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Tell Me A Joke!


Louise

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Ok, my life's not exactly going to plan at the moment, I have a busted knee, glandular fever, and was recently made redundant and had to cancel a holiday to Lanzarote... In short, I'm depressed.

 

So, how bout telling me your favourite joke to try and cheer me up?

 

 

Lou- "having a bad year" -ise

 

PS - Please don't post any horrendously offensive jokes that'll make Robb close this thread! Thank you!

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Sorry to hear of your troubles.

 

Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks. Unable to figure out what kind of tracks they were, they decided to follow them to see where they would lead.

 

Then the train hit them.

 

Eric "Hope you're not blonde" L.

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Well, I know a fantastic joke about an octopus in a bar, but it has a kind of rude ending

 

Anyway, here's a clean joke for you!

 

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

 

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

 

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

 

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

 

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

 

And another......

 

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

 

"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.

 

"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.

 

"You're under 18," replies the barman.

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Lol, liking both of those, keep em coming.

 

And no, I'm not blonde, although I used to be, but still enjoy blonde jokes!

 

Any jokes anyone has that are inappropriate for a PG-13 site, feel free to PM me with them, I'm not easily offended (except by prejudice), just like to follow the site rules is all.

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I'm on a roll here!

 

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?

One, but you must slice him very thinly!

 

A blonde walked into a computer shop one day and asked the shop assistant for a curtain to fit her 15 inch computer monitor. The assistant said, "Why do you want a curtain for your computer screen?"

To which the blonde replies, "I've got Windows".

 

A mushroom walks into a bar. He sits next to a beautiful woman and tries to pick her up. He gives her a few cheap lines, and she replies "Get out of here, I don't want nothing to do with you!" Then the mushroom says, "What's the matter? I'm a fun-gi!"

 

What do you call a Fly without wings?

A walk.

 

Anyway, sorry about that! I thought they were funny! I will PM you the cool octopus in the bar joke! Hope you feel a little bit better!

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Two friends were arguing over the pronounciation of the city in which they were vacationing in.

 

"It's pronounced 'New ORE-lens'" said the one man.

"No, it's pronounced 'New Ore-leens'" said his friend.

 

"I tell you what," said the first man, "why don't we find a local resident and ask them how they pronounce the city."

"Fine." said his friend.

 

So they go into a restaurant and go up to the person behind the counter and politely ask:

 

"Ma'am, could you pronounce where we are, and please say it slowly? My friend and I are having a disagreement as to how you pronounce it."

 

The lady behind the counter looked at them both quizzicly and said,

 

"BUR-GER KING"

 

 

(no you cannot have those 2 minutes of your life back)

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Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.

 

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender goes "why the long face?"

 

A nun, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at the group and says "what is this, some kind of joke?"

 

How do you top a car? 'tep on the brake, 'tupid.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

3 couples were out at a nice restaurant enjoying a fine meal. All 3 couples were sitting at their own tables. The man at the 3rd table looks over to the couple at the first table when he saw the husband lean over to this wife and say "Pass me the honey, honey." to which the wife politely passed the honey over to him. "Wow," said the husband at the 3rd table. "that's really neat! I'll have to try it!" He looks over at the 2nd table and observes the husband lean in to his wife and politely say "pass me the sugar, sugar." The husband at the 3rd table, again, is amazed! "that's really cool! I have to find something to try this out with." Frantically he looks around the table to find something to ask his wife to pass to him so he can try this out. Finally he spots an item to ask for. His eyes turn up to his wife, he begins to smile and politely says to his wife,

 

"Pass me the pork, pig."

 

(again, no refunds for the 2 minutes you won't get back)

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ok heres some for ya

 

2 bolnds walk in to a bulding you think one of them would of seen it

 

shurlock homes and waatson are out camping shurlock says to watson "what can you tell by looking at theres stars"

Watson replys well i can tell where we are in the world where north is what the crops are going to be like this year and what the wetheres going to be like tomorro" then surlock said "well i can tell that some one has takeing our tdear watson"

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I have the most corny jokes ever.

