HELP needed: People majoring/mastering in English

[iplf]

Quick introduction: I study business communication at a Belgian university and am looking for some help with my English task.

 

We had to write a 100-150 word paragraph and pay attention to the following things:

* register & point of view

* combination of clauses (choppy sentences, use of linking words, foregrounding/backgrounding...)

* the order of information in the clause (theme/focus, thematic patterning...)

* general proficiency (spelling and grammar).

 

 

I wrote something, but would like to correct it by someone who is used to academic English and is aware of clause combining/foregrounding/backgrounding/structure in sentences.

 

I have to hand it in in like 30 hours from now, so I'd appreciate a quick response.

 

Just send a mail to maarten_swijsen @ hotmail . com.

It's only 130 words which is nog even a fifth of a page so you probably won't spend more than 10 minutes on it.

[SharkTums]

^Just a suggestion, but you may want to post it here. You'll get more responses if it's posted here as opposed to someone having to email you to get it, and then respond once more.

[iplf]

You are right. Good idea!

 

I have to hand it in in like 30 hours, so I still have some time left.

 

So here's the paragraph I wrote (keep in in the facts are not correct, just cause the content isn't important):

 

Local governments do as much as possible to restore the true meaning of Christmas. This is why all Belgian catholic schools are now obliged to organise a 2-week project on Christmas, which aims to make the children aware of the story behind the Catholic holiday. Even though the schools are free to handle this project in the way they feel most fitting, the government provides so called starter kits for each age group. By doing that, they make sure that students get the correct information according to their age.

Another action the government has taken limits Christmas advertising to between December 1 and December 20. By that, the government tries to avoid customers being heavily influenced by the advertising, thus leading them away from the initial meaning of Christmas.

 

 

 

And the main focus of this paragraph is on

* register & point of view

* combination of clauses (choppy sentences, use of linking words, foregrounding/backgrounding...)

* the order of information in the clause (theme/focus, thematic patterning...)

* general proficiency (spelling and grammar).

 

--> So if anyone discovers any mistakes regarding this, please let me know.

This is for my university studies, so it's important that it's in academic English.

 

Thanks in advance

[mwm1444]

I'm not particularly sure on register/POV or clause and syntax, but I can offer some rewording suggestions which may make the flow of the paragraph easier to read:

 

- The second sentence: instead of 'This is why all Belgian schools are now obliged', I personally would have 'To this end, all Belgian schools' or 'For this reason, all Belgian schools' - the latter would probably be preferable.

 

- A suggestion which I think is more related to clauses & communication: reverse the clauses of the third sentence, so it reads 'The government provides so-called starter kits for each age group, though the schools are free to handle this project in the way they feel most fitting.' Also, remember the hyphen I added in there (so-called), probably preferred by examiners.

 

- Fourth sentence: 'In doing this', rather than 'By doing that', and 'the government' in place of just 'they'. Putting a colon or semi-colon between the last senetence and this one, instead of a period/full-stop

, would improve the flow.

 

-Sixth sentence: again, 'In/By doing this' instead of 'By that'. Also 'aims to prevent', rather than 'tries to avoid', might be preferable.

 

 

As I said, these are just suggestions, and they might look like utter rubbish to you, but see what you think

[iplf]

Definitely used some of your corrections. Thank you very much for your time and effort!

[mwm1444]

Glad I could be of some use!