Rate My Reseach Paper (about Amusement Parks)

[Wathell]

For my research papar this year i decided for my topic to be "Amusement Parks" Before i hand it in i just wanted my friends at TPR to rate my paper,

 

Amusement Parks

Throughout the world there are more than 1,100 amusement parks and over 2,100 roller coasters within those parks. Every year, hundreds of millions of people attend these places of amusement. Since no two amusement parks are exactly the same, each experience is different. Depending of the weather, amount of people at the park, and the type of crowd attending, can one determine if his or her experience will be a good or bad one. Some people might have some questions about amusement parks, such as what is the history?, What types of rides are there?, Why people like or don’t like Amusement Parks?, and What is the future of parks?. Every year, the amusement park industry spends billions of dollars for the enjoyment of its guest and it doesn’t go unnoticed.

The history of the Amusement Parks began back in 1133, where in England very simple fairs were set up in the towns. These fairs would contain entertainment such as freak shows, games, and food stalls. Then in 1810, the first October fest was held in Germany. October fest was not just about alcohol but its main purpose was to entertain the people who came by the use of some amusement park features. When the world went into the Industrial Revolution county and state fairs started to occur, from there came the world’s fair. The World’s Fair was the major reason why we have amusement parks today. The first ferris wheel was created for the World’s Fair, Walt Disney, himself, showed off the first audio animatronics characters at he World‘s Fair, which would later be used today in most attractions, to provide a sense of realism and enhance the guest’s experience.

Right after the Worlds Fair, trolley parks were opened by the leading car companies so that people could buy their products and drive to these places on the weekends. These trolley parks are directly responsible for the creation of the modern day amusement park. A trolley park, mostly found in the more populated cities, consisted of picnic groves, pavilions, and often held events such as dances, concerts, and fireworks shows. Eventually, swimming pools, carousels, ferris wheels, roller coasters, sports fields, boat rides, restaurants, and other resort facilities were added to become a modern day Amusement park. In 1829, the world famous Coney Island opened in Brooklyn, New York. Later on, During the Golden Age people used their skills of welding to create new rides that are more efficient and safer. After World War II the Amusement Park industry took off. It sure was a good thing because the depression drastically decreased the popularity of the Amusement Park. In the 1940’s to the 1950’s American families moved to the suburbs where life was less hectic and more calm. Since almost every American family had an automobile the Amusement park industry started to open parks up near some of the more populated suburbs. By 1950 parks were opened up all over the country including the world first Theme Park, Disneyland. Disneyland was so advanced that it had the worlds first steel roller coaster called the Matterhorn bobsleds which was enclosed inside an artificial mountain. In 1961 Six Flags opened up its first Theme Park in Texas, called Six Flags Over Texas. Then in 1971 Walt Disney’s colleges opened Walt Disney World Resort in Florida in memoriam to Walt’s Death. Years later in 2001 Disneyland was accompanied by a new park called Disney’s California Adventure. As of 2008 the Amusement Park Industry is doing better then ever. Even though Disney has created the most popular theme parks in the world, every park still has something different to offer. Whether its different rides to different memories as a kid.

Within an Amusement Park there are many things for you to do. Whether you go on rides, watch shows or parades, eat food, or just relaxing, you are sure to have a good time while you’re visiting. The most popular and expensive attraction a park is the roller coaster. The roller coaster originated as ice slides in Russia, and today they are record breaking machines that provide an adrenaline rush that is unavailable in everyday life. Today there are many different types of roller coasters. There are steel coasters that can be regular sit-down coaster, stand-up coaster, flying coaster, floorless coaster, inverted coaster, bobsled coaster, etc. There also are wood coasters that could be prefabricated, meaning it’s made entirely by machine and laser cut rather than human made, and finally there are the hybrid coasters which are both wood and steel. Roller coaster designers often base there rides on few elements that provide riders with different feelings. The most popular element would have to be a camel back. A camel back is when a coaster train goes over a parabola shaped crest that provides the rider with a sense of weightlessness, which is also know as “Air Time”. Other common elements are the loop, cobra roll, corkscrew, in-line twist, beyond vertical drops, immelmann, helix, pretzel loop, zero-g-roll, etc. Over time engineers have developed different ways for the coaster to gain energy. The basic way is the chain lift, but now there are elevator lifts, magnetic lifts, cable lifts, ferris wheel lifts, and the launch. The launch is probably the most exciting way to gain energy due to the fact you are going immensely fast speeds at a very short amount of time. Other than Roller coasters there are plenty for you to do. Flat rides are the most common rides that are found in multiple parks, such as the pirate ship, ferris wheel, carousel, free fall, tilt-a-whirl, etc. When you’re walking around a park for hours your body gets tired and sometimes need to be refreshed. That why some parks also have water rides, such as the log flume, rapids, etc. There are also entertaining shows where you can go inside a nice air conditioned building and watch anywhere from a comical theatric show to a 4D show that basically makes you feel as if you were in the movie. Don’t forget about the tranquil transportation rides such as a train, sky ride, or monorails, that are made to help its guests save energy by getting them around the park.

