Photo TR: TPR Goes to Schlitterbahn!

Theme Park Review LOVES water parks, and Schlitterbahn is one of the best in the country!

Our first stop of the day? BREAKFAST!!! We couldn't possibly start our day at a waterpark on an empty stomach!

"I CAN EAT THIS ENTIRE TRAY OF BACON!!! Just get me a beer to wash it down."

"Why is this the best park of the trip? Because they were the only park to feed us BACON!!!"

"I'm not going to ride any water rides, but I will consume three whole pigs!"

"Screw you KFC and your Double Down! I call this the 'pork nightmare' - bacon in the middle, sausage holding it together!

"Um, TPR...I know the bacon is good, but we're here too! You have ERT on us, remember?"

Oh right! We have awesome water coasters to ride!!!

Master Blaster was the "first modern" water coaster (yeah, we know technically Dragon Blaster came first), and this ride in many ways still sets the standard for water coasters all over the world.

Don't worry guys...it's awesome!

It's a "Hands up, totally fun, awesome ride" all the way around!

Here is what it looks like from the top!

Would you like to see some Master Blaster POV? What? You WOULD? Great! Click the image below:

(Master Blaster POV by Joey Ray))

[coastertube]http://www.themeparkreview.com/coastertube/play.php?vid=masterblaster_pov_7kuq[/coastertube]

Next up was Boogie Bahn! Where TPR members "attempted" to surf!

Most of the time TPR members wiped out...

...we struggled a bit...

...Yeah, it pretty much looked like this the whole time during ERT!

Pay no attention to that giant man-boob in the left hand corner of this photo.

"Yes, I am Canadian...and yes, I am going to wipe out...but the Queen will still be proud of me!"

We call this one "Doggie Style Wipe Out."

"MUST. DO. AWESOME! All of my fans are watching!"

A few seconds later, the rest of the ass was showing...and it was a lot of ass...but we'll spare you the photos!

Doesn't it just look so therapeutic and relaxing?

"Wait, you mean this isn't where the swimming lessons are?"

This was the best TPR members could do...and this only lasted about 4 seconds.

Oh, hey look! Someone's really got it down!

Oh, wait, they are not with our group!

Since Dragon Blaster was around the corner we decided to make silly faces on that ride.

"Dragon Blaster put hair on my chest! Seriously...none of this was here 3 minutes ago! And it also made my hands go like this."

Next up, it was time to grab our manboobs, some inner tubes and head off on an expedition!

A Congo River Expedition to be exact.

"BOOGIE!!! BOOGIE!!! BOOGIE!!!"

OMG...am I seeing this correctly...is that DAN on the water rides??!!?

"I'm CRAAAAAZY NATIVE LOOKING SCARY MASK! BRING ME SOME BACON!"

"Schlitterbahn's tube chute rides are AWESOME!!!"

Schlitterban West is the "older" part of the park, but that's not a negative by any means. This is the part of the park where they have all these classic tube chute rides, and they are freaking AMAZING! It's like a collection of the most awesome lazy river's you've ever seen in your life!

You'll float indoors, outdoors, down small drops....

...and there are even a few with LOW CLEARANCE!!!

They kind of sprawl all over the west side of the park. Rides that go on forever! It's really something very unique to the park.

"I could hang out here all day long!"

"Yup...I'm still Canadian..."

"The only thing that would make this better is a beer in both of my hands! Well, ok, maybe that and a coupon...and a slightly bigger penis...but really, this is awesome!"

"I think I just farted!"

There is a lot of love in this photo...well, not really.

TPR Loves the tube chutes!!!

They dumped TPR out in the lake...pretty much where we belong!

When we said the tube chutes had small drops, we meant some of them are pretty big!

"Oh my ass!"

Don't worry...Dave Thomas has been dead for years.

This is where you'll find Master Blaster, The Torrent River, and lots of other awesome slides.

Surfenburg is where you can find the Boogie Bahn - the surfing machine (duh), Dragon Blaster, Family Blaster, and one of my all time favorite, kind of hidden attractions at the park, Back Splash!

And this is where all those awesome tube chutes are! IMO, each section of the park offers something almost as equally awesome as the next.

And the tram to get from the different parks is always filled with sexy topless men...like these!

Now this attraction, back over in the Blastenhoff section of the park, is known at the "Torrent River."

