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So, my math teacher. He assigns us homework on adding and subtracting fractions on Friday…and we have a hurricane coming! So, I did the homework in class. The math teacher tells us, “I will take no excuses. You need to have this done.” Well, I walked home that day and kept the homework in my binder, in my backpack. Wilma hits. We’re huddling in the interior closet. We hear a tree fall on the house. My mother goes out. She says it hit my room. I say, “I gotta get my math homework!” I run in there while the storm ravages. I start unzipping my backpack. I don’t care about the other contents of my backpack or binder. Just my math homework. As I reach in to get my binder, a cinderblock falls through the roof. It cuts off my arm. My pitching arm. I send my brother in to get it. He is no longer with us. My father goes in to rescue my math homework. He comes back with my backpack. I yell at him, “What are you doing? I said just my math homework!” I grab the backpack and throw it into the cracked window. It shatters completely. It gets really loud all of a sudden. The wind rages up, blowing debris inside the house. A 2x4 hits my father in the head. He falls down, unconscious. My mother tries to rescue him and gets blown through the sliding glass door. No one came to remove the dead bodies. The house is starting to smell really bad. I had to hitchhike to school today. I was mugged four times on the way, three times by old people. I tell this story to my math teacher. Then I say, “May I be excused from homework?” “Yeah, let me contemplate that…NO.”

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okay, I'll play!

 

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender say's"Why such a long face?

 

rim shot.

 

Why'd the monkey falll from the tree?

because it was dead.

 

What's grosser than gross?

biting into a hotdog and finding viens.

 

What's brown and sings?

a pinecone with a transistor radio stuck in it.

 

What's grosser than gross?

Kissing your grandmother and having her slip you the tongue.

 

What's grosser than gross?

Eating cottage chesse and finding pubic hairs in it.

 

A cop pulls me over for running a yellow.

He asks: do you know why i pulled you over?

i said: yeah, i ran a yellow.

he says: oh, a real smartass, huh.

I said: well, mom always said it's better to be a smart one that a dumb one.

(cop laughs and didn't give me a ticket.)

 

-Flying(just throw money!)Scooter

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What does a Texas Tornado and a Tennessee Divorce have in common?

 

Both result in the loss of a trailer.

 

What has 500 legs and only 4 teeth?

 

The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.

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LOL @ your last one.

 

A boy from Boston was beat by his parents. The authorities were going to send him to another family member, but the boy said that they all beat him. He was eventually sent to be taken care of by the New York Yankees, because the boy said they couldn't beat anyone.

 

A man goes to a doctor. He says, "Doctor, I have this problem with nosebleeds." The doctor says, "Try cutting your fingernails shorter, son."

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A cop pulls me over for running a yellow.

He asks: do you know why i pulled you over?

i said: yeah, i ran a yellow.

he says: oh, a real smartass, huh.

I said: well, mom always said it's better to be a smart one that a dumb one.

(cop laughs and didn't give me a ticket.)

 

YES! That is one of my personal quotes.... "I'd rather be a smartass instead of a dumbass..."

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A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt tucked under his left arm. He says, "Bartender, I'd like a root beer for me and one for the road."

 

Baroom ching.

 

Two men walk into a bar. One of them ducks.

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Tech Support:

 

Host: Hello?

Caller: It says "Click Here To Finish". What do I do now?

 

Host: Hello?

Caller: Is this Mike?

Host: Huh? This is Carmen Electra Fan Club tech support!

Caller: What? This isn't Mike's house?

Host: Please hang up, I'm trying to enjoy myself right now. And how did you confuse a 561 area code with 1-800-HOT-GIRL?

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Three guys are at a brothel, one's going in, one's on his way out, and one's inside. What are their nationalities?

 

 

The guy going in is Russian, the guy leaving is Finnish, and the guy inside....Himalayan.

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With NASA planning future Moon landings to build a base for the Mars missions, a NASA spokesman was asked several questions:

Reporter: Will the moonbase have many workers?

PR rep: Yes! In Fact, we see many private companies jumping on board as the opertunities will be tremendous.

Another Reporter: you mean, people will scramble to the moon like, say, the California Gold Rush?

PR rep: Yes! there will be a lot of money to be made there.

Other Reporter: Will there be women there? Like the gold Rush?

the Nasa rep looked perplexed for a moment, then smiled and answered: Yes. and they will be called, uh, Prostinauts!

 

thank you!

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  • 3 weeks later...

I did a search for it and I didnt see one so lets start a joke thread...here goes...

 

BARBECUE GRILL

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day. The man looked over at his wife and said, "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill." With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yup, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill." The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night, in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances toward his wife, who completely brushed him off. "What's wrong?" he asked. She answered, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-a-- grill for one little weenie?"

 

 

NOT MUCH TIME

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. "Oh, no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks. "Ten," says the doctor. "Ten? Ten, what? Months? Weeks?" he asks desperately. The doctor says, "Nine."

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Here's something about the annoying paper work Veterans go through when dealing with the VA.

 

 

 

 

Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property offered as collateral. The title for the property in question was complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the VA.

 

He soon received a reply from the VA.:

 

"We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year."

 

Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.:

 

"Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803:

 

a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803.This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.

 

b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).

 

c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.

 

d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles -- almost as careful as the V.A.-- took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.

 

e) The Pope is a servant of God.

 

f) God created the world.

 

g) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original title holder of the property in question.

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As always, my favorite one liner...

 

An Irish guy walks past a bar.

 

Or, my backup...

 

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

And then, one my CS teacher told the class:

 

If Helen Keller falls in the woods, does she make a sound?

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^That is so wrong, and HILARIOUS!!!!

 

Here is my favorite!

 

A blonde woman was driving down the road one day when she passed a field, when she looked out over the field she saw another blonde in a rowboat out in the middle of the field rowing as hard as she could. Frustrated the blonde driving pulled off to the side of the road, got out of her car and screamed at the other blonde, "You know its people like you that make us other blondes look bad!" The blonde rowing looks at the woman, and screams back "Well, if it makes you so mad, why don't you come out here and get me?" So the first blonde replies "I would, if I knew how to swim!!"

 

 

Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse?

 

 

 

Neither did she!

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Aw... It's so nice to see Helen Keller jokes have stood the test of time...

 

Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?

Her dog was blind too.

 

How does Helen Keller drive?

One foot on the gas, right hand on the steering wheel, left hand on the road.

 

Why were Helen Keller's house parties so unsucessful?

Every time a guest came to the front door she would answer the closet.

 

Did you hear about Helen Keller's autobiography?

It's called "Around the Block in 80 Days".

 

Why did her dog jump off a cliff and die?

You would too if your name was "DOUTHERGANDELSORFTWESLINSANEFTUYFRAHHHHH"

 

Did you ever see her in her first staring role?

Of course not, she couldn't find the studio back lot.

 

~Jay "I will go prepare my hand-basket now..."

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