to argue that it sounds like you're a duck hunting things.

I couldn't care less. Wait...there's an ice cream shop? I'm in.

To elaborate on what Misty said: We were going to possibly do the Water Ski Hall of Fame the same day as Fantasy of Flight, since they're quite close to each other. However, their hours are 10-5, Monday through Friday. I feel like I need to highlight this point: The Water Ski Museum is closed on the weekends.

How many times have we driven by this one? Too many to count. Ah, but today! Today.... Fantasy of Flight It has a front gate. So that's exciting. And a ropes course thingy. Also, it's possible we may have been there a bit early. But there's plenty to do, even so! Like, take photos! Or walk around this labyrinth thing, which is all very new-age and meditative and not like a maze at all, unfortunately. Is it open yet? No? I'm very excited about a hanger full of old airplanes. COME ON!!! In addition to being an airplane museum, Fantasy of Flight is also a de facto tribute to its creator, Kermit Weeks. Maybe, too much so. Here we see an inspirational message from Mr. Weeks regarding the inspirational inscription on the building, also by Mr. Weeks. The reverence of it all might not be so weird if he wasn't so completely still alive. It's like going to a William Shatner museum. Hang on, I have to Google something. The main lobby gives you some options: An information counter, restaurant, bathrooms, and Amelia Earhart to the right... ...inspirational stuff and the gift shop (where you also buy the tickets, for some reason) to the left... ...and, kind of between those, the entrance to the hangers-full-of-airplanes and...wait, what's this now? "Immersive environments"?! I'm a man of the world, if you catch my drift. I've been to some airplane museums. I think I know what to expect at them. I did not expect to begin my looking-at-airplanes adventure today by jumping out of one, even virtually. And yet, here we are. I haven't even seen a real airplane yet*, and already this is the best airplane museum ever. *Actually, I've seen like 10 already, just not in a big hanger. Look, just, shut up. Ah, the fantasy of World War I, from the trenches! Look, it's an airplane! Maybe it'll be friends with us! The famous tunnel that connected WWI and WWII. By this point, I was about ready to erect an inspirational monument to Kermit Weeks myself. Sometimes people ask me what single thing I've taken the most photos of. (Note: No one has ever actually asked me that.) And the answer is: Misty's back. But wait, we don't just look at this WWII bomber, we actually walk through it. And we learn something. We learn that WWII-era servicemen were a hell of a lot skinnier than we are. I include this photo, not because it is good, but because I want to explain how cool this is. See, these are bombs. Well, probably not real bombs. But maybe. I don't really know. The point is, bombs, okay? And below this catwalk thing we're standing on is a video screen that shows your bomb bay doors open up to reveal the sky. Which is cool. Really cool. And, also, the same technology as Harry Potter! In addition to loving airplanes, Kermit Weeks is also a big Styx fan. (Please don't. I know. It was just a joke.) Leaving the "immersive environments," we find ourselves at last in a big hanger full of old airplanes and the world returns to sanity. A view from the catwalks (see background of previous photo). There's a weird thing up here, too. Every 10 feet or so, along the wall, there are either three different photos with the same captions, or three identical photos with different captions. Not sure what I mean? Scroll down! See, I would have said "whore," myself. Or, "alien." ... Why the hell is she standing in a swamp?! Sexy, sexy racism. For a bunch more money, you can fly in a real plane. Or, for no extra money, you can sit here and pretend. There are lots of little side rooms and workshops you can peek into, as well. I have no idea what happens in here, but I imagine it involves manly men drinking manly alcohols. This was cute. Except, you know, I couldn't for the life of me remember how to make a paper airplane. Hang gliding simulator. Clever idea. Some theme park should do this on a bigger scale. There are also lots of educational videos. But you're not here to learn, are you? Memorabilia. Interestingly, it all has price tags. Because it's for sale, or they're just bragging...? The Compass Rose Restaurant is in the main building, but outside the area you have to pay to go into, and attracts lots of folks from the nearby campground. The food's pretty decent, too. The gift shop is nice enough. One of these things does not belong. This tram takes you across the street to view other buildings full of incomplete and as-yet-unrestored airplanes. Its schedule never properly matched ours, however, so I can't tell you much more about that. A properly flying airplane! Behind, I mean. I suppose we could still do that. I certainly wouldn't object to returning to Fantasy of Flight. And Misty and I both heartily recommend that you visit, as well. Well?

