Funniest Jokes!

[Twister II]

What are some of the funniest jokes you have heard? Post them here!

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The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers:

 

"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

 

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

 

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

 

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."

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Im sorry if I affened anyone.

[Kroger8]

HAHAHAHAHAHA Thats great!!! OH I didn't know I had to post a joke.

 

Here is a good one, A blonde was driving down the road when she noticed another blonde girl out in the middle of a field in a rowboat, rowing. Well the blonde driving pulled over to the side of the road got out of her car infurated, and screamed at the blonde in the rowboat, "It's blondes like you that make us other blondes look bad!" So the blonde in the boat replies "Well if I make you so mad why don't you come out here and get me!" so the first blonde says "Well, if I could swim I WOULD!"

[edboxer]

Two blonds walked into a building - you'd have thought one of them would have seen it.....

[phazan]

^^i liked that one!

 

okay here is one.

 

winter is coming and the indians are gathering wood for the cold...

 

the chief indian goes and asks the weatherman if the winter will be really cold. the weatherman says ''it will be a cold winter.''

 

the chief tells the indians ''it will be a cold winter so gather more wood!''

 

all the indians are working hard so the chief goes back and asks ''are you sure it will be a cold winter?''the weatherman says ''it will be a very cold winter.''

 

the chief goes back and says it will be a very cold winter so gather a lot of wood!

 

the chief starts to feel sorry and goes back one more time and asks ''are you sure this winter will be cold?''

 

the weatherman says ''yes this winter will be VERY cold!''

 

the chief says ''how do you know this?''

 

the weatherman replies''because the indians are gathering wood like crazy!!!''

[BelizeIt]

A man escapes from prison, breaks into a house, and finds a couple sleeping. He orders the husband out of bed at knifepoint and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, he kisses her neck for minute. Then the criminal gets up and goes to the bathroom.

 

The husband hurriedly leans over and whispers to his wife, "This guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a women in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist---just do whatever he tells you, and with any luck we'll make it out alive. Stay strong, honey. I love you."

 

"Oh, he wasn't kissing my neck," his wife whispers back. "He was talking in my ear. He told me he thought you were really cute and then asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom under the sink. Stay strong, honey. I love you, too."

[Sir Clinksalot]

Oldie but a goodie:

 

So this guy walks in to a pet store and wants to buy an animal he can talk to.

 

The guy at the store says "How bout' this parrot, it will repeat everything you say". The guy says "Sure, that sounds really cool"

 

So the guy takes the bird home and is trying to get it to talk.

 

While in the shower the guy says "Oh I want my ass clean", but the bird didn't say anything.

 

Later that day some kids are playing baseball and they hit the ball through the window, the guy ducks and says "Watch out, that almost hit my F**k'n head", but the bird didn't say anything.

 

Later that same day a donkey was stuck in the middle of the road. Somebody asked "How do we move it" and the guy says "Slap her in the ass", but the bird still didn't say anything.

 

So the next day the guy and the bird are in church and the priest says "HALLELUIA" and the bird says "Oh I want my ass clean".

 

The priest throws the bible at the bird, the bird ducks and says "Watch out, that almost hit my F**k'n head".

 

Then some fat lady fainted and the priest says "How do we move her" and the bird says "Slap her in the ass".

 

Gregg "I must have heard that one in like 4th grade" C.

[Twister II]

How dose Michael Jackson pick his nose?

 

Out of a cataloge.

 

....think....

 

ok, now laugh..

 

 

Sorry, it took me a few seconds to get this one.

[Twister II]

Sorry for double post, but I just remembed this one.

 

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

 

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

 

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

 

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

 

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[CoasterCrazy88]

Two women went out to a bar one night without their husbands. When they left the bar, they were so drunk they could not find their car, so they decided to walk home. They ended up taking a few wrong turns, and they soon found themselves in a cemetary. They both needed to use the bathroom, so they each went to a tree and peed. Since there was no toilet paper, one woman used her underwear to wipe herself. The other woman did not want to use her panties, so she used a ribbon off a boquet of fresh flowers.

 

 

The next morning, the two husbands were talking. The one said," You wouldn't believe what happened last night. My wife came home without her underwear." The other husband replied," You think that's wierd, my wife came home with a ribbon stuck to her butt that said,"I'll never forget you"!"

 

Antonio" I hope everyone enjoyed that"G.

[Sir Clinksalot]

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

 

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

 

_______________

 

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

Out of a catalog.

 

_______________

 

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

 

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

 

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

 

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

 

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

 

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[kat11joe]

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

 

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".

After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around and drove home.

 

You know you're a Roller Coaster Enthusiast when you're at the store and some guy scream's "You S.O.B!" and You instantly think "huh, Son of Beast, where?"

[phazan]

a pirate walks into a bar and he has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch.

the bartender says''how did you get the wooden leg?''

the pirate replies''a shark ripped it off.''

the bartender then asks'' how did you get the hook?''

the pirate replies''i lost my hand in a sword fight.''

the bartender asks'' how did you get the eye patch?''

the pirate says'' a seagull pooped in my eye.''

the bartender says''thats not so bad. how did that make you get an eyepatch?''

the pirate says'' it was the first day with the hook!''

[Kroger8]

A pirate with a steering wheel attached to his crotch, walked into a bar.

The bartender says "Hey pirate, what are you doing with that steering wheel on your crotch?"

The pirate replies "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"

[Big Ed]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

 

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

 

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

 

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[Twister II]

SuperCrack got his from ComedyCentral.com!

 

If you drink, don't park, that could cause accidents.

[where'smyhotdog]

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

 

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

 

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

 

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

 

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

 

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

 

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.

 

"How did you know?"

 

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

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A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

 

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

 

The boy says, "That won't work."

 

His mom says, "Why?"

 

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

[MiamiBoii4392]

"The only thing as dangerous as a drunk drunk driver is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

'...Dude make a left'

 

'Those are trees...'

 

'...Trust me'"

[onewheeled999]

Gotta go with the classic from Monty Python's Flying Circus...

 

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

 

Dung.

 

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Two idiots were walking through the forest one evening, and soon they saw some tracks. The first idiot says "Hey look, there's some deer tracks!" The second one says "No, those are bear tracks!" So they argue about it for three hours, and then get run over by a train.

 

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[coasterfreaksrttd]

A blonde was was sitting at her kitchen table. She called to her husband "Honey! Could you help me with this puzzle? I'm trying to match the picture of the tiger on the box but none of the peices fit!" The husband came into the room and said "Honey, put the frosted flakes away,"

[where'smyhotdog]

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

[Woogle]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT "WOMEN" AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED NATIONAL."

 

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

 

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

 

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

 

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

 

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

 

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

 

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

 

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

 

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

 

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORIALLY SUPERIOR."

 

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT "MEN" AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

 

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

 

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

 

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

 

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

 

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

 

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

 

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

 

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

 

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

 

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE

[Woogle]

Think before you speak...

 

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

immediately take the words back...

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

 

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and

three kids in tow and asked loudly,

"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better.

 

SECOND TESTIMONY:

 

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen

who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said ,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."

 

THIRD TESTIMONY:

 

My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

 

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

 

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

"right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and

said in a voice just as threatening,

"If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard as

the door closed behind me,

were screams of laughter.

 

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

 

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training

and I was on him constantly

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch

in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,

and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,

and I don't have any clean clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,

because the smell was getting worse.

So, I asked one more time,

"Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An older couple made me feel better,

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor who,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

[i am legend--in bed]

^ OMG I almost died on the last one.

 

very funny