When you visit an Amusement Park you will be faced with many choices. The choice of where to eat, where to go, and what to ride. If you are a thrill seeker, then you are the type of person who loves the adrenaline rush of going upside down, the excitement of “air time”, and the refreshing cool down the wind provides as you go heart racing speeds. If you have amusement park phobias then maybe you will go on the gentle ride. You maybe afraid of rides because of safety issues, bad experiences, afraid of going upside-down, afraid of heights or going fast, claustrophobic, or maybe you get headaches when you go on a ride. No matter what you may decide to do you are guaranteed to have a good time.

In the future you should expect to see amusement parks that would make a mockery of today’s parks. Given that the price of materials are going up might have an affect on new amusement parks opening up. Even though there already are plans for a Hard Rock Park to open in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina this year, a new Six Flags in Dubai, two new Universal Studio parks in Dubai and Singapore, and a brand new Seaworld, Busch Gardens, and Discovery Cove experience to be built on a man made island in the shape of a dolphin also in Dubai. As for future roller coasters, they to may be affected to by the raise of prices, but they will have the sky as the limit and new elements will be created to enhance the guests experience like no other. The real question is, will there be anything created that is different then an amusement park? A rumor has it that Disney has plans for a new park for Walt Disney World in Florida. This fifth park, reportedly named Disney’s Night Kingdom, may not be an average theme park, but an adventure park. From the sound of things the big attraction and icon of the park might be a large mountain where guests will rock climb to the top, take zip lines down again, and explore a serious network of caves. The idea of this park is to be an interactive game based adventure experience, with both mental and physical challenges. The game will follow upon the guests ability and with their own communicator unit that will guide them from place to place and help them when they get stuck. Your communicator will also be linked to your interactions with game stations, audio animatronics, and with live animals as well. As you can tell the future looks fun for the Amusement Park industry.

In a world without Amusement Parks, people would not fundamentally understand the extreme enjoyment you may get. Whether you are going over 125mph on a roller coaster or making life long memories of seeing your children’s faces when the finally meet their favorite character. No matter how you put it, life wouldn’t be as exciting without the Amusement Park.

 

 

Thanks Again For your time,

-Wathell

 

ADMIN EDIT: I changed the title of your thread so other members know the research paper is about amusement parks. Larry

[hemmy]

Found some typos, and thought you used the word amusement a little too much (even though that is the topic, try using some synonyms)

 

B.

 

Try reading it out loud to yourself you should find the mistakes pretty easy.

[ParkTrips]

'Oktoberfest' is probably how you should spell it, and I'm about 99% sure it was originally a celebration of King Ludwig's wedding.

 

colleges == colleagues?

[Swimace]

There aren't plans for a Hard Rock park to open, Hard Rock park is open.

 

Aside from that you do need to clean up your grammar before you turn that in for a grade. The subject is really broad, and you don't really come to any conclusions by the end of the paper besides a sort of "hooray for amusement parks" sort of attitude.

 

Also, this needs to include citations, otherwise it's not actually a research paper.

[larrygator]

C in my opinion with all the typos, grammar problems.

 

As hemmy said you really need to proofread it and then read it out loud to someone.

 

Making those corrections will be the difference between grades.

 

EDIT: I didn't realize the writer was 17 when I gave the original grade, I thought he was younger.

[shesaidboom]

This reads like something I would've written in the fourth grade.