So, it's been over a year since I've updated this thread. I think that makes it officially abandoned. Except...it's not! Here's the deal: I don't have as much free time these days as I used to, and we've gotten really into board gaming over the last two years, so we haven't been oddventuring as much. Having said that, I do still have an update or two up my sleeve, and I want to get them on here, because... *dun dun dun* ...we're going to be leaving Orlando in April. That's right, after four years in the theme park capital of the world, we're bored. So, time for something new. To where are we moving, you didn't actually ask? Well, rather than give a direct answer (because that would be far too easy, apparently), I'm just going to direct you to our trip report from September and let you figure it out. I'm not sure how many more updates there will be between now and April, but I am working on one right now that I'm pretty excited about. So stay tuned! I guess you don't really tune in to this.... Um, keep your eyes peeled...?

My one ride, circa 1997, it still had the guns. Which had seemingly been added to spice up dull layout of the ride. The problem is, it starts with the drop, then meanders for a while--instead of the other way around. I'm assuming they removed the guns because they all broke. But you can very much still see the targets. There's even a poster left. Even with the guns, and the inherent coolness of cruising around through the casino, it still didn't strike me as all that great. But maybe that's just me.

Yes! Naked City Pizza was really good. I didn't mention it as I couldn't find a decent photo. I now realize I was also remiss in not mentioning that the San Diego Zoo has a Sky Ride. As for the glasses thing, in my experience, most US parks aren't concerned about it--nor should they be. The exception being Cedar Fair. But their approach on a lot of things runs contrary to traditional logic.

