Photo TR: Frontier Town

[printersdevil78]

The weekend after returning from the West Coast Trip, I was ready to spend some quality time with my girlfriend, Kelly, and her daughter, Lauryn. Kelly and I had a fancy dinner outing planned with some friends that Sunday, so we decided to make Saturday especially Lauryn-friendly with a trip to Ocean City, Maryland's Frontier Town, which happens to be celebrating its 50th anniversary this year.

 

While Frontier Town isn't a "traditional" theme park with a Ferris wheel, Scrambler, etc. (not even a credit), it does have some unique (mostly horse-powered) rides and tons of great theming. Better yet, the park is 99 percent the same as it was upon its opening in 1959 (though its peripheral attractions have increased with the addition of a campground, water park and miniature golf course since then). My dad went there when he was a kid, my parents allegedly took me there when I was a kid (though I don't remember it), and now I've had the opportunity to pass the tradition on to the next generation... and you get to come along for the ride. Enjoy!

And on that note, we hit the dusty trail and bid Frontier Town adieu. Thanks for a great day!

For some reason, the gift shop seemed kind of... horny.

It was home to the Frontier Town Hall of Fame, a collection of old photos and mementos from past employees--another reason this place is so awesome.

The park's "other" saloon was pretty nifty (note the availability of Coke products--the official soft drink of Frontier Town).

This was pretty awesome. In the "post office" was a wall full of Frontier Town postcards from the '60s to the '80s. Visitors were encouraged to take as many as they wanted, but to pay via the honor system in this box, with all proceeds going to the Grant-A-Wish Foundation. (A quarter apiece isn't bad when you consider these same postcards routinely sell on eBay and at local postcard shows for $1-$4 each.)

Robber: "Gimme all your gold."

Lauryn: "Um... how 'bout we can share the gold? My mommy says sharing is good."

 

I swear I don't make these up. Also classic:

Kid behind Lauryn: "Hey, you just held us up on the train!"

Robber: "Well as many times as I've seen you today, you must really like being robbed!"

They gave Kelly the gold to guard. I could have told them that was a mistake!

Time for our last ride of the day... the stagecoach!

After the rodeo, Lauryn made some new friends... and then she shot them!

...followed by another random peek-in.

...followed by some bull ridin'...

Time for some more trick ropin'...

"Are you my mother?"

At this point they invited all the kids in the audience to come into the rodeo arena, threw all their shoes in a pile at the other end and challenged them to be the first to find them in a relay race. We told Lauryn to find some Air Jordans and claim they were hers.

I'm not sure which to point out first: the fact that that guy is brandishing two orange whips or that the can-can girl seems to be holding something long and hard in her mouth....

How much do you want to bet the sound system blared Lee Greenwood's "Proud to Be An American" during this portion of the program. (Hint: Bet large.)

Dueling bulls.

"Hey, you should go over and watch the rodeo!"

...mean... er, never mind.

...I...

...what...

See...

Undertakers' offices in theme parks are always funny!

"No horse play."

After all that sitting, it was time to expend some energy at the park's playground.

The sheriff and his deputy spent the show on the lookout for the town drunk (who, in Frontier Town's glorious maintenance of non-PC stereotypes, spoke with the best fake Irish brogue you've ever heard). The show ended with a shoot-out between the sheriff and the drunk.

 

Drunk (scooting across stage): "I've been hit in me knee!"

Announcer: "Which knee? Your left knee?"

Drunk: "No!"

Announcer: "Your right knee?"

Drunk: "No!"

Announcer: Which knee, then?

Drunk: "Me hi-ney!"

Finally it was time for the can-can girls!

She tried her hand at trick roping.

Lauryn was chosen from the audience to be part of the show!

Hey, that's not a can-can girl! However, it is part of the can-can show, which began with a trick roping demonstration.

"I wish we were at the can-can show...."

Thanks goodness this one isn't a peek-in!

"Miss Ingalls, why did that man in the bath house ask me to take a bath with bubbles... and then tell me his name was Bubbles?"

"Educating fiberglass children since 1874."

...or the figure? Choose wisely!

So which is more offensive by 21st century standards: the sign...

OK, so the scariest thing about this guy is:

A. His "man parts" are barely covered by those fiberglass suds.

B. His body is covered in fourth-degree burns.

C. His body hair is very... patchy.

D. He's apparently talking dirty to the soap.

E. All of the above plus some deep psychological issues that have yet to make their way to the surface.

Hee hee hee!

At least we got to see the (fake) prospector and his (real) burro!

I also would have liked for Lauryn to have tried her hand at the "Pan for Gold" attraction, but again, timing was an issue.

...and 100 percent fun!

This was the coolest thing at the park, in my book. Frontier Town savaged this antique pony swing from the now-defunct Frontier Town (no relation) in North Hudson, NY, in 2002. It is 100 percent horse-powered...

