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Tell Me A Joke!


Louise

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So this farmer was hitting the moonshine pretty hard one night. He storms into the bedroom to wake up his wife. In one arm he has the bottle of moonshine, and in the other arm he has a pig from the barn...

Farmer: "this is the cow I bang when you're not around!"

Farmer's wife: "you're drunk, that's a pig in your arm!"

Farmer: "I wasn't talkin' to you!"

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Heard this from my dad yesterday:

 

 

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.

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Three dead men go up to Heaven and an angel asks them this:

 

"Say something and you will have a lifetime supply of it."

 

One man shouts "GOLD!" and gets a lifetime supply of gold.

 

The next man shouts "CHOCOLATE!" and gets a lifetime supply of chocolate.

 

The third man trips over a cloud and says "Oh, ****!" and gets a lifetime supply of...

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  • 1 month later...
  • 2 weeks later...
Here's a more sexual joke:

 

Speaking of sexual jokes...

 

What's the difference between a gay man, and a refrigerator??

 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

 

A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out. . .

 

 

(Sorry, I had to)

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  • 7 months later...

A bear and a squirrel are walking down a forest path next to a river. Suddenly, the river genie pops up.

 

"Sigh, two of you? Eh. Let's do it in turns" says the river genie. "Mr. Bear, what is your first wish?"

 

Bear: "I want every other bear in the forest to be female."

The genie grants his wish.

 

Genie: "What about you, Mr. Squirrel?"

 

Squirrel: "I want a motorbike."

The bear is in disapproval of the squirrel. The genie grants the squirrel's wish anyway.

 

Genie: "What is your second wish, Mr. Bear?"

 

Bear: "Wait, no. I want every other bear in the COUNTRY to be female".

The genie grants his wish.

 

Genie: "Now for you, Mr. Squirrel?"

 

Squirrel: "I want a motorbike helmet."

The bear stares at the squrrel in disbelief and looks at the squirrel like he has three heads. The genie grants his wish.

 

Genie: "What is your third and final wish, Mr. Bear?"

 

Bear: "I have a better idea. I want every other bear in the W O R L D to be female."

The genie grants his wish.

 

Genie: "What is your third and final wish, Mr. Squirrel?"

 

The squirrel turns on the motorbike engine and puts on his helmet.

A split second later, the squirrel shoots off at top speed. Without looking back, he shouts "I WANT THE BEAR TO BE GAY!!!". The genie grants his wish.

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Jeb and Willy were out dove hunting early one morning, when they found a deep hole in the ground. It was so deep, they couldn't see the bottom.

As they stood there, looking at the hole, Jeb spotted an old car transmission sitting nearby. "Hey, Willy!" he said, "Let's drop this down the hole and see how long she takes to hit bottom." They hoisted the old hunk of steel into the hole.

Just then, they heard a rustling in the bushes behind them. They turned around just in time to see a goat come charging through the bushes. It ran past them and, without thinking twice, dove headfirst into the hole.

A few minutes later, a farmer came walking through the bushes. "Morning, fellers," he said, "Didja happen to see a goat come through here?"

"Shore did," said Willy, "he dun came through them bushes and darned if he didn't jump right down that hole. Strangest thing I ever saw."

"That's impossible," said the farmer, scratching his head, "I had 'im tied to an old transmission."

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(Alrighty folks, get ready to cringe at these pun-tastic Soviet history jokes)

 

Vladimir Lenin may have kept Stalin at a lower level government position, but at least he was Lenin him have a job in the government.

 

What did Leon Trotsky do when he was exiled to Mexico? He Trotted-sky out of the Soviet government.

 

Why did Stalin join WW2 later on in the war? Because he was Stalin.

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Did you know that the Titanic had a large shipment of mayonnaise for Mexico? When the shipment didn't arrive, the people of Mexico were deeply upset and declared a national day of mourning. It falls on the 5th of May every year and is known as Sinko de Mayo.

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Did you know that the Titanic had a large shipment of mayonnaise for Mexico? When the shipment didn't arrive, the people of Mexico were deeply upset and declared a national day of mourning. It falls on the 5th of May every year and is known as Sinko de Mayo.

 

 

I laughed way to hard at this.

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