The real reason for this trip wasn't to go to California's theme parks, but to visit our friends Seth & Natalie in Las Vegas. (You remember them, don't you? If not, check out From Sandusky, With Love) Since we'd be staying at their house, instead of having to pay for hotels, the Las Vegas portion of the trip was meant to be a bit more relaxed. And it was, to an extent. But, well, we're still us.... Part 2: Las Vegas, Boulder City, Buena Park So, it turns out that the Las Vegas sign is a tourist attraction unto itself. Seth & Natalie's house. We had no idea when we planned this trip that we'd be there on Fart Day. Cool, what's for lunch? Seth got us tickets to Le Reve at The Wynn. I'm not much of a show guy, but this was actually pretty darned cool. Natalie plays Roller Derby. That's her in the middle, 923. I really had no idea what was happening, but it was fun to watch. Now, I'm not saying this sport is dangerous. But the halftime show was a race between all the players who had broken their ankles this season, and even that didn't end well. Las Vegas has lots of casinos. (I strive to be educational.) We're not gamblers, but we do like architecture and theming, so we set out to see what attractions were available. First up: Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay. Shark Reef is a lush, beautiful--though not terribly large--aquarium. Which is almost exactly the right combination of things to appeal to me. "Um...I'm not a fish. So, if you could just point me to the exit, I'll be on my way." Tunnel aquariums are the pinnacle of human civilization. They don't have a ton of different sea creatures, but they have all the good ones. Smisty likes octopi. Even though they're terrible creatures. Shark Reef doesn't name their animals, so I've named this octopus, "Hitler." Sunken ship room sort of thing. With sharks. So, yeah, awesome. The lady in the gift shop offered to sell us the octopus statue, but I assume the TSA doesn't allow one to travel with 800 pounds of evil incarnate. I hadn't realized that so many of the casinos would be connected to one another via some type of tunnel or bridge. Or, in this case, a mall. Okay, so The Luxor has an Ancient Egypt theme, but is home to a Titanic exhibit, a sports museum, and a Carrot Top show. Yeah.... I debated for some time, but finally decided not to pay $14 to experience for myself the alleged horror of "The Roller Coaster." (I think the tie-breaking factor might very well have been the name. I might have ridden "Manhattan Express." The worst part of Vegas is all the scumbags trying to sell you nonsense the second you step out onto the street. Although this I'll make an exception for. The Coca-Cola Store on The Strip offers a tasting thing. It's like Club Cool at Epcot, except with more flavors and less free. And, yes, they had Beverly. And something even worse whose name I've blocked out of my brain but that kind of tasted like stale Scope. The next day started with The Pinball Hall of Fame. Basically just a warehouse full of (mostly) pinball machines. That you can play. No admission fee, you just pay for the machines. And, OH MY GOD I'M FAT! Circus Circus seems like it's seen better days. A lot of stuff was closed, but seemingly for repair, so perhaps things will get better...? But the reason we're here is of course the Adventuredome. Looks like they had a log flume that was pretty seriously integrated into the place that they've removed in order to build an El Loco coaster. Maybe no one wanted to get wet indoors? There's also a Miner Mike with some kind of Satanic theme, so that's fun. Adventuredome is almost my thing. I like that it's small and sort of built around a central theme. The problem is that their ride selection doesn't much appeal to me. There's a pirate ship and a Disk-O, but not much else that floats my boat. I would've liked to have tried the log flume, but alas. Canyon Blaster was okay for an Arrow multi-looper. Seth liked it a lot more than I did. Misty abstained. Really wish I could have caught The Chuck Jones Experience at Circus Circus, but it would appear to have been long-since evicted. This is about all that's left. Well, that and a sign saying they can have their stuff back when they pay their back rent. No one really wanted to go to The Stratosphere but me, so we compromised and went. Funny story: There was a BS security check before you could go up to the top of the tower--because apparently The Stratosphere is such a big deal that terrorists want to blow it up. But, earlier, at Circus Circus, Misty had played some redemption-style arcade games. So when it came time to empty her pockets for security, she pulled out a plastic frog, a sheriff's badge, a noisemaker.... It's $18 to go up to the top of The Stratosphere, but it was worth it to me for the view. The rides, on the other hand, at $15 a pop.... A confusion of elevators gets you to the tip top, but only if you're paying to ride The Big Shot. The rides feel very tacked on and awkward, honestly. It's hard to get to them and hard to get around because of them. Kind of pointless if you're not in the front seat, eh? I liked it, but it feels like there are a lot of missed opportunities here. I know, let's go to The Venetian! I hear that's nice! Oh...sad day. The outside canal was open, though. Still, I bet there were a lot of complaints from hotel guests. (But, yes, The Venetian was actually very nice. I'd show you more photos, but this is a whirlwind report. Let's move on!) Treasure Island was doing its thing across the street. This is maybe the greatest sign I've ever seen. "If it's in stock, we have it!" The next day we headed for Boulder City and Hoover Dam. So, they built a bridge to bypass the tourism of the dam, but the bridge is so cool that it's became a tourist attraction itself. Irony, thy name is Boulder City. Speaking of which, most of the electricity generated by Hoover Dam gets sold to California. The neon lights of Las Vegas run on coal. No, not interesting? Fine. Look at how big that dam thing is! There are a lot of dam rules. The aforementioned, ridiculously named, Mike O'Callaghan–Pat Tillman Memorial Bridge. The tour is worth doing. The