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Chapter 2: The Many Faces of Yomiuri Land Dog After a night in our own personal Zombie Paradises, it was time for a bright-and-early train ride to Yomiuri Land, followed by a long bullet train ride to Fukuoka. But, hey, there were credits to be had. Yomiuri Land was a very nice park with beautiful views (you enter by riding a gondola up a mountain) and a good mix of coasters, walk throughs, funky flat rides, and even a ghetto version of Indiana Jones. I enjoyed it quite a bit. But what I really pulled away from this park were memories of its mascot—Land Dog. Yes, he was one versatile pooch—everything from a cute, sad-eyed mutt to the very harbinger of death itself! Yes, you’ll get a look at some of the faces of Land Dog later. But what of the coasters? Here they are. Bandit—This was one twisted piece of Togo steel that has good air on the drops, but beats the hell out of you on its curves, thanks to all sorts of funky transitions that even Arrow would never dream of trying. But, for all that, I liked it, especially in its “Splash Bandit” incarnation. Yes, every other train is deluged by park guests with Super Soakers at the start, then drowned with fire hoses at strategic parts of the track—lots of fun. And the crew performed a little ritual that became a running gag for the rest of the TPR tour: “Go, go, Bande-e-e-e-et!” White Canyon—I was rather dreading this evil-looking woodie with its “roll-cage” trains, but, you know, it wasn’t half bad. Not a great coaster, but the layout was quite tricky, and it wasn’t nearly as rough as I’d feared. Loop Coaster Momonga—Here was another bizarre pile of Togo: a steel coaster that ran sit-down and stand-up trains on the same track! One would think that you’d get the worst of KD’s Anaconda and Shockwave in one ride, but it was surprisingly good, especially with the stand-up trains. SL Coaster—This was the weirdest ride in the whole park: a family mine-train coaster that’s like an eccentric Kennywood ride, only sans fun. The train takes a big drop right out of the station into a little valley with a lake, promptly slams on the brakes to a near-dead stop, then gradually picks up speed until it reaches its one lifthill, which simply puts you into a helix before slamming on the brakes again before returning to the station. Not good. There was a kiddie coaster that I skipped. The park’s two walk throughs were a kick. Haunted House (original name, that) involved a convoluted backstory (in Japanese, of course) and a parchment that you had to drop into a “medicine box”—very creepy atmosphere and plenty of surprises in this one. The House of Terror was cheesier and a bit rundown, but still fun (you have to love the monster rock band on the second-floor balcony). The Indy ripoff was Mystery World, in which you ride a little jeep through an impenetrable jungle and encounter the obligatory angry natives, wild animals, and dinosaurs. But it has one cool twist—you car shakes around as you pass a live “volcano.” Absolutely hilarious. All in all, Yomiuri Land was a lot of fun—great staff, too. Pictures to follow. Up next—from the cosmic void to the middle of nowhere But, again, it was pretty decent. More to come. Land Dog looks very concerned. Falafel Girl looks pretty concerned. The Fresnonians look concerned. Uh oh! More Togo! Should we be concerned? It really wasn't that bad. But that's OK, Land Dog. A Repentant Land Dog apologizes in advance for White Canyon. A good shot of bourbon would be helpful here. But reach for your Advil here. This part isn't painful. In case you've forgotten, this is Bandit. Arghh! I be Pirate Land Dog! And there be no ducks on my ride, sez I! Bandit was our first stop. . . . and poor Impaled Land Dog. Then there's sleazy Pole-dancer Land Dog . . . Here's Land Dog in his sweet, adorable persona. And it cruises right through Bandit. There's a great view from the gondola. You have to ride the super happy fun gondola from the super happy train station! . . . Yomiuri Land! Ok, kids! It's time to ride the super happy fun train to . . .

^^The walk throughs were the best things at Hanayashiki--absolutely hilarious and completely bizarre.

And I photographed the whole sordid affair, Bill.

We now return to LaQua, which is already in progress. . . . the zombie will follow you home! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Yomiuri Land will be next. Ah, who can ever forget their first time at Zombie Paradise? Truly a magical spot! And when they lift the safety bar . . . See? It's a coaster that spins! Woo hoo! Falafel and Bill say, "Yay for coherence in naming!" What? A name for a coaster that actually describes it? Yeah, I've been to Japan a bunch of times, and I still can't make sense outta this thing! Who you callin' "bitch," bitch? Ok, Geo Panic! Bring it, bitch! What's it like to ride around in a huge catcher's mask? Next up, Geo Panic--a ride that answers an important scientific question. The initial launch is a bit weak, but it picks up steam the second time through. Wow, deja vu! It's like I'm waiting to board Volcano: The Blast Coaster. Linear Gale gets some pretty good air up that back spike.