 

There's these to muffins in an oven. One muffin says, "Whew! Isn't it hot in here?!" The other muffin screams, "WHOA! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

 

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Where's my tractor?"

Brent"I'm so retarted" Shenton 8)

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Jeez, a couple of these are worse than mine, lol!

 

Ok. one of my own:

 

A guy walks into a pub and places a tiny piano with a little guy sat playing it on top of the bar. The barman asks him, "that's great, where did you get that?" The customer tells him that he found a magic lamp in his attic, with a genie that granted him three wishes. With his first wish he asked to be rich beyond his wildest dreams, and with his second wish he asked for a beautiful wife. Both wishes were granted. "So how did you end up with this little guy?", asks the barman, gesturing to the little man tinkling the ivories on his bar. "Well", replies the customer, "turns out the genie had a hearing impairment, he thought I asked for a twelve-inch PIANIST!"

 

Sorry about that. And as an earlier poster said, no you can't have those two minutes back.

 

Lou- "depressed herself with that terrible joke" -ise

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A Little girl walks up to her father and says, “Daddy, why did you name me rose?”

 

He replies, “Because when you were born a rosé fell on your face.”

 

The man’s second daughter says, “Dad why did you name me Lilly?”

 

He says the same thing, “Because when you were born a Lilly fell on your face.”

 

A third girl walks up and says “uggghhhmppphyyynanana”

 

The mane yells, “Shut up cinderblock.”

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A man and his wife go for a walk and they come to a bridge. So they start walking over the bridge and they got half way. The woman says, 'i gotta pee'. So the man says just go over the bridge. Then she says,

"i cant go" -woman

"why" -man

"theres a guy in a canoe down there"-woman

"what" -man

"theres a guy in a canoe down there"-woman

"thats not a canoe, thats your reflection"-man

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^^ I feel SOOOOO guilty that I laughed at that.

 

^ lmao!

 

 

A 70 year old man goes to see his doctor to ask for some Viagra.

When asked why, he explains, "I've got a date with a 21 year old this evening and I think tonight's the night!"

The doctor gives him his pills and off he goes. The following day he returns.

"How did those tablets work for you?" asks the doctor.

"Brilliant" the man replies, "NINE TIMES!"

"Wow" says the doctor, "I suppose you've come for some cream for your back then?".

"No, for my wrist" says the man, "the b*tch stood me up!"

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Because I think it's probably not very nice to laugh at a child who's somehow been unfortunate enough to be hit by a cinderblock immediately after being born. Admittedly it's fictional though. At least I hope so, can't imagine anyone would actually name their child Cinderblock!

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Corny classic childhood pun/joke: Upon crossing a draw bridge, my dad would say "Whip out your pencils" as the approaching sign said "Draw Bridge"

 

What do you call a woman with one leg?

 

 

"Ilene"

 

What do you call a couple with no arms or legs on a bbqer?

 

"Frank and Patty"

 

Sorry, I just had to...

 

 

Now, for an old cute dirty/clean joke...

 

Dirty Joke: Johnny played outside and got dirty.

Clean Joke: Jonny took a bath with bubbles

Dirty Joke: Bubbles was the girl next door.

 

Yea, that was lame but that's all I can think of for now...I'll post more if I find any good ones.

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A pirate walks into a local tavern, visibly upset. Sticking out of the fly of his pants is a large steering wheel from a ship.

He comes up to the bar and says, "Gimme a bottle of yer finest rum!"

The bartender is curious about the steering wheel sticking out of the pirates pants, but says nothing. He gives him the bottle and the pirate guzzles it down.

"Another, please!" The Pirate demands.

"Rough Day?" The bartender asks.

"Arr, to say the least"

The bartender decides to ask about the wheel, "So I must ask, why do you have a steering wheel coming out of your pants?"

The pirate looks down and says, "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts."

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A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he Thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he Called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the Husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

 

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her,and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

 

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in theden. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away."Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

 

So he Walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

"Frank, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

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What did the farmer say to the cow on his roof.

 

Get off my roof

 

What did the famer say to the cow wearing sunglasses on his roof.

 

Nothing, he did not recognise it.

 

 

Sad, but it's all I can come up with at this hour....sorry.

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