dam really is an impressive feat of engineering. where the electricity gets made. But the dam's not really about electricity, it's about regulating the river.... Sorry. Big dam generators. I really should have bought this shirt. I f**king regret it now. Wait, what? The Historic Railroad Tunnel Trail is worth checking out if you like outdoor activities and don't mind dying in the Nevada desert. Seth took this photo. And I quote: "It could almost be a metaphor for something." Our last day in Vegas begins with a trip to Fremont Street. Not really my scene, and probably even less so (but also more interesting) at night. Still, we had to go downtown anyway for legal reasons, so why not? Seth wanted to try The Heart Attack Grill. So we did. And...it was terrible. Just incredibly tacky. I want you to think for a moment about who just told you that this place is too tacky. More to the point, the food is not good. Let us analyze this "Double Bypass Burger." First of all, it has vegetables on it. Those are standard. You know what isn't standard? Bacon. Bacon is an add-on at The Heart Attack Grill. You know what isn't an add-on? Donuts. Fried eggs. Or anything even remotely interesting, in fact. Yes, a midget nurse will bring you your drinks in a little car. And, yes, she'll even spank you if you like. (Don't ask.) But while you're actually eating, you'll wish you were at Hardee's. Technically, we made two separate trips to KISS by Monster Mini-Golf. But I'm just going to combine it all into one thing and you'll be none the wiser. Oh, crap...delete, delete! Now this is the correct amount of tacky! We've played a fair amount of indoor, black-light mini golf. Most of it is terrible. But this was actually good. The best I've been to, certainly. They even had animatronics. Sure, Peter Criss was missing one hand and just directly pounding on the drums with the other, but still.... Leave a message for KISS in the bathroom. Because that's where they apparently hang out when they come to visit. Seth won at mini golf, but Misty and I got married by Las Vegas Gene Simmons, so that kind of makes up for it. And they had a cool fish tank. We got up early the next morning and drove to Knott's. Now, KBF is a tough park for me. I grew up with Knott's. I worked at Knott's. But Smisty had never been and was really excited, so I tried to just enjoy it through her eyes and not constantly complain about how much better it used to be. We went here first, because I figured Misty would love this ride. (I was right.) There's still some charm left at KBF. Cedar Fair hasn't crushed it completely. Some areas are better than others, obviously. Jaguar is the world's biggest kiddy coaster. I have no idea if this is Haunt stuff or just regular Fiesta Village theming. :OP Revolucion is a cool ride. But it's no Tampico Tumbler. My first ride on Xcellerator, as it was down for that cable thing the last time I was here. It is interesting how so many of the rides that are 40 or 50 years old still look fresh and exciting, while most of what Cedar Fair has added in the last 10 or 15 years looks old and stupid. But maybe that's just me. The Sky Cabin still runs, though the Parachute Drop is sadly long gone. My favorite color is green and this hurts my eyes. Coast Rider was fine. This whole area is hugely improved over the Perilous Plunge days. I just wish all this water didn't look quite so much like a swimming pool. And Flyers are always welcome. Not sure why this sign is still here, but I suppose I approve. I wish there was still a dark ride under it, too. I actually like the way they added Pony Express. And there are even a few theming touches to make it fit in better. The ride itself is too short, though. (And I don't normally mind short rides, if they're doing cool stuff the whole time.) It's probably quite scenic, but it's hard to say since KBF now hates people with glasses almost as much as Cedar Point hates fat people. While I'm here: Dear park owners with perfect vision, I understand that you think my glasses might fly off my face at any moment and attack a group of nuns. What I don't understand is why you think they couldn't possibly come out of my pocket, given their awkwardly un-pocket-fitting shape. And, also, the Pony Express is an effing kiddy ride. What the hell is wrong with you? Ah, unspoiled Knott's Berry Farm! Hooray! Well, I'm not saying it was *all* perfect. To their credit, Cedar Fair did a great job of updating the figures in what has always been the world's best water ride. They even added a bit of a storyline to it, which is okay? And sort of reminds me of Knott's Bear-y Tales. Can you tell what ride Smisty just got off of? (Hint: It was in the last picture.) The figures in the Mine Ride are non-updated, but I still love it. And also, there was a bunch of Haunt stuff in there, which is always weird during the day. And our driver wasn't a very good spieler. AND they were only running one train, which is unconscionable, considering the length of this ride and their line. BUT I STILL LOVE IT. Abuse me more, KBF! Oh, yeah, see Silver Bullet back there? I rode it. And I'm not wasting an entire photo on it. At least Cedar Fair haven't tightened up on Big Train security. Luckily, he left me alone once he realized I was married, and thus broke. I know, I know, it sucks now. Still would have been nice to get Misty on it. You know, this really was great when it opened. Honestly. I know you kids won't believe me, but it was. Smucker's recently discontinued the KBF brand. They still have it here, but who knows for how much longer. Even Mrs. Knott's Chicken Dinner Restaurant now serves Smucker's. We bought a bunch of stuff and had it shipped to us. :OP I'm sure Walter and Cordelia loved their children. I just wish their children had loved Knott's Berry Farm. I sure did. It's not awful now. It's a good park. Misty really liked it, and I had a good time visiting. So, let's just end on that. :O) Since it was technically our honeymoon, we sprang for the Camp Snoopy room at the Knott's Hotel. Which comes with a visit from Snoopy to tuck in the kids. But we don't have kids. So, um, yeah.... Thanks for reading! We had a great trip!