Chapter 1 (cont.): . . . a Night at Aqua Stadium and LaQua The Jeff Johnson Expedition safely returned to the Shinagawa Prince in time for the tour’s official start at 4:00 pm—a ride on Galaxy Express 999 at Aqua Stadium, the hotel’s very own indoor park. Express is an Intamin launched coaster that was sort of a kinder, gentler version of Flight of Fear. You have to get past a very long pre-show based on a Japanese animated feature about a steam train with a robot conductor that travels between planets and has to deal with bad guys and space pirates and stuff--I think it was based on a very obscure Agatha Christie novel("Twinkle Twinkle Little Killer," or something like that). I don’t think anybody in our group “got it,” but the ride itself was a fun and a perfect introduction to the weirdness to come. Next up was a train ride to Tokyo Dome City, home of LaQua—a park and shopping complex that services the Tokyo Dome (home to the Tokyo Giants pro baseball team). LaQua is a pretty cool place to visit after dark--definitely a "date park." There are four coasters: Thunder Dolphin—this coaster looks more awesome than it rides. The first drop is good, but there is but one pop of airtime on it, and it has this strange portion where the train shimmies back and forth—like a swimming dolphin, I guess. The crew has to do a little ritual dance when trains return, too. Fun, but it’s fairly weak for an Intamin hyper. Linear Gale—Intamin strikes again with an impulse coaster. The first forward launch is fairly weak, but it’s a lot of fun when you shoot up that back spike. Geo Panic—a major “WTF” ride. It’s an indoor coaster that’s sort of a ghetto version of DisneySea’s Journey to the Center of the Earth, what with the caves and rocks and lights and rumbling noises and such. A rough ride, but I couldn’t help but like the damn thing a bit. Spinning Coaster—Hey, a name that makes sense! It’s a coaster, and it spins! Yay for truth in advertising! LaQua also has a great “WTF” dark ride in Zombie Paradise. Well, they were more like goblins than zombies, but it does have its very own zombie/werewolf rock band and cars that are capable of spinning at least once. When the ride starts, it seems like a “family” attraction ala Disney, but it takes a gruesome turn with a torture chamber and kitchen scene where people are bring filleted and roasted—as if Gomez Addams had designed Disney's Haunted Mansion. LaQua made for a fun evening—with a nice taste of the even more eccentric Japanese parks to come. Next up—the dog of a thousand faces Oh, I guess this is what they meant. More to come from LaQua. . . . or visit Parachute Land. (The hell?) . . . scarf down a Frisbee-sized cheeseburger fot $41.50, . . . But what else is there to do at LaQua? Well, you can enjoy a nice can of Pocari Sweat, . . . Yes, Thunder Dolphin--the coaster that goes for the "Big O"! Just check out those comfy Intamin hyper trains. But if your pocekts bulge, the ops will frisk you! LaQua--where you have to empty your pockets, not mention your bladder and bowels (for it was a long wait), to get your Intamin fix! No, we were there for LaQua! What was I thinking? Surely not to eat at Denny's or 7-Eleven. Yes, we had arrived at Tokyo Dome City! But why were we there? So, after plunging across the galaxy and back, we rolled out to our next stop--a place where huge, naked fat men dance in the sky! And we all saw stars after the fierce robotic beating. Don't worry--our robotic handlers will beat the meaning into us! Hmm--despite Robb's cogent explantaion, I still haven't a clue what this ride's about. Tom, I'm going to read the English translation of this ride's backstory. An interpretative dance will not be necessary, thank you. Attention please! Now boarding on track 12, train 666, the Pits of Hell Limited! With stops at Sodom, Armageddon, and the Ninth Circle! Last call! Bo-o-o-o-o-ard! . . . Galaxy Express 999! As tempting as this offer is, I think I'll join the group at Aqua Stadium to ride . . .

Yes. But working for Disney sucked so I went to Universal!! But working at Shrek 4-D sucked so I applied for a job at Busch Gardens! I got the job and better yet I get to work at SheiKra!! I am like so excited!! Yes Busch offers tuition assistance so I will be going back to college but I can not decide what for yet. I really want to be a CSI, but then again I want to design roller coasters, so I have to make up my mind what I want to do first, and then I will go back to college!! ~Matthew It would be interesting to combine the two careers--you could investigate horrible accidents that happen on roller coasters! CSI: Expoland!

I'd say Tokyo DisneySea (not as a disappointment but in answer to the "e-ticket" question).

