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And now, here is the old KISS song that has nothing to do with the new ride they're finishing up at Knoebels (which I think is going to be an excellent, unique addition to the park). We now return to this TR, already in progress. To experience Black Diamond, one must first cross a vast plain of mud--much as Pennsylvania coal miners once did. The station is themed to a town owned by the "Black Diamond Company." Yep--still needs a few finishing touches, such as a "floor" here. This the place that you sell your soul to after you load those "15 Tons" (at least according to Tennessee Ernie Ford). These were the same trains they used when this ride was the "Golden Nugget" at Morey's Piers in New Jersey, although they did have to be rebuilt. The track is also original, but the rest of the ride is new and now totally enclosed. Let's have a look inside, shall we? If you keep picking at that, it'll never heal! Hold still while I apply some Neosporin. Er, is it supposed to look like that? My camera was being pretty buggy during the tour, but it did make for some "moody" shots. OK, keep your nether regions clear of this thing, OK? Hmm--this reminds of me an old "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" episode in which a diving bell was swallowed by a whale. "Ya know, one of ya coulda brought me some fried cheese or corn nuggets or something." See those two rubber tires? They not only propel the cars along the course, but also generate electricity. If you're looking for a cheap house, try Centralia, Pa. Of course, you'll have to put up with an underground fire along a vein of coal and the risk of your home falling into Satan's backyard. Not even a donkey would be dumb enough to buy real estate in Centralia. "Oh, I don't know. Some new curtains, a few throw pillows here and there. I could live here." The community of Centralia rec center does have a nice hot tub, at least. "Well, time to push this plunger and make some 'urban renewal.'" Kids love living in Centralia! Uncontrolled coal fires rock! Do you travel up or down this part? I'll never tell. Purple mine boogers! Run for your lives! That's it for Black Diamond--I'm really looking forward to this one. Are you looking forward to more pictures? I hope so.

Unless you've been hiding in a cave, sorting your sock drawer to the exclusion of all other stimuli, or counting the holes in an acoustic-tile ceiling (which can be very engrossing if you connect the dots and find, say, Da Vinci's Mona Lisa or Last Supper), you're probably aware that TPR held two events on both coasts last weekend. Pick a coast and a TPR event--East or West, you can't go wrong. So, I ambled up to Pennsylvania to hang out at Knoebels and to get East Coast Bashed at Hersheypark. Yes, there were two new credits awaiting me at both parks, but that's not the main point, which was to have a great time with a great group of people. First stop, Knoebels, where I met up with not only the Road to Cedar Point crew, but also with Larry, Reed, and Stacey. Yes there was the usual ERT we've come to expect from TPR. But how can you top morning ERT on Twister and nighttime ERT on Phoenix (an old-school ride that has to be a part of anybody's top ten)? How about with guided tours of GCI and the park's new ride, Black Diamond? How about by making an insane old coaster even crazier with lights-out, glow-in-the-dark ERT? And torrential rain? Knoebels says, "I got yer torrential rain right here!"--and keeps the park open. Yes, the Phoenix ERT session will go down in TPR history as one of the best! The ride was, as usual, amazing--especially when you add in a bunch of crazy people with all manner of light-up toys and clothes! Let's have a look at Knoebels. Let's see . . . K N O E B . . . er . . . L L backwards C? That can't be right. First up, ERT on the Re-creation of the Ride Formerly Known as Mr. Twister. "Please, no pictures! Respect my privacy! If you must have a photo, call my people!" Twister has been known to rupture the fabric of space-time. Fortunately, these people returned safely to our dimension. Others were not so lucky and must now wander aimlessly between both shadow and substance. It's much easier to get a picture of Reed and Stacey on the Antique Car ride than it is to get a picture of Twister. "Cmon back and bring yer woman! We'll show ya a good time! Haw, haw, haw!" "In me jauntin' car, me jauntin' car! Jauntin' along in me jauntin' car!" Name the old movie. Larry has found his lost tribe! He weeps for joy! Songs will be sung about this moment for centuries. Here is the first of a number of spinny rides Reed and I watched like flat-ride voyeurs. Stacey is texting, "I am on the Fryers . . . darn! . . . Flyres . . . stupid keypad!" "Stacey, what are you doing on the 'Fryers' and why are you texting me about it?" OK, the Cosmotron I can handle. It reminds me of that Rock 'n' Roll Rebel ride at Aussie World. "Oh gawd, is Chuck rambling on about that stupid Australian ride again?" Here's a ride that Stacey can't handle. The Skooters are the greatest bumper cars anywhere. They actually had to stop it and untangle the mess this bunch got themselves into--they were wedged together like you wouldn't believe. Some would glance at this sign and think nothing of it. Others would find it mildly disturbing. Yes, it did get a bit damp. And now we've come to what you've all been waiting for . . . . . . Joey eating! Despite his facial expression here, Joey did not puke on Amy. We had just been told that Black Diamond is themed to Pensylvania'a coal-mining heritage--not the old KISS song from the 1970s. Some appeared mildly disappointed by this revelation, but they got over it. More to come.

