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Posted

lol damn they're onto me

 

6. The Moderator

 

Taking a slightly subtler approach to making visitors feel unwelcome, the Moderator maintains an air of superiority as he bunkers down each day on a particular site's comment section or message board for another 16-hour stint as archivist-in-residence. He's the cool kid -- the site vet who's been around for a long time and knows what's what. Leave a message that repeats something someone else said 16 months ago, and he'll let you know about it within minutes.

 

"Um, yeah, Newbie0314, we talked about that back when NeverTouchedAWoman24 brought the subject up last May. But thanks for contributing, lol."

 

Treating the forum as his own private gated community, the (self-appointed) Moderator seems to have adopted as his personal philosophy the Pythonesque commandment "Every thread is precious." To keep each discussion safe and pure, he will treat any commenter who has fewer than 200 messages to his name as an undocumented invader who doesn't deserve a spot on his beloved forum. All of this, we assume, from the comfort of his parents' basement.

Posted

^^Wow that moderator comment couldn't have been more accurate.

The photo of the guy in the chair is how I would picture you as well.

 

That was a good article coastdude5, thanks for posting it.

Posted

This seems to be about 99.9% of TPR members:

 

9. Fanboy

 

The Fanboy defends a particular product under any circumstances, no matter what the scenario. He is fervently aware that the Ford Pinto was an excellent car as long you avoided rear-end collisions in it. He also assumes that anyone who fails to praise said product to the skies must be engaged in an irrational vendetta against it -- in effect, he sees everyone who isn't a Fanboy as an Anti-Fanboy.

 

The most common Fanboy tendency is to worship either something (or everything) Six Flags-related or something (or everything) Cedar Fair-related. One unmistakable sign that you're dealing with a Fanboy of this kind -- and not with just an enthusiast -- is that, even though the object of his veneration is ultimately a product for sale, he somehow manages to subordinate technological and monetary considerations to moral imperatives.

Posted
2. The Self-Promoter

 

The Self-Promoter is a message board classic: This bore meanders across the Web, leaving thinly disguised comments designed to pimp his own project. Sometimes, he'll take a stab at making the promotion look incidental: "Man, that new iPhone software does look rad! You should check out my blog about Windows Mobile here!" But just as often, he'll ditch the preamble and launch straight into the link without even trying to tie it to the subject at hand.

 

Shameless self-promotion really is the worst -- especially when the shill has to stretch like Elastigirl to come up with a semi-plausible segue into the promo reference. The only thing that irks me more is behavioral ad targeting, which I wrote about a couple of weeks ago here.

 

*cough*Big Mike *cough*....joking, so don't take it seriously.

Posted

^

8. Smarty Pants

 

If the Peacekeeper is on a search-and-destroy mission against offensive content, the Smarty Pants' goal is to find and expose inaccuracies -- no matter how insignificant -- solely as a means to demonstrate his intellectual superiority. A Smarty Pants constantly runs a fine-toothed comb through both a site's original articles and its comments in search of nits to pick: factual errors, grammatical errors, typos -- it doesn't matter. The instant he finds one, he pounces on the offending poster, thrashing him with the wet capellini of his erudition.

Posted
The instant he finds one, he pounces on the offending poster, thrashing him with the wet capellini of his erudition.

 

I read that as "the wet capellini of his erection."

Posted

I have a tendency towards fanboy-ism, I'll admit. I just have fond memories of CP, is all. Though, I have eased up on that in recent years, as I've gotten out and experienced other parks.

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