 

The subject matter is way too broad, the writing isn't very good, the grammar is awful, your sentences are redundant (ie "Since no two amusement parks are exactly the same, each experience is different" and "American families moved to the suburbs where life was less hectic and more calm"), you capitalize words randomly, you have no direction or conclusion, and some of your sentences aren't even complete thoughts. You make a lot of claims that aren't backed up by facts, like insinuating that every guest is going to have an amazing experience every visit. You also list a lot of rides but don't explain what most of them actually are. You may know what an inverted coaster is, but someone who doesn't know anything about roller coasters won't.

 

Basically, you need to pick one topic. You say a lot, but it doesn't actually go anywhere. Don't try to tell us about the history of amusement parks, every kind of roller coaster, all the different flat rides, and anything else that you can think of in relation to parks. Pick one of those things and write a good, detailed essay about it.

 

Finally, get someone to edit your paper. If you were to hand this paper in to me and I was your teacher, I'd fail you on the spot based on the awful grammar and lack of direction.

[Carnage]

I tried to read it, but just couldn't.

 

The paper is written with bad flow. Seems like thoughts are just thrown out at random. Much of it makes no sense, or is confusing to read.

 

Some grammar mistakes require multiple re-reads before getting what you're trying to say.

[Swimace]

Aside from what I said earlier, I think it would help us grade it if you gave us what the actual assignment was. I gave you a C, but I could go lower depending on what your teacher was looking for. Is this just a casual essay, or a serious assignment? As I said earlier, without any citations you're not actually doing a research paper, so if this a serious thing then I would give you an F (because if you didn't do any research then you aren't doing a research paper, but if you did do research and didn't cite it then you're plagiarizing). If this is more of a casual essay, then I'd give you a C, because of your grammar and lack of direction with the assignment.

 

Between a C and an F sort of depends on what your teacher is looking for.

[cfc]

Your paper is all over the map. Narrow your topic. Perhaps you should concentrate on, for example, the development of roller coasters, rather than the entire history of amusement parks.

 

I strongly recommend that you make an outline before writing your paper. Come up with a topic sentence--that is, the actual point you want to make--first. Then let the rest of the paper flow from that.

[ajinaz]

I am a fifth grade teacher and this paper would earn a B if it was handed in by one of my students. However, for a high school paper you would earn a D at best. If this is really a research paper, it would earn an F for grammatical errors and lack of in-text citations and references.

You should always read your papers aloud and have someone you really trust edit the paper.

[DBru]

In 1961 Six Flags opened up its first Theme Park in Texas, called Six Flags Over Texas.

 

This sentence completely ruined your paper. Try not too be random, and select a "focus".

[EastCoastn07]

I know it might sound like some of these guys are being rough, but they're actually really right about the quality of your paper. Many of things I noticed were already pointed out, such as your poor grammar and spelling and your tendency to go off topic and jump from topic to topic. I noticed you were 17 which means you're in high school and I'd just have to say this is a pretty poor written research paper, but maybe I only think that because I'm so used to having my paper's strictly graded when I took AP English in 11th and 12th grade.

 

If you want your paper to took seriously, one thing I would do is stay on topic. If your paper is on the history of amusement parks and how they have progressed over the years, STAY ON TOPIC. Don't stray off topic and start going into detail about the history of roller coasters because thats not really related to your topic. Yes, mentioning that roller coasters have contributed to the rise of amusement parks is acceptable, but going into detail about different elements and such just loses the audiences attention. Secondly, if this is a research paper, you NEED to do just that...RESEARCH. Don't only research either, you also need to give your source proper credit considering not all your information is coming from your head. Even if you re-word someone elses work, you still need to properly cite that information. A basic rule of thumb my high school teachers taught me is that unless the information is coming out of your head word for word, you need to cite it. So each time you bring up a different time in amusement park history, you need to cite it or you're basically plagiarizing someone elses research, which can in turn result in very serious repercussions. I remember several people who failed their senior project research papers because they failed to cite their research and weren't allowed to walk at graduation. Plagiarizing is a very serious issue and considering you're almost going to be in college, you really need to fix that in your paper.

 

Other than these two main issues, I would just overall work on your sentance structure and grammatical errors. You have a lot of sentence fragments as well so your paper needs A LOT of work. I would take a past poster's advice and write an outline for your paper. Start with a topic sentance, expand that into body sentances, and then use the information you find to build on your intro, body, and conclusion paragraphs. If you can, I would definitely use a 5 paragraph outline because its a lot more accepted than just throwing your information into random paragraphs and calling it a paper. Other than that, good luck...I just hope this paper isn't due anytime soon.