More from Hanayashiki. I'll leave you with the view from the park's "Bee Tower." Next stop--Aqua Stadium and LaQua. . . . only to be farted upon by a giant sumo butt! Surely, we have tarried here too long! I manage to escape and rejoin the expedition at some strange, magical place . . . Aghh! Run! It's a trap! Where strange, nippleless women dwell! The spinning hypnotic wheel draws us into the Treasure Fort Miracle Stone Maze. Our intrepid leader barely survives his encouner with Michael Jackson's dark side on the "Thriller Ride"! Aghh! A spider who spins chainlink! As we all know, green is the true color of horror! And no smoking elves, please. Only heartless, teetotaling, skinny chicks are allowed on this ride, it seems. Or to Michael Jackson as he appears today! But he's nothing compared to zombie Michael Jackson! Or you could brave the "Thriller Ride!" At first, you're threatened by demonic Michael Jackson! You can even take a spin on sexy Bondage Bear at Hanayashiki! You see! Didn't I warn ya? Don't look now, but your world is about to turn upsidedown!

Chapter 1: A Day at Hanayashiki . . . I was feeling a bit restless the next morning, so I decided to join the Jeff Johnson Expedition to Hanayashiki—Japan’s oldest amusement park (circa 1893, as I recall). Yes it was, indeed, a scurvy, motley bunch of credit whores: Jeff Johnson (or “Old Jeff”), Jeff Waters (or “Young Jeff”), Bill, Rich (or “Hot Fuzz,” my roommate), Shane, Miles, and Steve (who was waiting for us at the hotel bar the first night). What a cool, funky old place Hanayashiki is. You walk through a large, enclosed bazaar, where they sell everything from fried octopus balls to samurai swords, to an old Japanese temple, then down an alley to get there. The amusement park is surrounded by the city—the temple gardens border one side and apartment houses and old high-rise buildings the remaining sides (definitely a neighborhood hangout). Their one coaster, with the catchy name of Rollercoaster, circles the park’s perimeter and was the first of the Japanese “jet coasters” of the trip. This is, I understand, Japan’s oldest roller coaster (circa 1953—pretty old for a steel coaster) and, with its tight trains, quite a “knee banger.” There’s a pretty cool drop and tunnel right at the end. This is where I had my first taste of bizarre Japanese walk throughs—a standard haunted house; the strange, rooftop Treasure Fort Miracle Stone maze; and a truly odd “hall of illusions,” where you stop and watch little animated scenes that end with a dirty joke (usually involving nudity or flatulence). The park also featured the Thriller Car dark ride (which had two pretty good gags), the Surprising House (a homemade wacky shack), and the Bee Tower (an observation ride using birdcages on chains). We had a blast there—the kind of fun that you can have only at a really old, noncorporate park. Here’s a look at Hanayashiki. Next up as Chapter 1 continues—Aqua Stadium and LaQua. It really gets you during this part--more to come. Yes, I think an orthopedist designed this coaster. The ride cruises around the border of the park, trying hard to shatter riders' kneecaps! I hope you're wearing your knee pads, lads! You'll need them! Our first stop--the aptly named "Rollercoaster." Hmm--I think this fellow may be some sort of guard. Just a hunch. And our quest is at an end! God be praised! We trek down this mysterious, narrow street. But in the distance, the park calls. There's even a tribute to our friend, the humble pigeon. (The hell? At least they can crap on themselves for a change.) Relax--the chicken wire is for your protection, not his! The expedition stops to pay proper respect to Japanese tradition at the neighborhood temple. If you're looking for samurai swords, bizarre candy, strange wind-up toys, or pratically anything funky and Japanese, this is the place for you. Shane demonstrates the necessity of maintaining proper hydration by drinking the local swill. (Well, it beats drinking your own urine, right?) While Bill finds his own "special" entertainment. All good expeditions need proper reading material to maintain morale. Rich decides on a provacative issue of Wedge. Sheesh! We gotta find this little park on this friggin' map? This may take some time, lads! The Jeff Johnson Expedition started it's quest at Shinagawa Station.

