cfc

Did you know that being the Gateway to Fresno also makes Firebaugh the Gateway to Yosemite? Well, Modesto claims that, too. So does Merced. In fact, most towns in the San Joaquin Valley claim to be the Gateway to Yosemite. We apologize for bringing it up. Meanwhile, back at Bon Bon Land . . . “This is the e-n-n-n-n-n-d!” Freestyle Music Park needs this ride now! One more set of Bon Bon pics to go. “On a blue bus! Doin’ a blue rock! C’mon, yeah!” “C’mon baby take a chance with us. . . . And meet me at the back of the blue bus!” "He took a face from the ancient gallery, and he walked on down the hall." “The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on.” “Ride the snake. . . . The snake is long . . .” “Weird scenes inside the gold mine!” “Ride the king’s highway, baby!” “There’s a danger on the edge of town.” “And all the children are insane!” “Lost in a Roman . . . wilderness of pain . . .” “Can you picture what will be, so limitless and free . . .” “This is the end, beautiful friend . . .” “Ahoy! It be time for ‘It’s a Small Apocalypse Now!’ Cue the pretentious Doors music, sez I!”

The Firebaugh Chamber of Commerce hopes you're enjoying this tour of Bon Bon Land. You know, if you're into melons, you should spend your next vacation in Firebaugh! Yes, we're known for our melons here. Big juicy melons. Melons, melons, melons! Firebaugh! Come for the melons, stay for . . . more melons! And now, back to that adorable Bon Bon Land! “Hmm—odd to think that I’m actually the smartest person here at the moment.” Still more to come. . . . as does Mike. Joe presents himself . . . Larry receives the first of what will be many injuries on this trip. Yep. A class act all the way. And now, this nice family park offers us a look at the old American West. Yes, we’re getting quite an eyeful. (Remember, folks--Eat Firebaugh melons!) “Mommy, why are Chuck and Larry pumping their legs and panting so hard? It’s kind of disturbing.” Speaking of butts, Larry and I decided to follow this one around the bike-monorail course. “Catch that butt! Catch that butt!” “Catch it? Hell, I’m so tough, I’m gonna bite my own butt!” Ormen aspires to this, as well. “One of these days, I’m gonna catch my own butt!” “KT and I are gonna thoroughly enjoy the hell outta this! Craig, not so much.” “We concur. Our enjoyment of this attraction is, indeed, thorough.” “Yes. I am thoroughly enjoying this attraction.” “I’m a seasick turtle. I hope you thoroughly enjoy my attraction.” It’s a sign! A sign! (Well, for the park index, anyway.) I tossed this in for all the old-school RCT players out there. I shall sit and ponder this with my new friend--as long as the beer holds out. . . . and that is one deep hole. I'm sure the worm finds it quite satisfying. That is sure one big worm slithering through that trench . . . . . . look at the size of this thing! Now, "dog fart," that's credit whoring. Really, one is tempted to label these people “credit whores,” but . . . Next up, the biggest damn “kiddie” coaster I’ve ever seen. KT takes her ERT wherever she can get it—but she might want to keep an eye on that ride op.

