cfc

^Everyone need to ride "Hollywood on Meth" tour.

^Alas, it was a great movie, but not a hit.

^I've always wanted to see some sort of dark ride/coaster combo based on the movies of Ed Wood. Zipping around the pie-plate flying saucers of Plan 9, zooming past the tentacles of the octopus from Bride of the Monster, and taking part in the goofy seance scene from Night of the Ghouls, with on-board audio featuring the stirring words of Criswell and Bela Lugosi, would be great!

I would give it a 6 or 7 when it comes to spinning. For me, it's just enough to be fun, but not enough to make me feel ill.

There's still more to see, you know. Move on. Nothing to see here. “Sorry, folks, but Taron isn’t open yet.” “The gargoyle out front shoulda told ya.” Well, this looks like a good reason to return to Phantasialand. After all, I love plywood! Wow! Mystery Castle isn’t nearly as big when you see it up close. Oh, THAT Mystery Castle. How silly of me. The armor should’ve tipped us off that there were either mad scientists or vampires in here. Hmm . . . I wonder which it could be? OK, definitely mad scientists. The power of blue compels you! River Quest will get you wet, but I imagine you already know that. After all, it isn’t called “Dry Wash Quest” or “Arid Waste Adventure.” The old Silbermine dark ride was removed to make room for Taron, but Geister Rickshaw is still here. It’s sort of like “Chinese Haunted Mansion,” . . . . . . complete with “hitchhiking ghosts.” Look! More shenanigans! “We don’t do “shenanigans.’ We do ‘folderol,’ ‘high jinks,’ and basic ‘tomfoolery.’” For those of you who like to make your own shenanigans, there’s Hotel Tartuffe. That bell boy gets no tip. “ Front desk? I’d like to report some problems with the plumbing.” “There also appears to be some sort of gateway to another dimension. Is that an extra charge?” And now, the highlight of any visit to Phanstasialand! This in no way reminds me of an attraction at a certain movie-themed park in Florida. We call this waste receptacle “the Internet,” because it trashes movies. This photo almost looks like a Van Gogh painting . . . oh, who am I kidding? It’s just blurry. This section was like a weird tribute to Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean rides. Oh my god. That pillar came within 20 feet of hitting us. It’s true movie magic. Here’s a scene from that Hollywood classic “Frankenstein’s Big Score.” Too bad it isn’t from the Italian flick “Lady Frankenstein.” That movie has nudity. If Ed Wood had made this, it would've been his greatest film. “The Glinda the Good animatronic is busted. Just throw a dress on this hispter dude and put him out there. No one will notice.” Well, it’s nearly time to bid farewell to Phantasialand. John is reluctant to leave this magical place. What the hell? One more look at Winjas! Holiday Park awaits.