The concept is simple...it's a lazy river with the most insane wave machine in the middle! As you can see from this picture, survival is a challenge!!!

How people aren't constantly eaten alive by the waves on a regular basis is beyond me!

Hello evil wave machine! You are truly, truly awesome!

Nooo! I'm getting eaten by the torrent river! Help meeeeeeee......

"Did I survive? I think I survived!"

And now back in the real world....

KidTums is having an awesome time in one of the many, many kids areas at Schlitterbahn!

And for you fattys...they have something for you here also!

KidTums is still having fun.

WHY. SO. SERIOUS????

Our day at Schlitterbahn was awesome! TPR highly recommends everyone to get out to this water park!

And a huge thank you goes out to Jeffery and his women for putting on a great day for TPR!

Since Schlitterbahn was the last park of our Texas Trip, it's become a tradition to have a farewell dinner. And we did so at a place that serves lots of beer!

"and wings! If I can't have a slightly bigger penis or a coupon...I'll take wings and beer!"

Wow, this is actually a touch choice.

Hey look! Elissa is drinking a beer! (oh, ok, who are we kidding...she just held it up and then gave it back to Joey!)

Thank you TPR and Schlitterbahn for an awesome day and then an awesome dinner!

"See, these are empty...that means...MORE BEER!!!"

YES! MEAT!!!! But don't worry...if you are a vegetarian we have a lovely SALAD for you to enjoy!

"No, but the beer and Skittles sure do help!"

Ok, that looks freaking AWESOME!

"OMG! WINGS AND BEER STROKE!!!!"

THANK YOU AGAIN TO EVERYONE! TEXAS IS THE BEST PLACE IN THE WORLD AND EVERYONE ELSE MUST BOW DOWN TO IT'S AWESOMENESS!!!!

ps. Thanks much to Joey Ray, Antonio, Derek and whoever else submitted photos for this update!

Ah yes. Bout time this pics came about, haha. In all, though, grag and I had a blast at schlitterbahn that day, except what happened later on in the day.....but it was still great times.

the captions to the photos taken on the tube chutes are hilarious

And for you fattys...they have something for you here also!

Well, Texas doesn't have 5 of the top 10 fattest cities for nothing.

Great TR. I would love to go to Schlitterbahn one day, looks like a fantastic park!

You know...I remember seeing the volume 5 expedition video, at the section where you guys went to Fujikyu Highland Park...there's a clip where Elissa says "You know, this park is just like Schlitterbahn, where you hear all of this propaganda for the place, and when you get there, the park sucks!". (That's what I remember of it anyway.)

So, it's a bit confusing to hear you guys laying all this praise on Schlitterbahn today all of a sudden. Did you have a change of heart in the time after the original Japan-a-Mania video came out?

Anyway, I loved this TR, like I love pretty much anything you guys post here. So thanks again for doing it.

Full disclosure, I don't like river/spring/non-treated water in a water park or pretty much anywhere!

KT and I stayed in the newer sections the entire day.

Ahhhhhh OK. Thanks for clarifying.

I decided to stop lurking around here just to say that this looks like the most amazing water park in existence and we need something like this so bad in vegas it's not even funny. It's hot enough here that people have been known to just burst into flames but still no waterpark(sigh).

You know...I remember seeing the volume 5 expedition video, at the section where you guys went to Fujikyu Highland Park...there's a clip where Elissa says "You know, this park is just like Schlitterbahn, where you hear all of this propaganda for the place, and when you get there, the park sucks!". (That's what I remember of it anyway.)

 

So, it's a bit confusing to hear you guys laying all this praise on Schlitterbahn today all of a sudden. Did you have a change of heart in the time after the original Japan-a-Mania video came out?

We had a bad visit one time and a GREAT visit another. And it wasn't "all of a sudden" our visits were nearly 6 years apart. They also did a lot of work all over the park during those visits. The fact that they've gone through a re-did some of the older tube chutes and updated them was GREAT to see.

--Robb

- Bacon up that sausage boy!

- But dad, my heart hurts.

- I said bacon it!!

We had a bad visit one time and a GREAT visit another. And it wasn't "all of a sudden" our visits were nearly 6 years apart. They also did a lot of work all over the park during those visits. The fact that they've gone through a re-did some of the older tube chutes and updated them was GREAT to see.