Happy to hear that everybody is looking forward to more. Yes, your lives will be complete now! Chapter 1: Where “Cute” and “Yuck” Collide—Bon Bon Land Bon Bon Land was the perfect place to start a TPR tour for three reasons: 1. It has coasters and candy. 2. It’s filled with cartoon characters. 3. The cartoon characters do things that kids find really funny—that is, defecate, vomit, and pass gas. If R. Crumb had worked for Max Fleischer, the result would’ve been Bon Bon Land. Really, the whole place is like walking into an “underground” comic from the 1960s, where outrageous caricatures of cats, dogs, rats, and other critters engage in outrageously exaggerated bodily functions. All that was missing was a huge interspecies orgy involving Fritz the Cat. (Hmm—come to think of it, they had that too, only without Fritz.) But, above all, this is a family park owned by a candy company. Here’s how the coasters stack up (starting with the best): Vild-Svinet—This is one of the older Eurofighters and is themed to wild boars having an auto race. It has but one inversion (a loop), but it still packs a fair wallop. Be sure to check out the theming in the station—there are some very bizarre (and kinky) touches. Hankatten—This is a spinning mouse, which, for some reason, is themed to cats. Well, really punky cats who like graffiti and spinning until they puke. I took three rides on this. The first two rides were uneventful, but the third spun around like Angus McNasty in a bad mood. It has a cool theme song, too. Viktor Vandorm—This is one of the biggest, tallest “kiddie” coasters I’ve ever seen. It’s pretty damn forceful, even if it does resemble an enormous Wacky Worm, and it has a pretty cool layout using a trench and a crater. Hundeprut—Yes, this is the infamous “dog fart coaster.” It farted but once during out ERT session, though. There’s also a flume ride themed to sewer rats, a bizarre take on “It’s a Small World,” and a rather disturbing walkthrough involving dolls, candy, cowboys, and fairy tales—you may never be the same again after experiencing this. There’re plenty of kiddie rides and flats, too. All in all, a great start to a great trip. Here’s a look at Bon Bon Land. I don’t know about you, but after dealing with ancient prophecies and mysticism, I always need a bit of relief. More to come (of Bon Bon Land, that is). “Sir, the next time you want to make out with a pig woman in your car, you might want to pull over first. Just a thought.” . . . sexy pig women? Enjoy the ride. But don’t be distracted by . . . Oh, this is the name of the ride, by the way. I was distracted by my own silly nonsense for a bit, but I’m much better now. “Aghh! Somewhat more than ninety degrees! The prophecy is false!” “Must . . . resist . . . urge . . . to . . . say . . . sacred . . . words . . .” “Ninety degrees!” screeches the Great Bird. “It has come to pass!” “And the sacred words shalt be: ‘Ninety degrees!’” “A great boar shalt come forth, and a two-colored flag shall he wave. Thus shall the boar speak: ‘The prophecy! The prophecy! Speak the sacred words!’” “And there shall come a great beast, and four digits shall he have on either hand. And one of the digits shalt he stick in an orifice. By this action, thou shalt know.” Thus spake Zarathustra! “Nice paint job, though—for a retarded mouse!” “I should totally kill your stupid coaster and eat it!” “LAME!” “Wait a minute! You’re a cat, yet you have a spinning 'mouse' coaster?” “An-n-n-n-gus-s-s-s! Come out to pla-a-a-a-y!” OK, don’t blame the dog. Your smile betrays you. “Hey, I rode the dog fart coaster with my mouth open! How crazy is that?” “Hey, with this camera taped to my nose, I can’t sniff myself.” Yes, it’s the “dog fart coaster.” You’ve always dreamed of riding it! Admit it this to yourself, and grow stronger! . . . you really have to watch your step! Our group approaches cautiously, for in this park . . . So, if it’s Sunday, it must be Bon Bon Land. The Bon Bon Land segment is brought to you by the Firebaugh, California, Chamber of Commerce! Yes, Firebaugh—Gateway to Fresno!

I ambled over to KD and took a few pictures today (Rebel Yell was running quite well, by the way). I'm a regular Dr. Seuss. One more shot through the chain link, which I assume is there to keep any crazed enthusiasts from defiling the sacred track. That's all. Tracky track track track track track! Tracky track track track track! Here's a shot from the Americana Ferris wheel. This cleared area runs behind Anaconda and seems to extend beyond Rebel Yell. Not sure what it means, but there you have it. From the Eiffel Tower--for all your dirt, crane, and pipe fans. Hmm--there's a small flock of cranes behind Flight of Fear and Anaconda.

Correction: BG will be shooting off fireworks July 1-4 (not 3-5).

Get there early--that's best advice I can give. July 4th will be very busy, so you might want to spring for Quick Queue--this will give you front-of-the-line privileges on all the ride's coasters (except the Loch Ness Monster), as well as Curse of DarKastle. Another point to consider: BGW usually has fireworks from July 3 to 5. (So, you could catch the fireworks on Sunday, which may not be as busy.)

That would be news to me, too--but it's possible. I'm not a fan of the Saw flicks, but these movies would be ideal for HHN's mazes. As for the Wolfman, bringing back a classic Universal monster in some form works for me.

This "Rick Roll" nonsense is getting pretty old--no more "Rick Roll" links, please.