[Revolucion]

As previous responders have noted, without knowing what the assignment was it's hard to grade the paper.

 

Grammar and puncuation = D

Your most common errors are spelling and punctuation. Use of the word "you" should be avoided in academic writing.

 

Accuracy of Content = C-

Even at Disneyland most rides lack audio-animatronic figures.

The pinnacle of World's Fairs was arguably the 1939 New York World's Fair--well after the heyday of trolley parks--but I suppose a case could be made for the Columbian or Paris expositions.

Don't tell Knott's or Holiday World that Disneyland was the first theme park.

Walt Disney World was named after Walt in his honor, but I wouldn't describe it as "in memorium".

 

A topic that is less rambling could be "The Birth of the Modern Theme Park". You could probably use that topic to revise what you already have, perhaps with separate paragraphs on world expositions, trolley parks, amusement parks, and early theme theme parks (KBF, HW, etc.)

[pagemaster_b]

I had a hard time deciding between a "D" and a "F".

 

First of all, it was a complete mess. There was no direction or focus. What is you're paper about? The history of amusment parks? What kind of rides at parks? There is just too much randomness to follow what you are writing about.

 

Secondly, you absolutely failed at the "research" part. Statements about Oktoberfest were clearly guesses. You incorrectly state that Disneyland opened prior to 1950. One horrible sentence claims that Walt Disney created the first ferris wheel. (See what bad typos can cause.) Never, never, never assume the reader of your research paper does not know the subject your writing about. Research papers are not bull sh!t papers. Show that you did your homework by including quotes and references. Actually look for lesser know bits of history and information.

 

Thirdly, Grammar. I don't know what is worse: punctuation or wording. Many problems can be cleaned up by proofreading and correcting the typos with punctuation, but the strangely worded sentences are confusing at best. Have someone read it out loud, and you'll hear just how poorly written some of your sentences are.

 

After all said and done, I decided on a "D". As much as I want to outright fail it for the lack of research, a bit of TLC on proofreading and editing will certainly get it better marks.

 

 

 

In high school, I did a research paper on the history of Disneyland. Even though I was very knowledgeable about the subject, I was surprised at some of the things I discovered during the research (like the minor Vietnam war riot). Despite all the praise I got from my teacher, I still only got an "A-" because of grammar errors--yeah I suck at that too.

[TopThrill182]

I'm glad to see others are writing papers on amusement parks (they certainly choose to be interesting papers). I think yours was interesting too, it just needs some fixing.

 

First off, as others have said, you need to sort of re-define your paper. You have probably 4 or more topics in one paper. You talk about the history of roller coasters, the history of amusement parks, what you do in amusement parks, etc. All of these things are separate topics, and you want to make sure your research paper is only on one of them.

 

As others have said, we don't really know what the assignment is, but you need to pick a topic that fits the assignment. For example, if the assignment is to write a 3 page research paper on the subject of your choice, picking the overall history of amusement parks probably wouldn't be wise as there is no way you can do that in 3 pages. However if you had to write a 20 page term paper, that topic might be more in reach. Assuming that this is a moderate length paper, however, I think you need a much narrower topic than your current one(s).

 

Let's say you pick the history of roller coasters. You now need to have a thesis, something which you are going to prove with research. "You'll always have a good time at amusement parks," isn't really something you can prove, and thus isn't a great thesis. Some statement like that can be a nice touch at the end of your paper, but you need a more concrete thesis in there somewhere. So if you choose the history of roller coasters as your subject, you need to find some sort of angle on it, which you can derive a thesis from.

 

Some examples that could work:

 

Roller coaster designers have continuously been known for pushing the limits, yet even as they design taller, faster, and more "original" scream machines, they are always making something thats safe.

 

Roller coasters, having been around for decades, are still turned to by park operators as a sure fire way of getting guests into the park.

 

In the first thesis, you could start off, like you did, with where the first coasters popped up and talk about how unsafe they were, etc. Then move on through the years and talk about wooden coasters and while they were safer, people were still getting bruises. You could then end with examples like Millennium Force and Kingda Ka, faster, more thrilling, and taller than any rides before, yet much safer. That way you can still talk about the history of roller coasters, but you are doing so in a much more focussed manner; on roller coaster safety. You could then end with a conclusion talking about you don't have to sacrifice safety to get more thrilling rides or something of that nature.

