"Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullsh*t."
"I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down."
"I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. "
"I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why we gotta keep going in circles?" "Man, you really like Tide." "
"I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table. "
Mitch Hedberg is my hero.
---Brent