"Untitled" Story

[Kalepi_Konei]

Ok well, I recently read the book Drums Girls and Dangerous Pie by Jordan Sonnenblick and it inspired me to start writing. So, I decided to post an "in progress" story, please tell me what you think and if its worth it to continue.

 

P.S. I need a name so keep suggesting ideas...

 

Criticism wanted....

 

------------------------------------------

 

I stand here under an overpass paint can in my hand looking at my empty canvas that lay in front of me. My hands are getting sweaty, and slowly but surely I can feel the can slip from them. I take a quick glance around me, the small crowd of people eagerly awaiting my start of the project, the space seems to get tighter and tighter as the anxiety rises, and I start to feel claustrophobic. I am sweating nervously and can feel my hair falling down my face from the sudden rush of moisture, I push my bangs aside. I stand in this spot under the overpass as I hear cars flying by and I am almost frozen in time, I think of the past events that lead me to this point. After a while of searching I find a place to start, September 6th 2007, the first day of my freshman year in high school. The day hadn’t gotten off to a great start, you see my mom doesn’t really like my dad, she just married him for his money, they bicker and fight all the time, yet I had seen nothing that topped that fight ever before in my life, (yet if I knew of what was going to happen in my future I would call that “mild.”) I particularly remember I woke up in a great mood, yet I was extremely nervous, my mom had made bacon and eggs that morning to celebrate this grand occasion, (and in my family bacon and eggs is a huge celebration.) My mom called me down to breakfast and I hurriedly ran to the table, (my mom’s cooking tops nothing else I’ve ever tasted before.) Well it turns out that my dad was drunk, as always, but today he wasn’t just drunk he was wasted. I remember wondering how he got down stairs with that wobbly drunk man strut he has, when I saw him get up and walk over to my mom and say why cant you ever make sausage biscuts. He stuttered his way through that sentence somehow and then out of the blue slapped my mom right in the face. I immediately ran up to my dad and yelled why cant you ever stop drinking! He started to open his mouth and these words stammered out of his mouth well I never, you better learn some respect-t to your elders. Then he did something that set my mom ablaze, he slapped me in the face and said you’ll never amount to anything you’re a worthless piece of shit, we should throw you to the dogs! My mom recovered very quickly after that and took the pan of bacon grease and splashed it into his chest, while at the same time yelling some unrepeatable words I must add. She then told me to run upstairs get ready for school, and to get my father a towel. My mom called 911 and an ambulance arrived for my father, and my mother drove me too school.

[Wes]

Um, maybe start by using paragraphs and proper grammar. Sorry, the story is damn near unreadable.

[King of Ka]

I don't really get it. I know this is just the beginning, but there's absolutely no connectivity between the start and end points you've given.

 

Also, during the first part you seem to have adopted a rather unoriginal (and not to mention uninteresting) writing style, from there it pretty much just rambles on. I have no idea where you're going with this story, but with that as your opening, I don't see many options.

 

Obviously you're still a budding writer, but you should really proofread your work before, say, posting it to a theme park site.

[DBru]

Ugh, well...it was interesting.

 

Before you got into the whole "my father was drunk" stuff, you had a nice lead going. I really felt like I was in your place...

 

Then you started rambling, and it just didn't work. Go back before the flashback, and start over from there.

 

But yeah, I have no idea where you could go with this...

[Kalepi_Konei]

Thank you for the criticism, I understand my grammar isnt all that great, I understand the opinions viewed in it all, I suppose I should start with a prologue (back story) before I start with the original story, I do know I started rambling, I will edit it for grammar, and I will just basically get rid of the flashback story (very wierd part I know.) Again I thank you for the constructive criticism, I will try to make it better, and then come back when I'm ready.

 

P.S. The theme is a graffiti troubled kid sorta theme so I was thinking of naming it "Coloring Outside The Lines" what do you think?

 

UPDATE: Ok I took into consideration everyones opinions on this, and tried to go into a little bit different direction, so instead of having a flashback, it just starts from the beginning. And I went into more of a gang drive to keep the story going a little later, which gives him the reason for graffiti.

 

WARNING: This next section is a tester beginning, I would most appreciate feedback on this, to see if you like it, or if you still think I ramble on....

 

Story Name: Coloring Outside The Lines

 

Background Info: A story on a young man who gets caught in the wrong situation in a ghetto neighborhood, when things get too far out of hand, the young man gets put into drugs, gangs, and graffiti.

