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Very simple, just post a Monty Python quote and only post one quote at a time.

 

Reg: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man —

Stan: Or woman.

Reg: Why don't you shut up about women, Stan? You're putting us off.

Stan: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.

Francis: Why are you always on about women, Stan?

Stan: I want to be one.

Reg, Francis: What?

Stan: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me "Loretta". It's my right as a man.

Judith: Well... why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?

Stan: I want to have babies.

Reg: You want to have babies?!

Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.

Reg: But... you can't have babies.

Stan: Don't you oppress me!

Reg: I'm not oppressing you, Stan, you haven't got a womb! Where's the fetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?

[Loretta starts to cry]

Judith: Here! I-I've got an idea. Suppose that you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb — which is nobodies fault, not even the Romans' — but that he can have the right to have babies.

Francis: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister, sorry.

Reg: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?

Francis: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.

Reg: It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.

Edited by Stitch
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FRENCH GUARD:

Allo! Who is eet?

ARTHUR:

It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?

FRENCH GUARD:

This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

ARTHUR:

Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

FRENCH GUARD:

Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.

ARTHUR:

What?

GALAHAD:

He says they've already got one!

ARTHUR:

Are you sure he's got one?

FRENCH GUARD:

Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)

FRENCH GUARDS:

[chuckling]

ARTHUR:

Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?

FRENCH GUARD:

Of course not! You are English types-a!

ARTHUR:

Well, what are you, then?

FRENCH GUARD:

I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!

GALAHAD:

What are you doing in England?

FRENCH GUARD:

Mind your own business!

ARTHUR:

If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!

FRENCH GUARD:

You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!

GALAHAD:

What a strange person.

ARTHUR:

Now look here, my good man--

FRENCH GUARD:

I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

GALAHAD:

Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

FRENCH GUARD:

No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

[sniff]

ARTHUR:

Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.

FRENCH GUARD:

(Fetchez la vache.)

OTHER FRENCH GUARD:

Quoi?

FRENCH GUARD:

(Fetchez la vache!)

[mooo]

ARTHUR:

If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--

[twong]

[mooooooo]

Jesus Christ!

KNIGHTS:

Christ!

[thud]

Ah! Ohh!

ARTHUR:

Right! Charge!

KNIGHTS:

Charge!

[mayhem]

FRENCH GUARD:

Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.

[mayhem]

FRENCH GUARD:

And this one's for your dad!

ARTHUR:

Run away!

KNIGHTS:

Run away!

FRENCH GUARD:

Thppppt!

FRENCH GUARDS:

[taunting]

LAUNCELOT:

Fiends! I'll tear them apart!

ARTHUR:

No, no. No, no.

BEDEVERE:

Sir! I have a plan, sir.

 

[later]

 

[wind]

[saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]

[clunk]

[bang]

[rewr!]

[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]

[rrrr rrrr rrrr]

[drilllll]

[sawwwww]

[clunk]

[crash]

[clang]

[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]

[creak]

FRENCH GUARDS: [whispering]

C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...

[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]

[clllank]

ARTHUR:

What happens now?

BEDEVERE:

Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

ARTHUR:

Who leaps out?

BEDEVERE:

U-- u-- uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...

ARTHUR:

Ohh.

BEDEVERE:

Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger--

[clank]

[twong]

ARTHUR:

Run away!

KNIGHTS:

Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!

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Spam spam spam spam spam - oh wait, is that a quote?

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

(Puh-lease look into getting yourself a copy of the Broadway cast album, of "Monty Python's SPAMalot." You won't regret it. And if you do....nyeh!)

Edited by Nrthwnd
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From the best Python movie ... The Life of Brian: (and this is all from memory)

 

Spare a talent for an old ex-leper, sir.

 

Did you say -- ex-leper?

 

That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, thank you sir.

 

What happened?

 

I was cured, sir.

 

Cured?

 

Yes sir, a bloody miracle, sir. Bless you.

 

Who cured you?

 

Jesus did. I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. Look. I'm not saying that being a leper was a bowl of cherries. But it was a living. I mean, you try waving muscular suntanned limbs in people's faces demanding compassion. It's a bloody disaster.

 

You could go and get yourself a decent job, couldn't you?

 

Look, sir, my family has been in begging six generations. I'm not about to become a goat-herd, just because some long-haired conjuror starts mucking about.

 

Gregg "Long-Haried conjuror ... LMFAO!!!" C.

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Chaplain: Let us praise God. O Lord...

Congregation: O Lord...

Chaplain: ...Ooh, You are so big...

Congregation: ...ooh, You are so big...

Chaplain: ...So absolutely huge.

Congregation: ...So absolutely huge.

Chaplain: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.

Congregation: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.

Chaplain: Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and...

Congregation: And barefaced flattery.

Chaplain: But You are so strong and, well, just so super.

Congregation: Fantastic.

Humphrey: Amen.

Congregation: Amen.

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Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!

Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.

Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!

Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!

Brian: Now, f*ck off!

[silence]

Arthur: How shall we f*ck off, O Lord?

 

 

Also, the whole "we are no longer the knights who say ni, we are now the knights who say eki eki" etc etc scene.

 

And the dead parrot sketch.

 

And everything else!! Sorry!! Can't limit it to one! I'll stop now! :? I love Monty Python!

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"And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu.."

 

"Skip a bit, Brother..."

 

"And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

 

 

"What, the curtains???"

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Grim Reaper: Silence! I… have… come… for… you.

