Electerik

As far as I can tell, the only mini golf in the Florida Keys is Boondocks in Ramrod Key. But it's not just a mini golf course, it's also a restaurant! We arranged things so that we could have dinner there and play the course on our way out from Key West. Just one small problem: the service we got at the restaurant was so ridiculously slow that we weren't able to start on the mini golf until dusk, and didn't get back on the road until dark--which had not been our plan. Now, obviously, the service someone else receives might be different. And, indeed, there were people seated after us who were finished with their meals and gone before we'd even gotten our food. And this, no doubt, cast a pall over the entire experience. Still, I'll try to be as fair as I can with our review.... The Boondocks mascot is a caveman, for some reason. As you drive in, the mini golf is on the left... And the restaurant is on the right. Like every restaurant in the keys, it's open-air. So, the waitress talked up a particular type of fish to Misty, but then told her they were out when she tried to order it. Okay. So she ordered a different type of fish, which unexpectedly came out as a fish sandwich. My burger was quite good, though. And it was what I ordered. You're not fooling me, Boondocks. I know a store-bought ice cream bar plopped down on a fancy plate when I see one. Attached to the restaurant is a gift shop. I like that they sell their own branded merchandise. But I hardly think there's anything here that would make one want to purchase it. On to the single 18-hole mini golf course. this was interesting: Instead of just handing you a golf ball, they give you a token which you use to get your ball out of a gumball machine. Pointless, but different and cool. On the other hand, somehow a simple ball return could result in a free game. Or you're supposed to just drop it in the bucket. Your guess is as good as mine, honestly. The course looks nice enough. Standard "adventure golf" style, but flags always add a touch of class. There was apparently some sort of special "glow golf" event scheduled for that evening, at least some of which was already set up. Honestly, it looked pretty silly. I liked the "rough" areas as well (though they're hardly anything unique). Starting to get dark now. A couple things of note in this shot: 1. the glow stick wrapped around the wooden pylon, and 2. the net on the left edge of the green, to be used if you accidentally hit your ball into the water. "Hello, I'm a caveman. That's different, right?" This hole was quite tricky. (Note Smisty over on the left, fetching the net.) Wait, what does a Buddha statue have to do with cavemen?? Wow, a second round on the same course? How exciting! Well, there you have it: Boondocks--standard mini golf with a few small flourishes and a questionable restaurant. I can't really say I'd recommend it--unless, of course, you're attempting to play every mini golf course in Florida. (But that would be crazy!)

We only went Sunday, and we thought it was a bit crowded. Getting the pie wasn't so bad, but once you had it, there weren't enough tables set up for everyone to sit down. (There was room for more tables, though--so hopefully they'll have more in the future.) Still, we had a good time and were happy we went. I would read such such a thread with much interest. The more the merrier, says I. Speaking of which: Could a B&AS/E&SFO crossover be brewing? Hmmmm....

Well, it wasn't really a pinball machine, is the thing. More like plinko. So, no. We were only able to attend on Sunday. Got there early, but were wiped out (by the sun) by 3:00pm. I assume that stuff happened on Saturday. There didn't seem to be anything like that while we were there. And, in closing, let me just say: Pie!

^ Nice! Yeah, I was singing it every time I saw one of those signs.