 

I stand here under an overpass paint can in my hand, looking at my empty canvas that stands in front of me. My palms are getting sweaty and slowly but surely I can feel the cans slip from them. I take a quick glance around me, the small crowd of people eagerly waits for me to start my art work, the space seems to get tighter and tighter as the anxiety rises, and I start to feel claustrophobic. I am sweating nervously and can feel my hair falling down my face from the sudden rush of moisture, I push my bangs aside. I start out slowly pressing the spray nozzle down inch by inch with more pressure I start in towards the wall, the colors start to blend and create as I continue further into my soon to be downfall. As I finish my work I take a step back and look at it. The “art” on the wall was promoting the turf of the Valencia 13 gang. The slew of people that surrounded me had all been stating their opinions, and criticizing my work. They all seemed to stop and turn around simultaneously to look at their leader to get his approval. Juan Carlos (better known as JC) was the leader of the west side Valencia 13’s, and if he didn’t like something, nobody did. JC stood there staring at the defaced wall and after a while of contemplating he nodded. Immediately they all rushed towards me congratulating me and welcoming me into the brotherhood, then all of a sudden the cops pulled up. Everybody made a scramble back towards their bikes, and the few that had cars, and there I was, like a deer in headlights shocked at what was in front of me, my feet planted firmly in the ground, and the paint can still clutched in my hand all I could think of was, what would my family think. I knew my mother who was so proud to be a Hispanic, and proud to have accomplished her dreams here in America would be ashamed. She would no longer raise her head high when she walked out of the house, as if to say “here I am.” She would now bow her head in shame, and disgrace that her own blood, would do this. These thoughts running through my head immediately triggered my sense into running like hell. The police chased me and a few others in hopes of catching one of us, to “rat” out the rest, but we knew, something like that, would mean death to you, and your family.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Tell me what you think. And Im trying to stay away a ghetto story its more of a background on the life of this kid, which just has some ghetto parts too it, so no its not going to be based totally on living in the ghetto.

 

 

[Wes]

You're still not breaking things into paragraphs, you change from present to to past tense, it has absolutely no flow, it's disjointed as hell, it makes no sense... Sorry, it's still pretty much unreadable. The same problems are still there, you just changed what you were writing about.

Maybe you should write a draft, and have a teacher go over your problem areas with you. Having a good understanding on the basics of writing style will assist you further down the line.

[Kalepi_Konei]

Okay, well a few blocks down from my house is my old English teacher (luckily.) I'll go down there, and see what can be corrected. Thank you Wes for showing my faults in my grammar, punctuation, and paragraphing.

[DBru]

You went into the "cop showed up" part way too suddenly. Give me some details...

[Kalepi_Konei]

Yeah I agree, that was just a tester though, but I totally agree, still fixing it, going over grammar, punctuation, and all that jazz. Im fixing it right now, in fact the first thing I went back to was the cops pulled up and just went DELETE. Im going to go into alot more detail and talk about something completely different, maybe at the end of the story put him in Jail and talk about the after effects and how it changed his life. Im just trying to lead some where and your right, the cops thing is totally just out there.

 

EDIT: EXPECT AN UPDATE SOMETIME IN THE NEXT WEEK OR 2 IM GOING ON VACATION (sorry bout all caps.)

 

Dont worry though, Ill be working on more then just page one, and Ill try to find a wi-fi cafe up in Indiana (going to Indiana Beach.)

[TheBannedKid]

Oh, I can't wait for the update!

[Kalepi_Konei]

Oh my, that made me laugh so hard you have no idea! Thanks for brightining up my day (yes I know it was sarcasm that's why I laughed.) Anyways, right now Im sitting in a cyber cafe at the airport, my flight leaves in about 30 minutes so I thought Id check in on TPR for a bit, this flights been stressing my family like crazy so its good to get a laugh. If you have any ideas for a story line or anything you would like to hear about in the story just post it, and Ill try to fit it in.

[Kalepi_Konei]

EDIT: Sorry for the double post...

 

Well. Ive decided to scrap the first story and go for something real thats happening in my life right now. I do not care about grammar right now, this right now is more of a vent story then it is a story, but since the person I'm venting about doesn't go to this site then I'm perfectly fine with doing it.