Angela: You mean… to…?

Grim Reaper: Take you… away. That is my purpose. I… am… Death.

Geoffrey: Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?

Howard Katzenberg: I don't see it that way, Geoff. Let me tell you what we're dealing with here. A potentially positive learning experience that can—

Grim Reaper: SHUT UP! Shut up, you American! You always talk, you Americans. You talk, and you talk, and say "let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say this". Well, you're dead now, so shut up!

Howard Katzenberg: Dead?

Grim Reaper: Dead!

Angela: All of us?

Grim Reaper: All… of… you.

Geoffrey: Now, look here! You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses, and then announce, quite casually, that we're all dead. Well, I would remind you that you are a guest in this house, and—

[With a bony finger, the Grim Reaper pokes Geoffrey in the eye.]

Geoffrey: Ah! Oh.

Grim Reaper: Be quiet! Englishmen, you're all so f**king pompous, and none of you have got any balls.

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Some more of my favorites.

 

"We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Neeee-wommmm!"

 

"Hello, good evening, and welcome to BLACKMAIL!"

 

"I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!"

 

"Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake."

 

"Constable Clitoris and I are from the hygiene squad."

 

"Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, nudge nudge, say no more?

Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, eh?

Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?"

 

"Penguins don't come from NEXT DOOR! They come from the Antarctic!"

 

"MY BRAIN HURTS."

 

"A spokesman for the parrots said he was very glad no parrots were involved."

 

"And now for something completely different."

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And now for 10 secconds of sex...

tick

tick

tick

tick

tick

tick

tick

tick

tick

tick

alright you can stop now...

 

 

and the classic-"YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMPSTER, AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES"

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King of Swamp Castle: When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.

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VILLAGER #1:

We have found a witch. May we burn her?

CROWD:

Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!

BEDEVERE:

How do you know she is a witch?

VILLAGER #2:

She looks like one.

CROWD:

Right! Yeah! Yeah!

BEDEVERE:

Bring her forward.

WITCH:

I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.

BEDEVERE:

Uh, but you are dressed as one.

WITCH:

They dressed me up like this.

CROWD:

Augh, we didn't! We didn't...

WITCH:

And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.

BEDEVERE:

Well?

VILLAGER #1:

Well, we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE:

The nose?

VILLAGER #1:

And the hat, but she is a witch!

VILLAGER #2:

Yeah!

CROWD:

We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!

BEDEVERE:

Did you dress her up like this?

VILLAGER #1:

No!

VILLAGER #2 and 3:

No. No.

VILLAGER #2:

No.

VILLAGER #1:

No.

VILLAGERS #2 and #3:

No.

VILLAGER #1:

Yes.

VILLAGER #2:

Yes.

VILLAGER #1:

Yes. Yeah, a bit.

VILLAGER #3:

A bit.

VILLAGERS #1 and #2:

A bit.

VILLAGER #3:

A bit.

VILLAGER #1:

She has got a wart.

RANDOM:

[cough]

BEDEVERE:

What makes you think she is a witch?

VILLAGER #3:

Well, she turned me into a newt.

BEDEVERE:

A newt?

VILLAGER #3:

I got better.

VILLAGER #2:

Burn her anyway!

VILLAGER #1:

Burn!

CROWD:

Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...

BEDEVERE:

Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

VILLAGER #1:

Are there?

VILLAGER #2:

Ah?

VILLAGER #1:

What are they?

CROWD:

Tell us! Tell us!...

BEDEVERE:

Tell me. What do you do with witches?

VILLAGER #2:

Burn!

VILLAGER #1:

Burn!

CROWD:

Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...

BEDEVERE:

And what do you burn apart from witches?

VILLAGER #1:

More witches!

VILLAGER #3:

Shh!

VILLAGER #2:

Wood!

BEDEVERE:

So, why do witches burn?

[pause]

VILLAGER #3:

B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?

BEDEVERE:

Good! Heh heh.

CROWD:

Oh, yeah. Oh.

BEDEVERE:

So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

VILLAGER #1:

Build a bridge out of her.

BEDEVERE:

Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

VILLAGER #1:

Oh, yeah.

RANDOM:

Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...

BEDEVERE:

Does wood sink in water?

VILLAGER #1:

No. No.

VILLAGER #2:

No, it floats! It floats!

VILLAGER #1:

Throw her into the pond!

CROWD:

The pond! Throw her into the pond!

BEDEVERE:

What also floats in water?

VILLAGER #1:

Bread!

VILLAGER #2:

Apples!

VILLAGER #3:

Uh, very small rocks!

VILLAGER #1:

Cider!

VILLAGER #2:

Uh, gra-- gravy!

VILLAGER #1:

Cherries!

VILLAGER #2:

Mud!

VILLAGER #3:

Uh, churches! Churches!

VILLAGER #2:

Lead! Lead!

ARTHUR:

A duck!

CROWD:

Oooh.

BEDEVERE:

Exactly. So, logically...

VILLAGER #1:

If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.

BEDEVERE:

And therefore?

VILLAGER #2:

A witch!

VILLAGER #1:

A witch!

CROWD:

A witch! A witch!...

VILLAGER #4:

Here is a duck. Use this duck.

[quack quack quack]

BEDEVERE:

Very good. We shall use my largest scales.

CROWD:

Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...

BEDEVERE:

Right. Remove the supports!

[whop]

[clunk]

[creak]

CROWD:

A witch! A witch! A witch!

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