Electerik

I, too, would like to rush to the defense of a ride that no one is attacking. Stop complaining! Oh wait, no one is.

Thanks for the suggestions! As a non-native Floridians, we haven't heard of a surprising number of places that we'd probably love. The Miami area is a bit of a trek from Orlando, but we definitely plan on checking it all out, eventually.

Is there some other kind?

The what? *Googles* ... We are now! To MonkeyOverlord, maybe. To me...no. We liked it, but I can't imagine that a second visit any time soon would add much to our enjoyment of it.

We've been able to get into a few of these places for free (or at a greatly discounted rate), thanks to certain connections that I'd rather not go into detail about, lest some flippant negative remark on my part end up depriving someone else of such privileges in the future. In any case, we did enjoy Monkey Jungle. But yeah, there's no way it's worth $30.00.

Wait, you're bragging because two of you finished one sundae? LAME! I'm surprised and intrigued that Uncle Bernie's was open. We passed on it because the website implied that they were only open during the busier times of the year.

And now for a funky, old-school Florida tourist attraction that we were ready to visit based on its name alone: Monkey Jungle I'm slightly excited. In fact, I was pretty much chanting "Monkey Jungle" in the car all the way from Orlando to Miami. How old-school is it? How about it was established in 1933! No, I don't know why one of the employees is wearing a Planet Hollywood shirt. But I can tell you that admission is $29.95. (Which, honestly, strikes me as pretty high for what this is.) You enter and exit through the gift shop. Note the monkeys who wish they could come in and shop. "Dude, I totally want some of that sweet banana-flavored dental floss!" Sweet banana-flavored dental floss. Just outside the gift shop is Monkey Jungle's only eatery. Note that they sell both human food and monkey food. Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games! Smisty quickly realizes that shes on the wrong side of the fence. Note the feeding cup just to the right of her. You put food in it, and the monkeys draw it up to the top. "Wait, how do I...? I do what now?" "Do not let your children touch the monkeys." "That is a total myth, and I am insulted by it." These monkeys are in a cage. But I thought we were supposed to be in the cages. Oh, we are still? I'm so confused. How about I just touch the monkeys? Look, people who can't read! "I will devour your soul." ("Your soul is made of raisins, right?") I know you're not going to read all this, but let me just summarize sentence number two for you: THIS IS THE HOLE WHERE WE THROW THE DEAD MONKEYS! "But I don't want to get thrown in a hole." "The death hole makes me angry!" The guy with the radio was funny. Not, wait, not funny, what's that other word? Disturbing. Okay, he was both. He called the orangutan his girlfriend. Which I was almost okay with. But then he started talking about shopping for gifts for her at Victoria's Secret, and I ran away. I swear I am not making this up. THEY THROW THE DEAD MONKEYS INTO A HOLE This area appears to have once been someplace you could just go in on your own. But now it's closed off when not being used for a presentation. Same guy. The gorilla's name is King. He enjoys finger-painting. Okay, anti-animal-captivity-folks, you're gonna love this one: King drinks iced tea and his favorite TV show is Ellen. That sounds fun. Let's go in there. Hmmm, no monkeys. And we're outside now. So...how exactly do they keep the monkeys on the preserve? I mean, there's like an 8-foot chain-link fence around the place, but...they're monkeys. I should have asked an employee. The question haunts me now. Do the neighbors wake up to find monkeys watching them through their bedroom windows? I'm going to assume yes. "Were not monkeys, but we'll take some of that sweet monkey food!" "Hey Ralph, you wanna pretend we're monkeys so we can get some monkey food? Henry's gonna do it!" "I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response, Maurice." MONKEY SWIMMING POOL! (Not to be confused with the Monkey Death Hole.) Daredevil butt monkey. Not sure how I got out of here without having to give Misty $2.00. Maybe she didn't see these. Okay, Misty, are you ready to feed a monkey? "Oh yes, oh please, oh please, oh please!" Um..."Robert Is Here"? I don't see any of that stuff on the park map. Photo op! (With the help of my camera's timer and a nearby table.) Annnnnnd...back to the gift shop. Now here's a unique souvenir. I opted for the banana penis shirt instead. (Look for it in an upcoming Oddventure!) I'm not sure what this guy's job is, since parking is free. We didn't really ever get very close to him. I'm honestly not even 100% sure that he works there. Maybe he's a protester. Or perhaps he makes sure that you don't drive away with any monkeys on your car. Wait, it all makes sense now! He keeps the monkeys there. And they know that if they try to escape, he will throw them into the Death Hole! MONKEY JUNGLE MONKEY JUNGLE MONKEY JUNGLE !!!