^Be patient--you never know when McNasty will pop up.

BG does have some big advantages over KD as a "destination" park--access to Colonial Williamsburg and the rest of the Historic Triangle, as well as easier access to Virginia Beach and the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Doswell has a long way to go before it becomes a "destination" for more than a daytrip. KD getting an impressive new coaster, along with its onsite water park, should help, though.

^You can play "Whack a Hun" at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg.

^I recovered quickly though.

You know, everyone appreciates a fine euology--if the dearly departed really deserves it. But what if you just couldn't stand the deceased? What if the stiff made Rasputin look like Florence freakin' Nightingale? Well, Frugal Funeral's "malology" might be just what you're looking for! For a nominal fee, Frugal's staff of highly experienced gag writers will provide you or your surrogate with just the zingers you didn't have to guts to say before your hated relative or acquaintance shuffled off this mortal coil. Yes, show the world that you're glad the bastard's dead! Pre-buy a malology today and save 15%! And now, more of Copenhagen. And here's my bag! It showed up about 11:00 pm--thumbs up for Finnair! Next time, we travel to a magical place! You will believe that a gorilla can pick its nose! Here's Tivoli, again--almost back to the hotel. Look! Another successful North Korean satellite launch! It was "National Give Your Horse an Enema Day" in Denmark. A real statue or an amazing simulation? You make the call. How many of you have dreamed of living in a "Fruit Paradise"? These guys are hoping to earn enough to move into a grapefruit or perhaps a cantalope some day. There was the usual assortment of street entertainment you see in European cities, such as this guy-plays-guitar-while-another-guy-drinks-water act. (Yes, the vetriloquist making the guitar nosies was quite talented. I really thought the other dude was playing.) Hmm--seems to be a somewhat longer walk than we thought. Nice street, though. We gradually made our way back to the hotel. Not to mention offbeat lampposts. Yes, D&D players would go nuts in this town. . . . and some offbeat humor. Copenhagen is loaded with beautiful views . . . Just goes to show you how wrong you can be. (Looks a bit like Fort Monroe in Hampton, Va.) We were checking out the "kastellet," which I thought was come French dish made with beans. Here's our group of intrepid, somewhat jet-lagged sightseers: me, Olov, Big Mike, Ryan, Stacey, and Mark. (Well Olov just came over from Sweden--so he would be "train lagged.") You know, even people made of stone need a helping hand from time to time.