Hello! Want to see some vacation photos? Wait, no, come back. There will be roller coasters...! And, if you stick around long enough, maybe even Gene Simmons! That's what I thought. I grew up in Southern California, but Misty had never been. So it seemed like a natural place to go.... Part 1: San Diego, Anaheim, Primm MCO, 5:00am. It's going to be a long day. So we decided to skip all that boring airline/car rental stuff and just Sky Ride into SeaWorld San Diego. A lot's changed since I was last here. I suppose that would have been the early 1980s or so! We loved Manta. Fun, easy, comfortable, fast--what's not to like? This is what Cheetah Hunt should have been. SWSD has many more aquarium than SWF. This is Shark Encounter, though, which exists in both. Um...maybe this wasn't the time to make that point. We opted to skip the water rides due to our whirlwind schedule. I will say this: Orlando's infrastructure is better. San Diego feels more like a zoo than a theme park by comparison. However, we actually preferred many of San Diego's attractions when it came right down to it. Turtle Reef was much better than TurtleTrek. Possibly because it had turtles in it. :OP Pacific Point, however, was tiny and sad compared to Orlando's. I think I'm just gonna share photos of derpy animals with you. Much smaller than Happy Harbor, but not bad. Misty didn't want to get soaked, but I really wanted to experience this JTA. So I gave her everything in my pockets and got in line. And...it broke down. So, yeah...JTA. Probably just as well. Misty grew up with these in Texas. I grew up with them in California. They don't exist in Florida. First food place we went! And then Speculoos! The next morning we were up early. (No surprise there, as we were still adjusting to west coast time.) So we went and checked out Sunset Cliffs. Smisty loves zoos. And I hear this one is a pretty big deal. Certainly, it's big. And it has lots of animals... ...including some pretty rare ones. However, it's very hilly and very confusingly laid out. For example: Have we wandered backstage here? No. And make sure you keep to the sidewalks on the main pathways because of buses! This elephant is so dumb it can't even avoid this simple obstacle. "I am the king of dung!" "Um...does he think that's money?" Adolescence is hard on giraffes. Misty trying to stare down a snake. San Diego Zoo was okay, Maybe even good. And while I'm certainly glad we went, I've been to better. Time for more local fast food! Jack In The Box! So good, we ate at two of them on this trip. And our final stop in San Diego: Mission Beach. I love the ticket shack/gift shop/coaster museum. The ride was slower than I remembered, but I also think I liked it more this time. So...there you go. There's not much of note here besides the coaster, unfortunately. Genuine Southern California beach. Too bad we can't stay. The next day found us at Disneyland Resort. Okay, so, again, I grew up with Disneyland. Smisty had never been. The classic Disneyland sign is gone, but I was happy to see this at the Disneyland Hotel pool. Go ahead, insult the castle. Whatever, I so strongly prefer Disneyland to Walt Disney World that I have trouble putting it into words. But, here, let me try: Disneyland craps all over Disney World. I love Disneyland and I hate Disney World. Period. You may feel differently. That's fine. I respect your right to be wrong. Normally, I'm not a fan of dutch angles, but the dude surfing under the rope really sells this one for me. Real Space Mountain! (Yeah, yeah, Florida's was first. Are you really arguing with me? It's the internet, dude. Let it go.) I'd kind of forgotten that they'd brought the Submarine Ride back. And Misty was totally unaware of its existence. So this ended up being a nice surprise. I thought the Nemo stuff seemed kind of forced, but Smisty liked it. And if that's what it took to get it back, so be it. Even "it's a small world" is better here. Wait...are we actually doing this? Oh, crap, we're doing this. In all seriousness, I liked the addition of the Disney characters. It was subtle enough that you almost had to go looking for them, which made it kind of fun. Unlike, say, the way Captain Jack Sparrow's name is mentioned 15,000 times in PotC. I think Roger Rabbit might have been Misty's favorite ride at Disneyland. Gadget's Go Coaster. Um...frogs are cool. They should really build a Disney park in Florida some day. Lunch at the Blue Bayou, because why not? Service was a bit cracky, but you can't beat the view. (It, um, looks better in person.) Indiana Jones Adventure: Temple of the Forbidden Eye. Awkward name, great ride. (And if you tell me you prefer "Dinosaur," I will (verbally) stab you in the throat.) "Welcome to a tropical hideaway, you lucky people, you!" I'd been to DCA once, right after Tower of Terror opened, and I liked the park. This was my first visit to Cars Land, though. I don't rate the movie all that highly, but the land is freaking great. Theming-wise, it's desert-y. And there's puns. Whatever. But the three rides are really, really cool. Radiator Springs Racers is the real deal. A (mildly) thrilling, highly detailed indoor/outdoor dark ride with impressively large audio-animatronics. Oh, and it even tells a story that isn't just a retelling of the movie. I loved it. So, yeah, this is the big ride. But what about the other two? What impressed me the most, I think, is the fact that both of Cars Land's smaller rides were throwbacks to older rides. A sense of history amidst all this fancy new-fangled theming? Be still, my heart! Hearing Larry The Cable Guy spiel in very un-smooth Spanish is way funnier than it has any right to be. Even Flo's V8 Cafe was good. We walked by some kind of Incredibles parade. I took a picture. Which you're now looking at. I'm going to stop typing now. Monsters, Inc. was new to me. I liked it. The world needs more dark rides. Quick, name another dark ride that takes you through a bathroom! Man, the quality of merchandise has really gone downhill. Skipped it. (I rode it on my first visit, though. Not bad.) Misty didn't like California Screamin'. I think it's just okay. I made it a point to get her on the Sun Wheel. (*Sigh* Fine, "Mickey's Fun Wheel.") I thought she'd love it, but in fact she was kind of bored. I still really like it, though. Hey, guys, let's drive to Vegas! Whoooo! Cool. Now stare at this photo for the next 4 hours. Buffalo Bill's. Smisty loves Magnum XL-200, so I had to make her ride Desperado. It's not just cracky, it's ARROW cracky. I can't quite figure Primm out. Like, I want to say it's run down and dying. But...they're clearly still making and spending money, so...I dunno, it's weird. Clearly, the demographic is older, less glamorous folks than Vegas attracts. I mean, I guess that's it. It's an hour closer than Las Vegas. There you go. But still, it hurts my brain. Oh, you know, just a log flume through the casino. No big deal. If you like, you can take a cracky monorail from Buffalo Bill's to Primm Valley Casino. And then you can take this even crackier monorail over I-15 to Whiskey Pete's. Primm Valley has a mall. With expensive, "high-class" stores. And, like, no empty stores. So, it's doing well, obviously. So why do the casinos seem so pitiful? Especially on the outside, where it seems as if no one has swept in the last decade. I just can't figure it out. I'm sorry. I'll stop. Buffalo Bill's has a roller coaster and a log flume. Primm Valley has an outlet mall. Whiskey Pete's has Bonnie & Clyde's Death Car. Seems pretty fair. If you've ever wondered how the place got the name "Whiskey Pete's," this actually won't help clear it up at all. Employee housing, I presume. Since it's the only other thing around beside the casinos. Big finish! Stay tuned for Part 2! At some point. I promise (...ish). Ciao! Ciao means go. Go!

