and wracked by guilt.
I know it was the right decision, but the suddenness of it caught me off guard. She was fine on Sunday night, and playing with her squeekie toys.
and was fine Monday night too, she enjoyed her walkie in the colder weather, and was bouncing along like fluffy, fluffy bunny filled with medicine and goo rabbit (and she was a big bunny rabbit).
but Tuesday morning, woke up and wouldn't eat, and at 10am she started projectile vomiting, and couldn't even keep water down (she'd drink a ton -- made sense, since her not eating was making her sugars spike, since I couldn't give her insulin shots without food).
that continued all night, with me cleaning up vomit every couple of hours when her yakking woke me/us up (but it was all clear fluid, as she hadn't been eating). Then this morning, she was having trouble standing up, with her whole back end/legs shaking, and she was getting very listless.
I was worried about her, and knew taking her to the vet would end up being a 1 way trip
. . . . she's severely diabetic (and got 42 units of insulin per day - via morning/evening shot), and also completely blind (from the diabetes), and she also needed several eye drops every day to keep the pressures in her dead eyes down. So she had lots of medical problems anyways we'd been taking care of for almost 3 years. she was also over 12, so getting up there in age, but as long as she has quality of life, I wasn't willing to let her go, despite how expensive the Insulin, and the other meds were (and they were very expensive, about $180 every 3 weeks just for the Insulin).
we also knew she had several tumors, but never had them biopsied, since we were not going to treat if they came back malignant, and the vet was on the same page as us. my baby was very expensive.
But she was looking so bad, and I was so worried, I went ahead and got her in to see the vet this afternoon.
She was acting so odd, even the techs commented on how unusual the behavior was (not excited to be there, not reacting to people coming into the room, not wanting to go to the scale for weigh in, NO reaction from the needle for the glucose test blood draw).
She did get a bit excited (a small wag) from the Vet coming in, and she actually ate an animal cracker treat -- 1st interest in food in 36 hours. . . but 20 minutes later threw it up all over the room.
the Vet said, we had 2 options:
1) put her in hospital to treat the dehydration (from the vomiting) and ketosis (?) from her Diabetes (her sugars were over 700 this afternoon). that would be up to 3 days, and then they could start running tests to try and figure out why she was not eating, and throwing up, meaning bloodwork, xrays, sonogram, and possibly surgery if they found a blockage in her tummy. But that would cost well over 5K, and there were no guarantees that even if she recovered she would stay healthy (at the end of the day, she's still severely diabetic).
2) let her go, which is the kinder thing to do, as I had always told the vet my feelings about as long as she had quality of life. . . .and clearly something was going on that was very negatively affecting that. So considering her age, she said if it were here dog? she'd go for the kind option, as she knew how much we loved Roxxi, and kept telling me how she was very lucky to have us as parents, since most wouldn't have taken care of her for so long after the Diabetes.
I called Nick at work, and he left early and met me at the Vet.
so thru the tears, tho I tried not to cry, we made the hard call to let her go. SO many people that work at the vet came in to say goodbye to her (she did medical boarding when we went on trips, so many there knew her) and most of them cried -- which got me going too
and tho I didn't want to, I felt that I NEEDED to stay until the end, so pet her head thru the administering of all the drugs and until she was gone.
I didn't ask to get ashes back, or do a "paw print" memory. . i just could not handle having that around. .having her collar is hard enough, and tonight is going to be horrific. I can't stop crying, and it's so strange not to have her in the house.
you were a GUD dog.