Oh. Ha ha ha!

Oh noes!

We weren't sure what this was when we entered the tunnel, but it turned out to be one of those "mystery spot"-type places (like Confusion Hill at Idlewild, only smaller). Note the invitation to climb the crooked ladder in the background with absolutely no park supervision whatsoever. This is another reminder that Frontier Town a) isn't a Cedar Fair park and b) was built during an era when it was assumed that parents had at least a modicum of common sense.

Look out, Dollywood! Frontier Town has its own Mystery Mine!

Am I the only one who thinks it's a little morbid that the undertaker dug his own grave?

Death is always a good theme park subject!

I kind of wish I had done this. Unfortunately, we didn't really have time for any of the upcharge attractions. The park is open eight hours a day. We were there for six and easily could have filled the other two.

After the show, kids were invited to demonstrate the dances they had learned during the performance.

The Indian dancing show definitely was a highlight, both entertaining and educational. The performers were the son and grandsons of the park's original Indian dancer, Red Bird, who did two performances every day the park was open during its first 30 years, after which he passed away.

Not sure, but I think this was the casino.

We prefer to call it the "Native American Community." In Times New Roman.

Me: "Lauryn, can I get a picture of you with your deputy badge?"

Lauryn: "No. Um... wait. Can I make a face?"

Me: "Sure."

 

FYI, adults also receive deputy badges with their paid admission. And if you lose yours (as Lauryn managed to do three times in six hours), there are plenty of extras lying around in the sand, on the floor of the train, etc.

The top six reasons Piers will never, ever visit Frontier Town.

The temperatures reached the mid-90s that day, so we decided to take a break for drinks and air conditioning at the Golden Nugget Saloon.

Paddleboats, however, are fine in ducky water.

Hope Lopez didn't swallow!

The deputy is having way too much fun on that big stick....

If he floats, it means he's a witch!

Time to show Lopez some frontier justice! (The show was called "The Trial of Lopez," after all.)

Hey, I remember that horse! He's carrying Lopez, the rootin'est, tootin'est bandito in all of May-hee-co. Or, as the "judge" later referred to him, "The whitest Mexican in Ocean City."

"Um... moving right along!"

"Kids, we brought you here today to prove that there's nothing scary about going to the dentist."

Theming!

Frontier Town doesn't take kindly to ugly strangers.

Only because no one else will!

If she had been dressed as a giant flower, I could have sold this shot to Anne Geddes!

"The Frontier Town and Santa Fe Railroad, now leaving for a grand circle tour of... well, trees. And weeds. And a bandit who lives in a shack in the woods who will hold up the train."

All aboard!

Maybe the train will help us escape that rogue goat!

"Don't worry! I'll rope that rogue goat!" (Seriously, the goat was just meandering around the park, hoping someone would pet and/or feed it. Frontier Town is clearly not a Cedar Fair park.)

Time to climb up into the fort!

Lauryn said this was her favorite part of the day. Not sure if we can assume the same about the horse and guide....

"I don't care if you're being held up. Finish counting out my withdrawal so I can go buy cookies!"

Is it just me, or has Jimmy Carter really let himself go?

Like the Ghost Town at Knotts Berry Farm, Frontier Town has lots of "peek-ins." Oh noes, looks like the bank's being robbed!

"And the Lord sayeth, 'Let there be cookies!' And the cookies were Toll House! Can I get an 'amen'?"

Kelly: "I know this isn't a real church because if it was, it would have started burning as soon as we walked in."

Of course, we checked our plywood guns at the door first.

After such a traumatic introduction to Frontier Town, we decided we needed some reflection and introspection.

Spent ammunition.

I see dead people.

Is it just me, or does Bat Masterson look a little too happy about discharging his weapon?

Good thing the sheriff's got Bat Masterson and Doc Holliday on his side!

Uh oh! Looks like there's trouble a-brewin'!

Fun Fact: Frontier Town was not used as the set for "Back to the Future Part III."

"To all who enter this happy fort, welcome. Frontier Town is your town. Here age relives fond memories of the past, and youth may savor the challenge and promise of... well, also of the past."

"Bah!"

"Please do your thing for us, Mr. Goat!"

This was about as close as we came to seeing the goats "do their thing."

...and this horse, which we would see again later in the day.

On the trail from the parking lot to the park's entrance we could see some of the animals grazing, including this steer...

But finally we did make it, and things went pretty smoothly after that... for a little while, anyway.

Maybe it was because we had to drive so slow....

Eventually, however, even that got old, and "Are we there yet?" turned into "Why aren't we there yet?"

It stormed during our entire half-hour drive to Frontier Town, and Lauryn was especially attention-starved and antsy. She kept asking (nay, demanding) that I turn around and take photos of her.

[Erik Johnson]

Thanks for posting this. There are not too many parks like this any more.