Chapter 6 The Wild, the Whimsical, and the Wacky--Phantasialand Phantasialand is what you get when you mix a whole package of whimsy with a can of whoop ass in a blender--one of the most outrageously themed parks in Europe. The park combines an often Disney-like attention to detail with a decidedly odd sensibility that embraces China, Mexico, Africa, the Wild West, France, cartoonish Gothicism, and outlandish fantasy--like a Euro version of Japanese anime. It’s a tough park to explain. You just have to experience it. And what an experience it is. If Phantasialand had no decent attractions aside from Winjas and Black Mamba, it would still be worth visiting. Winjas is still one of the greatest “gimmick” coasters of all time, and Black Mamba’s excellent theming, with trains soaring over and through rocky African canyons, makes it a better-than-average B&M Inverted Coaster. Any park would be happy with those two rides. But Phantasialand goes a bit beyond that, with its beautifully themed hotels (the Ling Bao and the Matamba) and an assortment of attractions that range from great to so bad they achieve a sort of legendary grandeur. While we missed out on Taron this visit (it opened a week later), there were three attractions that were new to me since my last visit in 2008. Chiapas, with it’s crazy Mayan theming, complete with “Day of the Dead” skulls and a “rave room,” is the best flume ride I’ve experienced in years (right up there with the Disney’s Splash Mountains and Knott’s log ride). Maus au Chocolate is my favorite ride at Phanstasialand next to Winjas. It really is an improvement over Disney’s Toy Story Midway Mania "video shooting gallery" rides, thanks to its elaborate sets--and the fact that you get to kill mice with chocolate. Finally, there’s Hotel Tartuffe--a very good fun house, the likes of which you never see in the U.S. anymore. As for the other extreme, Hollywood Tour is one of the most delightfully cheesy, tacky dark rides ever. You have to love their bizarre interpretations of scenes from classic movies, along with the not-so-convincing animatronics; all it needs is a tribute to the films of Ed Wood. Temple of the Night Hawk, a Vekoma in a box, once sported vector-graphic-style projections of birds, like some late 1970s video game. Now the trains just rumble around in darkness--no hawks to be seen. And let’s not forget Mystery Castle (a Frog Hopper on steroids), River Quest (one very cool rapids ride), and the Colorado Adventure (a heavily themed Vekoma Mine Train). Even without Taron, there’s a lot to like at Phantasialand. Welcome to Phantasialand’s Hotel Matamba: A touch of Africa that isn't in Orlando. German theme-park hotels go all out with their bathrooms. It’s a pleasure to “do one’s business” here. Yes, it’s just like camping in the wilds of Africa--only with air conditioning and a very comfortable bed. Mike had a room to himself that actually looked like a tent. Good morning, Phantasialand. Is that Mystery Castle, or are you just happy to see us? We didn’t need a safari guide to find our first objective. This guy was less than helpful; then again, he was made out of wood. Any sign with fire is a good sign. As I learned from watching “Kill Bill, Part 2,” a Black Mamba is deadly! But it’s fun, too! Only locals may ride Black Mamba while naked. It is taboo for outsiders. I think all these riders are fully clothed. This is a warning to outsiders not to disrobe before riding Black Mamba. They actually hanged this visitor from a neighboring tribe for naked Black Mamba riding! You have been warned! You know, some people have strange morning exercise routines. We now know what Dan will not be riding today, in addition to Chiapas. Shooting mice with chocolate? Count me in! It’s both sweet and unsanitary. The queue even smells like a bakery. I love this ride. What the hell’s a “Wuze”? Never mind that. What’s a “Winja”? “Winja” = BEST SPINNING COASTER EVER. But calling it a mere "spinning coaster" doesn't do it justice. This is an excellent ride with a few hidden tricks. As you can see, it’s a bit difficult to navigate this part of the park. I fixed the sign. Excuse me, but I need a moment alone. Thank you. How long is the line for Berlin? The addition of Chiapas makes it a little tricky to find the entrance of Colorado “No Longer the Michael Jackson Thrill Ride” Adventure. I have to to give Vekoma credit. They do make good mine-train coasters. This one is still fun, and I love how it sprawls out all over the place and interacts with Chiapas. Why, it's fun even without the endorsement of the late "King of Pop." I give ye Chalupas, er, I mean Chiapas! (Yes, I was on that fateful ride when the “We Are on a Log Flume” song broke out.) Taco Bell is missing a bet here. They should bring back the Chalupa and tie it into this ride. Just think of it! Water cannons themed to the Taco Bell Chihuahua lifting his leg! They’d really rake in the euros with those. The dragon said he’d take my Taco Bell idea “under advisement.” But the dragon got drunk and tried to fly. So much for that. More to come.

Anaconda--Walygator Park (France).

Young Star Coaster--Chimelong Paradise.

Yes, as "clunky" as they are, I do like those first-generation Intamin drop rides, like Demon Drop.

"Tomb of the Ancients" sounds a bit "generic."

This post gave me douche chills. Anyone else? Not really.

^I wouldn't call that "dumb." It's just a humorous observation.

^Fujin Rajin II at Expoland in Japan was removed following a fatal accident. (The park is gone, too.) Willard's Whizzer at Great America in Santa Clara was removed, as well, following a fatal accident.

I'm not a huge fan of Hydra (amazing jojo roll photo, though), but I do like Steel Force and Talon.

^Colossos is bumpier than it was back in 2008 when I first rode it, but it's still got airtime to spare and remains a great ride. It has slipped a bit in my opinion, but it's still fun--just not something I can "marathon" now.

Nope, I actually asked if i would be able to get through the park in one day with it, not if its necessary or not. Thanks for the completely unhelpful reply! I'd recommend Fast Lane Plus if you're only going to be there for a day.

As is Busch Gardens Williamsburg.

I can promise you without a doubt that the parks don't care about this at all and neither does anyone else except a few random enthusiasts. Well, if by "unique" you mean "especially bad," I agree. Hurler was good--once. Then it beat itself (and riders) to death. If they can redo the ride and make it good again for, say, more than one season, OK. If not, I say knock it down and replace it.

It was built for Club Blood.

^I guess he doesn't care for contractions. Or he may have meant that he wants to swallow my soul!

Glow ERT is awesome--but the walk-through tour of the Haunted House really makes me wish I could've been there.

Night of the Hunter, The (1955)

Probably because of this sign. Of course, it might mean that this is the only such machine in the Netherlands and there could be others in different countries. It's a bit vague.

Yes, Hurler was actually a good ride when during its first season or two.

Gotham City is my favorite part of the park, too. I've never seen it look so bright.