Robb and Elissa, thanks for another excellent TPR event--and my thanks to Hershey for being such a great host. The Lightning Races ERT was particularly good, as were the backstage tours. We even had the excitement of a big thunderstorm! Hard to top that.

^Yep--just getting around the word filter.

I think we're straying a bit off topic here, being as the initial post that started all this was a joke. Let's keep this thread devoted to what's going on at BGW and not what some hypothetical guest might say. Thank you.

You could get there early and just rent a "secure box" for a day (they're under cover, so they shouldn't get too hot). Then you could run around and do all the rides you like, then take a "photo lap." You can rent one just to the right of the entrance turnstiles.

^Most likely hot as hell. You could try going to weather.com and entering "Doswell, VA" as a location. Just a friendly tip.

I imagine it's much easier chugging Bud Light.

Not with their operations.

By the way, I just scrolled through the Funtown Splashdown pictures with the music playing--a definite enhancement!

"This TR not suck! Bizarro not like! "Or maybe Bizarro like! Agh! Bizarro confused and have headache! Must hit head with hammer!" Thus ends my lame Bizarro impression. Sigh! Yet another of region of parks I need to experience--looks like a great time!

Yeah, I don't think having Dinosaurs Alive would be any more pointless than having Avalanche in the Congo.

^Same here. I've driven by it a number of times to get to Dulles, but never had the time to check it out. My Dad was in the Air Force in the 1950s, and he loves that museum.

^According to their Web site, there's a Concorde in there. I tended to concentrate on the space stuff and older planes, so I never got a decent picture of it.

So, you had water with a trace of "beer" in it?

I don't recall seeing a Concorde in there.

I remember flying into Dulles many years ago and seeing Enterprise parked out on the tarmac--I was surprised at how big that shuttle really was.

Personally, I think this could be the best day at Busch Gardens Tampa ever, and I've been to this park a number of times over the last few years. I'm glad that TPR is getting more into haunt-related events, too--first with Knott's, and now with BGT. October is a great month to hit the Florida parks.

I went over to the BGW Fans site and checked it out. Some are saying the latest "crash" story was BS.

See my rather blurry screenshot below (circled portion). Clicking on the "Browse" button (on the left) will allow you to upload a photo file from your computer. Click on "Add the file" next. After that, you can upload more photos. Does this help?