^ Hey, no problem. I'm just happy that Misty and I could bring Jaxson's to the attention of TPR, with no help from BeemerBoy whatsoever.

Nice watermark.

^^ This really is the best thread on TPR.

Yeah, that's the one with the "Main Street" theme. We checked it out briefly. Very high prices, but open 24 hours. Clearly, it exists for the tourists in the nearby hotels. /History is made at night. Character is what you are in the dark.

For the record, we'd didn't actually shop for groceries at this store (though we did buy some drinks and snacks), so I can't really address the whole selection/price thing. I don't honestly think I'd be able to shop here; I'd be too distracted by the pandas and pagodas!

Um...it's right next door to a mini golf place. I have to admit, I'm kind of disappointed that you guys have been there and weren't as, um, struck by it as we were. I thought we had a real find here!

Well, I may have lost at 'Words With Friends' to Monkeyoverlord, but at least someone got my Buckaroo Banzai reference!

^ Laugh while you can, monkey boy. We talked to an employee who said that she'd been with the store since it opened, 16 years ago. That would put it around 1994 or 1995, just a couple of years after Splendid China opened, and long before it closed. She went on to say that all of the Gooding's stores back then were given individual themes, and that the one across from WDW's "back entrance" on Apopka-Vineland had a Disney theme. So, of course, we headed over to check it out. Unfortunately, this "Disney theme" turned out to be a very subtle old-time Main Street sort of thing, and certainly no match for the other store's full-on China theming. Still, if we run across any more current or former Gooding's stores in the area, we'll make sure to check them out, just in case.

In 1993, inspired by the film Red Dawn, China invaded the United States. But the Chinese had learned a valuable lesson from the thrill-a-minute action/adventure extravaganza: You can’t beat Patrick Swayze with guns. Instead, the Chinese invasion would be a cultural one. Instead of soldiers, they sent artists, acrobats, and model-makers. And rather than landing in Washington, DC, this invasion struck the heart of America’s imagination, Central Florida’s theme park district. The operation was dubbed "Splendid China," and the war for the hearts and minds of Central Floridians and Walt Disney World tourists dragged out for 10 long years. At first, it was not clear what the Chinese were attempting to do. But then, in 1995, the film “To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar” came out--and, well, you can’t fool America forever. Disorganized pockets of resistance quickly formed, and by 2003, the Chinese were driven back to their godless lands, shamed and defeated. Still, not everyone had rejected the mystical and ancient ways of their invaders. A few even embraced them, converting to Chinese customs and ways of thought. Traitors, right in the heart of the good old US of A. And some survive still, living in secret, protected by the very Americans who drove out the Chinese invasion fleet. Why? Low, low prices. Every day. Winn-Dixie #2379 Now branded by Winn-Dixie as a "Marketplace," the store actually began its life as a Gooding's. But not everyone has the stomach for sheltering abominations. Though it may not look special from the outside, it becomes clear immediately upon entering that something is very, very wrong. A bridge over a reflection pool brings you to magazine racks filled with Chinese propaganda. Don't fall for it, Smisty! The bakery area, where the only recipe calls for evil. What kind of food can be found here? You know, normal stuff. The Chinese invaders did not shy away from co-opting our own cultural symbols for their own twisted purposes. Believe it or not, the figures above are actually animatronics that occasionally perform a little show. What America under communism would look like. Here, you'd never even know that the good guys had won. Ping pong balls might not seem like an obvious choice as an impulse item in the freezer section of your local grocer. At least, not to an American. But you know how the Chinese always dominate in ping pong (or as they call it, "table tennis") in the Olympics? Well, there you go. Obviously, I don't have to explain the significance of the snowman. The check out aisles. (The employee has been deliberately blurred for his own protection.) No place is safe. Must not sleep. Must warn others. Do you feel warned? Awesome, I'm gonna go take a nap.