 

--Robb

Well, that's good to know. I like it when any place tries to update, redo, anything they can to please their guests, and Schlitterbahn certainly seems to have done all that and more from what I see here. Do you think your initial "bad" visit, and your ensuing word of mouth had any bearing on their decision to update and revamp the place?

And thus, I have been reminded of why it was important for me to have begun a more active lifestyle about two months before the Texas Trip happend. God that was awful to look back at some of those pictures, but then again, if I hadn't lost the weight I had up to that point, I imagine I would have been kicked out as they would have accused me of impersonating a man as there was no way I could be a guy with the rack I had back in May before this trip.

I do remember Robb going for an ass shot with the video camera at one point when I went down the chute for Boogiebahn, so I think he was estatic to see my ass later on

Overall, it was a fun day at the park. I finally got to check the place out and the Resturant afterward on the way back to Dallas was awesome!

-Gary

For me, Schlitterbahn day was my favorite day during the Texas trip. This brings back some great memories, thanks for posting this!

Mmmmm... I'm sure Joey just LOVES him some bacon...

Awesome! Glad to contribute my sexy toplessness to the update!

PS - 2 hours of ERT on the Boogie Bahn was out of this world. Gary, a few others and I went over after a spin on Master Blaster and just surfed for 2 hours!

Ahhh---good times!!!

Glad to see I wasn't the only who was "presenting" themselves on the Boogie Bahn. Also glad that no incriminating photos appeared in this report.

That was too much man boob for one report.

I have got to get out to this park. It was great to see that Jeff is still there. The last time I had seen him was when he was with kings island.

Where's that tiki themed chute/lazy river? I don't seem to remember seeing it or riding it when I was there a few years ago.

I may be in the minority, but I found the new section of Schiltterbahn a tad overrated. There was absolutely no shade other than the concession area, but it was still fun.

Where's that tiki themed chute/lazy river? I don't seem to remember seeing it or riding it when I was there a few years ago.

It was just re-themed last year. They seem to be going through some of the older slides and updating them. Dragon Blaster also got a make-over.

I may be in the minority, but I found the new section of Schiltterbahn a tad overrated. There was absolutely no shade other than the concession area, but it was still fun.

You're not in the minority. As much as I really like Master Blaster, the Torrent River, and Boogie Bahn, etc, I really do like the older part of Schlitterbahn.

--Robb

I loved Schlitterbahn, and it was my favorite day of the Texas trip as well. The restaurant in Austin was equally awesome.

My favorite attractions in the newer sections were the "launch" into the lazy river, and the crazy wave machine in the other lazy river. I personally enjoyed the older side much more, but still really liked those two one-of-a-kind attractions in the newer sections.

The old section really reminded me of a Knoebels-like water park. So much shade and old stuff, but so thrilling and unique at the same time. The water was cold, but it was so worth it.

^I had thought the same thing of it, as it really had a Knoebel's kind of feel to it! I thought it was really cool to find out that the spring water stays the same temperature all throughout the season no matter how hot it is during the day.

If it wasn't for the crowds, I think I could have done the old chutes the whole time.

^Zach - Wasn't that just awesome to be able to go at Boogie Bahn over and over again without waiting too long? I know around July upon making a return visit to Hersheypark, they had their own wave rider, but the line was horrendous, so it never happend while we were there.

-Gary

Awesome stuff!

Seeing this makes me really anxious for Schlitterbahn Fort Lauderdale to become a reality, even though it obviously won't have the charm this place does.

Awesome stuff. I'd love to get back to Schlitterbahn someday. I still think the "Crazy River" and "Backsplash" were the best things in the park as well as the older side.

Great trip report! Coming from a Native Texan who first visited the awesomeness that is Schlitterbahn over twenty years ago, the older part of park is definitely what sets it apart from I think any park that will come after it. The spring-fed (COOOOLD in the morning) tube chutes that go on forever and the never-ending shade will be very tough for someone else to replicate. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the two new areas, but nowadays a lot of those slides have been copied elsewhere IMO.

And if you think the Torrent River at the NB Schlitterbahn is awesome, you must try the one at Schlitterbahn Kansas City. Seems to be about three/four times as long, with lots of twisty turns, and the waves come about every ten seconds (seem to remember the NB one comes every 30 secs or so or more).

All in all, the report sure brings back some AWESOME memories for me and my family, and the new additions are certainly calling to us to make another trip back. Too bad Schlittercoaster is no more. Now THAT was a slide!

Looks like fun! Hopefully I get to go there one day!