Table of Contents Chapter 1: Bon Bon Land Chapter 2: Tivoli Gardens Chapter 3: Bakken Chapter 4: Hansa Park Chapter 5: Sommerland Syd & Legoland Chapter 6: Farup Sommerland and Tivoli Friheden Chapter 7: Djurs Sommerland & Tivoli Karolinelund Chapter 8: Tusenfryd Chapter 9: Liseberg Chapter 10: Skara Sommarland Chapter 11: Grona Lund Chapter 12: Power Park Chapter 13: Sarkanniemi Chapter 14: Linnanmaki Prelude: Amblin’ Around Copenhagen Some say that it’s all about the “journey and not the destination.” I beg to differ—except in the case of my bag. Yes, I arrived in Copenhagen on the morning of June 6 for the start of TPR’s 2009 Scandi Trip, along with Big Mike, Fran, and Stacey—but my bag didn’t. Apparently, the bag didn’t leave Richmond, Va., thanks to some mix up. Word to the wise—be wary of codeshare flights. I was on Delta and Finnair going over, and on Finnair and United coming back. This seemed to confuse the good Delta folks at RIC International. They could generate my boarding pass for JFK to Helsinki, but not Helsinki to Copenhagen. It was even a bit tricky at the Finnair desk at JFK: Finnair Guy: I can’t seem to print his Copenhagen pass. Finnair Gal: Did you try this? No, that is not working, either. Finnair Supervisor Lady: What is the problem? Finnair Guy: We can’t get this boarding pass to print . . . oh, wait, there it is. Finnair Supervisor Lady: It is my magic supervisor powers! Hmm—maybe RIC needs a magical Finnish supervisor. Good thing I had three days’ worth of clothes in my bulging-at-the-seams backpack. But let me tell you something about the Helsinki airport. It isn’t all that large. But it seems as big as Los Angeles if you have to run its entire length, go through security, and have your passport checked while being paged to be at your gate “immediately” every 30 seconds or so. Ten pounds on your back and shoulders can feel like a ton, too. I really have to lose weight and get in better shape. But, no matter. I made it to Copenhagen and got to see a bit of this beautiful city with some cool people, most of whom I’d traveled with before. It was great start. Here’s a peek at Copenhagen. "I gotta be me-e-e-e! I gotta be me-e-e-e!" More to come. "I say, would someone please give that poor mermaid a shawl or blanket? Her nudity is most unseemly!" Yep, there's a statue of someone or something everytime you turn around in this town. Good thing the Danish navy is on hand in case anyone gets fresh with the Little Mermaid. Yeah, nothing draws a crowd faster than some topless chick sitting on a rock. . . . and, of course, a topless fishwoman on a rock. . . . Coke in actual glass bottles (so exciting that it made a geyser spout out of my head), . . . . . . at least one guy who's bigger than Big Mike, . . . . . . guys wearing big, furry spitoons who just walk back and forth for hours on end, . . . . . . guys riding metal horses, . . . Copenhagen is a beautiful city, full of impressive public buildings, . . . "Oh, it's just Big Mike and Stacey--phew!" "Oof! Hey, who's tryin' to push me through the freakin' window?" . . . Tivoli Gardens--more on that later. First, let's get a cab and check out some of Hans Christian Anderson's home turf, eh? A quick train ride and a brief walk took us to the Ansgar Hotel--our home base for the next three nights. This was located a mere two blocks from . . . This "prelude" is brought to you by Frugal Funerals.com. Buy your first funeral and the second one's free! (Funerals must be held within two days of each other. Offer not applicable for some major religions and belief systems. Federal, state, local, and random restrictions may apply.) Frugal puts the FUN back in funeral!

Plus, the alcohol will kill harmful bacteria.

We've had quite a few candy threads in the past, such as this one: http://themeparkreview.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=24567. "Search" is your friend, folks.

^SoB is a sad waste of good kindling. I rode it for the first time over a month ago and found it to be both rough and boring--not a good combination.

Well, "tak" means "thank you" in Danish (not sure about Swedish). What a great tour--the Scandi parks were great, and you can't go wrong with Robb and Elissa leading the way. Tak!

I've been to SFA four (well, three-and-a-half) times, and I've yet to see that rapids ride in operation--although I did get to ride Skull Mountain. Good TR--last year, Batwing was "B T Wing." They seem to have a lot problems with signage at SFA. I've had fun at this park, too, when it isn't too crowded.

^Soon the circle will be complete--bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Puny Earthlings! Who will save you now? Natalie's TRs are always a highlight--as are Dave and Ice Bat's.

I thought Europa was the best park we visited on the TPR tour last year--Paris Disney came in second. I echo everybody's else's comments: I really like Heide a lot, but it's tough to beat Europa. It even has the best Pirates of the Caribbean and Haunted Mansion knockoffs.

I don't think so. I only remember some sort of audio "how to" with the row letters/numbers on the floors, since it's not exactly the most GP-friendly method of loading. But honestly, I didn't pay much attention. Back in the Before Times, you entered thorugh the big doors, stood and watched a brief Led Zep documentary, then caught a live-performance video of "Whole Lotta Love." The onboard audio would pick up roughly where the preshow left off.

But if you can't make a good vanilla, your other flavors will probably suck. I'm going to vote for the first time with a "yes," mainly because the "no" picture is the saddest picture of Falafel that I've ever seen.

It's now the Monstars of Rock ride--Natalie does mention this in her TR (along with her opinion). Fixed. I was waiting for someone to do this--and my first guess was you, Scott.

Do they still have a ridiculously long "preshow" of some kind? Larry and I rode this thing a number of times when it was Led Zep, and the preshow ceased to amuse after ride number 2 (well, maybe number 1). Nights in White Satin was actually the best thing at Hard Rock Park. I bought the freakin' t-shirt! Natalie, I think you may have written FMP's epitaph with that tumbleweed pic. You should sell that to the newswires if the park goes under again.