This is a joke to start off your holiday season...

[Guest]

Christmas in West Virginia Joke

 

 

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack

Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.

The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,

With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,

While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.

And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.

Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,

I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.

I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,

But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.

Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see

But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.

With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick

I said, "Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came

And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!

On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins

Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.

Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.

He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,

I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,

And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.

A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,

And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.

From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.

A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.

The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip

He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.

He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.

I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three

And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.

A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,

From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,

Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.

His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice

But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.

Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,

And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,

He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order

"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"

And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,

"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!

 

Katie, who was dying laughing reading this!

[Luxo]

LMAO, where'd you find this?

[dandaman]

Jeff Foxworthy version:

 

 

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,

 

the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.

 

The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,

 

and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

 

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,

 

the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives!

 

My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,

 

so I watched TV, and my wife, she just cried.

 

 

When out in the yard, the dog started barkin',

 

I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin!

 

He yelled, "Roy, I am sworn to uphold the laws...

 

and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

 

I said, "Claus? I don't know nobody named Claus,

 

and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."

 

Then the Sheriff, he said, "The man was shot at last night!"

 

I said, "Well, that... might have been me, just what's he look like?"

 

The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,

 

that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.

 

He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."

 

I said, "Sheriff, that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri!"

 

"It's no time for jokes, Roy!" the Sheriff he said.

 

"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.

 

I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.

 

Tell me what you've done, 'n tell me what you've seen."

 

Well I started to lie, then I thought, "What the hell?

 

It ain't the first time I've spent New Years in jail."

 

 

I said, "Sheriff, it happened last night about ten,

 

and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

 

When she walked in from work, she was as white as a ghost.

 

I thought, maybe she'd seen one of them UFO's!

 

But she said a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,

 

and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

 

Well, I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,

 

a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.

 

Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,

 

when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

 

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.

 

I thought, "He'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowlin'!"

 

So I yelled, "Drop it, fat boy, hands up in the air!"

 

But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

 

So I popped a warning shot over his head.

 

Well, he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.

 

And as he flew off I heard him extort,

 

"That's assault with intent Roy! I'll see ya in court!"

[Jeezus Juice]

My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,

 

so I watched TV, and my wife, she just cried.

 

 

Dude, that's the best line ever!

/has been to west Virginia

//thinks Jeff Foxworthy's still funny

///Blue collar show sucks though

[zaneymon]

LOL