Introduction: What to Do, What to Do? I’ve been mulling over this trip report and simply can’t get a handle on it. A few folks have asked me what “theme” I’m going to use, or how I’m going to approach my report, but I really haven’t a clue. The beauty of the country, the politeness and efficiency of the people, the coolness and outright weirdness of the parks, the great company—just where is the handle? How can I really capture how awesome this trip was? I’m a bit stumped. So I guess I’ll just plow through it day by day, words and pictures, and see what develops. You’re welcome to come along, of course. Or not. Totally up to you. But you really should. TPR tours are awesome, and you can’t ask for better hosts than Robb and Elissa. I arrived a day before the “official” tour got underway—all the better to deal with losing a day thanks to the International Dateline. My head pounded during the 10-hour-plus flight from San Francisco to Narita, but I was feeling pretty much OK by the time my plane landed—and thank goodness for the efficiency of Japanese Customs and baggage handling (nice, quick, and painless—not to mention friendly). So I joined the Alveys and the rest of the early arrivals, got on the Narita Express (Japan Rail Passes rule), and made it to the Shinagawa Prince Hotel early that evening—in time for a nice evening amble in Tokyo’s crazy Shinjuku district. I’ll let the pictures tell the story from here. Next up—The Jeff Johnson Expedition to Japan’s oldest amusement park, and the tour’s official start So, no one went to Sexy Club. Good night, Shinjuku! "OK, Lou, we'll spin this little wheel. If I win, we go to Sexy Club. If you win, we go to Sexy Club. Ergo, it's win-win for one of us." The sign in the previous picture was not in front of the "Sexy Club." Hmm--what if the woman is not taking the man? Can she go in then? Is it a trash can or a robot? You make the call. They even had this strange video game you can play with trading cards. Robb takes on the Old Man on the drum game at an arcade. It's exhausting just watching people play this thing. Oooh! We are all dazzled by the pretty lights! Thank you, Mega Penguin! . . . yet you can find little "traditional" joints like this. The whole area has a sort of "Blade Runner" vibe, . . . Yes, all the children of the night worship Mega Penguin! Massive penguin overlords rule the night! I, for one, welcome their enlightened administration. Robb took us stomping around the Shinjuku district, which is like Times Square on steroids. The view from my hotel room through my still jetlagged eyes--time to go out on the town! Here's what your fellow travelers look like when even your camera has jet lag on the Narita Express,

Yes, you have not experienced Jaws until you have heard it in Japanese.

Looks like Robb and Elissa will have to plan a Central Valley Tour--Granite Park in Fresno, Funderland in Sacramento, and Micke's Grove in Lodi (with an optional addon to Pixie Woods in Stockton and maybe the Nut Tree in Vacaville). Or not.

That is like the pot calling the kettle black! Bob and Ryan were the Condiment Crusaders--Ketchup Man and Saucy, the Boy Wonder. Universal Japan was great--an easier-to-navigate version of the Florida park, with a bit of the California version and IOA thrown in for good measure. If they throw in MIB and Mummy, it could be the best of the bunch.

Tivoli also had the coolest simulator ever--Ultraman! Yes, join the Science Patrol and help Ultraman beat the crap out of guys in rubber monster suits!

Even though Euroburg is my home park, I'd probably give a slight edge to Sheikra because of its setting--but both are awesome rides.

Happy to provide you with a cool mew avatar, Pete--you do look like a maximum badass with that shotgun. The shooting walk-through was the coolest thing at Central Park (and one of the coolest non-Disney attractions on the whole trip). Diavalo was pretty good, too.

I`m looking forward to checking the new-and-improved Florida Mansion in October--good to hear that it`s finally received the love it deserves.

Well, we had the final group dinner tonight, and I`m heading back to the States tomorrow. As for summing up the Japan Adventure Tour, I got three words for ya . . . Red Dawn Awesome! Thanks Robb and Elissa--you`ve outdone yourselves again! Everybody on this site needs to get their butts over to Tokyo DisneySea--the best Disney park of them all, I think.

^Yeah, it was tough enough just getting the coasters in--and I`m a big fan of haunted walk throughs (an hour wait to take a 45-minute walk did seem a bit much). As for Eejanwhatthehell, I think FujiKu could have saved a lot of money by just rolling people down a hill in a barrel.

the human....what??? Is that like those zorb thingys they have in New Zealand? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIWfNkKfMyQ They have Zorb at Kajima--and it`s pretty trippy.

There`s a pretty cool haunted house at Spaland, too--especially the crazed cat woman. This was described as Japan`s version of CP in the 1970s. It kinda felt like Dorney to me.

Good TR--you're doing just fine. Glad you had fun at Euroburg--I'm quite happy to call it my "home park."

How about "Dominatrix: Mondo Bondage"? They could use the old Tubes' song as the soundtrack for the ride (I'm sure they could get the rights cheap). Actually, that would work better for Shockwave.

I couldn't agree more. I've been saying for a couple years that they should remove Anaconda, Shockwave, and Hurler. ...and add a B&M and/or an Intamin coaster. I agree 100% that Anaconda should be ripped out, but Shockwave and Hurler? Hurler needs some re-tracking. But Shockwave... It has the 3rd longest line whenever I go to KD. Volcano and FoF always beat it. But Shockwave's line always spills out of the entrance. And when I rode it it wasn't that rough except for that final turnaround before the brakes. I'll grant yout that Hurler has been running better this season (they have done some retracking around the big banked curves at either end). Shockwave's line is usually hideously long because it takes so long to check the restraints and dispatch the trains, so I'm not sure it's a mark of popularity as much as it is a capacity/operations problem.

Actually, I'd rather have them rip out Anaconda at KD and replace it with that B&M floorless.