If you follow either Smisty or myself on Twitter or facebook, then you already know how excited we were for this next one.... The Great American Pie Festival Ah, Celebration, the town Walt Disney didn't build. There was an exotic car show in town at the same time, but that's not really our bag. It's the pie-nal countdown! There is nothing that isn't funny about this sign. From the website: "The American Pie Council® (APC) is the only organization dedicated to preserving America's pie heritage and promoting America's love affair with pies." Simply awesome. We decided to start with some real food. Er...sort of. Yes, this is a cheeseburger with brisket on top. And yes, it was amazing. The "world's largest pinball machine." I'm on a pie-way to hell! I'm so happy I could pie! Yes, they're about to open up the best thing here: the Never Ending Pie Buffet. Must...not...be...distracted. The buffet consisted of six or seven different companies offering 4-6 of their best and/or most interesting types of pie. Honestly, I'm not sure how many different types of pie there were altogether, as many companies had overlapping offerings. Still, there was plenty of variety. Wait...shellfish? White Chocolate Cherry Dream ended up being my personal favorite. Publix grocery was also there, offering pie, ice cream, and swag! And Village Inn gave out little binocular thingies (in addition to pie, of course). It's 92 degrees out and there's almost no shade. Who wants coffee? The topping bar looked interesting, but turned messy pretty quickly. We passed. The California Raisin Marketing Board brought some pretty interesting pies. The one pictured turned out to be Misty's favorite, and she doesn't even like raisins. S'cuse me while I kiss this pie! Smisty is not unimpressed. Sometimes I just can't resist pie-eling it on. Heading back for round two, we find it's...picked up a little. Isn't Key Lime pie supposed to be green-ish? Oh well, it was really good! And this week's 'Misty is going to kill me photo' is.... Moving away from the pie buffet we find plenty of other pie-related activities. A dream come true, for me. Check one off the list. Cooking demonstration? Check. Me misreading the sign as "demon station"? Check. Okay, so we paid $2.00 for a bottle of water at the food truck, it's free in the buffet area, and here it's...I don't even know. Spin the wheel for a free prize! Also, there was a drawing for the grill. Which Misty won. Bounce house! And, for some reason, a parrot. "Piecasso" pie-pan decorating. I approve of this pun. And last, but certainly not least, bored children waiting to do something fun. At last The Pie Judge arrives and it's time for the pie eating contest! Good job, kids! We're not laughing at you, honest. It was hot, it was crowded, and we had to carry this damned grill all the way to our car--but we had loads of fun! And about 17 slices of pie, between us. I want to pie like an eagle, to the C...! (Celebration, that is.) Pie pie now.

No no, they're not unhappy with us (so far as I know), we are boycotting them! /Clearwater = evil.

Chocolate-less Chocolate Festivals make me sad. I'm glad I don't live in Alabama.

The Key West Aquarium is the worst aquarium we've ever been to--because it's tiny, ancient, and funky. Of course, it's also the best aquarium we've ever been to, as well--because it's tiny, ancient, and funky. The aquarium is in the Mallory Square "tourism-central" area of Key West. Hey, way to ruin the shot, brat. Just inside the building is this "maritime history" display. By far the best thing about this place is the place itself. Which is to say, the building--which I'm pretty sure was built by Battlestar Galactica's Colonials, or at the very least the ancient Egyptians. Now, take a close look at this photo. What's your first thought? If you're anything like me, it was probably, "Okay, it's not very big, but their thing is touch pools and they have a bunch of them. In fact, the whole middle area is touch pools." But, like me, you'd be wrong. Only the front pool is an actual touch pool. All the low-level pools beyond that are what are technically known as "incredibly dangerous." Speaking of the touch pool, this is a conch. Looks tasty, don't it? Me, I would have painted a mural of swimming fish. But sure, dudes unloading crates of dead fish from boats is cool, too. "Hey baby, got any eggs you need me to carry around for you?" *wink, wink* "I found that joke offensive, thank you very much." Yes, it's the true mark of thoughtful animal husbandry, inviting your guests to shine a flashlight into sleeping animals' eyes! "I'd really rather you didn't." There's a guided tour if you wish. Which is funny because the entire aquarium is, like, 8 feet long. Honestly, the place is so small that there's no real way to *avoid* the tour once it gets going. This middle pool contain sea turtles and stingrays, by the way. Which aren't really that dangerous, I guess. Still, most places try to make barriers that are higher than your center of gravity. Here's what I learned from the tour: The reason this turtle is so ugly is because it has scoliosis. No, seriously. I didn't know they could get that, either. But don't worry, the aquarium is working on making the turtle a nice vest it can wear. Hey, what's in this pool? Holy crap! Oh, by the way, don't put your hands in there. Now, I know you really want to pet a shark, so don't worry: One of the employees will just haul one up out of the water for you to pet. "Dude, that chick just totally pulled one of the sharks out of the water! It's dying!" "Go ahead. Pull me out of the water." There is slightly more to the aquarium than just the main building. In fact, there are two seperate outdoor areas. This is the one for midgets. (Okay, okay--the archway isn't actually as low as the photo makes it look.) Ladies and gentlemen, fish *outside*! Smisty spots something out of sorts.... "Um...I'm not a fish. Or even a mammal. I'm a bird. Can you, um, let me out now?" "Dude, relax. We got a good thing going here!" This is a weird photo. But then, the Key West Aquarium is a weird place. "Hey, thanks for the mulch, toolbags! It's just like back home in the swamp!" The second outdoor area, unsurprisingly, is also weird. "Hey, wait a minute! 'Turtles bite'? Fudge you! Humans bite! Oh...wait, you meant...? Oh, yeah, okay, we do do that. Sorry." Most times I just stare at the photo until a caption comes to me. But that's not working in this case. There you go, a little glimpse into my "process." Turns out that door isn't really supposed to be open. Hey, that's cool, a touch pool in a row boat. "Hey, this isn't a touch pool! But they only put up two little signs! And they never even come check on us! It's...it's horrible!" A conch display. Delicious conch. Now, hang on here. Are we seriously to believe that the Key West Aquarium is inviting us to put our mouths on this thing? An overview of the back area. I kind of get the feeling that this used to be the front entrance, though, based on the sign. Heading back in, looking down the length of the building. The educational portion of this update. Yeah, I know you're not gonna read it. Let me just summarize: It was the Great Depression, so the government sent a bunch of hobos down to Key West to paint stuff. Ta-da! The Goliath Grouper waves goodbye. "Look kids, it's Nemo! And he wants us to leave!" The Key West Aquarium: Terrifyingly awesome!