[Not particularly aimed at BeemerBoy, but in general....] It should not be assumed that I have not given such matters any thought. I have my opinions, and they might most readily be described as "mixed." But I am also of the opinion that my opinion isn't everything. Not everything is black-and-white. And however they may have gotten there, most animals in captivity now need to stay in captivity in order to survive. In any case, if people wish to let my photos help them decide whether or not they want to visit any of the places featured in this thread, I would consider that a compliment. I have visited places and come away having no desire to ever return. That was not the case with the Miami Seaquarium. We liked it. You may feel differently. Also, you voted for the wrong people, and your religion is stupid. Thank you. Wait, what? I had no idea that they'd once had a monorail! That thought occurred to me, as well. But I'm not so sure. There's a lot more there than just Lolita. And it's amazing to me how many zoos survive without have any kind of "star attraction."

Yeah, no Sky Coaster. "The Blender" was mentioned on a few maps and things, but there did not appear to be any actual attraction corresponding to that name. Nope, we didn't see anything like that. Hey, thanks. I'm honored. As usual, thanks to everyone for their kind words. Next up: A visit to a local grocery store! No, really.

^ Georgia Cyclone is one of the two rides that are so rough that they actually make me laugh while I'm riding them, because I'm in total disbelief about what they're doing to me. The other is LoCoSuMo. I ranked both in the 'high medium' range. I guess laughter really is the best medicine.

I'm number 2! I'm number 2! Smisty's waiting to play this thing right now....

I have something I'd like to say about all this: That's totally going in my signature.