As a matter of fact....

Turns out the Congo River Golf location in Kissimmee has paddle boats. It really doesn't take much to talk us into playing mini golf. Okay, the flamingo boat is whatever. But just look at the cute little African Queen paddle boats! I'm not paying money to hold an alligator. But I would totally buy a shirt if they had them in my size. But they don't because I'm a.) fat, and b.) not a child. This location has two 18-hole courses. Both courses are very nice, but pretty much interchangeable. Several holes have these spinner things, in case you want to make the game wackier. And, like all Congo River Golfs, there's a scavenger hunt! I found the mask! Wait, I thought the X-Men were good guys.... [Fun with grammar!] Those three signs should allow you to triangulate the exact location of Congo River Golf, should you decide you'd like to play here some day. Man, Storm really effed-up that dude's ship. I was too lazy to walk up there, so I just took a picture. That was a joke, by the way. How's that spinner thing working out for ya, Smisty? This is the least goofy picture I could find of myself. Wait, he does? Okay, then we will, too! This photo was taken by the Congo River Golf employee who got us set up with the paddle boat. I don't know his name, so I've decided to call him Admiral Kirk, for no specific reason. HEART OF DARKNESS Well, that's not a good sign. About a quarter of the way into our journey, the steering gave out. ADMIRAL Kirk never bothered to check on our progress. It was only the fact of my genetically-engineered intellect that allowed us to survive. I could go on. Don't test me. Also worth mentioning is that the Admiral told us that the steering might go out, but didn't actually tell us what we should do if it did. But I shall have my revenge, I assure you. I'll chase him 'round the moons of Nibia and 'round the Antares Maelstrom and 'round Perdition's flames before I give him up! In other news, we are dead.