So, koalas at Australian zoos are kind of like Manatees at Florida parks: cheap and plentiful.

^^^ ^^ ^ You guys are the best! I've been toying with the idea of a 1-photo update since the Smoky Mountain thread, and now I've finally done one. So...yay. Expect a proper update tomorrow. You may not get one--but, you know, expect one.

I was at that first show with Tilikum on Wednesday. It was actually pretty emotional. Lots of SeaWorld nerds there. The crowd was really excited to see him back. No booing or negativity--just the opposite, in fact.

Located in the Channelside Bay Plaza shopping center in Tampa, is Splitsville--part restaurant, part bowling alley, and home to.... The World's Largest Bowling Pin Allegedly.

I was originally going to include this photo in the update, but it made my soul hurt.

Holiday World's is one of my least favorite. Short, uninteresting, slow--and the theming/name makes no sense! I love HW, but the Lewis & Clark Trail is one of their weakest offerings, really.

Worse than License To Kill? $2.00 to park, pay-per-ride (or unlimited ride-all-day wristband for $18.00), everything else is free to get into. Yes! The awfulness of the website is why we didn't go on our first trip down to that area. Only when Jakizle posted photos right after that did we even realize it was open! And the best part is, if you call the number listed, it just goes to some poor random chick's voicemail!

Dollywood has my favorite, Rockin' Roadway. True, you can't control your own speed (no bumping), but the on-board soundtrack and auto repair shop themed station more than make up for that. I used to really like Le Mans Raceway at Busch Gardens Williamsburg, as well, but those are sadly gone now.

The world's first coaster?! As a coaster enthusiast, I find that very exciting! /This could change everything!