 

People: My Mom, Sister, Dad, and Me. (Dreida, Sarah, Mark, Caleb)

 

Background Info: Divorced parents, crack addict/bipolar father/ controlling mother/ drunk/party sister, Stuck in the middle of this Me

 

I know I should really be posting this in the vent forum, but...I thought I might as well scrap my old story and start with something from the heart.

This isnt in any story form yet, right now I am just venting but will eventually turn it into a story.

 

Ok, well I just had myself a long good cry so I think I'm a little better right now but I still need to vent.

 

Ok heres the deal....

 

My dad has been a crack addict all his life, and my mom unknowing this married the SOB. He then started to show his true side of himself pushing his family away, hes been out of work for a while now, and doesnt pay any child support. Ive been stuck sitting here at home basically despising my dad who cant even take a hint. Well recently I found out my sister has been sneaking out of the house and going to parties to get drunk. Well upon my mom finding out she basically went into a nervous break down, my sister is supposed to be going to college next year, and shes been gliding through this crap dumping all the other BS onto other people, thinking she can just glide on through this. My dad is supporting all this crap, and my sister and dad have made some sort of affiliation against my mom. Well my mom being all controlling and crap cant do anything about this because she cant stop my sister because she turns 18 on the 12th of next month, so shes basically a free bird.

She thinks that supposedly she's going to live with her friend Kyle down in the Keys, and that she's getting my dads car. Well my dads car is his own form of transportation so I dont know what he's going to do without it. He currently lives (with a record) in his girlfriends house unemployed (because no one hires a convicted felon.) And he basically puts all these ideas into my sisters head, and she thinks she can do all this, but she cant. To give you an idea of how much I despise my dad, recently my mom took us all to Disney for fathers day, and despite how much I LOVE rollercoasters in the middle of the day, I fake sicked it and started crying like I threw up or something, and had my mom take me home. Well, back on track, my mom cant do anything because shes too busy working 2 jobs a week, every day, and she works more then she sees her kids. Today I confronted my sister about all this BS and I cant take it anymore, I need to vent because shes basically denying all this shiznit going on and I cant take it anymore, Im about to explode with anger.

My mom is dumping all of her problems onto me, talking to me about all this BS like I really need to be talked to. And my mom is still in nervous breakdown mode, and she just wont admit it. And now she talks about church and keeping her faith and how this has made her "stronger in the church." And she wont take advice from me or anyone EXCEPT the bishop in the church, and shes trying to tag me along with her (I DESPISE church) so I never go, and shes trying to do everything said above, and preach at home and all this BS its annoying!

 

If you read this thank you for letting me vent, and yes I know Im in the wrong topic, but Im eventually going to turn this into a story.

[Teacups Make Me Sick]

Maybe you should sick to what you know...maybe create a fantasy story or write about your own life experiences.

 

Because...

 

IMO-You lost credibility right off the bat...your "mother" marring a man who she didn't know had a crack habit is pretty unbelievable. A crack habit is difficult to hid (missing teeth, no job, irritable, burnt fingers).

 

Also, the fact that "your father" was able to produce two kids is rather difficult considering a typical side effect of crack is impotence.

[Kalepi_Konei]

^

 

1. These are real life experiences.

2. My mom really didnt know.

3. Me and my sister are living proof he has kids

4. And I have witnessed first hand my fathers crack addiction, so I am very sorry if this all seems "fantasy" but this is really what happened to me and my family.

[DBru]

Oh...wow...

[the ghost]

Ummm. This is kind of aquard. I dont really know what to say, it was ok but if its all Neall than this is better than I thought.

[AllenA07]

Awkward...

 

Maybe you should see a counselor or something?

[Teacups Make Me Sick]

Well if I sounded a bit harsh its b/c your story doesn't make much sense to an adult reader, it lacks detail and feeling for someone who is going through a rough time.

 

If you really want to do yourself good and live a life where you don't hate/resent your father, mother, and sister...you should seek counseling or a group to talk about what you are going through.

 

You should ask yourself if posting your personal stuff online and asking people to critique you is doing you any good.

[TheBannedKid]

Sign up with TPR now!

 

WE HAS CRAZIES!

[BeemerBoy]

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

EDIT: Sorry, dude. The situation you appear to be stuck in is definitely unfortunate. I'm just not sure exactly where this thread is going.