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In the last twelve months, I was diagnosed bipolar and treated with meds. At 50 years old, made a diff to me, though my closest family and friends knew this a while ago.


What my family and friends didn't know was a diagnosis that came a time later after meds equaled me out. Over a period of two to three sessions a week that flew over three months, I was further tested for something else. I was given questions from Dr. Robert Hare's PCL-R (Psychopathy Check=List, Revised, that gave me a label. This label, to me, made sense.


That I am a psychopath. I lacked emotion, empathy, remorse and regret since about age 11. Around that age, i methodically killed my emotions:


I was about age 11 when i began killing any and all emotion from my life. In one month, I saw my grandfather die at age 79, my father have his 12th heart attack.


Before you so quickly disregard me: Back in the 1970's, family or not, if you were under the age of 16, you had to sneak into hospitals to see family members. I quickly learned how to beat hospital security cameras and such. I was of a small frame, couldn't pass for an adult even if I carried a munchkin on my back, but the nurses and the attending docs loved my ability to beat security, and covered me when i visited dad after school. My father somehow knew I'd be there to see him. He would have at the ready: Jelly packs for me to take home, juice for me to drink and food for me eat by his side.


Over time, as mom and dad passed, when friends younger than me passed, i went about slaying my emotions. Tired of being hurt, watching my father die, grand parents die, watching my mother and sisters suffer.


yes, emotions can be killed.


Know this though: You will rearrange the nuerons in your brain, and if you choose to do this there is no going back.


Don't become like me. Don't kill your emotions no matter how bad things cut and hurt you. Don't waste empathy when those around you so dearly need it...


FlyingScooter: Mark William Darus

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