Okay, so what can I say about our first--and almost certainly last--visit to Uncle Bernie's? Obviously, it's ghetto. We knew that. Still, it sounded weird enough that we wanted to see it for ourselves. Of course, once we got there, we were too terrified to actually ride much. Still, it was certainly Oddventures-worthy. And we did live through the experience, so there's that. Uncle Bernie's Amusement Park, at the Swap Shop By night, the Swap Shop is an old-school drive-in movie theater. But, during the day, it becomes UNSPEAKABLE TERROR. Parking is $2.00. But still, make sure you lock your car. You know what? Just avoid the whole issue by NOT EVER COMING HERE. Okay, but how do I get up to the roof for the toilets? Screw it, I'll just have some BEER FOOD BEER. My mom used to take me to swap meets when I was a kid. Until I was able to finally vocalize how much I despised them. Oh look, a free museum! Now, you may be wondering, why would we even come to such a place? Morbid curiosity, mostly. And that never hurt anyone, right? So, the free museum is full of expensive automobiles--which obviously makes perfect sense at a swap meet. Venturing further in to the indoor portion of the Swap Shop, we quickly find ourselves in even weirder territory. What are you trying to say, Misty? That we're taking a CHANCE with our lives by being here? Don't be a pussy. This store seems legit. Yes, drive a mini car. Unless you're Spider-Man. Then just ride a lion. "Clowns Things"? Heading out of the interior portion of the Swap Shop from the other side, we find ourselves in sort of a breezeway area. You can see so much in me, so much in me that's new. My imagination actually jumped out of my body and ran away upon viewing this. One of two farmer's market areas. This is the nicer one. You'll see what no one else can see, and now I'm breaking free! Hey, Mexican food! From a trailer! With live entertainment. Now that's class. "Hey, sing Sheena Easton!" Where the heck is this amusement park thingy, anyway? Ooh, how exciting! "Safety guide"? Yeah, right. Okay, I guess that doesn't look too bad. "Cindirella"? No one was actually riding, but it looked like the wettest bumper boats ever. Water jets were spraying everywhere. As ridiculous as Uncle Bernie's is, I would still take it over most traveling fairs. At least there is some theming, even if it is completely random. COMPLETELY RANDOM Uncle Bernie's has gone out of their way to provide a fair amount of shade, as well. It's all kinds of ghetto, but still. The DeLorean really helps bridge the theming gap between the insane bouncy ride and the medieval castle play area. "Hey kids, who wants free candy from my trunk?" The "park" is really just one straight midway wedged between the indoor mall and the road. The majority of the rides have really generic names to go with their random theming. This is "Mad Trucks." I gotta admit, though, Uncle Bernie's does have a certain horrifying charm. Check out the bitchin' queue for the log flume. We had a hard time judging just how wet this thing gets you, so we passed. This makes me laugh in ways I can't quite articulate. There is one proper "credit" at Uncle Bernie's, if that's your thing. By no means am I a credit whore, but I wanted to ride SOMETHING, and this seemed relatively safe. Kiddie coasters can often be violent and horrible, but this one was actually very smooth. Which is good, because they send you around four times. My favorite thing in this shot is the "tunneled" section of track on the left. Thar she blows. Okay, so there's a Ferris wheel. Except that there isn't. If you look closely, you'll notice red trash cans have been attached along the wheel next to each seat. These catch water being pored from the pipe at center-screen. So, basically, the Ferris wheel is just a big water-powered lawn ornament. And also, Uncle Bernie's invites you for a free dinner! Don't be a pussy. Bumper cars! Well, at least they work. Absolutely not. A second credit, if you count powered coasters. Which you shouldn't, 'cause that's lame. And back to the fast car museum. Even the vendors don't think this is a half-day activity. I really hate swap meets. Uncle Bernie's, on the other hand...well, it's better than the rest of the Swap Shop. How's that? But seriously, you don't need to go here. Yes, we had to go here. But you don't.

We made the attempt, but only found a closed store directing us to a different location...which was also closed. As near as I can tell, they've gone out of business.

We didn't do it. Honestly, it didn't even register as something we should do, at the time. It just looked like a pet store or something. We saw the advertisement on the opposite wall for some crazy religious show somewhere, but I didn't realize that the two were connected. Kind of wish we had checked it out now.

The drive down from Miami (where we were staying) took about 3 hours. But we got started at 6:45am or so on a Sunday morning, so there was basically no traffic. Hard to say how long it took to get back to Miami because we stopped and had dinner and played mini golf at Boondocks in Ramrod Key, but there wasn't a lot of traffic coming back either, so I think we did it right. We had lunch in Key West at Red Fish Blue Fish. Mostly for the name, I think, but the food was pretty good.