More air! More space! Filled with planes! The Space Shuttle has three rectums. Adam . . . you know you want one of these! Brian just paid some guy $500 for Enterprise. He thinks he's going to drive it home tonight. Poor dope. "Ground Control to Major Tom . . . " "I took my damn protein pills and put my helmet on hours ago! Leave me alone!" "Great. We just got back from the Moon, and now we have to spend about 16 hours in this trailer. That's just ducky." This logo certainly inspires confidence. This plane is EVIL! This is the plane that dropped the A-Bomb on Hiroshima. If you see it flying over your neighborhood, you probably should've moved to another state some time ago. I can imagine this plane flying over an old map to show us just where Indiana Jones is going. LA cops actually tried using these little planes for patrolling. Seems to me that your average gangbanger could take it out with a well-thrown rock. Seriously--did someone just strap a folding chair to a lawnmower gas tank here? "I need to take the 11:47 auto-gyro to Idlewild! It's important!" Oh, hell no! Here's an idea that never caught on: the Airphibian. Fly it to the airport, then just drive the front half to your hotel! No more shuttles or taxis! I wonder how many generations of planes are in this one picture? Elissa, there is one way to make this plane worse . . . . . . and that is to fly it while wearing this suit. "Those magnificient men in their flying machines!/They go up-diddy-up-up!/They go down-diddy-down-down!" We tried out this jet-fighter simulator. Yes, the enemies of America are shaking in their boots at the thought of facing us in aerial combat! Look! A flight suit just for Joey! That's all--thanks for reading (or just staring blankly).

Every summer I get together with my old friend Brian either at his place in the Smokies or at my place in Williamsburg for a long weekend of stupid movies, good food and beer, and the occasional roadtrip. This year, we decided to check out the Air & Space Museum by Dulles airport up in northern Virginia, home of the plane that dropped the atom bomb on Hiroshima, the original Space Shuttle Enterprise, and various other historical planes and rockets and such. The museum is essentially a huge hangar with a tower for observing planes taking off and landing at Dulles (you can listen in on the tower radio traffic, too), an IMAX theatre (which was playing the last Harry Potter flick), some low-rent simulators, and aircraft from just about every era (including some Russian and Nazi planes). Prepare yourself for all the planes you can stand to look at. Good thing it's only 102 degrees today, as 103 would've melted the tires on my car. Here I am. Here's the museum. Here's the map. Now let's go in before I spontaneuously combust. Let's see . . . there's definitely "air" in here but the "space" is filled with planes--I need more space, dammit! Tonight on SyFy: "Sharkoplane--Fly and Die!" This looks like it was put together by TPR members from spare parts they picked up on park backstage tours. More space filled with planes! At least they kept their promise about the air. This jet has a serious case of the drabs. "Felix the Cat! The wonderful, wonderful cat! He reaches into his bag of tricks to get a bomb to blow up hicks!" OK, this is what I'm talking about. Looks like something the Tracey family would fly during an episode of Thunderbirds. Hmm--interesting nickname for this one. "Fagot"? Doesn't look like a stick to me. "Fishbed"? What does that even mean? Sounds like an meaningless insult a Marine Corps drill instructor would yell at new recruits: "Private Fishbed! Are you eye-ballin' me? Drop and give me 20, you worthless, fish-beddin' maggot!" These were all confiscated at a Tea Party rally the day before. This is a jet fighter the Nazis deployed in World War II, but it came too late to do them any good. Blue Oyster Cult has a song about Nazi jets on their "Secret Treaties" album. I am standing in front of a real, bona fide Space Shuttle (Enterprise), which has never actually been in space. The mothership from Close Encounters--it's cobbled together from various model kits, and looked a bit more impressive in the movie. "Robin! The Penguin is escaping in one of his tricky umbrellas! Prepare to deploy the Bat Missile!" This rocket looks like it was built in someone's garage. "Roger Ramjet he's our man! Hero of our nation! For his adventures just be sure and stay tuned to this station!" There is absolutely nothing suggestive about a "ramjet." Anyone who thinks so is a filthy pervert--which would mean most of the members of TPR. More to come.

Yes, and have you seen the YouTube videos of the back alley brass knuckle fights between Kinzle and Six Flags executives at IAAPA? This is serious stuff. It doesn't get serious until they start slamming each other through flaming tables that are covered in broken glass--which is also on fire.

I'd say that depends on what your audience really wants. At Holiday World, the water park is a huge draw. If adding this water coaster increases the capacity of the water park and improves the guest experience, that's what counts. Plus, Mammoth and Wildebeest are a bit more than just "disappointing waterslides." There's some pretty complicated technology involved there.

Has he tried taking Dramanine?