Senior Paper over Walt Disney.

[thrillrideseeker]

Ok so I have to do a senior paper of Walt Disney, and it has to be perfect So I could use you guy's comments on how to improve it. Ok so far I have to have the introduction done, and I just finished it so here it goes....

 

"In 1965 46 square miles of land was purchased just outside of Orlando Florida. The general public had no idea what would come of this flat barren land. No body could have imagined that this area would soon become the number one vacation destination in the world. No one could have imagined that the man who dropped out of high school at the age of 17 would create a place where magic lives. A man who once worked for $50 a month would have an empire worth $100 million a year. A man who had such an impact on society that movies children watch and amusement parks families visit together today came from this mans dream. A man who went by the name of Walter Elias Disney.”

 

So that is my introduction so far. If you have any ideas on how I could improve it please let me know. Oh and I asked my teacher if this would be cheating and she said no, it would be more like "Peer Editing." So yeah... any comments you guys have is much appericated! Thanks!

~Matthew

[CaseyFish]

Maybe it's just me but wouldn't you start with California and not Florida? I mean that park kind of started it all. There is also so much about Walt out there, watch out your teacher may be looking really carefully on plagirism.

 

What are you going for in this paper also. Is it just about Walt, his themeparks, his studios, his life as a child? Just trying to get a better idea of what this is about before I go in a certain direction.

[Wes]

A man who went by the name of Walter Elias Disney.

 

That's not a complete sentence.

 

A man who once worked for $50 a month would have an empire worth $100 million a year.

 

Neither is this.

 

A man who had such an impact on society that movies children watch and amusement parks families visit together today came from this mans dream.

 

This is like a grammatical black hole.

 

Does your keyboard not do commas? That's the key next to the M.

[CaseyFish]

Also isn't Nobody one word, you have it as two...No body

 

 

How did I know Wes was gonna find all the wrong sentences?

 

Casey"My grammar sucks"Childers

[Disney Dood]

Start out with his animation. Say he invented Mickey Mouse and it sparked one of the world's biggest studios, countless classic movies and a theme park empire.

 

Also, mention along the lines:

 

He was a paperboy as a kid.

His father beat him.

The last attraction he designed was PotC.

 

And the ending sentence should be "and it was all started by a mouse".

[thrillrideseeker]

Maybe it's just me but wouldn't you start with California and not Florida? I mean that park kind of started it all. There is also so much about Walt out there, watch out your teacher may be looking really carefully on plagirism.

 

What are you going for in this paper also. Is it just about Walt, his themeparks, his studios, his life as a child? Just trying to get a better idea of what this is about before I go in a certain direction.

 

OH The purpose of the paper is to explain how he had an influence on society. I was going to do alot about his theme parks, but my teacher said she wanted information that was more in depth, things that really mattered. Oh and my teacher is looking real close for plagirism. We have to cite everything that we were not born knowing. That is like everything in my paper.

 

Oh and Wes, thanks for all your comments. I never noticed them till you pointed them out.

 

So nobody is one word? Ok... fixing that...

Thanks guys!

~Matthew

[bulldogmom]

Funny you should mention Walt- right now I'm reading a biography of him called "Walt Disney: The Triumph of the American Imagination" by Neil Gabler. It's pretty big, and tedious at times, but it has all the info on WD you could want, and tons of references. His impact on society started with Mickey in the 1930s and then to the way animation was made in general. For example, "Snow White" was the first feature, or full-length cartoon film. That was like a milestone in the movies. Then he got into TV in the early 1950s and, according to this book, this was a novelty because it was the first time a studio made an agreement with a TV network (ABC, which was new at that time). Then, of course, Disneyland in 1955, which has changed the course of amusement parks and even entertainment.

[Disney Dood]

Also, mention that Mickey Mouse wasn't the first character he invented. The first one was Oswald the Octopus. I think that was the name, not 100% sure though.

[thrillrideseeker]

^^ I have a copy of that! I am using it as one of my sources! Does anyone know of any other good Walt Disney based books? Any E-Books?

 

Also, mention that Mickey Mouse wasn't the first character he invented. The first one was Oswald the Octopus. I think that was the name, not 100% sure though.

 

I have the original name of Mickey Mouse on one of my note cards. He only changed it because his wife liked Mickey Mouse better. Thanks for the reminding me otherwise I would probley have forgot about it. I have like 200 note cards

~Matthew

[Disney Dood]

Thanks to his wife, the mouse wouldn't be as famous as he is!

 

Mortimer? WTF kind of name for a cartoon character is Mortimer?

[TheLastGunslinger]

Like bulldogmom, I'm also reading Gabler's book (and I love it). There's definitely plenty of information in it.

[skidv]

Nobody could have imagined that this area would soon become the number one vacation destination in the world. No one could have imagined that the man who dropped out of high school at the age of 17 would create a place where magic lives.

 

You might want to revise the beginnings of these two sentences. The "could have imagined" part is fine, but is not a good idea to use that same phrase more than once.

 

Also, depending on how picky your teacher is, it is usually a good idea to spell out any numbers.