A couple of days ago, we took a trip down to Key West. Neither of us had ever been before, but it looked like there was a fair amount of "Erik & Smisty stuff" to do there, and I had always heard good things. Even the drive down, it was said, was gorgeous; "something everyone has to experience at least once in their lifetime." Well, in our opinion, the 'natural beauty' aspect of the keys is a bit overrated. Still, we had a lot of fun. And you'll be seeing some detailed updates from some of the attractions in this part of the world from us soon. But this is not that. This is just an impressionistic overview of some of the cool, wacky stuff we saw driving and walking around The Florida Keys. A lot of the drive down looks like this. There's lots of water on the other side of those trees, though. Which I bet is really cool looking. The more built-up areas do have lots of interesting business signs and giant statues to entice people, though. So that's pretty cool. The famous 7-mile bridge. And the old 7-mile bridge. Which appears to have been one-lane. So I guess I can see why they built a new one. Man, fishing is really complicated. The water is nice. But it's all pretty much the same. There were some more things we might have checked out on the way down, but we went so early that most of them weren't open yet. (Early was definitely the way to go, though. Once the crowds did catch up with us, things began to look quite miserable. Luckily, we were pretty much done by then.) I was really hoping there would be more cool Florida Key signage than there was. In fact, this is pretty much it. And this was erected by the rotary club. So, basically, Key West is a beach town without any beach. (Note: I'm sure there is some beach somewhere. But it sure is well hidden.) The Key West Art & History Museum. With limited time, this sounded a bit too dry for us. Nice building, though. The toy store in this building was seriously cool. Like, so cool it's going to get its own update. Sweets of Paradise's chocolate-covered key lime pie on a stick. This was Misty's only bite. Then she handed it to me. (And I'm sure she's going to love me for this picture.) Okay, seriously, who dyes their dog blue? The most boring Ripley's building I've ever seen. I kind of regret not doing the Shipwreck Museum; Looks like it offers some pretty good views. Conch is almost as big of a deal here as key lime pie. Most (though not all) of the really touristy stuff is on the Northwest corner of the island. Sir, you can't park your boat here. This was both the best and worst aquarium we've ever been to. But you'll just have to wait for its update for an explanation of that. I have no interest in shells, but I still went in. Sponge Man! I'm sure some different-kind-of-nerd-than-me can identify which cruise ship this is. All I can tell you is that it has Mickey on the side of the smokestack. Now this is more like what I pictured! Um...how do we get over there? What Key West is really all about, though, is drinking and fishing. This is (or was) apparently a turtle museum. We totally would have gone had it been open. I think they made up all those places. The problem with beach towns, of course, is that they're mostly for, and by, bums. It's sort of difficult to get excited about mermaids if you're an ass man. (And, yes, my first draft of this caption was simply: "Boobies!") Key West says, "FUDGE YOU, HAWAII!" The problem with beach towns.... Okay, this place is actually pretty awesome if you like key lime pie. Plus, they have ice cream. Wait, key lime pie OUTLET?? Like, for all the slightly irregular pies? But where Key West wins me back over is with its love of ice cream. There are ice cream shops all over the place, and most of them make their own stuff. This is Mattheessen's. And this is Polar Bear, where I'm having (natch) key lime pie ice cream. (It was good, too, though Polar Bear was easily the most expensive of the five or six ice cream places we visited.) And, yes, more ice cream! Hey, anybody want some ice cream? (This one was my favorite, Mattheessen's was Smisty's.) This was closed by the time we made it there. Not sure we would have done it anyway. We would probably need three or four days to do all the touristy stuff there is in Key West. Problem is, I'm not sure we liked Key West enough to go back that much. The Southernmost Point Marker. Note the line to take your photo in front of it. I said, "Note the line." I recommend you get to Key West early, if you go--and do this first, if it interests you. As for us... We are outta here. Thanks for reading our very uncomprehensive Florida Keys overview. This is the part where you tell us how awesome all the stuff we didn't do actually is, and make us want to go back!

^ It's nothing to do with the jungle setting. In certain Florida theme park circles, fountains are sometimes referred to as "Brazilian baths," because... Orlando theme parks get a lot of tour groups from Brazil. These groups often do a lot of waiting around in central locations (where there tend to be fountains), especially at the end of the day. And these large groups of bored/excited (mostly) teenagers frequently take their shoes/sandals off and put their feet in the water--a practice that is considered humorously unacceptable in "US culture." Thus, "Brazilian baths." That probably didn't help your opinion much, but there you go.

Yes, I also never forget that they don't have Indy.

I hereby vow that I am going to this next year, and I am having an ice cream burger. Thanks for the report!