All part of the fun! I live for stuff like this.

About two and a half years ago (Really? Damn...!) Smisty and I visited Dinosaur World in Plant City, Florida. And we enjoyed it. Since then, however, Dinosaur World has undergone a major expansion. Which is all the excuse we needed to make a return visit. You don't have to read the original trip report first (back on page 9). In fact, it might even be better to read it after this one, since the new expansion is, basically, a whole new front-end for the park. Or read it in the middle. I'll tell you when. Oh hell, just do what you want. Yes, it's a bigger, fancier entrance! Hooray! Smisty is happy with the new gift shop/entrance. The price is now $14.95 for adults (up $2.00 from what it was before). Not bad, considering. New dinosaurs that aren't ridiculous colors! And what's this? An indoor thing? (Good, because it totally rained on us the whole time we were there.) Oh, I'll just bet. Actually, the museum is pretty cool. Big, too. It could use a few stand alone displays, just for verity. Instead, pretty much everything is in these wall cases. Megalodon reeth. (No, that's not a misspelling, but a hilarious in-joke that will make sense to you only later.) I'm just showing you stuff from the cool animals. Wait, they grew new what? (See? I told you!) These would be the realistic animatronic dinosaurs. Please do not show this photo to some small children. This does seem the most likely. And...the new restrooms are just as awesome as the old ones. Where to now, Smisty? I thought T-Rex was bigger. Oh, they're young ones? That's a good trick. The new Fossil Dig doesn't seem as good. But that's okay, because the old one is still in the back half of the park. Before you can go in, though, you need to read the rules. Got it? Cool. This path leads past a couple of new dinos and into the old entrance to what is now the back half of the park. To the right is the old entrance/gift shop, now closed off. My idea, free for the taking, Dinosaur World: Turn it into a restaurant so you have some kind of food offering. You're welcome. Now would be a good time to pause, go look at the original trip report, and then come back. You didn't do it, did you? Oh well, back to the new stuff. Lots of new playground stuff. Some dinosaurs evolved to have slides coming off of them, to throw off predators that leapt onto their backs. Hey...that needs to be cleaned. Excuse me, sir, which way back to the gift shop? Inside the gift shop (which is way bigger than the old one, by the way), you can find this stuffed alligator... ...patches for your jacket (does anyone still do that?)... ...and, um, Godzilla toys. Still, it's better than this. We liked Dinosaur World before, and now it's even better. It just feels a bit more...legit. But not that legit.

I love that they're expanding, and I think White Lightning looks great, but I hope they add some trees or something. If they want to break out of the whole Family Fun Center thing, then they need to start thinking about what their guests are doing between rides.

My mother suggested it might be, "Touch Real Spanish Silver." Seems as likely as anything. And my train-loving friend thanked me for not insulting the model railroad. So far, I have not been contacted by the St. Augustine Historical Society.

We're not dead. Just been working a bit more recently, and had to cut something out. No, not Oddventuring. Just, you know, posting those Oddventures. Still, I've carved a bit of time away today to tell you about a funky little tourist attraction in a funky little tourist town. There is absolutely no reason to go to this place, which is why we did. As usual, you're welcome. St. Augustine History Museum The museum is small, pointless, carefully hidden amongst other similar attractions, and free with pretty much any sort of combo ticket you can buy. It's also a great example of how little you can accomplish when trying to make something out of nothing. The History Museum starts and ends inside Gator Bob's Trading Post, for added authenticity. This was the first motorized vehicle to reach St. Augustine, and carried the very first coupons the area had ever seen. Or, it was just something they had lying around. WHO CAN SAY? Holy crap, a 1000 year old canoe?! I would literally pay a million dollars to see that. Actual time travel. Now how much would you pay? THE CANOE When the universe was forged in the crucible of the Big Bang, our mighty race was already 17 years old. It's a bit too blurry to make out the last word or two of the sign, and I honestly don't remember what it said, but I'm trying to convince myself that it was, "Touch a real Sabretooth!" It was definitely "Touch a real" something. Prostate? This is just some crap. A f**king horse, yo. Who's the punk now, Mr. Pirate? You're in a sh**ty museum! That's right, hold up that lantern, b**ch! Florida was not in the Civil War. The etymology of the word "cracker" in this usage is disputed. I have nothing bad to say about model trains. Visit the Old Jail, brought to you by Florida Crackers. This is, like, the the greatest collection of whatever-kind-of-machines-these-are anywhere. Gator Bob's, World's Bigist. (Misspelling of "bigotedest" theirs, not mine.) Oh, settle down, it's just a joke. The St. Augustine History Museum. They have a model train.