To be honest, when I first learned of the existence of The Miami Seaquarium, my first thought was, "Ghetto SeaWorld." As it turns out, that's not entirely accurate. Certainly, it's smaller than any of the SeaWorld parks, but it's also more intimate. Areas of it are obviously dated, but it's also pleasantly non-corporate. If anything, it's more of a low-key, "alternate-dimension" SeaWorld. And, on that basis, we enjoyed it very much. Parking is $8.00. Or free, if you get there an hour before the park opens, like we did, and there's no one manning the parking booth. It's worth noting that it also cost $1.50 to drive on the causeway that's the only road you can take there. If I have a complaint about the park, it's that it's bordered on two sides by gorgeous sea vistas, but never takes advantage of them! This is a view from the parking lot. There are no such views from inside the park. This is where Lolita parks. A one-day ticket is $37.95, while an annual pass is $47.95. Like at most theme parks, you are pestered immediately upon entry to have your photo taken. The difference here is that they fling animals at you first. They even have the dolphin strollers like SeaWorld used to. Yay for cheesy photo ops! These were all over the park. They didn't look like much fun, but it didn't really matter because none of them worked. The best thing here is right at the front and center of the park. (In fact, it kind of seems like it might once have been the entire attraction.) On the left is a snack bar, on the right is where you buy any photos you might have had taken during the day. Ahead is an approximately 30-foot high dolphin tank. Around the outside ring are various fish tanks and interactive displays. (See what I mean about it looking like this building was once the entire Seaquarium?) "Hello." Smisty learns about dolphins (including how to tell males from females). This connects over to a smaller tank, containing tropical fish and coral. Tropical fish. Coral. You can check out the dolphins from the top, too. This is also where the "Top Deck Dolphin Show" occurs. (Or as I like to refer to it, "Top Thrill Dolphin." This is not only the best dolphin show I've ever seen, it's quite possibly the best show of any kind I've ever seen. And maybe even the best use I've ever put my eyes to. First the dolphins come out and jump around (right in front of you). Then the trainers introduce each dolphin and tell you a little about them, and each one does a trick. Then this chick comes out and rides them while "Come Sail Away" by Styx plays. Then they jump over her, which is cool. "Hey, lady, that's my fudging face you're standing on!" There's some jumping through hoops. The "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne comes on and the dolphins go completely nuts and start soaking everyone. Bam! Honestly, if we'd had a little more time here, I would have watched this show again. Okay, what's next? Answer: lunch. How does pizza sound? (Yes, I'm talking about the building in the background. I have nothing to say about what's happening in the foreground here.) We weren't quite brave enough to get whale spout on our pizza. Looks like they might have been out of it anyway. Sitting outside is not normally my favorite thing--but hey, at least I have pizza and ice cream. The pizza was surprisingly good. (The ice cream was a little funky, though.) "Follow me to the manatees!" I suspect that when you're out shopping for marine mammals, manatees are the cheapest. Which is why everybody has them. It's certainly not because they're exciting. One day, I want to see a manatee *show.* Like, this is all the tricks a manatee can do. Look, it floated slightly! Did you see it?? Wheelchair accessible, in a sense. Yup, they're manatees. I refuse to believe that manatees have bones. The Manatee Bay Cafe seems to be the park's main eatery, if for no other reason than the fact that it opens at 8:45am. Which is especially awesome because the park itself opens at 9:30am. (I swear I'm not making this up. That's what the sign says.) The menu and kitchen. Indoor seating. Dang, we should have come here. Tropical Wings combines a stingray touch pool with a bird exhibit. Because, why not? This park loves rusty old anchors. They're freaking everywhere. There are two flamingos. Two. That's not even worth making a sign up for. Maybe one's a boy and one's a girl. "Hey, wake up and get to work!" "You *will* come down from that sign or I *will* beat you with this stick." Yes, there's a second dolphin show. This one is about Flipper or something. Dolphin Harbor is their extra-charge swim-with-the-dolphins Discovery Cove type thing. Not for us. This stadium is certainly much bigger than the one for Top Thrill Dolphin. Too bad the show is so much less interesting. A little kid from the audience comes up and meets "Flipper." Then Flipper splashes the hell out of her. So that's nice. Then they asked the girl what she wants to be when she grows up, and she said, "SHAMU trainer!" Take that, Seaquarium! Anchors. Yep, we're in Miami. Wait...why would they kill a shark at the Seaquarium? This is the "Shark Channel," a big circular moat full of sharks that goes around a playground. Sounds awesome, right? Except there's only like two sharks in it. LAME. The playground equipment. Which doesn't even dangle children over the water. I need to own this place. (Better yet, Dave needs to own this place.) Um.... There we go. See that big ear of corn on the sign? Good. Now, see the little bitty sign taped to the drink machine? Know what it says? "Out of corn." Discovery Bay seems fairly new, or least more up-to-date, with lots of wood and natural-looking environs and not much concrete. It features alligators (which, like manatees, are cheap and easy to acquire)... ...sea turtles... ...and, um, dear. California sea lions, hanging outside the "Golden Dome." I must warn you, this show is not for kids. In fact, this show is not really for anybody. Consider yourself warned. Depravity awaits. "Hey assholes, would you mind sitting down? I'm trying to perform here!' First, we start with some nice wholesome butt sniffing. Then we move on to the humping. I don't even know what *this* is. And now the spanking. The trainer makes this sea lion her pony girl. I...I don't know. I think the conch shell is supposed to be magical or something. What I do know is that I've never seen so much bestiality in my entire life, and I have the internet. After the show, one of the submissive sea lions comes out and lets strangers touch her. But we were afraid to get that close, so I employed my self-photography skills instead. They don't seem that far to me. (*Rimshot!*) Hey, do they have areal dragon here, too? Misty could resist the mold-o-matic machines no longer. The only walk-around character we saw. And the only Canadian. "Gift Shop." "Dancer, swim at your own risk"? What the heck does that mean? "Lolita, the *gentle* killer whale. Not like those vicious ones at SeaWorld!" Lolita is the Seaquarium's sole killer whale, and main attraction. She does a few basic tricks, and then the dolphins take over for a while. Honestly, she seems just a bit...tired, and it doesn't seem like they work her very hard. That's just my impression though, I'm no expert on orcas. These are pacific white-sided dolphins, and they live and perform in the same tank as Lolita. (I guess they keep her company...?) Anyway, that gives the Seaquarium a whopping 2.5 dolphin shows (out of four shows total). They don't do as much as SeaWorld used to do, but they certainly do more than SeaWorld does right now. Who wants splashing? Big finish! Bye! Looking back over the park from the top of the killer whale stadium. And this is where they're putting in the Intamin mega lite. We only spent about 5 hours in the park, as we had other places we wanted to go, but the people were still coming in as we left, and the photographers were still going strong. Not that I can blame them... It seems to work. :0)

SheiKra. What? Okay, fine: Kraken.

Well, $10 or so is pretty standard for a cheeseburger at a Chili's/TGIF type place, and these were really good. I would definitely do it again. /Or I might get the $15 hot dog.

He annoys the f**k out of me. You don't need a goofy had, or some made up fake story about why you're visiting parks to make trip reports. You just look like an idiot. Right, that too. That's why I love him. He's a total basket-case. And he had a team of people design and make his hat for him in a special factory or something. Oh, and he went to North Korea for the sole reason of riding roller coasters. I guess I'm just easily amused.