 

In the second one, you could use attendance figures from parks and show how they rose in years with new coasters, etc. There are also many interviews with park officials out there talking about how important coasters are for attendance.

 

As already mentioned, it sounds as if you wrote your paper with your general enthusiast knowledge. I think it would be more convincing should you go back and do some heavier research, maybe using quotes or specific statistics in your paper.

 

As others have said, don't forget footnotes, and your grammar and sentence structure could use some looking over. Many teachers don't have a problem with editing from friends or family, so perhaps you could give someone your paper and let them tell you what sentences seem awkward / don't flow well, etc.

 

You have a lot of interesting points in your paper, and if you take some of those and use them in a narrower topic, I think you could get a good grade!

[coolhandluke]

Never, never, never assume the reader of your research paper does not know the subject your writing about.

 

One too many negatives...you want to assume the reader knows nothing on the subject. Or never assume the reader knows anything on the subject. I'm pretty sure you knew that, but just in case someone else didn't.

 

And actually, that just goes to show how one little mistake in grammar can completely screw up an idea. BE CAREFUL when wording your paper. Watch out for simple things like double negatives, misplaced prepositional phrases, adjectives separated from their subject, splitting infinitives ("to not go" should be "not to go", keeping "to [verb]" adjacent), etc.

 

And going back to the knowledge of the reader thing, you should really look out for that. In your part on the different elements, you explicitly describe the characteristics, purpose, and sensation of a "camelback", but then rattle off "cobra roll", "Immelman", "zero-g roll", with no additional info.

 

Just work on trying to focus more specifically on some aspect of amusement parks, and expand that area with more insight, CITED evidence, and well-constructed sentences, and you shouldn't have a problem with pulling out a nice grade. Good luck!

[robbalvey]

^ HEY! We're supposed to be grading this kids paper, not correcting each other's posts. Try to be a little nicer, ok?

 

Anyway....

 

I gave you an F because:

 

1. The lack of any formatting made my eyes bleed.

2. You spelled "research paper" in the topic title as "Reseach Paper"

3. You spelled "research paper" in the first sentance of your post as "research papar"

4. There were just so many typos like "Walt Disney, himself, showed off the first audio animatronics characters at he World‘s Fair"

5. I really couldn't read the whole thing. I just couldn't.

 

Sorry, dude.

 

--Robb

[the sound]

I would just like to ask a question: why did you do a research paper on Amusement Parks? Surely there must be something less Juvenile to do a paper on, seeing as you are 17. Not saying coasters aren't fun or anything, or that you shouldn't like them. I just think something more appropriate could have been done.

[Eunuch Provocateur]

If there's one thing I learned from your essay, don't print it yellow on gray! Goddam are those colors not good for long essays...

[307]

I agree with everyone else.

 

If nothing else, this paper made me laugh quite a few times at just how poorly it was written, so at least you got that out of me.

[BeemerBoy]

 

1. The lack of any formatting made my eyes bleed.

5. I really couldn't read the whole thing. I just couldn't.

 

Sorry, dude.

 

--Robb

 

Ditto.

[gisco]

Ouch, that hurt to read.

 

Pretty much ditto with what everyone else has said. No indication there was any research done at all.

 

The one thing that irritates me is when the word amount is used instead of number. What is a large amount of people? Is that a bunch of Acers in line at a buffet? If you can count them use number instead of amount. A large number of people attended the park.

[Menghini]

Much is already said. I won't repeat it. Just one thing:

 

one big landmark in the history of amusement parks is missing in your paper: Bakken (Denmark) opened in the year 1583 as the world's oldest (=first) amusement park. (Source: www.rcdb.com).

 

Good luck!

[dr.gumbo]

All I have to say has already been said apart from one thing:

 

"No matter how you put it, life wouldn’t be as exciting without the Amusement Park."

 

That's quite a bold statment you've got there. A themepark isn't the only source of fun. If it was most of our lives would be VERY boring indeed.

[Hercules]

I'm sorry, but that was painful.

 

I would have given you an F, but you had the balls to post this on here, so I gave you a D for TPR purposes. I think you will be lucky to get a D in your class as well.

 

1. You were just plain random

2. You spelled a lot of things incorrectly

3. You didn't have a focused topic

4. You didn't have a good format

 

I could keep going.

 

This is a big problem with colleges these days - high school students just don't know how to write, and then they go to college and have to start in bottom level English classes to catch up.