I think it looks great. It's very "Cedar Point." And while I could see people not thinking much of the name, considering where it's at (in every sense), I think it works well. Also, Cedar Point's main entrance is a bit understated as it stands. So this fixes that in a way that, again, just screams, "Cedar Point."

Great TR, so far. Looking forward to the rest!

He looks happy.

You know, the whole "world of bears/beer" joke occurred to me, but I couldn't quite make it work. Way to pull it off!

Eh, it was alright. I just enjoy being snarky. I've been to much worse.

Some James Bond movies were filmed there. Stevie Nicks wrote a song about it (I guess). It's in Florida. And we're Erik & Smisty. Silver Springs It's $31.99 for adults to get in. Which is a really good deal if you hate yourself. Hey, wanna feed a muck? This storefront promenade was nice. Reminded me a bit of Lake Winnie. It featured a pizza place, a gift shop, the main restrooms, and a museum of the park's history. "My favorite tree is J. Rawk!" But of course the main attraction at Silver Springs is their glass-bottom boats. It seems like a lot of trouble just to see glass. I mean, I have some in my house. But tourists are weird, you know? These statues were placed here by the James Bond film producers. I can't be arsed to figure out for which movie, which is amazing because I'm really into James Bond. But there you go. I think these prices are a secret code for something. I've stared at them for some time, and can make no sense of their randomness. Oh cool, a ride! Let's go! Er...maybe it'll open later in the day. Maybe it's just the theme park veteran-employee in me talking, but that seems like a trip hazard. There was some sort of concert going on that day. The Country Buskins, I think they were called. I didn't really stick around to hear. Cool, a bird show! Oh...wait.... Are you ready for ghetto Kilimanjaro? Animals. Yes, that's my caption. Shut up. The best seat is the one right behind the jeep's exhaust pipe. Also, our bears have psychic powers. Animals. This is, like, the saddest ride ever. Please do not sit in our employee's chair. Thank you. You know...if this is really such a big problem...maybe you should add some benches. Just saying. Sorry kids, our cool animal is broken. How about that nice donkey there? Why even have animals if you're just going to make fun of them? This place is shaped like Six Flags Over Georgia. In other words, a big sucky U. I just spent three minutes trying to come up with a rawk/rock pun, before finally realizing how incredibly stupid that was. "The Spirit of the Swamp" was always my favorite Scooby-Doo episode. Well, I guess alligators was predictable. These ladders were bad. One day there will be something cool here. We swear. Come back and see! 'Snake walls' always makes Smisty happy. "Maybe they won't see me." "Eh, it's a living." What's this...? Another boat ride! This is like the Moonraker of theme parks! Incidentally, Moonraker was one of the Bond films partially filmed here. But there were also some good ones, probably. Animals. This is our racist redneck boat captain. He'd just like you to know that Koreans don't mind if you make fun of Chinese people, so neither should you. Also, he likes to watch sports, kill animals, and his daughters will never date. It's possible that he steals all of his material from Jeff Foxworthy, but there's really no way for me to know. They say that this boat died of natural causes, but I've always suspected tree murder. Silver Springs: Bring your enemies!

^ Yay, a Junior Space Cadet! Just a quick note on a past update: Hula Dog (aka, Kona Dog) has apparently closed their physical location and become a food truck. gokonadog.com/

I used to work for a park that gave away beer for free. The only parks I have an issue with selling beer are the Disney parks.